To wonder wtf I'm meant to do now- DH just said he wants us to split up

[MYA2018]

We're early 30s, married for 4 years but together for 15. Virtually childhood sweethearts.
Been a tough year... We welcomed our 2nd baby 3 months ago and dh's mother passed away the same day.
Fastforward 3 months and we don't get on. We both just pick fights. I feel like he puts me at the end of his list of priorities and he feels that I don't give him space. I think we're both right but the last few weeks we can't even be in the same room without arguing. I feel like we have gone from soul mates to worst enemies.
I get so upset and he doesn't seem bothered. I can sit in tears and he won't ask why. I had a difficult birth and an awful recovery after csec but due to his mother's passing I was very alone and have felt so ever since.
He's a very closed book when it comes to his feelings and doesn't open up which I feel has meant I've been a lot less supportive that I could / should have been.
At the same time every time I suggest we do anything as a family he seems to prioritise going out with friends etc and when I tell him I miss us being a family he tells me I'm out of order for not giving him space when he needs it most. I don't know what to do for the best.
Today during an argument early afternoon he told me that he just doesn't like me anymore and he feels that we perhaps shouldn't live together now. I'm heartbroken and have tried to talk to him since but he just shrugs it off and walks away. The kids are in bed and I'm just sat here while he's out in the garage tidying up. Like nothing happened.
Wtf am i meant to do / think? I'm so lost. All of our friends are mutual and I dont really want to share all this with them. But I feel like my marriage is crumbling in front of me and I don't know what to do. 6 months ago life was pretty perfect I don't know how we got to this. Help :(

@stormtreader I have forgotten what it is called but it is the idea of circles - so you can offload to someone who is further away from the problem, and they can to someone yet further removed, but you shouldn't offload to someone closer to the problem than you. So my mil shouldn't come to me to talk about how awful she is feeling following my miscarriage for example, but she could express this to a friend. You don't overburden the ones closer to the loss. You can be close to your mil but it will still be much worse for her own children.

Ring theory thenursepath.blog/2017/05/30/care-goes-in-crap-goes-out/

Ring theory is a good theory.

You sound like a very lovely person OP who's trying to see things from your DHs perspective even though you've had a terrible time of it yourself. I reckon time will heal and you're lovely family will be ok

What a horrible thing to have happened to your dh, to lose your mother the same day as you have a child, that is awful. I would be devasted if that happened to me, I'd just be thinking, one more day and my mother would have met my baby. My memory of my child's birth would always be clouded by the sad event of my mother's death (presumably before her time if you're only early 30s). He is overwhelmed and grieving. Give him time, I know you're having a hard time too but I think his need is greater. Try and be patient and kind. Try and find support for your needs elsewhere through your family / friends. My dh behaved similarly when he lost a close family member, I was pregnant. It was tough, but things are OK now. You will be too I'm sure.

My cousin was in labour as her mum was dying in a hospital miles away. First grandchild too... baby born and her mum died a few hours later. It was tragic but she and her husband stayed strong and he supported her through it. Your OH may be grieving but that doesn’t excuse abusive and shitty behaviour. He is abandoning you and your DC when he should be holding you close. It appears he has decided his mums death means he has an open door to behave anyway he sees fit. I think the idea of you both going out for a meal is a good one. You need to have a proper discussions about the way forward

He needs to get a grip. My children were 13 months and 2 with the third on the way when my lovely mum died suddenly. It was horrific but you have to get on with the responsibility you have. I went up the Cemetary a few evenings a week, but only after DH had got in from work, everyone had had dinner and bathtime was done and the children were settled. How selfish just to fuck off out. And to say everything you say sounds irrelevant - sorry, he’s behaving like an arse. A selfish one at that. He’s an adult. Even in the most horrific circumstances you don’t get to just check out and leave the other parent with 2 young children and after major surgery. You might feel like throwing things at the wall, or just disengaging and walking out, but you’re not 2 any more. IMO he should leave given he’s no use to you anyway, you’d get more support with him having the kids a weekend every fortnight than you do now.

Hi OP hope you are ok? The cruelty of life is shocking sometimes. In other circs (no bereavement) the same behaviour from your husband would be appalling. Even with a bereavement it’s still pretty bad, but he does deserve a certain amount of slack. I bet his mum would be furious with the way he is behaving (going out all the time, telling you your problems are “irrelevant”). My dad died very suddenly (heart attack out of the blue) and it did really affect me for some time, not that it manifested itself as a need to go and watch football but still.... Your needs are important too. As a PP said why should his mental health needs trump your valid needs? Anyway to stand a chance of getting through this phase you will need to find help from others because he can’t do it right now. I would be sending out a mass email or text or something saying that times are tough you could do with some help. I know you said your friends are all common but so what? I don’t know you or where you are but if I did I would take the kids to the park for a couple of hours on Saturday afternoon to give you a break or bring you a shepherds pie for dinner or come and have a coffee while you talked. Your mum (and other family) will help you too - please please ask for help. And yes counselling can be quite a useful way of getting a wider perspective on what is going on - it did help me, and could well give you an outlet that your DH can’t give right now. Make sure you get the love and support you need - I think Constance Hall is brilliant on this need to ask for help and to give it- we are all queens, you especially. to you OP - you’re in an emotional whirlwind right now, giving you a handhold and sending you strength.

He needs to get a grip. My children were 13 months and 2 with the third on the way when my lovely mum died suddenly. It was horrific but you have to get on with the responsibility you have. I'm sorry that happened to you but just because you managed to carry on, does not mean another person would be able to.

Beesandfrogsandfleas that makes sense, and it sounds like a good practice in general.
In this specific scenario though, what it means as things stand are him saying "you are struggling from the effects of having just had a baby. I'm going to also offload my grief onto you, and add to it by saying I think I want to end our marriage. Right, good luck carrying all that, I'm off out! And don't look to me for any support with any of it, including any of the baby stuff".

The sole consideration for unburdening can't just be "well, you're further away from the problem than me, so it's you", it has to also be someone who has the capacity to pick up the emotional load you're laying on them. The OP can't be the only option he has for unburdening, just the most convenient and familiar for him.

As somebody said upthread, could it be that this has crystallised something he was already thinking about? It's a very extreme reaction - and he's being nasty.

So many posters here are being so understanding about the husband, but honestly in the OP's shoes I'm not sure I'd be able to forget. I'd forgive, but in the back of my mind I'd be waiting for him to walk out if things ever got tough again.

It's never going to as tough as losing his mum. Never. This is a one off.

It's never going to as tough as losing his mum. Never. This is a one off.

Non-mothers can also die. Siblings, friends, children. Is OP's husband going to treat her like shit whenever something terrible happens?

I can completely relate to this my DMIL passed away four weeks before I had my first DS. My DH completely checked out emotionally from our relationship for a year, I did everything for my DS and I coped. His grief didn't allow him to function and I took the decision that 'for better or worse' this was my time to step up as this was his 'worse'. It wasn't easy but it was necessary and when our DS started walking and talking it began to bring him back from the dark place that he had been. Now is your time to be strong even though it won't be easy.

I've lost a son (stillborn), a brother and both parents. Nothing has been as bad as when my mum died. Everyone I know who's lost theirs has said the same. And grief is different for everyone. It's unfair to compare someone else's with your own.

OP, you need support, nobody would deny that but you can't get water out of an empty tap. You need a support network of your own, I hope you can get that. Your mum's in a better place emotionally to support you than your husband right now.

I was relieved when my mum died.