To wonder wtf I'm meant to do now- DH just said he wants us to split up

[MYA2018]

We're early 30s, married for 4 years but together for 15. Virtually childhood sweethearts.
Been a tough year... We welcomed our 2nd baby 3 months ago and dh's mother passed away the same day.
Fastforward 3 months and we don't get on. We both just pick fights. I feel like he puts me at the end of his list of priorities and he feels that I don't give him space. I think we're both right but the last few weeks we can't even be in the same room without arguing. I feel like we have gone from soul mates to worst enemies.
I get so upset and he doesn't seem bothered. I can sit in tears and he won't ask why. I had a difficult birth and an awful recovery after csec but due to his mother's passing I was very alone and have felt so ever since.
He's a very closed book when it comes to his feelings and doesn't open up which I feel has meant I've been a lot less supportive that I could / should have been.
At the same time every time I suggest we do anything as a family he seems to prioritise going out with friends etc and when I tell him I miss us being a family he tells me I'm out of order for not giving him space when he needs it most. I don't know what to do for the best.
Today during an argument early afternoon he told me that he just doesn't like me anymore and he feels that we perhaps shouldn't live together now. I'm heartbroken and have tried to talk to him since but he just shrugs it off and walks away. The kids are in bed and I'm just sat here while he's out in the garage tidying up. Like nothing happened.
Wtf am i meant to do / think? I'm so lost. All of our friends are mutual and I dont really want to share all this with them. But I feel like my marriage is crumbling in front of me and I don't know what to do. 6 months ago life was pretty perfect I don't know how we got to this. Help :(

Thank you so much for the responses I'm really grateful.
Mil was early 50s. She had cancer but we were told 2 days prior that she had nothing to worry about. She was looking after my 2yo ds the day I was in labour and unfortunately suffered multiple organ failure and died. So although she was poorly it was very sudden and awful for all of us. Dh was very close to her as was I and my family also.
My small family then rallied around to look after my 2yo while dh was with his family and i was in hospital. I sound incredibly selfish but it was absolutely horrible for me being in hospital for 5 days totally helpless and feeling like I was the most isolated I've ever been in my life.
Dh will drop things into conversation e.g.. a song came on the other day and he said "I like this song. I was crying in my van on my way to work to this the other day" so totally out of character but when I push him to talk more he doesn't. It's always on his terms. If I approach the subject he's very matter of fact "I'm fine, it's one of those things isn't it" type thing.
He plays snooker once a week, watches football once a week, plays football once a week and then tries to go out for a drink with the guys oncè a fortnight or so.
Apart from my mum we have no babysitters available at all, therefore I find i won't get time to socialise. I feel trapped and being on mat leave is draining. I miss adult company, I miss him. I miss laughing with him and all the things we did before ds2 arrived. When it was just us and ds1 we were so happy it was like life couldn't be better. He thinks that I nag him and don't want him to go out - it's the opposite. I understand how much he needs his friends right now and I have even text them on the qt and asked them to arrange a curry night etc. But it appears everything I do annoys him.
He has bonded with ds2 thankfully. He's a wonderful father and most of the things he does are done during the evening while the kids are in bed so they're oblivious. He can't understand how I can feel that I need a break when I'm home all day or at baby groups.
My mum works full time so I don't like to put on her.
I think counselling may be the way forward but I know he won't agree. I have access to it free through work so I will call them tomorrow and see why they suggest.
I love him desperately and he has tonight told me he does love me still but he feels like we don't know each other anymore. He said that he feels most of what I talk about is irrelevant and he puts that down to his whole perspective changing. I've never lost anyone so close so I can't imagine how he's feeling But i imagine me moaning about it being my turn to bath the kids again probably does seem like the biggest piss take to him.
He's gone to bed now but there's some good advice on here. I think i will ask my mum to have the kids one night this week so we can go to dinner alone and talk properly. I don't believe he wants this to be the end. I think he's low and lost and doesn't feel I've been as good as I could have been. It's a good idea too about writing our thoughts down too.
Thanks so much every one. I really am grateful for the words of wisdom so far x

Counselling. He needs bereavement counselling. If you have access to it please apply.
My dp lost his father 4 years ago. It is a HUGE issue in his life, (He can't work due to anxiety and depression) our relationship (one minute he adores me, the next he hates me) and our family (sometimes he can't even leave the house to spend time with dcs)
I've pushed for counselling, tried every avenue but all he's offered is pills.
I often think I'd be better off walking away with dcs but it's not dp fault there is no support.

Sorry but "it's always on his terms"stands out for me as that's exactly how it should be! He needs to offload about his mother to you, you need to find someone else to offload your own grief as well as the new baby stress. He can't take it. I think in addition to "regular" grief he must be in shock as this was so unexpected, and it happening on an otherwise happy day I saw a total headfuck. Nearly everyone does find it easier as time goes on - he may start to think more about what his mother would have wanted for his family, for example, and everything starts to feel less raw.

Fuck, op, what happened is horrific
I'm so so sorry for you. And for him. And for all of you. But you're the one on here, so if you want to offload on us and get a bit of support that way (I know it's not the same as real life) please do it
Have you talked through what happened through the birth with anyone? I needed to talk and talk and talk mine out, took over a year to stop feeling haunted by it. Perhaps you could get some counselling for that? Or make a start here xx

Thanks so much. Tothappy - Never really been given chance to offload. Birth went badly and resulted in csec with baby born not breathing. He was in neo natal for just over 3 days and they didn't allow me to see him for 30 hours due to csec. My recovery was slow and painful and ds2 refused to breastfeed which i found hard to accept too. All that with planning the funeral plus the financial implications of a funeral whilst on mat leave have made for a horrific few months. We saved hard for my mat leave and over half went on the funeral however I would never pass my stress about this to dh as if it were my mother it would be the exact same. What a nightmare x

Oh I'm so sorry, OP. What Piggle said upthread resonated with me - that is our family dynamic too and my DH would be you in this scenario and I would be him ... I would absolutely need the space, and I can see that's just an impossible thing to get as the parent of a newborn and a young toddler, and the partner of a wife who needs me too after a traumatic time. I know it seems like he's out a lot, and I would ordinarily agree that that's too much for a father of 2 small kids, but I'm pretty sure it feels like a lifeline to him.

I think if you can go for counselling - just you, leave him out of it for now - then that would be helpful. You need strategies to allow YOU to cope. Put on your own oxygen mask. You can't help him, or your children, if you are struggling to breathe yourself.

Fuck MYA, that sounds awful
Not being able to see your sick baby for 30 hours? Not having your DH there to take pictures for you, tell you everything that was going on? I would have been on absolute panic stations.
You sound like you're doing an amazing job coping. What a strong woman you must be.

Do you want to share more? I don't want to intrude or trigger you, but if you want to, do.
The worst part of birth for me was the loss of control. They were monitoring me throughout as high risk so I couldn't be in any position other than on my back, hooked up
The room was full of people.
I was pressured into a hospital birth I didn't want.
They took my baby away the minute she was born so I couldn't hold or see her, but I could hear her crying.
Everything about it is etched on my memory.

What you went through is so much worse, I don't know how you did it.
Well done!

Gosh you’ve both been through so much.x

Going out is a fab idea. Re him feeling nothing else matters and things you say aren’t important (like bathing the baby) is spot on. When I suffered a very sudden bereavement, I remember for months my Dh telling me things about his day and in my head I would be thinking “why are you telling me this utter rubbish, I don’t care and X is dead!” I think the brain is in such utter shock that you can’t cope with everyday things.

I think he needs to know that you understand he is in shock but he also needs to know that you are struggling. Have you told him how horrific those days in hospital were for you?

3 months is no time where grief is concerned. He keeps asking for space, I'd listen to him and back off. I don't think hassling him to say every thing is ok, is the answer - even though it's what you want to hear, right now.

Under any other circumstances, I'd say yanbu, but given his DM died so recently, if you want to save your marriage, I'd give him some room to breathe for a while.

Good luck op - 💐💐💐

Sorry you are both going through this OP. As others have said grief is hard to come to terms with.

Has he seen the GP for support and referral to a service that may help him? That would be a good first step.

My lovely FIL died a couple of years into our relationship and my DH said he wanted us to split, he was in so much pain at the loss of his wonderful dad and he didn’t want me to have to go through it with him knowing he would change etc.

We are still together, and very happily married, silver wedding coming up! So you can get through it, but it will take time and support on both sides.

Have you got anyone that can help you with the children? So you can spend some time together and talk.

I hope things are much easier at home very soon OP.

Sorry your going through this OP. I think he sounds very depressed, would he go to the G.P for counselling?
Also for a married man with 2 small kids to be out with friends that much is just a piss take really. He needs to be putting you first not mates. I'd be talking to him and if he wont help more and get help himself then I'd think seriously about letting him go.
I wonder as well if he has anyone else?

I’m sorry to disagree with most other posters, but I think that going out and leaving your wife home alone with a tiny baby 7 nights a fortnight is taking the piss.

Yes he’s been bereaved but so has the Op. and she’s just had a very traumatic birth with significant injuries and trying to recover while caring for a tiny baby 24/7.

If he needs “space” from the OP he has it 40 hours a week when he’s at work. He needs to step up and do more parenting here . One night out a week seems reasonable, as long as the Op a,so gets one night out alone with her friends.

Yes a date night is fine but he needs to stay home more. I don’t know any mums of tiny babies who cope with bereavement by going out every second night AND being out at work all day, leaving their partner with the baby.

I also think it’s odd that the funeral costs were taken from the OPs savings for her maternity leave and not from the deceased’s estate.

Op, just want to say, how sorry I am you are going through this at a time you feel most vulnerable and in need of support. I wanted to add that another poster mentioned grief can be very selfish, and I do think that this is the problem. I lost my parents recently. To be honest, we didn’t get on that well. But it floored me. It changed the way I saw the world and it made me feel that everything was a hollow sham. I couldn’t believe that the world went on, that people smiled and watched television, went to work and told jokes etc etc. As a mother, I had to keep going. We don’t have a choice. Your husband has lost his mother. His whole landscape has changed, and how tragic that she was so young. He probably can’t even articulate to himself how he feels, let alone explain to you. I think, unfair though it is, if you want to preserve your relationship, you need to back off, accept that at the moment, he can’t support you in the way you need and deserve. Counselling may help you - it may help him, but to be honest, it’s not a cure all for everyone. Sometimes, it’s just time. The villains here are cancer and death and loss perched behind the birth of your baby, just impossible combination. The death of your MIL will fade though, but your husbands love for his baby can only grow. The balance will come right again though, but I think you’ve got to be the amazing, strong person.

So sorry to hear this. It's especially hard when you are both triggering each other and both coping with different elements of the fallout.

Have you left any info about bereavement out for him OP? Lots of our clients (bereavement services) drop mid life crisis style bombshells on their partner when grieving and it's not until later they come to regret rash decisions made in pain and fear and anger, when their own mortality is screaming at them to do something urgently.

Ask him when do you get 'space' because you need it too? Ask him when does he start acting like a fucking grown-up and accepting his responsibilities. Ask him if he's aware he will have his children 50% of the time and he will NOT be a weekend Dad (which I believe OP he will want to be right now).

His Mum died, yes. But that happens to all of us. He also has children and a family and he needs to step up.

Sorry to these this op
All you can do imo is just bear with it and ride the storm
Make sure you also have time for yourself also if he can have three. Nights out a week you should also have time out too
Support him of course
But don’t martyr yourself in the process

Don't rush any decision, you are besieged in grief and stress.

Book a bereavement counsellor today.

Tell him to hold off on any decisions about future until you have some help, support and guidance.

You need to talk about this in RL. Choose the most trusted friend, and ask them to come over, you can't deal with all of this alone.

Give him space, let him sulk, grieve whatever he needs and you carry on looking after everyone else without expecting too much back from him. I think he will eventually come round.

Wow, ignore your own well-being and support the man!

I agree with those who have suggested bereavement and couples counselling. You've both had a sad and difficult year, and it sounds like each of you is disappointed with the way the other has supported you with your respective pain. This is almost inevitable in the circumstances, and counselling might help you get past that.

Unlike so many threads on MN it sounds like the relationship may be essentially a good one, which just came under unsustainable pressure due to awful circumstances.

You're both in the middle of a shit-storm at the moment, perhaps it would be better to have some time away from each other? Could you go home to parents for a while and leave him on his own? You need support after a cs and you're not getting it.

What a horrible situation.
He says his whole perspective has changed.
That happened to me when I lost my Mum - it is 5 years ago now but my personality changed overnight and I have not returned to the person I was before. I have to learn to live with my new personality - it's hard to explain, but I was confident and outgoing before and now I'm shy and retiring. Also I used to get worked up about things and now there are very few things that bother me - in the grand of scheme of things they have become unimportant.

Don't want to ramble on about myself, but just wanted to give you an idea of what your DH might be dealing with. The Macmillan nurse told me that you shouldn't make major life decisions in the first 18 months after the loss of a parent because your body and brain are all over the place.

What an awful situation.

Sounds as if neither can support the other atm & it's easy to see how that can be building resentment.

3 months is nothing-for either of you.

One of mine was born just after a parent died & I was so caught up in that I didn't really have time to grieve-must have been hard for my sibling & other parent.

I've just lost my dad, at the same time as DP going through something difficult (though not as bad as what you went through with your birth). It's really, really, really hard. Cos we both need support, and we're not in a position to give it to each other. And we're looking after DD.

When you're grieving, it just seems like the most huge, awful thing and you really do lose a little bit of empathy cos you can't imagine that what someone else is going through is anything like as bad as yours. I'm not excusing him, but what you went through really won't be a reality to him, and he'll be feeling - perhaps - as though you're not being supportive. I'm not saying he's right just that that's how it can feel (speaking as the bereaved person here).

Take yourself to counselling even if dp wont. It will help you process everything. It's an awful situation - at a time where you need him and it should be all about you qnd he baby - suddenly it's not anymore because if his mums sudden death. It would be hard not to feel resentful about the situation

"He needs to offload about his mother to you, you need to find someone else to offload your own grief as well as the new baby stress. He can't take it."

Hang on, so OP is supposed to take on all his emotional load on top of her own, and then is supposed to also find "someone else to offload onto"? How come she has to take on his AND her own while he ends up with none? Why is the expectation that he can say "I cant take it" and she cant?