To wonder wtf I'm meant to do now- DH just said he wants us to split up

[MYA2018]

We're early 30s, married for 4 years but together for 15. Virtually childhood sweethearts.
Been a tough year... We welcomed our 2nd baby 3 months ago and dh's mother passed away the same day.
Fastforward 3 months and we don't get on. We both just pick fights. I feel like he puts me at the end of his list of priorities and he feels that I don't give him space. I think we're both right but the last few weeks we can't even be in the same room without arguing. I feel like we have gone from soul mates to worst enemies.
I get so upset and he doesn't seem bothered. I can sit in tears and he won't ask why. I had a difficult birth and an awful recovery after csec but due to his mother's passing I was very alone and have felt so ever since.
He's a very closed book when it comes to his feelings and doesn't open up which I feel has meant I've been a lot less supportive that I could / should have been.
At the same time every time I suggest we do anything as a family he seems to prioritise going out with friends etc and when I tell him I miss us being a family he tells me I'm out of order for not giving him space when he needs it most. I don't know what to do for the best.
Today during an argument early afternoon he told me that he just doesn't like me anymore and he feels that we perhaps shouldn't live together now. I'm heartbroken and have tried to talk to him since but he just shrugs it off and walks away. The kids are in bed and I'm just sat here while he's out in the garage tidying up. Like nothing happened.
Wtf am i meant to do / think? I'm so lost. All of our friends are mutual and I dont really want to share all this with them. But I feel like my marriage is crumbling in front of me and I don't know what to do. 6 months ago life was pretty perfect I don't know how we got to this. Help :(

Just wanted to say how sorry I am for both of you. I am 38 weeks pregnant with my third and can only imagine how terrible this situation would be for us if it were to unfold over the next few weeks.

My father lost his DM and a day later my mum’s DM became very very ill, it looked like she was going to die too (she did 4 months later). My poor dad’s grief was overlooked in many ways because we were all rallying round trying to try to help, in a practical sense, with mum’s DM. No one had the time or emotional strength to sit and remember DGM properly and process the loss.

I think you are both in an incredibly difficult situation - how can either of you support the other with what has happened? Also, in situations like this, you, and I would imagine your extended family, are in “putting out the fires” mode, dealing with situations as they arise and getting through each individual hurdle. Alongside this you need long term support to deal with the trauma of the two separate issues. Time together as a couple, to reconnect and recharge your batteries would be useful. If you could access therapy together it may also help, it would be great if he could go too. Perhaps he will attend if you underline what a monumentally awful situation you have been in as a family and how unusual it is for anyone to find themselves dealing with a sudden death and a difficult birth at exactly the same time.

The best of luck to you and your family, my heart really does go out to you.

Agree with Orlaith. This may sound harsh, and he will be grieving for a very long time, but he needs to focus on the people who are still here.

I feel so sorry for you, OP. Can you get some help through a postnatal NCT group? Your health visitor? Why did your savings pay for the funeral? That should have come from the estate.

He is suffering and so are you, but you deserve more. He can’t be excused every period of bad behaviour due to the death of his parent.

His mother died 12 weeks ago, on the day his child was born. The death of a parent is horrible enough, but on a day when he should be celebrating the birth of his child? That's a monster blow for anyone to endure. He probably feels racked with guilt for feeling any happiness about his DC because he should be grieving for his mum. One of the happiest moments of his life and one of the worst have fallen on the same day, and I imagine, that's too much to process.

On top of that, you've had a difficult birth, you aren't robust enough to support him, he is not robust enough to support you.

Add on top all the standard pressures that come hand in hand with a newborn.

OP your relationship isn't falling apart, all of that in the space of three months would shake the foundation of pretty much any family unit. No wonder you're feeling at breaking point.

Try and move your thoughts away from feeling that his actions towards you are personal, it's unlikely its you, and more likely its the combination of the issues you are both facing. You're struggling and trying to hold it together and he doesn't know whether he's coming or going and you're sniping at each other.

Phone a counselling helpline, tell them how you feel about your birth. Tell them about MIL, and how he's not coping. They will be much better armed to advise whether you need couples counselling, or grief counselling, post partum counselling, separately, together...

I hope you find the support you need xx

Having a parent die is no excuse to treat people around you like shit

Up to this point was he a loving, supportive partner? If so I’d be inclined to work with him to try to resolve his grief. He is being selfish but I think everyone is allowed to be occasionally, and the death of a parent is one of those times.

That’s not to minimise that you need help too, just maybe you need to look elsewhere for it.

I agree with all the pp suggesting he needs counselling.
And if you are sitting crying, then i’d suggest you do too.

Then, don’t be afraid to ask for practical help for yourself. Speak to your health visitor. Also please contact homestart. They’re a charity that trains volunteers to go in and help those with young children a couple of hours a week. I had the most wonderful, non-judgemental adult company for once a week when my 2 were very little. I would be surprised if they didn’t consider your position worthy of a little support.

Didn't his mother have a funeral plan? Even welfare can pay part of the funeral costs. Didn't he have any brothers or sisters to help share the costs? It is so wrong that parents do this to their children esp when funeral cover costs around 2 dollars a week. My father only had the base level funeral cover of $10 thousand and the funeral all up only came to around 5 thousand, so we got 5 thousand extra between ourselves.

OP your relationship isn't falling apart

Not being funny, but did you miss the part where he wants to separate?

It sounds like maybe the shock of losing his mum has made him reevaluate a lot of things and he’s realised that he no longer wants to be with you. And his current emotional state means he’s being honest rather than trying to just carry on.

It’s hard for both of you. I think right now if he wants space and to split you need to give that to him.

My advice is to focus on yourself and your children, get practical, start planning realistically what things look like for you to separate, who will live where, tell some close friends for support, basically get yourself to a place where you know you’ll survive this and make it through whether you’re with him or without. His entire life has changed overnight, yours has too but it’s much harder for him. He may well take months, years, to get back to who he was, if he even can. The most loving respectful thing you can do right now is not try and force him to do what he doesn’t want to do, be with you.

I’m so sorry, but I do think whatever issues have led to him ending the marriage now were probably already rumbling under the surface. When I lost my mum I clung to my partner for support, I didn’t push him away. I’d only have pushed him away if I was very sure the relationship wasn’t right, and losing her did make me much more ruthless and less willing to paper over cracks and go along with things I wasn’t happy with.

OP, it might be better for you if you do separate at the moment. You're exhausted, and instead of supporting you he (for whatever understandable reasons) is actually making things worse for you. A couple of months on his own might sort out his feelings and make him appreciate you a bit more.

I think it will be quite difficult for you to put this behind you, unless you're a very well-balanced person (and who is?). The longer you stay pushing each other's buttons the worse the resentment will be.

The most loving respectful thing you can do right now is not try and force him to do what he doesn’t want to do, be with you.

Blimey, put the boot in.

I don’t mean that nastily. I just think if you love and respect him, listen to him. He’s said he wants to be apart. So you have to respect that, as hard as it is.

OP, this is what you do.

You understand that this is a total fuck-up. Blame isn't relevant, it's still fucked.
You look at your children and you know that you will make a life for yourself and them no matter what he does or says.
You set about it.
Just do it.
If, years down the line when he's recovered from his grief and grown up a bit (7 nights out a fortnight? what? woman or he's an idiot) he can try to win you round.
You don't have time now to wait for him, to get him counselling, give him space. You're raising babies. You need a secure basis for your daily life.
So have a bath, take some deep breaths and start sorting your life.

Having a parent die is no excuse to treat people around you like shit

Wow, I can see how relationships fall apart. The ting about bereavement - and especially sudden shocking bereavement- is that you CANNOT control your behaviour or emotions. The same as post natal depression.

The thing about bereavement is that most mothers just have to get on with it. They don’t get to walk away from everything during the day and soclialise every second night.

If the OPs husband was on medication, signed off sick, seeing a psychologist etc , it might be different .

But he’s out at the footie while she’s siting at home, in pain, recovering from her injuries AND caring for baby.

It’s not on.

*Maybe you could agree to give each other space. He could go out with his friends one night and you go out another.

How often does he go out ? Do you suspect another woman ?*

Wow where did that leap come from?

Op you're both grieving as loads have said, get counselling and quickly.

You both need counselling, separately, for your respective traumas.
Your DH - god, what a mess for him, losing his mother and nearly losing his DS2 in the same day - that's major trauma right there. No wonder he's shut down.
You - awful birth, nearly losing your DS2, losing your MIL, and pretty much losing your DH (emotionally) on the same day because of his shut-down.

Of course you're both broken by this experience - and of course your DH is going to have a different perspective on life and what is important, with losing his mum, it does rather do that to you, especially if it was unexpected.
So he needs bereavement counselling, you need a decent debrief from the hospital and some personal counselling and then I think it might benefit you both to have couples counselling as well to see if you can find each other again.

I'm so sad for you - what a dramatic and sad experience all round, even though your DS2 survived (thank goodness!) - but I believe you can come through it if you get the right help for each of you.

Also, regarding your DH going out with his friends - he's trying to ignore what's happened. He's refusing to process it because it hurts too much (assuming he's a normally functioning adult when it comes to emotions), so he's getting round that by throwing himself into life outside the home because then he doesn't have to THINK about his mum, family, etc.
You being mum, his mum missing out on seeing DS2, all that is painful for him - so he's avoiding it where possible.

It's not healthy for him or your marriage for him to continue to do that but he needs to recognise that, and not blame YOU for any of it.

If DH won't consider counselling, definitely get it for yourself regardless so you have someone neutral to talk things through with.

Re. Separating. I'd sit him down and say that you know things are hard right now, but it's not the right time to separate so soon after his Mum's death and having a new baby. Suggest that you both reevaluate in a few months. That doesn't negate his suggestion, but gives you time to continue grieving/getting through those first months with a new baby.

Having lost a parent fairly young myself, I think he's in a fog of grief and that's clouding his judgement. I was in a daze for 6 months after the bereavement, then slightly better - but it took a full year to really start feeling normal again. I honestly don't think he'll be saying such hurtful things in a few months. Focus on getting yourself some support and don't make any long-term decisions right now.

Sending you lots of . It's a horrible situation.

What a terrible situation for both of you. It's entirely beyond my comprehension how you deal with your mum dying and your child being born the same day, it's cataclysmic. Poor, poor man and poor you.

I imagine his grief is completely overwhelming him right now. Three months is nothing. I was twice his age and my mum was a very old lady when she died. It nearly broke me. Nothing has ever hurt as much in my whole life. Nothing mattered, everything was diminished by the loss. I didn't know who I was or what the point of me was any more. This is a very common way to feel after a major bereavement.

Add in to that the birth of his child which should be such a happy event but is totally clouded and the emotional overload must be almost unbearable. He can't support you because he's got nothing to give.

It's also dreadful for you, trying to recover from a very traumatic birth, look after two very little children and cope with the shocking death of a woman you loved too. You wouldn't wish this situation on your worst enemy.

Three months is probably too soon for bereavement counselling, the way he feels is normal and he needs to work through it. Grief is work and it's exhausting. It's normal to crave space so you can process it.

That doesn't help you, though. If you can get support elsewhere it would probably be best for both of you. I get that you don't want to impose on your mum but I bet she wouldn't see it like that. Accept help from wherever you can find it. What's happened to your family is horrific, if you can get past this - and you probably can, it's amazing how strong human beings can be - your family will be so strong you'll be invincible.

My heart goes out to you both. 💐

I think he sounds a right bastard to be honest, I lost my Dad suddenly at 21 and I'd have never treated a partner they way hes treating OP.

@TheGoddessFrigg "The ting about bereavement - and especially sudden shocking bereavement- is that you CANNOT control your behaviour" Yeah, NAH! What a load of rubbish! You cannot control your emotions, but you CAN control how you act and treat others.

My guess is that your DH’s mother would have been appalled at the way her son is behaving towards you. I understand that he is grieving but he’s being very cruel by leaving you to cope with the children after a difficult birth while he goes out.

You said that you miss adult company while he has plenty. When you ask him to stay with you because you have nobody to talk to he feels suffocated. Are you the one stuck at home? You will go crazy and his sanity is not worth more than yours.

Denial is one of the early stages of grief. If he is not ready or willing to engage with the added complications of your family situation then you need external support. Counciling through work sounds like an excellent start, and see if you can get practical support via the HVs. You have the usual demands of a baby & young child, plus your physical and mental recovery from birth, plus your own grief for the situation and grieving for your DH as he has detached from the whole thing. Clinging on to denial is a way to pretend that his web of problems doesn't exist, but they are here and your problems are very real too and can't be avoided by both of you.