To wonder wtf I'm meant to do now- DH just said he wants us to split up

[MYA2018]

We're early 30s, married for 4 years but together for 15. Virtually childhood sweethearts.
Been a tough year... We welcomed our 2nd baby 3 months ago and dh's mother passed away the same day.
Fastforward 3 months and we don't get on. We both just pick fights. I feel like he puts me at the end of his list of priorities and he feels that I don't give him space. I think we're both right but the last few weeks we can't even be in the same room without arguing. I feel like we have gone from soul mates to worst enemies.
I get so upset and he doesn't seem bothered. I can sit in tears and he won't ask why. I had a difficult birth and an awful recovery after csec but due to his mother's passing I was very alone and have felt so ever since.
He's a very closed book when it comes to his feelings and doesn't open up which I feel has meant I've been a lot less supportive that I could / should have been.
At the same time every time I suggest we do anything as a family he seems to prioritise going out with friends etc and when I tell him I miss us being a family he tells me I'm out of order for not giving him space when he needs it most. I don't know what to do for the best.
Today during an argument early afternoon he told me that he just doesn't like me anymore and he feels that we perhaps shouldn't live together now. I'm heartbroken and have tried to talk to him since but he just shrugs it off and walks away. The kids are in bed and I'm just sat here while he's out in the garage tidying up. Like nothing happened.
Wtf am i meant to do / think? I'm so lost. All of our friends are mutual and I dont really want to share all this with them. But I feel like my marriage is crumbling in front of me and I don't know what to do. 6 months ago life was pretty perfect I don't know how we got to this. Help :(

I'm so sorry you are going through this. You sound like you've both had a tough year. Was Mil's death sudden or expected? Your Dp is still grieving. He sounds like he needs some help to come to terms with it. Would he go to the gp for advice?

Perhaps you could gently suggest councilling before making any final decisions?

Hugs OP. He is grieving, you are recovering and presumably you are both dealing with little sleep having a newborn.

What do you want? Do you still love him?

It's not an ideal time but it sounds like you both need to give each other space as feelings are so raw. If he won't talk maybe a letter that lays out all the positive things you still feel (if you still do) and give him a chance to respond in his own time.

I know what you need right now is support but it sounds like he isn't emotionally able to give it.

xx

You're both grieving - you need to both take a step back and get counselling.

My first thought was, he is behaving appallingly, but is his grief clouding everything?

Your baby is tiny, you are only 3 months post difficult delivery. You really do need some support, is he doing anything to help himself?

Poor, poor you, OP.

Funnily enough I was on a thread earlier and I think this was what the OP meant about ‘get counselling’ - it may not be what’s needed here.

I feel very sorry for your DH but IMO his behaviour is still just awful.

Bloody hell he sounds like he's been knocked sideways by his mum's death. If he can't see that, it's difficult. He's probably feeling that he isn't getting enough support from you - not at all saying thats the case btw but he may be unable to name or understand any of his emotions.

You both desperately need support. Is he in touch with his GP, Cruse bereavement counselling? Any brothers or sisters he could talk to?

For you, can you try to get help elsewhere? Your gp and hv? Additional childcare, a mothers help at home, anything to help you get through these exhausting months? I dont think he is going to be able to support you and it's not his fault.

It sounds to me like you're triggering each other - you're seeking attention and reassurance and he's seeking space. As a "space needer" myself in a similar relationship dynamic I can see his perspective (though can also see yours). If I were desperately needing space and struggling emotionally within myself, a partner who was seeking reassurance/saying they want more "family time"/crying on the sofa without explaining why, would add to my sense of claustrophobia and tension/irritability. (I know it might seem mean but I can't help it - an avoidant attachment style basically.) So if you want to improve things and disrupt the cycle I would suggest giving him space and behaving in a less "needy" way yourself, until he is more emotionally contained/regulated (and this will help him to do so). If that is at all possible. Go out more if you can, do your own thing, see friends, leave him to his own devices, etc. I know that for me, being in that struggling emotional state means that being pressured to provide attention and reassurance just makes things so much worse. I know it's hard because you have needs too.

Yes, it is.

Do I sound harsh? Possibly. I have lost both parents but I carried on parenting my own children.

His mother died and his baby was born on the same day? That's a bit like an earthquake happening at the same time as winning the lottery. I'm not surprised he's behaving as he is (not saying he should be unkind to you) as his emotions will be all over the place.

Grief does strange things to people; often you're not thinking straight and can pick arguments for no apparent reason.It doesn't go away in a couple of weeks.

I'd agree that you both need some professional counselling to come to terms with what's happened in both your lives. You can then,hopefully, begin to move forward with some understanding of how each of you is feeling. You've both had a very tough time.

No continually you don't sound harsh. You both sound desperate. Please dont blame him for not coping with bereavement with the strength you somehow found.

It sounds like you’ve both had an absolutely awful time recently.

You’ve had a traumatic birth, and need help and support. He’s lost his mum and he needs help and support.

I think you both need counselling.

It sounds like you still love him so if you do, id tell him. Also tell him you’ve both had terrible time and you want to try to make the marriage work.

Big hug for you OP. What a traumatic time for you both.

Grief affects people so differently and it is an incredibly selfish emotion. Can I suggest you ask him to see his GP or get in touch with Cruise for one on one or group counseling.

Your husband is hurting and the person he is closer to is you, so unfortunately you get the worst of it. It’s not fair.

I agree with a PP that you need to give him space and use your own network of friends and family to provide you with the support you need at this time.

OP you should ask MN to move this to relationships. Lots of advice and support there.

It's all very well people excusing his behaviour but I'm sure OP doesn't have the option of having any space, regardless of how she is feeling.

I'm so sorry he is behaving in this way, OP. Sending you love and hugs.

Crikey op I'm so so sorry
You need support and to feel cherished and he needs space. What a fuck up.
It's not your fault, not saying you need to fix it because you've fucked up, but I would say if you want to try and save things, find the support elsewhere that you need. For me it would be my mum and my sisters and I would lean heavily on them to do the job your DH should be doing. I think that with time he might then come back and re-engage and you can then hopefully get counselling to unpick the hurt so you feel you've got some resolution on your feelings too and they haven't just been swept under the carpet.
Extreme support should be offered to a new mum, especially after a difficult birth.
Extreme support should be offered to the bereaved. That's why this is so awful that you're both empty and need filling, but neither can fill the other.
Is there anyone else you can look to?

You've both had a difficult time and as a PP said you're looking to the other person to carry you for a while but you're both running on empty. You need to widen your supportive circle. YY it would be lovely if DH could give you the attention you want but he can't and it doesn't sound as though it's because he doesn't care. It's because he's grieving. Can you rely on friends and family more? Or even consider counselling to help you process the traumatic birth and the loss of your DMIL?
You both have a lot to process. Try not to focus on what's missing from your relationship. Instead accept this is a difficult time that isn't representative of who you both are. Be gentle with yourself and each other

op im really sorry.
have you fallen out of love though or just fallen?
it sounds to me like nyou just both reached and emotional wall and cant take anymore so snipe and spit because there just no patience or resilience left.
the worst and best thing happened to him.it must bring the worst kind of mixed feelings.i bet too it must have made bonding with his new born even harder when he was just so sad.maybe thinking how could you be here and mums not.and all sorts of other feeling a dad would never wish to have on his special new borns day.
have you talked to him about it?like sat down laid it out there.told him that you wreckon that must have been a devastating day for him mixed with the new born and really empathised with him.asked if he needs any help?
now is the time the only thing you need to do is be brave.and sit and talk through every painful thing with him.
does he want to leave or does it just seem to hopeless to do with all sorts of things in life for you both at the moment.
I know you scared and must be picturing it all falling apart so you need to really grapple the situation proper.if he really does want this to end there needs to be way more discussion than this.you owe it to eachtoehr and the family.
don't lose heart.
do you want to stay with him.or are you scared of all youd lose if that makes any sense?

Many years ago I was in the same situation. Both in laws died within a year, we had two tiny children. My partner said he wasn’t sure he still wanted to be with us, he was diagnosed with depression, went on antidepressants for a short time and we went to counselling together. It made him realise that he was grieving and did not want to split. We are still together and very happy 25 years later. Get help, it’s easier to talk about things with a neutral person present.

The first few months of having a new baby are the most stressful but most get through it. His grieving appears to be a bit of a stick breaking the camel's back but he needs to realise things will be a lot better in a few months of both fronts, man up and get through it

Busy did you mean to type 'man up'? About a bereaved new parent?

In general women are tougher and stronger than men. for evolutionary reasons female survival among all mammals is essential. This is not a particularly feminist thing to say but I think you have got to be the stronger person in the relationship if you want it to survive. Give him space, let him sulk, grieve whatever he needs and you carry on looking after everyone else without expecting too much back from him. I think he will eventually come round.

OP, I was in almost the same situation. MiL died a week before DS was born and I had a difficult delivery with a long recovery. That was 18 months ago. There were times in that first 6 months that we both wanted to throw in the towel but somehow we got through it. DH refused all suggestions of help and wouldn’t visit his GP and he still continues to live in denial and can’t face what happened. I, on the other hand, sought counselling via Cruse and they gave me very good coping strategies and also helped me to see everything through his eyes. It almost felt as though I became stronger and could support him better, and I think that’s what got us through that difficult time.

I posted here for advice at the time, and someone replied that a birth and a bereavement at the same time is a recipe for disaster, and I made it my mission to prove them wrong. If you can summon the strength to help your husband through his grief you may well find him able to support you better also. It’s not fair, as you’re grieving too and have a newborn to take care of, but someone has to take the first step. I was the one that took that step and it paid off, and I’m so proud of myself for being that strong to not only get through it myself, but to help my husband too.

Be kind to yourself, and good luck x

Maybe you could agree to give each other space. He could go out with his friends one night and you go out another.

How often does he go out ? Do you suspect another woman ?

I'd suggest he's overwhelmed. He's asked for space. I think you should listen and respect that.

It may be horredous having to sort out two young childten on your own but if he decides to go then you'll most likely have to anyway.
I'd try and do as much as I could on my own. Leave him out of much of daily life as you can, so he knows you can cope. You being strong is going to be more appealing than asking for him back, especially if he's falling apart himself.