To ask what you do all day with your (demanding) toddlers?

[Hoardernomore]

Dd is 2.8
She gets up about 7am and doesn’t go to bed ubtil 9.30pm. She doesn’t nap and hasn’t since she was 18 months.
She is very good at playing, in a way ds didnt, but she wants me to play with her a lot of the time. As she is awake for 14+ hours a day and doesn’t nap I’m finding it hard to get anything done as once she’s finally asleep between 9.30 and 10pm as I’ve tidied up a bit I’m ready for bed myself.
She loves to play with tiny things, her dolls’ house, sylvanians, shopkins and she will play for 4/5 hours in one go, going back to her game if interrupted for lunch for example. However she wants me to play too - I reckon I’m doing about 6 hours of heavy involved 1:1 play at the moment! We go out quite a bit so most of the time I’m in the house I’m having to play. The only way out is the tv or the iPad (she’s currently watching tv), and even that isn’t reliable as she isn’t that fussed a lot of the time. If I start off playing and then say ‘I’m going to do x and will come back after’ she just cries and calls me and follows me round the whole time. Sometimes she gets very involved in what she’s doing and forgets I’m not there and will play on her own but that doesn’t help very often.

I’m losing the will to live. There’s only so many times I can play at baby squirrel wanting his toys and Aunty rabbit losing her purse. Argh! I don’t remember this with ds but he didn’t play in the same way. By this age he liked games too, like snap and pairs. Dd has absolutely no interest. Neither will she build, do jigsaws, colour (will paint) or look at books on her own. She is ALL about small world play. Even when she goes to bed she will go up crying because she’s had to stop playing and in the morning will get up and resume where she left off.

How do people occupy their toddlers (apart from with a screen)? I’m finding 14 hour days a lot and even though we go out for several hours a day to groups etc it’s still leaving me with a fair bit of time in the house AND the weather is going to get worse.

I imagine you need to cope with both children? How does he think you do it? Its not like you have some secret power he doesn't! Tell him to stop being ridiculous and look after his own children while you have a break.

I love all the suggestions that you just need to make her go to sleep earlier! I also have one who doesn’t go to sleep until 8.30 at the absolute earliest, 9 fairly often. He’s not usually up until 7ish and that suits us OK but trying to bring bedtime forward just results in taking longer to settle him, regardless of routine and things. He just doesn’t need the 12 hours of sleep some children need. It suits us as we work so see him in the evening, for the OP I can see how it’s totally exhausting but even if she could get her DD to bed at 7pm by sneaking bedtime forward a few minutes a day for a month then if she wakes up 2 hours earlier the OP has gained no free time anyway!
I’m sorry OP I can offer nothing but sympathy, I work out if the home full time and although I miss DS in many ways it is easier. It sounds like you are already trying pretty much everything you can!

It is hard but she is only 2!I I am amazed she will play alone at all: Sorting the drawers has it about right: Also preschool playgroup:

In our house we have a quiet time after lunch, where the children play in their rooms and I do my emails, make phone calls etc. If they don't see you, they just get on and play. Keeps me sane.

Just wanted to say sympathy, my dd is exactly the same (also up 14 hours but wakes early and goes down early). I use TV and lots of it! Not proud but it’s the only way to get anything done. She’s starting pre school soon. My older one didn’t play independently until more like 4...

Have you tried putting on a CD of nursery rhymes and singing and getting her to join in while getting your jobs done?
I think I'd just let her whinge/cry as I couldn't cope with all that small play. I'd also start taking her to bed at 7.30 and keep taking her back to bed if she gets up. It will be hard at first but you'll get there eventually.
Also get that lazy arse of a partner to step up or do one. What good is he to you if he wont do the basics and look after his kids?.
Can you take her to the swimming pool and swim with her at the shallow end. That's entertaining and will tire her out a bit.

I thought twice about posting, as it sounds tough at he moment, but..

Do you think she could be on the ASD spectrum?

9 hours sleep really isn’t a lot for this age, they should be having 12-13 hours +/- a nap.

Also a restricted and repetitive range of interests can be a sign. (As I’m sure you are aware, having a child with ASD)

How’s her speech/eating/social interaction?

Personally I would put her in nursery at least a couple of mornings a week, as I think it massively benefits them at this age and is worth the money

Hoardernomore Sat 22-Sep-18 09:35:06
He finds her and ds a lot. He says he can only deal with one of them.

So what happens if YOU say you can only deal with one of them???? Why does he have a magic get-out card because he's got a willy???

Yes, toddlers are exhausting and the combination of a toddler and a child with SN even more so. But that is precisely why he MUST step up so you can have a break. You need it.

Dh has never done much in the way of looking after dd and so unfortunately that means she will now only settle for me which makes it a vicious circle. Also gives him a get out clause as she will say she only wants me.

I’m 99% she isn’t on the spectrum. Although she plays with similar types of toys she isn’t obsessive and doesn’t play repetitively. Verbally she is very very strong, but so was ds. However she is more sociable than he was. She will go and ask other children their name and tell them hers. She’s also quite good at sharing and offering to help other children. I would say verbally she is probably in front of, or at least the same as, a lot of other children of her age and she is very good at imaginative play (using a sheet of cardboard as a magic carpet for example).

She’s just hard work! I think if she went to bed at 7.30 I’d find it much more manageable. It’s the fact I’ve got at least another two hours of it now before she goes to bed.

They went to nursery I went to work (sorry not helpful)

9.5 hours of sleep is still in the normal range. Not all toddlers need the same amount of sleep! Also agree it's ridiculous for people to say just put her to bed at 7pm. She obviously isn't tired then! How would those posters feel if they were 'put to bed' at that time and instructed to go to sleep. If you're not tired you're not tired.

OP you said the 3.30pm onwards is the hardest time? What about introducing a structure for yourself for those remaining hours before bed? Eg half hour slots of household tasks and play? It might help the time to pass without feeling like a massive void.

I have a similar aged toddler who also doesn't really do independent play and I get it's draining!

You need to sleep train. At her age 9.30pm is far too late let alone 10pm. There is no reason she shouldnt be able to sleep from 7.30pm apart from habit.

My daughter is similar. After tea she has a longish bath and then pyjamas on, brush teeth etc. After that I say 'would you like to play or story and bed?'. She obviously always chooses play. Then I potter round tidying etc.(or sit on the sofa reading Mumsnet!) and every time she asks me to play or comes over to me I say 'OK Mummy will read you a story, then it'll be time for bed'. She did whine/keep asking a bit to start off with, but seems to have got the idea now that if she plays quietly on her own she can stay up, but otherwise all she's getting from me is story and bed. Then when I can see she's getting tired I give her another 'forced alternative' - 'right, it's time for bed now, would you like a story or straight to bed?' (repeat until she chooses one). I find there is no point at all in trying to put her to bed before she's ready, but at least this gives us both some quiet winding down time and she's getting better at sustaining independent play.

Can your DD not play in her room from 7pm? She sounds like rules the roost OP. Could she not have a DVD in her room before bed whilst you potter about downstairs? Your DH needs to pull his finger out as well.

You must be shattered!! DS isn’t like this sleep-wise, but he is intense when awake. I think the real issue here is that your partner isn’t sharing in any of this with you?

My daughter would only settle for me but when she started to understand turn taking around 2 we said we wanted to take turns in putting her to bed. I went to give her a good night kiss after my oh put her to bed the first few times. She wasn't happy about it for the first week but it quickly became the norm and the extra free half hour felt great. Might make you feel better if you could do something similar?

My DD is the same it's really exhausting isn't it! So jealous of those that still nap. I try and get out as much as possible too, and have resigned myself to the fact that she just doesn't need much sleep. Nursery 2 mornings a week is definitely helping though!

There is no reason she shouldnt be able to sleep from 7.30pm apart from habit.

Bollocks. She's a human being, not a robot. We all vary in many things, need for sleep and circadian rhythms being just one of them.

He says he can only deal with one of them.

That's a problem. He needs to get a bit more pro-active in sharing your burden. If she'll only settle for you, he needs to start sharing the bed time routine. One night he does bath you read to her, the next night you do bath he reads until she's used to either one of you putting her to bed. Then start bringing her bedtime forward slowly.
I agree lots of fresh air and exercise during the day will help.

Hey - agree with comments from a number of posters, mainly you absolutely need to implement an earlier bedtime (for your own sanity, but also so she gets into good habits before school) & try to get out more often during the day to tire her out (playpark, library, forest walk, city farm, chores). A few extra ideas that I hope are helpful:

1. Cooking together. The Tickle Fingers toddler cookbook has some really nice suggestions about recipes you can cook together with a toddler (and includes recipes for when they're older). My little girl (2.5) loves to help out with making the pizzas (basically tortilla wraps with toppings), fruit cups, breakfast muffins and a few other bits and pieces. Nice way to kill 30 mins.

1. Orchard Toys do a couple of really nice board/card games that work really well with our toddler. Favourites include Shopping List (they have a list and a basket, then need to turn over cards to fill up their basket), Smelly Wellies and a Farm snap game. They're pretty cheap, so worth buying one or two and seeing if they stick. Best to get your daughter sitting at a table to concentrate - if you can. Prevents her running off too quickly. :-)

1. Swimming. Do you take her swimming at all? Best way to tire her out.

Hope this helps. For what it's worth, I absolutely adore hanging out with my daughter, but there are some days where I can't help but find it repetitive and boring. I'm honestly suspicious of anyone who doesn't feel similarly. Good luck.

Does she do much physical exercise? My DS was like this, very demanding, always wanting my attention for pretend play and stopped napping at 2.5. The days were loooooong. The one thing that helped was a lot of physical exercise. I would take him out to the parks for 2 hours, out on his scooter / bike, for long walks and - best of all - swimming. Those kinds of activities would wear him out so he would be ready for bed by 7:30pm.

Does she play with your DS at all? My 3-year old DD would like to have my undivided attention if she could but with 2 kids there is only so much you can do. The good thing is that she and my 6-year old play well together a lot and that soaks up a lot of time where I don't have to entertain her. With my eldest, it was just 1-on-1 time and it was very tiring.

He is still non-stop on the go now from 6am to 9pm at 6 years old but the difference is, of course, that he can now sit in his room and read books for an hour or sit and colour or do puzzles and so on. I found the 1.5-3.5 age tough because they just demand so much attention.

I would send her to bed earlier too. If she wakes up early, so be it - DH can look after her. Presumably DS won’t be awake yet.

I find it absolutely unacceptable that your husband won’t step up to help more with her. Struggling with two? Do they have literally exactly the same sleep pattern? You need to get out in the evenings sometime. Can’t understand how he can be happy for you to be simply unaware or to go out in the evenings for, what, the last 3 years?

*simply unable to go out

I was shocked to read you actually have a partner. I spent most of this thread assuming you were a single parent.
Play with your child, put her to bed as he refuses to do it. Just leave your DP with absolutely all of the household chores. I'm guessing he doesn't come home from work and do housework from then until 10pm?

Could she include her small world whilst you do the house work. Eg make auntie squirrel a cup of tea whilst you cook dinner ? And ask auntie squirrel if she would like to stay for dinner, dd could wash some carrots. Just include the small world. Cleaning the house could include a sweep up with a little broom for auntie squirrel ?