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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

To be concerned about legal implications of different surnames

83 replies

maltesers99 · 21/09/2018 22:12

Hi!

Having recently had twins I have been considering the implications of being unmarried. I have read a lot on here (long time lurker, first time poster!) about this and find myself in this position. We have a great relationship and are very happy etc. DP wants them to have his surname which i understand but i am worried about not having the same name as my children and also concerned about any legal implications now and in the future. Does it affect any parental rights?

One solution for now is to double barrel our name although i am not sure he would be keen. AIBU to insist it is for now? We have vaguely discussed marriage but we were/are both quite young at heart and for a long time saw marriage as quite old fashioned/too grown up (that sounds silly now in a way). We have been together a long time 10+ years and feel secure (share deeds on house etc) but having children has triggered a feeling of wanting to protect them and me - and ensure we all a unit. How do i best approach this? Any advice? thanks!

OP posts:

edwinbear · 21/09/2018 22:14

Could you change your surname to his by deed poll?

Lazypuppy · 21/09/2018 22:19

We double barrelled baby's name as its the fairest way.

OneEpisode · 21/09/2018 22:22

If you will be taking maternity leave and taking the twins to appointments, they should have your surname. If he becomes a SAHD then their last name could be changed with consent of both parents...

TheHeartOfTafiti · 21/09/2018 22:22

I have a 10 year old with a different surname to me - I was married when he was born but kept my maiden name. I have carried a permission letter from his father when we’ve travelled abroad alone but have never been asked to show it. There are, of course, legal implications to your partner being on your children’s birth certificates - but having their father’s surname doesn’t really confer him any legal rights.

Barbie222 · 21/09/2018 22:23

Maybe give them yours now and make a nice ceremony of all changing your name when he marries you.

mussie · 21/09/2018 22:26

Or give them your name and then he can take your name when you marry, if he wants the same name as his DC

Echobelly · 21/09/2018 22:30

Use one of your names a middle name? My niece have mum's surname as middle name. DH added my surname as his own middle name last year after 10 years of marriage and now the kids want the same!

I've never had any problems, though sometimes people think the kids have my surname, and I've been asked about relationship to kids once when travelling, but that was all.

MsVestibule · 21/09/2018 22:30

My DCs took my name (we had them before we married) then when we married, we all changed our name to his. I had to reregister their births, which was very easy.

I knew I'd be the one doing all of the appointments, school stuff etc so wanted them to have my surname,

As you're unmarried, presumably you plan to go back to work FT and share all child related stuff/housework 50:50?

RJnomore1 · 21/09/2018 22:32

I'm married and have a different surname to dh.

Never been an issue.

IHaveBrilloHair · 21/09/2018 22:32

Give them your name and then take his, or double barrel when you get married.

SunnyintheSun · 21/09/2018 22:33

Agree with mussie. You are unmarried and no doubt the one taking maternity leave so babies get your name. He can take your name when you finally get married.

The key question is (and put your big girl pants on to answer this) - if you separate in future would you be the primary career? If so, it’s simpler if they have your name.

parietal · 21/09/2018 22:34

dh & I are married but I never changed my name. children have my surname as a middle name (so it is on the paperwork) and then his as a surname. they use his on a day-to-day basis but have a clear link to both of us.

meditrina · 21/09/2018 22:35

It's traditional for babies to have their mothers name (which wouid also be the father's if he married her)

You cannot change a child's name without the consent of all those with PR, which will be forthcoming if you decide to marry, but might not be if you split up and you then want DC to match you.

Do update your wills to provide for the DC.

And remember that things like wills and assignment of pension benefits can be changed at the stroke of a pen. Unless you are going back to full time work as soon as maternity entitlement expires, do just look through the lists of legal fences between cohabitation and marriage and check that you are still sure you are happy with your arrangements as your family circumstances change.

OoohSmooch · 21/09/2018 22:36

I can't comment on the unmarried part but I've been married 3 years and have an 18 month old with a different surname to mine as I didn't change my surname when we got married and never had a problem. Travelled out of the country with just her and me and took her birth certificate which they requested to see at the border. Travelled together on holiday recently and again no problems and didn't get asked for birth certificate.

Appointments, nursery etc no problems at all either and my sister in law who isn't married to my brother also has no problems with their toddler.

I do get a little enraged (first world problem) when I'm automatically called Mrs XXXX. My husband finds this great of course 😂

AmIRightOrAMeringue · 21/09/2018 22:37

Could you just get married?

I am married but didn't change name. Kids have my husbands name after lots of discussion. Passport control said I needed to carry their birth certificates when we fly. That's the only major issue for us

AllPizzasGreatAndSmall · 21/09/2018 22:42

I do not have the same surname as my now adult children and it has never caused any problems whatsoever.
I really don't know what issues people think will arise at the doctors or school. I have had a lot of appointments etc. regarding one of my children because of disability; nobody has ever been confused as to how I can be his mother just because we do not share a surname.

Babyshark2018 · 21/09/2018 22:44

I know it’s normal these days but having a different name to my daughter would make me really sad.

I say, give her your name- like PP said you will be going to all the appointments etc. until you get married. Or get married! And have a small ceremony.

Childcare for twins will be expensive, are you going to be a SAHM?

redexpat · 21/09/2018 22:45

Get married and keep your own name. Its not old fashioned its a legally binding contract that brings rights and protection. If one of you dies the other inherits without paying tax. Youre each others next of kin. If one of you gives up work and you then split then the primary carer has more protection. Keep your name though - it makes life easier should you divorce.

bluesky45 · 21/09/2018 22:48

We gave the baby both our surnames by double barrelling. When we get married next year, we are all going to have the same double barrelled surname. I think it was easier for my dp to think he was taking his son's name rather than taking my name if you see what I mean. Dp will likely have to change his by deed poll, I will just be able to use the marriage certificate.

Crunchymum · 21/09/2018 22:49

All my kids have different surname to me. My youngest has a shit load of medical appointments and not once has our different surnames been an issue.

I am beginning to feel a bit left out, 4 out of 5 of the family share a surname but I cba to do anything about it (deed poll or get married!)

Dixiechickonhols · 21/09/2018 22:49

Name has absolutely no bearing on parental rights. If he comes with you to register them and goes on birth cert as father he gets parental responsibility. Until the babies are registered with him named as father he has no parental rights, just you do. Unlike a married dad who is legally considered father of a child born to his wife.
Personally I wouldn't like a different name to DC. May cause issues when travelling and schools, activities etc often use the shorthand of Ms DC surname when speaking to you.
www.citizensadvice.org.uk/family/living-together-marriage-and-civil-partnership/living-together-and-marriage-legal-differences/

Mindchilder · 21/09/2018 22:49

I like having the same name as my children, give them your name.
Your partner has lots of options to double barrel or change his name to yours if he wants.

TwllBach · 21/09/2018 22:49

To add a slightly different slant to it, DS has DPs name and I’m pretty certain we aren’t getting married. 2 years on and I wish fervently that I had made sure ds had my name. I really dislike not having the same name as my child.

ambostraw · 21/09/2018 22:50

It doesn’t have legal implications. Your children’s name doesn’t override your position as their mother.

WineAndTiramisu · 21/09/2018 22:54

We're not married and our DD has my surname. It was important to me that we had the same name. Partner tried to say the same, but couldn't really argue as he's the one that doesn't want to get married. (I have a career and am the higher earner, so I'm not overly bothered!)

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