To be concerned about legal implications of different surnames

[maltesers99]

Hi!

Having recently had twins I have been considering the implications of being unmarried. I have read a lot on here (long time lurker, first time poster!) about this and find myself in this position. We have a great relationship and are very happy etc. DP wants them to have his surname which i understand but i am worried about not having the same name as my children and also concerned about any legal implications now and in the future. Does it affect any parental rights?

One solution for now is to double barrel our name although i am not sure he would be keen. AIBU to insist it is for now? We have vaguely discussed marriage but we were/are both quite young at heart and for a long time saw marriage as quite old fashioned/too grown up (that sounds silly now in a way). We have been together a long time 10+ years and feel secure (share deeds on house etc) but having children has triggered a feeling of wanting to protect them and me - and ensure we all a unit. How do i best approach this? Any advice? thanks!

There are no legal implications of the twins having a different surname to you.

There are loads of practical implications, however.

You’ve seen other threads on this subject. Reread them. Do yourself a favour and give the kids your name. It is much easier to change it to your partner’s surname if you get married than change it to yours (or double barrel) if you break up.

And speak to your partner about the benefits of being married. For you and your children.

The surname is a red herring. Get married if you want legal/ financial/ fiscal benefits.

I kept my surname when I married ("maiden" name ugh. I was never a maiden...) My DCs have their late father's surname- so no living parent with their name. It has never caused a problem ever. From time to time, people who don't know me may very occasionally call me Mrs Children's Surname. I just answer. Or tell them my name if they need to know it.
DCs have my surname as a middle name. I suppose if they wanted to share my surname, I might change it but they are connected to their surname. It's part of their identity and they like the link to their late father- plus his wider family would be upset.

Thought the tradition was child takes mum’s surname, but traditionally you got married before babies and took husbands name, so looks like child has fathers name.

Give the babies your name, you can change it easily if you get married.

Why are people going on about changing if she gets married? There is absolutely no reason for her to do it. Getting to give the childrren his name is not a reward for a man for marrying their mother!

Some really great points raised, thank you (sorry for late response, feeding 2 is a task!)

I do feel that the protection of marriage is important and I suppose having children puts that in perspective doesn't it! Something you don't always think of when you are just thinking about yourself.

We share childcare as run our own business, so feel lucky in that sense. Another reason why I (we?) never thought we 'needed' the 'piece of paper' as it were. But it isn't just a piece of paper is it. it's a lot more than that and deep down i suppose something that is important to me. Not sure why in some way i find that hard to admit! lol!

We need to register the births asap so wouldn't have time to quickly get married and i wouldn't want to rush it if we did decide to. Also i would like a proposal haha and have some romance to it.
I explained to DP i didnt want different names really and he said 'oh we could get married' (he's not opposed i dont think) and so i sort of nod along because i want him to then think 'ok i will propose' rather than ok let's hop down the registry office. Maybe i am expecting too much!!!

singletomingle - interesting hearing a father's perspective too - i imagine it could be tricky in some circumstances to explain a different surname from your children.

It is also a little about how you are perceived at the school, appointments etc. And also i agree with others about how you are automatically assumed to be Mrs X - i found this in hospital and i just nodded along as found it a bit awkward!

I'm thinking double barrelled for now and then can always change or even keep it. At least then both our names are included. My only slight issue with this is that it may sound a bit OTT! It's not something you hear often really. Am i over thinking it?!

Glad to hear there aren't really any legal implications.

If you're going to be the primary carer then it makes sense they have your name. What are his reasons for them having his? Personally I would give them mine and then if we decided to marry he could take it too if he wanted to.

It will be the man's. It always is.

DH is actually Mr MyName because it's way cooler. But I appreciate how rare that is. His family were very confused when we did it.

I never understand why women still want a big proposal after they’ve had children. The moment to be a blushing bride is already over by then. You’ve had his children so yes he bloody well should marry you! It’s a practical step which should ideally have been taken beforehand so the faux naïveté of a grand proposal is all a bit bizarre. The grandest of all commitments has already been made.

Tippexy - yeah i do see what you are saying and i have never been a 'big white dress fantasy' type person. But when someone says 'oh we could get married' then what do you say to that? It's just a fleeting comment rather than a question if you know what I mean.

Much easier to change their surname to his at a later date, than give them his name and if you split have to seek his permission (if he's on birth certificate and has parental rights) to change their names from his to yours.

Travel (may need a letter giving you permission to travel outside uk with them), explaining to Drs, school, daycare etc - pita in my opinion.

Separate issue and not what you posted about I know, but I hope you are aware of the issues with being unmarried ESPECIALLY if you're not returning to work full time as soon as paid mat leave up?

Marriage is not 'old fashioned' it's a legally binding contract that confers rights and responsibilities on each party that neither party can remove without the other consenting.

Graphista - I am only really now thinking about the issues with being unmarried - i suppose it's not something you dwell on day to day. But it does concern me especially as we now have children. We haven't made provisions such as a will, which i think we must do asap.
I agree, much easier to change from mine to his long term as opposed to the other way around. Double barrelled is probably the only way around it as taking just my name will cause grief!

SweatyFretty- you are one of those vanishingly rare women who were assigned a male last name at birth. It happens sometimes-nothing to worry about. Just a bit of confusion somewhere-obviously you should have had an ugly, difficult to spell, difficult to say or alternatively incredibly dull and boring "women's" last name which you would have hated with a passion all your life-but not so much that you would change it apart from on marriage...

"Double barrelled is probably the only way around it as taking just my name will cause grief!"
Why? Is he a sexist arsehole?

Bertrand - haha! Not sexist but i think just as i feel annoyed if they had his surname and not mine he feels the same way if they had mine and not his! His family on the other hand...they would definitely see it as weird, i don't even think they would like a double barrelled name but it isn't their decision! They are assuming babies will be his surname only I think.

Just tell him, if you're not married it's traditional to give a baby your surname.

We're not married. We have our own names. DS has both surnames.
If we were married (or happen to marry inn the future) it would be the same as i would never change my name.

I've travelled with DS by myself no problem. Also though he has travelled with his parental grandmother by himself with no issues. As he shares surnames basically with all his close relatives travelling with them is simple.

Our son has both our surnames (mine first, no hyphen). It sounds quite clunky tbh but was the only solution we could both agree on. I’m really happy that I share my name with my child, as is my partner. It’s early days for us but no problems so far.

We are in the UK but this is the normal way of naming in Portugal apparently, where everyone has two surnames, mothers name first, no hyphen. Spain is the same but with the father’s surname first.

Re: quadruple naming if the next generation have children. As Bertrand says above “No idea, it’s up to them”.

Maybe they’ll just pick the name/s they like the best or have the most meaning to them. Maybe they’ll decide to pick another name entirely for the whole family. This is allowed and would have been my first choice but DP felt strongly about keeping his surname*

*They always do

Give them your name. No compromise. When and if you get married you can change all your names over if you wish.

If you split up before you marry .. You will be glad you did!

I think that the trouble with waiting for a proposal is that you are still buying into the idea that it is somehow the man's decision when and where to propose. He holds the power still. Also though it is pressure to put on him. As parents to twins you aren't likely to be dashing up the Eiffel tower anytime too soon.

I agree with @shouldistayorshouldigo .

Have a grown up discussion about it.

My sis regrets not giving her son her name. Shes still together with the dad and unmarried but she’s now come to the conclusion she probably should have got married before son was born (he’s now 8) and she’s stuck forever saying yes he’s mine, due to his diff surname.
Is mainly things like at school collecting him from events etc but perhaps that’s because he doesn’t bear much resemblance to her.
I changed my name on all docs except passport as prefer working in maiden name and dd has dh name. Never had a problem travelling but take a letter anyway if not with dh. If I wasn’t married I personally would have given dd my name. If we got married I’d have changed it then subject to it not causing dd too much disruption if she was a lot older.

But when someone says 'oh we could get married' then what do you say to that?

What about.... “Yes, that’s a great idea... we know we’re both fully committed to each other, and with the twins coming it would be good to make that official! Let’s look at possible dates...” I don’t see what the problem is.

You’ve been together 10 years and have twins coming ffs.... Waiting patiently and expectantly year after year for some grand proposal is as demeaning as it is irresponsible, and will weaken your relationship (possibly severely), not strengthen it.

If he’s committed enough to you and the twins to want to insist they take his surname, he should be committed enough to marry.

I think that the trouble with waiting for a proposal is that you are still buying into the idea that it is somehow the man's decision when and where to propose. He holds the power still

Reading between the lines he seems the dominant one in your relationship, while you subserviently just suck it up.

He won’t commit to marriage, leaving you vulnerable with twins coming, and you seem so in thrall to him you won’t push the idea of marriage.... and yet he is demanding your children take his surname as a display of ownership and control.

I would give the twins your own surname. If your dp won't marry you, he has no right to expect that your children should have his name.

If you do marry, the children can change their names if / when you do.

If I had DC whilst unmarried, no way would they be having my partner's surname!