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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

To be concerned about legal implications of different surnames

83 replies

maltesers99 · 21/09/2018 22:12

Hi!

Having recently had twins I have been considering the implications of being unmarried. I have read a lot on here (long time lurker, first time poster!) about this and find myself in this position. We have a great relationship and are very happy etc. DP wants them to have his surname which i understand but i am worried about not having the same name as my children and also concerned about any legal implications now and in the future. Does it affect any parental rights?

One solution for now is to double barrel our name although i am not sure he would be keen. AIBU to insist it is for now? We have vaguely discussed marriage but we were/are both quite young at heart and for a long time saw marriage as quite old fashioned/too grown up (that sounds silly now in a way). We have been together a long time 10+ years and feel secure (share deeds on house etc) but having children has triggered a feeling of wanting to protect them and me - and ensure we all a unit. How do i best approach this? Any advice? thanks!

OP posts:

HoobleDooble · 21/09/2018 23:02

Twllbach you could always do as a friend of mine did and change your surname to his by deed poll. She was positive that her DP would never marry her and wanted to have the same surname as her sons. They're actually engaged now.

herethereandeverywhere · 21/09/2018 23:04

There are 2 issues here:

Marriage and commitment: are you both happy with the status quo? do you feel secure? Do you understand the legal implications of not being married if your partner dies/leaves and are you ok with that? Have you considered putting other legal paperwork in place to ensure you have parity of financial security with a married woman?

Kids surnames: Others have already said this has no bearing on parental rights and responsibilities. You need to be comfortable with the situation at 1. above if you want to agree to his 'want' of the kids getting his name. From personal experience my kids and I have different surnames, eldest is 9, we travel and currently live abroad, it is not an issue - I am married to their father, just for complete disclosure.

genivert · 21/09/2018 23:11

Op as others have said, you're massively confusing naming of children & parenting (legal) rights. The latter are serious, long lasting protections for both you and DP depending on which aspects you're talking about (birth certificate naming, next of kin, being able to travel easily without having to carry a permission document that explains naming, and so on).
I would insist on DC having your name or (ideally) double barrel unless your DP will be a SAHD who is the primary school contact, gp appointments, dentist etc.

TittyGolightly · 21/09/2018 23:12

I do get a little enraged (first world problem) when I'm automatically called Mrs XXXX. My husband finds this great of course 😂

I didn’t change my name when we married and I booked our honeymoon. 2 weeks of being called Mr Golightly has ensured a lifetime of DH’s support for my decision.

genivert · 21/09/2018 23:12

I would also get married asap. Doesn't have to be a wedding but get the legal protection in place for both of you (next of kin).

elQuintoConyo · 21/09/2018 23:17

Children should have their father's surname, then you change yours to his once he decides to marry you. Because it's tradition.*

Or you could double-barrell for fairness, yours first.

or 'twaddle' as i refer to it.

Singletomingle · 21/09/2018 23:22

As a father I've found not having the same name as my children difficult. I feel constantly under suspicion and have been questioned more than once.

Creeper8 · 21/09/2018 23:26

All my children have my surname. Wouldnt have it any other way.

Starlight345 · 21/09/2018 23:30

Babies would always have mums name .

If he wants babies to have his surname should marry you.

BertrandRussell · 21/09/2018 23:31

Hyphenate. Sorted. It's nothing to do with marriage or parental rights. It's to do with women not giving up the name they've had all their lives because of some outdated patriarchal bullshit.

Singletomingle · 21/09/2018 23:46

Creeper8 are you married? BertrandRussell what happens when children with double barrelled names marry, whos do they drop, different for male/female or do they go quad-barrelled

BertrandRussell · 21/09/2018 23:48

"BertrandRussell what happens when children with double barrelled names marry, whos do they drop, different for male/female or do they go quad-barrelled"
No idea. It's up to them.

Creeper8 · 21/09/2018 23:52

No. ex wanted the kids to have his surname but I wouldnt have even considered it tbh.

LellyMcKelly · 21/09/2018 23:53

Pick the nicest surname and call them that.

TittyGolightly · 21/09/2018 23:53

It's to do with women not giving up the name they've had all their lives because of some outdated patriarchal bullshit.
This!

Bosabosa · 21/09/2018 23:57

Child’s name double barrelled (mine first as sounded better),
I have kept my name.

When she is older if she marries,
I would assume she would give oher kids one part of her surname to go with hubby’s name and double barrel that way. Whole load of assumptions there re whether she would marry or want kids etc but if she does, that is what I assume.

Hoping she would keep her own name if she married.

MMmomDD · 21/09/2018 23:59

OP - it’s not about names for the babies....
Unless you are both independently wealthy OR are both planning to continue working full time and share responsibilities 50/50, and no one is making sacrifices in their career - going forward - which with twins seems to be highly unlikely - the partner who takes on more childcare responsibilities/sacrifices career-wise - needs the protection of marriage.

No one ever expects that anything would go wrong. Many, many women start their posts - I never thought, etc...
Marriage protects the more vulnerable party in the relationship, and the children.
Not that you became grown ups - and as parents you are - by definition, you need to think like adults.
It’s not about whose names are in the birth certificates. That bit isn’t as important.

Singletomingle · 22/09/2018 00:01

I like LellyMcKelly and BertrandRussell ideas though in terms of children's surnames TittyGolightly you could exchange patriarchy for matriarchy.

PersianCatLady · 22/09/2018 00:05

Rather than worry about matching surnames, I would worry about the legal implications of being unmarried for you and your children if the worst should happen.

Unless of course you have already taken care of the legalities by making wills and the like.

7toGo · 22/09/2018 00:06

Why won’t he marry you?

brokenharbour · 22/09/2018 00:07

There are no legal implications. I have no idea why it should matter whether you take them to appointments or not (clue: it doesn't.)

Never had an issue with having a different surname to my daughter and she's nearly 4. It's v common these days obviously.

7toGo · 22/09/2018 00:09

Children should have their father's surname, then you change yours to his once he decides to marry you. Because it's tradition.

There is literally nothing traditional about this! 😂

BertrandRussell · 22/09/2018 00:12

"Pick the nicest surname and call them that."

It will be the man's. It always is.

TittyGolightly · 22/09/2018 00:13

TittyGolightly you could exchange patriarchy for matriarchy.

Sign me up. It’s about time.

Churchillian · 22/09/2018 00:30

We both already have 2 surnames each, I didn’t change my surname when we got married and we gave kids one surname each. So i’m Smith-Jones, DH is Brown Green kids are Smith Green for example. (Not our real names!) We didn’t hyphenate so in future they could drop one surname if they wanted. Hasn’t caused us any issues yet and it’s easy to correct people if they get it wrong. I always think of Iceland where children take the fathers name and add dottir/son so all family members could potentially have a different surname and this doesn’t seem to cause any issues?

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