To keep him off school when he's totally fine?

[TheVeryHungryDieter]

DS's school has just announced they are doing a grandparents day event. The children will be welcoming their grandparents to school and giving tours of their classrooms and the school will do tea/coffee and the children can spend time with people close to them. Parents are not invited and as it's a local school (for local people!) there are so many grandparents interested they'll have to issue tickets. Close family friends in a grandparent-style role may come if a grandparent isn't available.

DS has four living grandparents, which is lucky. BUT.

My mum is carer for my dad with cancer. They live in Ireland.

DH's dad is carer for his mum with dementia. They also live in Ireland.

None of them can travel and we keep up relationships by being the ones who do all the shuttling back and forth.

We have no close family friends here that DS would know. We both work. Most of our close friendships fell away when we had children, as the first of the group to do so. Most of our friends now are other parents or colleagues, but again not people DS would know well or at all.

There is no one available for DS. And the kicker is, it's happening on his birthday.

He's turning 6. He's going to ask me why all his friends grandparents came and his didn't, because he's nearly 6, the school is making a big deal of it and it will be very obvious. We're one of the very few couples here where neither of us is British, so most kids have someone on at least one side.

I'm thinking of keeping him off school and doing something fun for his birthday instead. Is it a daft idea? Should I speak to the teacher? am I being pfb about my pfb?

I would speak to the teacher and ask if you can go instead (with LO).

*NB: haven't read all thread I bet someone else suggested this

You could send him in with the customary bags of sweets to give out for his birthday.
BUT, kids without any grandparents present get double sweetie bags.

Tell the school your difficulties and ask how they plan to make it equally enjoyable for those whose gps cannot be there (there will be many without due to illness, death, working, caring, being estranged or unknown). Maybe he could take photos in or the school could arrange visitors they can share time with.

Keep him off definitely and I would never normally say that. Please if there are any teachers reading this don't let it happen in your school - it's just awful!

I would keep him off tbh, it’s one day, he’s 5 - his education isn’t going to suffer for the sake of one day and doing something fun with mum for his birthday will be something he remembers. Yes kids do need to learn resilience, they also need to know that it’s ok that some things feel too difficult, that they don’t need to cope with everything all the time, that it’s ok to take yourself out of a situation when the need arises.

My 5 year old would find that kind of day very hard going and would definitely feel the impact of his grandparents not being there when everyone else’s were (whether they all were or not, it would feel like they were). My 7 year old wouldn’t bat an eye lid - different children, different temperaments - but there are other things she finds very hard to cope with and yes, I do try to shield her from these where possible while building resilience in other areas of her life.

I want my kids to know they sometimes needs to do things that are difficult or unpleasant, that sometimes they will feel like the odd one out and that’s ok, I also want them to know it’s ok to put their own needs first, to know they don’t need to tackle every single challenge head on and to know when it’s ok to give themselves a bit of wiggle room.

Grandparents day when you’re 5 is one of those I think deserves a bit of wiggle room.

Would the people who say keep him off. Keep their child off if they couldn't attend a class assembly or workshop.
My child school has a parent work shop every half term as a working parent I cannot attend everyone of these. Each one there is at least half the class with no parent there. The other parents get Involved with all the children so no one is left out.

You shouldn’t go in, that’s not right or fair to other kids. He’s got to learn that not everyone can do things and if he has an issue with going to school, just take the day off. Not a big deal.

It sounds to me as though you feel sad about not having any grandparents around and you are projecting your sadness onto your son.

He will have no expectation of having a grandparent show up as he knows they are far away, as will be the case for many children.

My children have never had grandparents and it's just the way it is. Never occurs to us to get sad about it.

So I think it's more about your feelings than what sort of experience your boy will have.

My nieces and nephew don't have a 'mum and dad' unfortunately, they have to just get over it they can't have a day of every time they invite 'mums and dads' in?

The last one those without a grandparent were told that they had to wait until the end of lunchtime because those with grandparents went in first. Way to make the child feel ostracized. Other children were boasting about how many grandparents they had. Headteacher claimed they had no way of knowing that it might be a sensitive issue for my dc. I would have thought signing the letter to authorise absence for funeral would be a clue.

Next time going to send a friend, some of the grandparents were younger than me so it is not totally unreasonable. I would just say to the school that under the circumstances they need to let you/ friend come or just take him out, not because it is his birthday but because the school needs to think these things through more carefully.

Hi, I've only read the first page but could you just turn up to have the grandparents day with him? I doubt they would turn you away. If they made a fuss you could take your ds home?

I think the school should be open to someone being there for the child being more of a priority then it being a grandparent.

Oh and her friend had arranged for her grandparents to 'adopt' her for the day but they were told that they weren't allowed to and she wasn't allowed to go with them. Fortunately she is a forthright child and managed to persuade the lunchtime assistants to let her and the few others without grandparents to let them in early despite the rules

Opinions seem pretty 50:50, so your DS could fall into either camp.

Ask him what he'd prefer and go with that.

My dc have lost their grandparents, a day like this would be very hard for them. I am amazed the school think this is a good idea. At least two of our friends have just lost parents.

I would take my child out for the day somewhere fun and enjoyable and not give it another thought. It is one day and not worth upsetting your child over. If you bring it up with the teacher then they probably can not offer a solution at this stage and will know why you didn't send your son in that day for school (and may feel compromised)

I am with you day off!

This kind of day can inspire competitive parenting in a different way I am not sure why you would want to encourage it as a school. What if you have two sets of 'grandparents' on either side because you are a blended family or have none. Bad idea all round.

Why couldn't schools just do a grown ups day and let the parents choose a grown up to go in. Parent / friend / grand parent whoever.

I lost my dad in January and it would be very traumatic for my dc if they did that. Other kids have also lost grandparents this year that I know of, surely illness and death is pretty common as many grandparents might be old! But anyway they wouldn't do a grand parents day in our school as they are sensitive and have some common sense.

I would do whatever you think best, keep him off or go in yourself.

Absolutely keep him off! Take him out somewhere for a treat :) get him birthday cake and give him a fabulous day! Missing one day of school won't harm him!

I think I'll speak to the teacher and then to DS.

He had 100% attendance last year and I don't take it lightly.

GP day is going to be in the afternoon for the infant school.

If the teacher doesn't have a plan for kids who don't have someone, and if I can't bring DD, I might send him in as usual but collect him early and take him out for a special birthday lunch!

I don't think he'd be distraught on the day, that's not like him (although he does surprise me with unexpected sensitivities so it's not out of the bounds of possibility) - but I would be hearing about "nobody came for me and it was my BIRTHDAY" for months afterward even though he knows they couldn't.

Whoever mentioned parent assemblies, I do hear about all the other mummies doing forest school, and school trips, and assemblies while I'm at work! Our school has a great local community and parents are heavily involved. Obviously we just get on with that and he knows I can't, but we are isolated here and this is just one more thing we can't take part in...

I don't think he'd be distraught on the day, that's not like him (although he does surprise me with unexpected sensitivities so it's not out of the bounds of possibility)

To be honest I wouldn't have thought dd would care but for her it was the injustice of the way they were treated as secondclass citizens. It does partly depend how they are treated. She also wasn't impressed that she had to sit nicely in class so there were children there for the grandparents to look at on their tour. Ds is more sensitive, he will have someone with him.

You honestly think the teacher won't have made plans for those without grandparents? Sometimes I wonder if some people have any idea what school is actually like!

If your child is likely to go on about something like this for months afterwards then that says a lot about the way you are bringing him up! Teach him to get on with it. I doubt all the other mummies are doing forest school and school trips- it will be a minority that don't work!

School won't authorise absence for this- it will likely be classed as an unauthorised holiday.

Why would I have any idea what school is actually like?

I'm not the one going in, I don't even do pickups (because work), the school haven't done this before, I'm not a teacher, this is my first child who is 5 and I didn't even go to school in this country.

I think you need to realise that no, a lot of parents don't have much idea about what goes on in a school and that's not unusual. A bit more explanation from the school would be welcome.

My puzzlement here, with the school, is that they think every child’s grandparents are in that short stage of life where they are already retired but not in ill-health.

This would have been lovely for me at 6. My GM picked me up. Even still, when we did a project on grandparents (in year 1 on fact) we realised that my grandparents were some of the youngest in the class (in their 50s); some people in my class had dads in their 50s and many had grandparents who were frail or passed away.

Whether to keep him off, that’s your choice. Could you Skype the grandparents over breakfast and then he can tell them all about and vice versa?

I would take it as it comes on the morning.

Teachers don't leave children for whole afternoons without any activities to do.

I doubt they expect everyone's Gps to turn up as they wouldn't have room. My school have asked for a reply to the invitation so they can gauge how many will be visiting. We certainly don't expect them all to be able to. Provision will obviously be made for those without GPs on the day. Mountains out of molehills springs to mind.