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AIBU?

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Original poster

To keep him off school when he's totally fine?

137 replies

TheVeryHungryDieter · 21/09/2018 11:12

DS's school has just announced they are doing a grandparents day event. The children will be welcoming their grandparents to school and giving tours of their classrooms and the school will do tea/coffee and the children can spend time with people close to them. Parents are not invited and as it's a local school (for local people!) there are so many grandparents interested they'll have to issue tickets. Close family friends in a grandparent-style role may come if a grandparent isn't available.

DS has four living grandparents, which is lucky. BUT.

My mum is carer for my dad with cancer. They live in Ireland.

DH's dad is carer for his mum with dementia. They also live in Ireland.

None of them can travel and we keep up relationships by being the ones who do all the shuttling back and forth.

We have no close family friends here that DS would know. We both work. Most of our close friendships fell away when we had children, as the first of the group to do so. Most of our friends now are other parents or colleagues, but again not people DS would know well or at all.

There is no one available for DS. And the kicker is, it's happening on his birthday.

He's turning 6. He's going to ask me why all his friends grandparents came and his didn't, because he's nearly 6, the school is making a big deal of it and it will be very obvious. We're one of the very few couples here where neither of us is British, so most kids have someone on at least one side.

I'm thinking of keeping him off school and doing something fun for his birthday instead. Is it a daft idea? Should I speak to the teacher? am I being pfb about my pfb?

OP posts:
youlethergo · 21/09/2018 12:36

I'd keep him off.

Schools should realise these days are a dreadful idea. My DH has had to step in for a fatherless child. The worry it caused the child beforehand was awful, as if they don't have to suffer enough. There's always the possibility that you won't find a substitute and then the awkwardness of having to ask and bring someone who isn't a real dad. Horrible. People forget there are many children grieving grandparents for whom this is rubbing salt in the wound. We wouldn't have bring your partner to work day, partly because not everyone has one and how are they supposed to feel?

Chipshopninja · 21/09/2018 12:37

100% keep him off.

Normal day explain to him etc, just one of those things.

But on his birthday if there's a chance he will be upset or feel left out then nah, keep him off and have a special day just the two of you

WindDoesNotBreakTheBendyTree · 21/09/2018 12:37

Why do schools do this kind of stuff? It makes me think the people in charge are sometimes a bit thick tbh.

I'd make no bones of telling them how excluding it is and ask how children with no living grandparents/working grandparents/ill grandparents/grandparents living far away are to participate and enjoy the day. I hope - and tbh would expect - that they have a plan. I'd base my decision on that.

youlethergo · 21/09/2018 12:38

ambostraw

Parents can choose to fulfil the requirements that their child be educated however they wish. This is clearly not a part of the national curriculum and parents are not even legally required to follow the national curriculum. If you think your child will suffer emotional distress as a result of a topic covered in school, or if it conflicts with the values you're teaching at home, there is no reason to send them in like a little robot out of 1984.

ilovesooty · 21/09/2018 12:38

Perhaps the school shouldn't have organised it but it's ridiculous imo to keep a child off school for it just because the grandparents aren't able to attend. And I think it conveys an even poorer message if it's the child's birthday.

CottonSock · 21/09/2018 12:38

I would be telling the school it's too specific and therefore a silly idea

ambostraw · 21/09/2018 12:42

If you think your child will suffer emotional distress as a result of a topic covered in school, or if it conflicts with the values you're teaching at home, there is no reason to send them in like a little robot out of 1984.

Emotional distress? Because they are one of fuckingloads many children who don't have a grandparent show up Hmm

You are funny.

SoupDragon · 21/09/2018 12:42

I bet they’ve been doing this for years and know how to deal with children who do not have grandparents who can visit. I also bet that a parent complains vociferously every single year.

Weenurse · 21/09/2018 12:42

Mine had an auntie who lived locally step n for grandparents. Her friend asked if they could share as she had no local grandparents either.
Made Auntie feel very loved and children feel great full for family.

BuntyII · 21/09/2018 12:44

I would keep him off.

PeonyTruffle · 21/09/2018 12:44

I would 100% keep him off and have a lovely day with him

Sweettoothfairy · 21/09/2018 12:46

My DS school did something similar only it was write a story/bring a photo of your Grandparent and then they could come in and look around/read story.
My DS last GP had died the year before so he just brought/wrote a story about his favourite Aunt, explaining in the story he had no GPs.
She was working and couldn’t get time off so me and his dad went instead. Didn’t care whether we’d been invited or not.
You say parents aren’t invited but I’d just ignore this and turn up myself and make a big deal out of your child showing you round the school.
I can’t see them turning you away at the door.
It’s all about making your child feel special.
Your DC knows the GPs situation and why they can’t be there and if you ‘big up’ the visit and say how much you’ve looking forward to seeing their classroom, where they sit/have lunch, do PE ect then they will probably be happy enough.
Hope all goes well whatever you do.

PorkFlute · 21/09/2018 12:50

I’d find out what the plan is for people without gps and if you think he’ll be ok with it send him in and plan a birthday treat for after school.
It does seem a shit thing for the school to organise though. Surely they must know that many grandparents may be in other countries, ill or dead so the strict no parents as replacements rule would be what would irk me.

Prawnofthepatriarchy · 21/09/2018 12:52

These family celebration things are always divisive. My DH died when our DC were at primary school so Father's Day was crap for them. There were three kids at the same school whose mother had died.

Every time schools celebrate a certain family relationship they potentially exclude and may really upset a few kids.

I recommend you ignore it - not every child has a dad, not every child has grandparents.

I'd send him to school and be ready with photos and stories of his GPs in Ireland.

bookmum08 · 21/09/2018 12:55

Print some photos of the Grandparents and stick them on a A4 piece of card with their names and the name your son calls them by (Granny, Nanna etc). On another piece of A4 draw a simple map of Ireland with where they live marked on. Tell your son to show these if people ask and say they live in Ireland which is another country. Get him to say when you/visit you have to travel by plane or ferry. To 6 year olds that is 'wow exciting'. If his birthday cards have arrived he could take the envelopes to show the different stamps - again random things that are interesting to 6 year olds. Maybe he could take a small amount of Irish coins.

CookPassBabtridge · 21/09/2018 12:58

Why do they do this... My parents adore my kids but wouldn't come to something like this plus live a bit away. DPs parents abroad. People are having kids later so more chance of dead grandparents. Hopefully there will be a good few kids witth no-one there as well.

Fresta · 21/09/2018 12:58

The school I work in are running a similar event. It's not for a whole day though, just an afternoon. We have acknowledged that there will be quite a few children who won't have a grandparent there on the day- why the big fuss? Do you really think the children without grandparents are going to be made to sit there doing nothing and feeling dejected? Surely the school will run suitable activities that everyone can join in with or have a teaching staff and TAs working with those without grandparents? Schools can't do right for doing wrong! Get a grip!

LikeARedBalloon · 21/09/2018 13:05

You said in your OP that you work, but if he has the day off then who will look after him??
If you can take the day off work so that he can miss the grandparent day then surely you could also take the day off (or part of it) to attend instead??
I just used to send my DD in anyway - there were plenty of other children who didn't have people coming in. That's just the way life is!

youlethergo · 21/09/2018 13:06

ambostraw

My DS grieves for his granny. He looks at other children with their grandparents and says 'I wish I could go to heaven and see Nana'.

You think it would not be emotionally distressing for him to go to a day like this?

Grow the fuck up.

MissSingerbrains · 21/09/2018 13:06

I get where you’re coming from, OP. If this was an older child, it would be easier, but a tiny 5-yr-old could get upset in a situation like this. It doesn’t make anyone a snowflake, FFS PP!

Some areas are very family-focused and a huge number of kids at school have huge families living nearby (we live in one of this areas and it’s hard when we ourselves don’t have family here!)

I’d speak to the school about it and either turn up myself (especially as you’re off that day anyway) - I’m sure he’ll love showing you around and won’t care that you’re not the grandparent - or keep him off and do something fun.

Findingdotty · 21/09/2018 13:12

He won't be the only child without GPs at the event. However I would contact the teacher directly and ask exactly what the plans are for the day and ask how the child without visitors during the day are going to be included and what measures are in place to look after those children and ensure they have a good and productive day.

MrsSarahSiddons · 21/09/2018 13:17

Why do schools do this sort of thing? so insensitive.

BrendasUmbrella · 21/09/2018 13:19

Keep him off and treat him. It's not like they'll be doing anything on that day that he can't miss.

ambostraw · 21/09/2018 13:20

My DS grieves for his granny. He looks at other children with their grandparents and says 'I wish I could go to heaven and see Nana'.

You think it would not be emotionally distressing for him to go to a day like this?

I never said that. In fact I never said anything about children who were grieving.

Grow the fuck up.

Perhaps you should do that. Just because I posted my opinion about a specific situation doesn't mean I'm not open to the idea that there are various circumstances and each case is individual.

My response was based solely on the OP and the posters who agreed, based on her information, that HER DC should be kept off.

Thesnobbymiddleclassone · 21/09/2018 13:25

Send him to school. He'll still enjoy the day and there will be other kids who Grandparents live far away or who have unfortunately died.

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