To keep him off school when he's totally fine?

[TheVeryHungryDieter]

DS's school has just announced they are doing a grandparents day event. The children will be welcoming their grandparents to school and giving tours of their classrooms and the school will do tea/coffee and the children can spend time with people close to them. Parents are not invited and as it's a local school (for local people!) there are so many grandparents interested they'll have to issue tickets. Close family friends in a grandparent-style role may come if a grandparent isn't available.

DS has four living grandparents, which is lucky. BUT.

My mum is carer for my dad with cancer. They live in Ireland.

DH's dad is carer for his mum with dementia. They also live in Ireland.

None of them can travel and we keep up relationships by being the ones who do all the shuttling back and forth.

We have no close family friends here that DS would know. We both work. Most of our close friendships fell away when we had children, as the first of the group to do so. Most of our friends now are other parents or colleagues, but again not people DS would know well or at all.

There is no one available for DS. And the kicker is, it's happening on his birthday.

He's turning 6. He's going to ask me why all his friends grandparents came and his didn't, because he's nearly 6, the school is making a big deal of it and it will be very obvious. We're one of the very few couples here where neither of us is British, so most kids have someone on at least one side.

I'm thinking of keeping him off school and doing something fun for his birthday instead. Is it a daft idea? Should I speak to the teacher? am I being pfb about my pfb?

I think that @bookmum08 has the PERFECT solution

It makes it the best of both worlds

I don't think you should keep him of personally? It won't be a full day of it surely? Plus there will be other dc without a grandparent I'm sure!

Based on the school I work in, it will be the grandparents who do normal pickups, those who live close by and those strong-armed into it by the parents. Probably 30%. It's a lovely community idea and it's up to parents to prep their child if they think it might be a problem and not descend into a hand-wringing wail of how their child won't cope. It does nobody any favours and makes the teaching of resilience that much harder! In special cases, yes, go in and explain the child's circumstances and put your mind at rest. Teachers are parents too you know! These events are not organised to get people's backs up and upset children on purpose, one of the first things thought of in this event will be safeguarding and activities for children without adults.

*When I was at school I was the only child of a single parent (it was a long time ago)
I was PAINFULLY aware of it on days where dads turned up *

My son is in his year at school now :-(

His nursery used to do father's day tea's and I hated it. I always took a days holiday so he didn't have to go.

teach your children strategies to deal with things they find upsetting, not hide from them and avoid them.

Thanks all, a really interesting mix of opinions to consider.

I might ask his teacher if I can go in myself. I'll have 3yo DD and no one to mind her (hence being off work that day) so she'd have to come too, though he would be thrilled to see her.

To whoever asked, no he doesn't really grasp that grandparents aren't very well. He knows that granny asks some questions he's already answered, and knows that DH's side of the family doesn't visit us. But he sees my parents on FaceTime so they have lots of contact in that sense and that way it wasn't so bad when my dad had chemo and we couldn't go home for about nine months until he'd recovered enough to tolerate germ factories the DC. DH's parents aren't great with technology and don't have decent internet.

We don't know any local old people. Or even local people. Kinda hard to meet many when we are out of the house 7:20-6:30 to get to work and childcare/school, and weekends are for activities/birthday parties etc.

I probably am being a bit of a snowflake about it. Granny's diagnosis of dementia is relatively recent and she's a wonderful woman. I love her dearly, so it hurts a lot. My own grandmother died of Alzheimer's and I remember well what an awful way it was to go. It's something that pains me and it's very likely I'm projecting that onto DS.

We're in an area that is very white and English so it does seem like there won't be many without grandparents, but like the PP whose parents wouldn't be bothered I suppose I never should assume other people's relationships will be such that they would automatically do it. And that's been very helpful, thank you.

FWIW DH thinks I'm "a wuss". My friend is a teacher, and she is saying "keep him off!" so it really does seem to divide the room...

We had this. Only two grandparents one of which was dying from cancer and the other was looking after him. Very traumatic time. My husband went in and brazened it out. Not one challenged and they all had a great day. So do that or just send him in as there will be kids without one. They have repeated this day but now allow significant others so some schools do listen and learn.

Definitely keep him off!!

When I was 5 all of my grandparents were dead. This would have made me feel sad. I would keep my child off OP.

I do teach my children ways of coping with things she finds upsetting. A situation about the very thing he is sad about (and has been for years) would not be helpful to that process. It would be too much. Part of teaching strategies is to know when something is too much.

I totally get the posts about using this to teach resilience - and I do think that's an important thing to do. But also sometimes a parent wants to scoop up a child and protect them, and as long as it's not happening all the time, I see nothing wrong with that. It's one of the reasons your dc know you have their back.

I never had gp all died before I was born. I used to get so sad I didn’t have these extra people in my life especially as a young dc watching my friends be collected with treats everyday etc. It really made me feel different and I’m no snowflake. I would have dreaded a day like this. I remember being asked in high school to interview my grandparents and write an article. Everyone else was happy to buy as I didn’t have grandparents I just made up the entire article instead of saying I don’t have any as I just hated this.

I would keep my dc off and if every other dc without them parents did the same they’d have to rethink these silly enforced nonsense days.
It’s all very well saying if you were a grandp you’d make an effort to speak to other dc but other dc know full we some dc have more family and some dc less, doesn’t need to be rubbed in their face with a day like this.

I’d send him in and make photos with names/map of Ireland suggestions like PP said, so he can tell people about all his grandparents, also, could your Mum ‘attend’ via FaceTime? So he goes in as normal for most of the day, but you arrange with the school for the bit where the children give their GPs tours, you turn up with Granny on the iPad (and little sister in tow) for her tour? Then he’ll have the coolest granny around as well . Couple that with him bringing cake to share with everyone for his birthday and it’ll be special enough.

Agree that these novelty days are a stupid idea. What's the point of it? All it's going to teach the children with no GPs is that they're missing something that other children have. Harsh of the school in my opinion. I would ring the school and put them on the spot, asking what provision will be made for those kids with no one to bring.

Dh always went in for father’s day. Not all fathers did although most children at dds school have fathers around. Dh was allocated another child or two to talk to. Dh is kind and engaging so he listened to the other children and made them feel special too. Not all people are like this I’m sure but your ds may get something nice out of the day.

I think the idea of bringing in photos, stamps, coins and giving a little presentation is lovely. As you’re off work, you could have a very quick word with the teacher to say what you’ve done or pass on a note.

That said, your ds is only 6. You’re off work. My friend has always kept her ds off school on his birthday. I don’t agree with always doing it. But as a one off, why not? You know your ds and you know how sensitive he is or how likely he is to brush it off.

At age 6 I don’t th No it really matters. He certainly won’t be the only kid their without any grandparents, and it’s an opportunity for him to see how other families work. At the same time, they aren’t going to be covering huge, unmissable bits of the curriculum.

I would only keep hm off if there was something I could do with him that would be really worthwhile doing midweek in termtime, so he was getting something specific out of it. In general I don’t think copping out when the going gets a little tougher is a great message to send a kid who generally has it pretty good.

I wouldn’t keep him off but I like the previous suggestion of you going instead in grandma’s place.

If schools insist on coming up with daft ideas then I can’t see any reason not to adapt it. Why present one type of family set up as the prevailing type when they know full well that a fair number of the dc don’t live that way and for lots of reasons, some of them difficult to talk about? What does anyone actually learn from it ?

Id keep him off and id tell them why.

Im not against stuff like grandparents days etc. I think its nice, but some kids will be more upset than others and i think school will understand if you think he would be upset by it

All it's going to teach the children with no GPs is that they're missing something that other children have

You could say that about many things. EG all games lessons at school taught me was that I had no skills and other children did.

I bet if he went in with a big birthday 'I am 6' badge on, he would have many GPs take a fuss of him. I am also sure school won't mind if you go in. I assume they say no parents to limit numbers.

I agree that it doesn’t serve children well ultimately to think that just going sick to avoid things is a solution.

I never kept mine off for that reason. However when schools bang on about attendance being crucial so as not to miss out on learning then fill up days with stuff like this, I can see why parents consider it.

There are lots of advantages to a day like this, both for the school, the children, the grandparents and the community:
It strengthens the bond between the children and their grandparents,
It teaches the children that older people are a valuable asset both to them and their community,
It makes the grandparents feel valued,
It raises the profile of the school within the community,
It may generate some grandparents to provide voluntary services to the school,
It will educate grandparents in ways they can support their grandchildren's learning,

etc.

It would be a shame to miss out on this opportunity for the sake of a few children who don't have a grandparent. Those without grandparents will be in a tiny minority- it would be unusual for all four to them to be dead while a child is still in primary- in this case it would be understandable if a child felt quite sad. But in my opinion, if the child's grandparents are just not able to attend because they are busy, live far away etc. then the child needs teaching how to handle this, not be kept off for the day. Parents project too much onto their children- the kid is likely to just get on with whatever the teacher's have planned for the day- not spend the day analysing why his grandparents couldn't come and feeling sorry for himself.

I can't believe so many people are saying keep your child off.
It will be for an hour out of the school day.
Not everyone will have a grandparent there, my son only has 2 living grandparents one has dementia and the other lives 250 miles away. His school did this only about 6 children from the class of 28 had grandparents who attended. My son had a great time joining in and no one was left out.
You are making a bigger deal than what is needed about it.

I don't see why you would be feeling sorry for him birthday or no birthday. He can understand that his grandparents aren't available to go to school and definitely won't be the only one whose GPs aren't local and have nothing else to do in their own lives.
It's one of those annoying things that happen in schools like dressing up as book characters, making cakes midweek etc that isn't convenient for everyone.
Not a reason to stay off school in my universe.

Definitely not. I think you are BU. Lots of children won't have grandparents there, won't know their grandparents etc.