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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Wedding drama, any advice

143 replies

Andreamarie · 21/09/2018 11:01

So this is my first time ever posting anything online but my head is about to explode. Getting married next week and it's been a disaster with one of my bridesmaids who is my future sister in law, and my future mil. So a quick background, his mam is extremely controlling and pass remarkable,when my daughter was born i was breastfeeding she'd feed her formula any monetary gifts sent to my children on his side she took the cheques and cashed them in her employment and I was never told, only found out by finding texts on his phone, a substantial cheque was sent for the wedding which I told my partner to lodge himself, when she found out she rang demanding the cheque be given to her, I could keep going but we had a family bbq in June and she basically just tore into my whole family, my parents my siblings my brothers partner my partner and myself it was horrendous the things she said and in front of my kids and I'm not lying when I say nobody has ever said or done anything to this woman for her to behave the way she did. So two weeks ago my maid of honour done a timetable for the morning of the wedding and sent it to everyone, and future sisin law I kid you not wrote back that I should go first for hair and makeup so HER mam can get ready, so maid of honour told her it's not possible and the bride shouldn't be rushed to accommodate her mam and she responded with well she's not being left out it's HER son's wedding and she will be there to get her hair and makeup done as the hair and makeup girls are friends of hers and that's it, so MIL was expecting after attacking my whole family and I to rock up and use my hair and makeup people, so I contacted her myself and told her that given her mams behaviour it's not appropriate that she is here with the bridal party the morning of the wedding but to keep you two happy you keep the hair and makeup people ill try and find someone 3 weeks before my wedding to which she replied that's fine at least we're sorted then!!! The girl has done nothing but cause stress the whole way through everything she offered to do she done nothing and I mean nothing ignored texts etc, even down to jewellery I sent prices etc shops that had what I thought would be nice and she rang her brother my partner claiming she was never informed and that I'm trying to cause problems! When we put up about hats etc no-one is to wear a massive hat she actually recorded herself giving out about it and put it in the WhatsApp group for the wedding! Even though it's there in black and white! Not to mention she owes the other two bridesmaid money from the hen party and she's blanking them as well.and to top it off she's told me she'll be telling the photographer what to do to ensure he gets great pictures of HER!!!.
So do I tell her to step down or just go through for peace sake and cut ties after the wedding?

OP posts:
FaveNumberIs2 · 23/09/2018 09:33

Seriously, I would call off the wedding. Then I’d move away, and give dp a choice. Stay there or come with me.

I’m not usually one to rock the boat, but after going through what I went through, I ditched my family 11 years ago. Best thing I ever did.

GreenTulips · 23/09/2018 09:48

I think you need a serious chat about this to your DP

He needs to step up and be objective.

I'd also postpone the wedding for now and SIL wouldn't be a bridesmaid .... she's not on your team is she?

magoria · 23/09/2018 09:56

You have been warned.

If you go ahead with this wedding you will have years of this until you crack and divorce.

Your Oh has not backed you up and is now actively blaming you.

It will not get better.

Postpone the wedding until you and your OH have sorted this out.

SusanneLinder · 23/09/2018 09:57

I would NOT be marrying a man that allowed his fiancee and children and future in laws to be treated like this! I would be finding out where this money went, and be reporting this to the Garda ( if you are in the South), and getting her done with fraud/theft.
Either your fiance grows a pair of balls and tells his family to fuck off or weddings off.
I don't think you are a bridezilla, personally I think you need to be one!
OP you are becoming a doormat to his family, and it's only going to get worse.
Time for you to tell his family where to go, and if your fiance won't back you up....cancel the wedding!
I cannot believe you have let this go on...

GabriellaMontez · 23/09/2018 10:09

You have a massive dh problem. He hasn't got your back. He doesn't care. He prefers to not upset mummy.

Are you happy to marry that?

beanaseireann · 23/09/2018 10:13

Are you living in the UK or Ireland.
They sound off the wall.
Either he shapes up ( to them) or you ship out.

Merryoldgoat · 23/09/2018 10:17

If you marry him your life will be miserable.

fullerhouse · 23/09/2018 10:27

when anyone mentions cheques they sent you I would act confused and say oh I’m guessing that’s another one mil has cashed but thank you anyway. Leave them to speak to her about it I’m sure they won’t be happy. As for mil only you and dp can set how your lives will be I would have a chat with dp and tell him how your feeling and that your thinking of cancelling the whole thing if he doesn’t stand by you and put your foot down enough is enough your grown adults you don’t need mil getting involved in your business.

Luvly12 · 23/09/2018 10:29

You's are all nuts and need to chill!

A timetable being sent out??????
Putting up about hat's?
Messages about jewellery?

Any wonder there's tension.

Mil sounds unhinged
You sound like a bridezilla
You moh sounds like a right OTT loon

I'd dread being around the lot of you!!!!!
Sorry

Luvly12 · 23/09/2018 10:31

Elope

WaterOffaDucksCrack · 23/09/2018 10:34

Tbh it doesn't sound like your boyfriend cares about you that much since he accepts such behaviour from your family towards you. I couldn't marry anyone so spineless.

astoundedgoat · 24/09/2018 10:46

You poor poor thing going through all this.

First of all, if she is misappropriating cheques (which she is) she is breaking the law. You can make an anonymous tip-off to the Credit Union and to the Gardai.

Secondly, although the universal call to arms here on Mumsnet is to make sure you are married if you have children, I would seriously hesitate to enmesh myself further with this appalling family. And your fiance is a spineless git, just in case you had any doubts on that point.

I would give serious consideration to giving him an ultimatum - you either get married and move away by New Year's Day (minimum 200 miles, although I hear Australia is lovely this time of year...) or it's all off. You can't condemn yourself to 70 more years of this bullshit and you don't HAVE to.

But seriously - you know for a fact that she is embezzling money at the Credit Union. You have a moral responsibility to report it. God knows who else she is doing this to.

Jux · 27/09/2018 12:35

So the mother has stolen a significant amount of money from you.
The sister owes money to your friends.
They have taken the hair and make up people you were going to use for themselves (have you paid for them yet? You will.)
Your dp says you just have to get used to it.

Happy to live like that for the rest of your life?

Jux · 27/09/2018 12:41

Oh, and start using online banking. Your family can too, and then the thief can't nick any more.

Thesnobbymiddleclassone · 27/09/2018 12:44

Don't you dare organise anything for those utter bitches!!! Get in with your loving friends and family and enjoy your wedding.

flowergrrl77 · 27/09/2018 13:00

Agree with
@Jux
Oh, and start using online banking. Your family can too, and then the thief can't nick any more.

Did you know that many banks can deposit cheques up to £500 via the online banking apps with photography! For the few cheques that make it to your hands, photo them ASAP!!

FishesThatFly · 27/09/2018 14:32

Don't think OP will be back

Tinkerbell89 · 27/09/2018 14:44

Is your DP supporting you or your MIL in a this? If he isn't supporting you and things aren't getting better do you want to marry him for this to continue or walk away before you're stuck? You and partner need to be on the same side and should have words with his mother. If he won't support you it will only get worse

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