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Original poster

Wedding drama, any advice

143 replies

Andreamarie · 21/09/2018 11:01

So this is my first time ever posting anything online but my head is about to explode. Getting married next week and it's been a disaster with one of my bridesmaids who is my future sister in law, and my future mil. So a quick background, his mam is extremely controlling and pass remarkable,when my daughter was born i was breastfeeding she'd feed her formula any monetary gifts sent to my children on his side she took the cheques and cashed them in her employment and I was never told, only found out by finding texts on his phone, a substantial cheque was sent for the wedding which I told my partner to lodge himself, when she found out she rang demanding the cheque be given to her, I could keep going but we had a family bbq in June and she basically just tore into my whole family, my parents my siblings my brothers partner my partner and myself it was horrendous the things she said and in front of my kids and I'm not lying when I say nobody has ever said or done anything to this woman for her to behave the way she did. So two weeks ago my maid of honour done a timetable for the morning of the wedding and sent it to everyone, and future sisin law I kid you not wrote back that I should go first for hair and makeup so HER mam can get ready, so maid of honour told her it's not possible and the bride shouldn't be rushed to accommodate her mam and she responded with well she's not being left out it's HER son's wedding and she will be there to get her hair and makeup done as the hair and makeup girls are friends of hers and that's it, so MIL was expecting after attacking my whole family and I to rock up and use my hair and makeup people, so I contacted her myself and told her that given her mams behaviour it's not appropriate that she is here with the bridal party the morning of the wedding but to keep you two happy you keep the hair and makeup people ill try and find someone 3 weeks before my wedding to which she replied that's fine at least we're sorted then!!! The girl has done nothing but cause stress the whole way through everything she offered to do she done nothing and I mean nothing ignored texts etc, even down to jewellery I sent prices etc shops that had what I thought would be nice and she rang her brother my partner claiming she was never informed and that I'm trying to cause problems! When we put up about hats etc no-one is to wear a massive hat she actually recorded herself giving out about it and put it in the WhatsApp group for the wedding! Even though it's there in black and white! Not to mention she owes the other two bridesmaid money from the hen party and she's blanking them as well.and to top it off she's told me she'll be telling the photographer what to do to ensure he gets great pictures of HER!!!.
So do I tell her to step down or just go through for peace sake and cut ties after the wedding?

OP posts:
BunsOfAnarchy · 22/09/2018 06:27

Sorry OP but i couldnt be with a man who allows me to be treated like that and then tells me to 'get used to it'.

If the shoe were on the other foot, a man would run for the hills too!

This behaviour is diabolical. You can see its just getting worse right? You realise it wont change after marriage? You realise your partner isnt changing either if hes just burying his head in the sand?

You know what to do. I hope you find the strength to do it.x

Charlie97 · 22/09/2018 06:34

@Andreamarie could you confirm if your OH was present when MIL formula fed your breast fed baby?

Or how you found out it happened?

Awrite · 22/09/2018 06:45

Well, you've been given a lot of advice here - just as you asked for.

Except you don't want to take any of it.

There's a well known saying for situations like this: Hell mend you.

PirateWeasel · 22/09/2018 07:03

I think the wedding is the least of your worries here. Many, many red flags in everything you've told us. Your DP needs to man up and change his ways, and his mother needs...well, arresting, frankly...for fiddling your finances at the bank.

Enigmam · 22/09/2018 07:18

Good luck love, you're going to need it!

BlueJava · 22/09/2018 07:24

If you 2 truly love each then elope and live far, far away from the ILs! If you won't do that then run. Sorry but the sounds absolutely awful and I couldn't live with that amount of drama/ill feeling/crazy stuff in my life.

Outnotdown · 22/09/2018 07:43

That sounds truly awful, what a horrible situation you're in.

What about telling your fiance you are barring them from the wedding. See how he reacts, can he empathize with you, stick up for you at all??

If not, listen to your mam Flowers

Gersemi · 22/09/2018 07:52

Report her to her employers - what she is doing is theft, which would be regarded extremely seriously in any bank, whether in the UK or Ireland.

Angrybird345 · 22/09/2018 07:58

Do not marry this man. Your life will be worse the minute you get a ring in your finger. Don’t be a mug, walk away now. Do it fir the sake of the kids. WALK AWAY!

Figgygal · 22/09/2018 07:59

It's not going to get any better you know that!!

Peakypush · 22/09/2018 08:03

I knew you were Irish from the get go OP Grin far too soft! It's a cultural curse (for everyone except old school Irish Mammies clearly!)

Your DP is definitely part of the problem here but I've known enough Mammy's boys to understand you won't get very far with changing him.

I'd personally run a mile. Considering she was abusive to your entire family for no reason you should un-invite her from the wedding (at the very least) but I know you're unlikely to do either of these things, so just grin and bear it as best you can and try not to kick yourself in the coming years when they continue to cause strife in your marriage and your DH refuses to grow a pair.

Keep reading Mumsnet - I adore the assertiveness and intelligence of some of the women on here and some posters have really changed my outlook on so many things. I'm much quicker to stand up for myself and be clear about my needs these days. It's been rather enlightening!

Junglefowl · 22/09/2018 08:05

OP is your real name AndreaMarie as if is quite a good idea to be anonymous on a public forum?

billybagpuss · 22/09/2018 08:06

When I first started working in a bank (late '80's) all staff had to get a manager to countersign any pay ins and we weren't allowed to write cheques in anticipation of our pay day. It was pre switch etc and cheques would take 3 days to hit our accounts so if you were paid on the 25th it was safe to start writing cheques on the 23rd unless they banked with us. Our boss would go through all the staff cheques monthly and the credits daily. It was a disciplinary offence if we were caught doing anything out of order.

I'm sure the rules are the same, but in the ever increasing automation the checking not as easy. If you so much as mention it to the bank you will have one unemployed MIL.

AJPTaylor · 22/09/2018 08:09

Dont get married to him. Jeez.

Frazzled2207 · 22/09/2018 09:27

Your mil (illegally) stole money that was meant for your child.
Don't marry into this family is my only advice.

Johndoe10 · 22/09/2018 09:34

Andrea this was me before my wedding and my mil and bil ruined the day. I was so upset for months and still can’t speak to them

Honest advice is to cancel and go to the registry office. Honestly they will make sure you have a bad day. Don’t be like me and fooled myself in to thinking they would be respectful for one day.

Johndoe10 · 22/09/2018 09:39

Oh and it was mils day too! Even her friends on facebook were talking about the ‘mother of the grooms’ dress. Not a single picture of me at the wedding at all on her facebook.

We are actually having a very private blessing to try and create some new memories and his family are not invited. Some people are just determined to let their unpleasantness ruin other peoples happiness - even for one day.

manicmij · 22/09/2018 17:43

You must be mad to even consider marrying into that lot. Cancel wedding and if you still want to marry DP, just do it without telling anyone. Perhaps include your children though depending on ages. Otherwise you will have a life of misery.

ThanosSavedMe · 22/09/2018 17:55

Stop being nice to them.

Tell you do that you will not just have to get used to it. He either backs you up or the wedding is off. How he reacts will let you know whether there is a future.

If the wedding goes ahead, the sister can do one. Tell her that due to her behaviour and attitude she is no longer a bridesmaid. If she turns up in a big hat, get one of your most intimidating friends to remove it for her.

I would also be telling his mum that she gives the money to you or you will report her to the police and her employers. And I would do it.

unababy · 22/09/2018 18:44

It 's never going to improve - I speak from experience. Cancel the wedding, elope and refuse to have either of them in your house. If your partner wants to see them he goes to them.

Smithy01 · 22/09/2018 18:46

Tbh the issue here isn’t the wedding or the in-laws, it’s you partner. He needs to stop his mum and sister treating you both like this. He should stand up for you with them both and lodge a complaint about the missing cheques.
If he isn’t prepared to do this then unfortunately your wasting your time here, it will end in tears sooner or later unless you face the problems now.

Ngaio2 · 22/09/2018 19:40

I’d make the break now and provided your DP is in agreement, tell both women they are unwelcome at the wedding.

Mrsmadevans · 22/09/2018 19:46

OP l am so sorry but you really need to be very careful or your life is going to be ruled by this awful woman . Good luck because l have a feeling you are going to need it .

WoollyMollyMonkey · 22/09/2018 20:53

They sound fairly similar to my in-laws. Unless your partner is sticking up for you (, and it doesn’t really sound like he is, did he get the money back off them?)I would run for the hills. I was just thinking the other day, what a big big mistake I made getting myself into this family, given the chance to turn the clock back, i’d tell the lot of them to go to hell. They have made my life a misery for the last 30 years. Sad

Theluckynumberthree · 22/09/2018 21:56

I agree with others, cancel the wedding and elope with your dp and children ( perhaps your parents too..)

Good luck