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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

Wedding drama, any advice

143 replies

Andreamarie · 21/09/2018 11:01

So this is my first time ever posting anything online but my head is about to explode. Getting married next week and it's been a disaster with one of my bridesmaids who is my future sister in law, and my future mil. So a quick background, his mam is extremely controlling and pass remarkable,when my daughter was born i was breastfeeding she'd feed her formula any monetary gifts sent to my children on his side she took the cheques and cashed them in her employment and I was never told, only found out by finding texts on his phone, a substantial cheque was sent for the wedding which I told my partner to lodge himself, when she found out she rang demanding the cheque be given to her, I could keep going but we had a family bbq in June and she basically just tore into my whole family, my parents my siblings my brothers partner my partner and myself it was horrendous the things she said and in front of my kids and I'm not lying when I say nobody has ever said or done anything to this woman for her to behave the way she did. So two weeks ago my maid of honour done a timetable for the morning of the wedding and sent it to everyone, and future sisin law I kid you not wrote back that I should go first for hair and makeup so HER mam can get ready, so maid of honour told her it's not possible and the bride shouldn't be rushed to accommodate her mam and she responded with well she's not being left out it's HER son's wedding and she will be there to get her hair and makeup done as the hair and makeup girls are friends of hers and that's it, so MIL was expecting after attacking my whole family and I to rock up and use my hair and makeup people, so I contacted her myself and told her that given her mams behaviour it's not appropriate that she is here with the bridal party the morning of the wedding but to keep you two happy you keep the hair and makeup people ill try and find someone 3 weeks before my wedding to which she replied that's fine at least we're sorted then!!! The girl has done nothing but cause stress the whole way through everything she offered to do she done nothing and I mean nothing ignored texts etc, even down to jewellery I sent prices etc shops that had what I thought would be nice and she rang her brother my partner claiming she was never informed and that I'm trying to cause problems! When we put up about hats etc no-one is to wear a massive hat she actually recorded herself giving out about it and put it in the WhatsApp group for the wedding! Even though it's there in black and white! Not to mention she owes the other two bridesmaid money from the hen party and she's blanking them as well.and to top it off she's told me she'll be telling the photographer what to do to ensure he gets great pictures of HER!!!.
So do I tell her to step down or just go through for peace sake and cut ties after the wedding?

OP posts:

Original poster

Andreamarie · 21/09/2018 15:17

Oh and my dp has buried his head. Apparently she's been like this all of his life and I have to vet used to it.

OP posts:

hazell42 · 21/09/2018 15:19

I doubt very much that anyone, even someone working in a bank, would be able to cash a cheque with someone else's name on it
It would have been picked up in clearing

Original poster

Andreamarie · 21/09/2018 15:20

@bluejeanz she lodged them into her account in her place of employment. She works in a bank.

OP posts:

Original poster

Andreamarie · 21/09/2018 15:25

@hoppingpavlova I'm actually one of the most laid back people you will ever meet all I asked was because it's such a small ceremony room to not have massive hats for the pictures and because its a laid back theme how does that make me batshit crazy? It's the only thing I've asked, I've done everything else myself and haven't asked anything of anyone

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hazell42 · 21/09/2018 15:25

So she didn't access her son's account then? And how did she put them in her account with a different name in the cheque ? I'm sure that bank staff have special rules about paying stuff into their own accounts.

OliviaBenson · 21/09/2018 15:25

Well your partner should move banks and never give her the cheques go cash as a start?

OliviaBenson · 21/09/2018 15:26

But that's be honest that's the least of your worries.

Emma765 · 21/09/2018 15:27

She paid them in to her own account herself? Did she then transfer the money to your husband or keep it?

I'd be waiting until after the wedding and then making a complaint about her, that's gross misconduct.

Original poster

Andreamarie · 21/09/2018 15:28

@hazell42 I have no idea,it's actually a credit union in Ireland so maybe the rules are different. I never saw or received the cheques. He just told me there
was x amount sent in a cheque my mam has lodged it, but we never received it.

OP posts:

BumDisease · 21/09/2018 15:30

This is the flea on the tip of iceberg. Marrying into this family would be insanity.

hazell42 · 21/09/2018 15:31

Slightly different. Perhaps she has set up an account in your child's name?

ConsiderHerWaysAndOthers · 21/09/2018 15:34

she lodged the cheques in her account as she actually works in the bank my partner has his account and she accesses this account. I know it's very illegal.
Well at the very least I’d complain to her employer. Personally I’d report it to the police. It’s absolutely ridiculous that your fiancé buries his head and you just smile sweetly whilst she steals from you and your children. Headwear choices for a wedding and who goes first with the hairdresser are honestly the least of your problems.

LagunaBubbles · 21/09/2018 15:34

Oh and my dp has buried his head. Apparently she's been like this all of his life and I have to vet used to it

Your main problem is your partner. No you dont need to "get used to it." Its nuts hes accepted her banking the cheque, in fact hes as bad as her!

Original poster

Andreamarie · 21/09/2018 15:35

@ellissandra thanks for that, that's the only thing I asked for the whole wedding and only because it's such a tiny room and the wedding is so laid back. That's all I've asked I've done everything on my own raising three kids under 4 and my dad having cancer. I have not asked anyone for anything not even their time just please don't go crazy have huge hats as the room is tiny. How does that make me a bridezilla that's harsh.

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Loopytiles · 21/09/2018 15:36

You don’t just have a MIL problem, you have a DP problem!

Have low expectations for their behaviour on your wedding day. Go low contact.

I would report the cheques thing to her work: she’ll be (deservedly) fired.

Doyoumind · 21/09/2018 15:39

I would get your DP to email both of them saying their behaviour is damaging and unacceptable. They can go on all they like but if things don't improve then contact between him and his family (you and children) and them will need to be reduce. Then it's in their hands. If they kick off, distance yourselves completely from them.

Make everyone else aware that you are happy to have a relationship with them only if they can be respectful so it doesn't seem like you are the ones in the wrong.

CalonGlas · 21/09/2018 15:40

Asking people not to wear big hats because the venue is small is perfectly reasonable! It only comes across as bridezilla to some people if it's an order issued without explanation on the invitations - like brides who tell everyone to wear black, so their white dress stands out, or brides who enforce impossible dress codes to fit in with their themes, eg, 'The Great Gatsby' or 'the fourth Harry Potter film' or somesuch.

IME you spend so long thinking about your wedding when you're arranging it that you sort of forget not everyone is privy to the endless train of thought that goes into most decisions.

Original poster

Andreamarie · 21/09/2018 15:41

@hazell42 I've thought that tbh. He took a picture of my child's birth cert and sent it to her after she was born. When I questioned this he told me she wanted to see the birth cert as she was so excited at becoming a grandmother. But you need a birth cert to open a credit union account for a minor. I did go crazy and asked straight up did she open an account but everything was denied.
And I know people are going to be nasty and say run or I'm as bad for putting up with it but it's just all ran ahead of me and I feel swamped hence why I asked for the advice.

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Bluejeanz · 21/09/2018 15:44

What she has done with the cheques is illegal. You need to report her to either her employer or the Garda. That’s fraud.

As for the wedding, drop his family and have the wedding you want.

LuluJakey1 · 21/09/2018 15:44

I would just have a quiet wedding- elope or just have your mum and dad.

BruceAndNosh · 21/09/2018 15:46

She fed your breast fed baby formula, and stole money from your children and partner.
And you're worried about bloody hats!??

LuluJakey1 · 21/09/2018 15:46

TBH it isn't th3 wedding, it is what you'll face for the next 30 years with this lot.

You should report her actions to the bank. That'll stop her speaking to you ever again.

Holidayshopping · 21/09/2018 15:47

Oh and my dp has buried his head. Apparently she's been like this all of his life and I have to vet used to it.

You have a DP problem, not an in law problem. He is being completely spineless and doesn’t seem to care what you feel.

Until you sort it, things will be really shit!

I don’t understand the money situation. What do you mean, cheques have been lodged at the bank? Who gave you the money? Why haven’t you confronted her about stealing? Why are you still speaking to her?

No one on here can sort this shit out except you and your partner by going to speak to yout in laws.

Original poster

Andreamarie · 21/09/2018 15:47

@CalonGlas thank you for understanding. It's a small wedding too so anyone I asked it was nicely and I asked would you mind as it's such a small room and if they had already gotten a hat I said that's fine. The only one to make an issue was the sil. And that's all I've asked for.

It really is laid back and I've been so chill but just the last few weeks their behavious has really hurt me.

OP posts:

shutthedamndoor · 21/09/2018 15:54

What do you want? When you and your kids are looking at photos of the wedding, what memories do you want? Then do that. If it's un-inviting, eloping, whatever. DO WHAT MAKES YOU HAPPY. Your husband isn't going to do anything, and mil and Sil will moan and complain anyway, so sod them.

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