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Original poster

Wedding drama, any advice

143 replies

Andreamarie · 21/09/2018 11:01

So this is my first time ever posting anything online but my head is about to explode. Getting married next week and it's been a disaster with one of my bridesmaids who is my future sister in law, and my future mil. So a quick background, his mam is extremely controlling and pass remarkable,when my daughter was born i was breastfeeding she'd feed her formula any monetary gifts sent to my children on his side she took the cheques and cashed them in her employment and I was never told, only found out by finding texts on his phone, a substantial cheque was sent for the wedding which I told my partner to lodge himself, when she found out she rang demanding the cheque be given to her, I could keep going but we had a family bbq in June and she basically just tore into my whole family, my parents my siblings my brothers partner my partner and myself it was horrendous the things she said and in front of my kids and I'm not lying when I say nobody has ever said or done anything to this woman for her to behave the way she did. So two weeks ago my maid of honour done a timetable for the morning of the wedding and sent it to everyone, and future sisin law I kid you not wrote back that I should go first for hair and makeup so HER mam can get ready, so maid of honour told her it's not possible and the bride shouldn't be rushed to accommodate her mam and she responded with well she's not being left out it's HER son's wedding and she will be there to get her hair and makeup done as the hair and makeup girls are friends of hers and that's it, so MIL was expecting after attacking my whole family and I to rock up and use my hair and makeup people, so I contacted her myself and told her that given her mams behaviour it's not appropriate that she is here with the bridal party the morning of the wedding but to keep you two happy you keep the hair and makeup people ill try and find someone 3 weeks before my wedding to which she replied that's fine at least we're sorted then!!! The girl has done nothing but cause stress the whole way through everything she offered to do she done nothing and I mean nothing ignored texts etc, even down to jewellery I sent prices etc shops that had what I thought would be nice and she rang her brother my partner claiming she was never informed and that I'm trying to cause problems! When we put up about hats etc no-one is to wear a massive hat she actually recorded herself giving out about it and put it in the WhatsApp group for the wedding! Even though it's there in black and white! Not to mention she owes the other two bridesmaid money from the hen party and she's blanking them as well.and to top it off she's told me she'll be telling the photographer what to do to ensure he gets great pictures of HER!!!.
So do I tell her to step down or just go through for peace sake and cut ties after the wedding?

OP posts:
krustykittens · 21/09/2018 16:01

If he sent her your child's birth cert he is doing a damn sight more than burying his head in the sand! OP, these people are mentally and financially abusive, they think that once you are married, you won't be going anywhere. Please consider at least postponing the wedding and having time to think. I had an ex whose mother was like this (also Irish). She tried everything she could to get money out of us and saw us a cash point. She demanded birthday money off me given to me by my parents (she said she needed it more than I did), when I got a student maintenance loan, she wanted that, it went on and on. I was still a student, my ex was working full time, coming to the end of a long three years when we had really scrimped and scraped. His sister decided to get her darling mammy a new kitchen for her 50th and we all had to put in money for it, a couple of thousand each. I was arguing that we really didn't have it when ex decided to take all the glory, tell mammy all about her present, whereupon the old cow decided to demand the money his sister had already saved to spend on herself AND the new bloody kitchen! It was the last straw for me, I left. He really did think every demand his mother made was reasonable and I was a bitch if I didn't agree. He even tried to get me to take out loans in my name to give her money! I know you have kids but please, please think about this.

ThumbWitchesAbroad · 21/09/2018 16:02

Lord love you, OP, you don't want to marry this kipper! He's a mammy's boy who's never going to have your back or stand up for you against his mam, and his sister sounds like she's just another one like her mother!

I realise you have kids together and are kind of stuck with him anyway because of that, but I'd honestly pull the plug now. They're going to wreck your day and then the rest of your life. At least if you're not married, you can walk away a little easier and have nothing to do with them, even though you have to see him as the father to your child(ren).

One of my best friends married a man whose mother was a domineering cunt. She played a large part in them getting divorced, and my friend tried to keep things civil for the sake of her child, but it was hard. She even got back together with the ex for a few years - but he was never one to stand up to his mummy, and eventually she'd had enough again and walked away. She no longer has anything to do with her ex's family at all and she's SO relieved!

Hospitaldramafamily · 21/09/2018 16:17

Fyi - this is possible at a credit union in Ireland! Not officially but it's still small town rules that apply in practice. I worked in as bank, also, and yes, employees have done this and been pulled up on it when found out

Itsnotabingthingisit · 21/09/2018 16:18

If you get married in these conditions, you will live to regret it .

The whole family sound absolutely awful, and you husband to be doesn't sound like he's doing too much to stop it.

Despite what you may think, it is never too late to cancel a wedding.

You only get one life..do you really want yours to be one with these people in it, causing you misery on a daily basis?

Seaweed42 · 21/09/2018 16:18

Is it not the case that the MIL opened a credit union account in the child's name and is lodging the cheques in there for that child? It's controlling yes, but the kid will get the money in the end.
Your DP is afraid to say Boo to her obviously. What a fucking doormat he is.
She'll look like a prat in a big hat anyway if no-one else is wearing one.
It's this wedding has you driven mad and you are as triggered as hell.
You've put up with these pair of control freak bitches this far, you can probably go another mile or two with them.
My advice is let it go. This is not the time to be tackling them.
Go off and try to relax and enjoy the wedding preparations. Because it'll be over in a flash and you'll have missed it because you are so blinkered with the rage.
Chill the feck out luv and go and do some lovely weddingy things and forget all about them. Wine Hope you have a fantastic day!

Squirrelblanket · 21/09/2018 16:20

The advice is please use paragraphs!

WildfirePonie · 21/09/2018 16:25

Having to highlight the next chunk of text to read is a pain.

Thanks @LagunaBubbles for reposting.

DoraNora · 21/09/2018 16:26

For people saying the MIL couldn't have cashed cheques in someone else's name - yes she could! My mum did it all the time when she worked for one of the biggest banks in the UK. Liked to dip her hand into my bank account as well (extended my overdraft once, how thoughtful) and used to look up the finances of people she knew.

And duh yes it's illegal but if you're in the family how does it help to remove a source of income? Much more complicated than that.

She sounds like a nightmare OP (a lot like my mum in fact) and I know you have 3 children but think seriously about tying yourself legally to someone who enables such a toxic, financially abusive person. It took years to get free of my mum Sad

FishesThatFly · 21/09/2018 16:33

So .... after reading all this, what do you actually want?

You're not going to get the wedding day or inlaws that you want. You're also not going to get a DH that will back you up and support you through thick and thin.

So what you want and the reality of what you'll get are very different.

You still have time to postpone the wedding and to work on the relationship between you and DP because even though you say you love each other, love alone won't hold you together.

QueSera · 21/09/2018 16:35

Hats are the least of your worries! Are you obsessing over hats to avoid confronting the vast horror of marrying into this family and having a DP who refuses to put you ahead of his god-awful mother/sister? Because that is a terrible trait in a partner.

HeyNumber2 · 21/09/2018 17:02

They sound horrific.

Run.

(And use commas in your next post.)

tillytown · 21/09/2018 18:32

The only reason your future mother and sister in law are acting like this is because your partner is letting them. He could have told them to stop, but he didn't. He is the problem, and until he sticks up for you, and your children, you shouldn't get married.

buttfacedmiscreant · 21/09/2018 18:49

Lord love you, OP, you don't want to marry this kipper! He's a mammy's boy who's never going to have your back or stand up for you against his mam, and his sister sounds like she's just another one like her mother!

This. Totally this.

If you are married to this boy-man he will never make a stand and this will be your life.

MilesHuntsWig · 21/09/2018 20:01

Your DP needs to deal with his family. If he doesn't he is setting the tone for the rest of your marriage.

Either your MIL behaves or doesn't go, same for your SIL. Horrendous behaviour.

trojanpony · 21/09/2018 23:47

I would really think hard about this. I agree with the “lord love you” comment. you are marrying a mammys boy and it will continue to be a fucking nightmare.
Will you be living nearby after marrying him?

Is it not the case that the MIL opened a credit union account in the child's name and is lodging the cheques in there for that child?
I’d bet the value of the fecking saving account she maaaagically presents the account at 1st communion or confirmation and announces “she” saved it because she loooives your DD so much Hmm

Sleepykate · 22/09/2018 01:57

Why can't people wear hats? Confused misses point of post

Jamiefraserskilt · 22/09/2018 02:59

Tell the photographer to disregard every and all attempts to hijack your day. All photo requests come through you and only you, as your stbdh cannot use the word no.
This is more common than you think.
Why let her steal the hair and make up people? I do hope she will be paying them herself and not expecting you to cover her cheeky fuckery! I also hope you live far away from these crazy people who will continue to walk over you unless you make a stand. I would be so tempted to visit them the day before and tell them that if they repeat the performance as last time, they will be made to leave, family or no. If one tiny wee world gets back to you, their day is over. Make sure you have some handy chaps about to carry it through. It may cause trouble but it would be a fraction of their behaviour. It is about time they learned what will and will not be tolerated.

BitOfFun · 22/09/2018 03:15

Run like your hair is on fire.

Seriously, do NOT shackle yourself to this family. No good will come of it. I don't know how old you are, but take it from somebody with enough miles on the clock to know that these things seldom end well.

You have a long life: choose wisely.

tombstoneteeth · 22/09/2018 03:40

My in-laws were just like this. I didn't listen to my gut instinct, and wasted 20 years of my life. Cost me a fortune to divorce him too, after he had generously allowed me to support him and the kids emotionally and financially almost all of our marriage. Run the other way and don't look back.

Akanamali · 22/09/2018 03:41

I'm not sure what sort of advice you're after? You can either reduce/stop all contact with them, leave your partner, or just put up with it. You're not going to change these people and whether you can live like this is for you to decide.

1forAll74 · 22/09/2018 04:06

OMG,,A wedding day is supposed to be a beautiful lovely day, and this will be a nightmare by the sounds of it.

I think you said your wedding was next week, so perhaps its too late to call it off or alter it in any way now.. I would truly hate all this horrible stuff that is going on around you.

I think I would just shoot off somewhere with my husband to be, get married quickly somewhere else,in any clothes that you liked, and let the wedding party do what the hell they wanted to all that day !

theworldistoosmall · 22/09/2018 04:22

Tell them both to go fuck themselves and report the thieving bitch.
THere will be fallout from it. And? Better to have these cows not talking to you than them being in your life taking the piss.

As for her being BM because she hasn't got sisters. I assume that maybe she might have some friends. Then there's her chance to be BM, although it's not a right.

And the little mummies boy. He has two choices. Support you and stop being a mug or he can fuck off and go back to the toxic family

FishesThatFly · 22/09/2018 05:59

Unfortunately l think we all know that the OP won't do anything because "she loves him". The wedding will go ahead. It will be a horrid day taken over by the inlaws, the bride will spend it in a mixture of anger and tears. The photos will be ruined as the inlaws won't smile in the one's the Bride wants and only in "their" family photo's i.e with their manchild groom and no bride.

Wedding gifts will go missing along with bottles of alcohol.

The bride and groom will be left with a huge tab that his family have run up.

Then....

The OP will be back on here under a different username moaning and asking advise about her mummyboy husband and toxic inlaws....

Rememory · 22/09/2018 06:06

I'd find it very difficult to stay with a man who lets this happen. What did he do at the bbq when she was ranting?

Namechangeforthiscancershit · 22/09/2018 06:11

You want these people to be your family?

Run. Now.

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