To be absolutely furious

[awesmum]

A long one sorry

A bit of history, 'D'H and I have been together 8 years, have 1dd (2yrs) I have Dd (18). Dd18 and DH have always had a strained relationship. They don't get on at all.
DH and I are having councilling because he's relenting talking at me. He is kind and thoughtful but everything ends up his way as he talks so much at me I give in to stop him talking at me. I had a meeting with the councillor last week as she wanted to say how I am retreating into myself and no longer talking. Before the meeting, he sat me down and for half an hour explained what I must do and say in the meeting, or else it's pointless going. I got quite cross and unlike me turned around and said he was being patronising and I knew what the purpose was, he got cross and told me off. Anyway after the meeting this went on more, resulting in me going home with my daughter (the 2 year old).
He came home that evening telling me he was cross with my disrespectful behaviour.
The next day I had hospital appointment, after which he came home when I turned up, I had had a biopsy, wanted a cup of tea and a lay down. I went to the loo, he was in the sitting room hadn't said hello or anything, I put the kettle on, he walked in and said 'Are you not going to come and tell me what happened then?' In a real arsey way.
After the councillor telling me to stop being so wet (not her words) I actually laughed and he asked what I was laughing at, I said being told off again. To which he started ranting, to which I said 'I can't hear you (I couldn't) but I assume you're telling me off as you you seem to spend your life doing that.'
He shouted and stormed off. Comes back later when the 2 year is napping, I said i didn't want to talk, so he starts shouting and wakes her up then storms off again.

In the evening I was sorting DD birthday present she's 18, he summoned me into a room, he gave me some money for her present, I said it's fine I didn't want it right now.
I was making vouchers for driving lessons for her and putting them in a box, so it was a bit of something lovely to open rather than just an envelope with them in.
So he waited for me to go to bed, I had been up all night the previous night with a poorly 2 year old. He called DD to the sitting room gave her £300 in cash ( I had said we wouldn't do cash as that's crap for an 18 and she'd waste it and lessons would get booked). He said this is for you to have driving lessons. She was so happy thinking that he for once done something for her for her birthday.

But when she opened her present from me (and him) this morning the dawning realisation set in on her face and poor thing felt so awkward and apologised to me!

I am so angry he to that excitement from her and think he did it out of spite to me.

This is all since Wednesday by the way.

Aibu?

You don’t have to tell him anything in person. You are very intimidated by him because he is a bully, and you don’t know what he might do if you said it face to face.

Is all his stuff still at the house?

@AHoleInTheWorld yes he said that I must be open and discuss everything with her if I don't it's pointless in going. She said she'd wanted to discuss my relationship with my daughter (a ruse to see me alone) he said I must explain everything thoroughly as to why I treat her (Dd) the way I do, that I do this and that, so that she (the councillor) can tell me where I am going wrong. When we discuss going to see her originally he was all for it as he said he could explain to her what he wanted and she could then explain them to me, so that I can start to understand things better. Which most of that sounds relatively reasonable as in being open. But how patronising, like I am idiot. But then to use her as a means to tell me what to do.

Yes all his stuff is still here, he went to work Friday morning and hasn't been in the house since.

You sound bowed down by an expert bully to be honest. He has worn way at any self esteem you had antil you darent say boo to a goose.

You don’t seen to have any sense of your own worth or equal value as a human being. You’re so used to seeing yourself through his eyes, everything wrong, everything defective.

Why is his way The Right Way?

Why must everything and every one fall in with his ideas and plans? What is wrong with doing things a little bit differently? A bit of variety? Someone else’s voice being heard above his own?

He’s vile. So controlling and such a god complex he’s forgotten he has to hide it! Shocking...

How are you today, op? I hope you are managing to have a relaxing Sunday.

Your poor 18 year old has better judgement than you do!

@NotANotMan ouch! But fair.

@Cambionome thank you for asking. I haven't messaged him yet, the kids and I have had a really lovely quiet weekend, the atmosphere in the house is so different without him here. Even with a 18year old birthday, irritable teenage boy and ill toddler, we have had such a relaxed house. If further shows me what I need to do. I don't want to break the peace by having to deal with him today. I will put big girl pants on tomorrow and face the mess, unless he has the same thought, in which case I will be prepared.

I do keep having wobbles but then something pops into my head and it steals my resolve. I know it's going to be so hard, get vicious and of that I am terrified. But hopefully in 6 months/ 12 months it will be worth it for all of us.

Hang onto that feeling of peace in the house. That is your future. When I kicked my H out late last year (different context, same outcome) the sense of peace, calm and happiness was amazing. Let it give you the strength to do this.

Sorry. But when a partner has 'always had a strained relationship' with your kid and it's never got better you need to think about why that is.

Yeah I think the OP has acknowledged that it was a bad decision to stay with her DH so long. She feels guilty enough as it is so can we move on and try and be supportive instead of repeating the same points?

Hope things are ok today OP.

He doesn't want a family, he wants staff.

"When we discuss going to see her originally he was all for it as he said he could explain to her what he wanted and she could then explain them to me, so that I can start to understand things better. "

That isn't counselling, or a relationship. That is a performance review meeting so that you can explain to HR why you're "not meeting expectations".

When you doubt your own judgement , remember this : the counsellor was so concerned about the need to see you without him there that she made up a ruse to get him out of the picture. She knows you both, she sees what he’s like, she sees that you need an escape route.

He knows this too. He doesn’t give a shiny shite about you rebuilding your relationship with your daughter, he just won’t risk releasing you from his control and figuring out that there is a way out.

Well he's come back to the house, he's made no effort to speak to the children except the littlest. And pointedly staring and huffing at me. I haven't said I want him out yet or it's over, I want legal advice before I say anything as in the past he threatens me and I panic and get flustered and he uses that to control the situation. I want to be cool, calm and in control when he does that so I need to have my facts straight first.

These last few days without his negativity all day, have been amazing for me. The wobbles are getting less and I am feeling clearer with what I want. There is still the resonating guilt of what did I let it get like this, how did I let it get like this. Then that nagging thought of if I had said something to him would he have changed his ways? Is this my fault for being so weak that he had to step up? But then I think I had been so strong before him and at the start, what ground me down? And I did say months and months ago and he is still in the same mindset. He doesn't think he's done anything wrong, I know I have. If you don't even doubt what you have done then there is no hope of change or anything.
The major thing that drives me - and I did say this to him about 6 months ago - if things stay as they are and I stay with you I know 95% I will be unhappy, if I leave I know it will be tough for a while but I know 95% I will be happy. The eldest 2 will be fine, the littlest will remember no different and 10 year old will be fine after a little while when she sees how happy everybody else is.

A huge 💡 I had as well my big 2 remember me, before, when I was me, but my 10 year old doesn't, what a heart breaking feeling to think that your own daughter has no idea who you are and what sort of mum you really are!

Anyway I am rambling. Thanks for your time

It sounds like you’re doing brilliantly OP - good for you! Hang in there and keep your resolve. Keep reminding yourself of all the ways and times that your domestic bully has put you down, overruled you, made you feel stupid or scatty or not in control, told you off, ordered you to change, belittled you and made you feel unhappy. You need to keep going over and over it all (write it all down as you remember incidents, too) to strengthen the memories in your mind, so that when you wobble or feel guilty or try to convince yourself he will change, or that actually he’s right, or that he’s got good qualities that you’ll miss, or that everything would be ok if you’d just get ‘better’ like he tells you to; you’ll be able to remind yourself why you actually do need this dreadful man out of your life. If it helps, remind yourself that you are doing it not just for you, but for your children too. Find the strength for them. And if you still need a courage boost, just imagine what you’d tell a close friend or even your DD if she was in a relationship that made her feel the way yours makes you feel. You owe him nothing - you own your future. Keep accessing the support resources that PP have suggested too. Best of luck - you can do this. There is a much better life on the other side!

Why do you feel you have no voice? What a horrible man, why do you choose to stay? Be strong and get the hell away from him

awesmum he is being abusive. Stop the counselling and contcat Women's aid. Do the freedom programme. He is not kind or nice. He is horrible. You need to be free of him.

Geraldine170 "It sounds like you were both as bad as each other in that situation childishly wanting to get the glory of giving DD the present. But I think he has the moral advantage here because he was the one doing the practical things to organise her present while you were just having a faff really." It sounds like you have not understood this man is a bullying selfish bastard!

OP "And yes possibly I am as bad as him. And he always has the moral advantage because he wants what right for everyone." NO NO NO You are not as 'bad as him', he is sucking the life out of you! He absolutely does not want the best for anyone except himself. No one who cares about another person sits them down and tells them what to say in a counselling session, no one. He says he wants the best for everyone but actually I think he wants the best for him.

Agree with TheObwaldhutte "Get legal advice and get out. He's not your friend and he won't help you with this. This is a journey you make alone." You are doing well OP.

"I am currently feeling an enormous amount of guilt, how did I let it get this far, I feel guilt for my kids, guilt for him, I don't doubt he doesn't understand what's going on. I am normally such a doormat and a yes man."Guilt doesn't really help much, it is a negative emotion. You have made mistakes but so have we all. Instead please channel your inner STRENGTH.

You can do this. Are you frightened he will physically hurt you? If so, please call the police on the non-emergency number and ask for advice. My friend's house was 'flagged' in some way when she separated from her abusive partner.

If you are at all in fear from his behavior, call the police on the emergency number. You have told him you want a divorce, the fact you were not taken seriously is not your fault. Please get legal advice. "I tend to read rather than watch tv which he finds distracting and wants me to watch with him." He sounds like a fucking big demanding baby who can't even watch TV on his own! "I think it's where she's developed her own thoughts and feelings and is making up her own mind." yeah, can imagine why he would not like that. "it's never relaxed. I am always on edge, the kids too." Sounds horrible.

sorry I double posted.

I had a very polite text this morning from him asking me to drop the 2 little girls off so he could take them out to dinner this evening, to which I politely responded that I had my DM and DS coming over for dinner and would like the girls here, he could have them tomorrow. He was fine. Then I had to text him about our DD and a dr's appointment I took her too. So he starts to try to open a dialogue which I ignored, just telling him the facts. I then got a text asks if he should be here for dinner as in the past he's disappeared when my family turn up for events or meals and comes back when they've gone, or been monosyllabic when they are here and made everybody uncomfortable- hence them not coming over. Rightly or wrongly I actually sent a text back before re-reading with about 70% of my true feelings-
'let’s be honest your not massively keen on my mum, my sister nor DD18. You also aren’t as you have said on numerous occasions going to pretend that and be full of small talk. If you want to come home and act in the normal monosyllabic fashion you do I can’t actually stop can I. Nor would i be rude to you as I have manners. As for wanting you here, I’ll be frank- no. I have done a lot of thinking and soul searching over the last week and before and I don’t want this roundabout or games any longer.'

Now I am absolutely bricking it as to the come back ....

Don't brick it OP, I think that's a good way of summising the situation and how you feel. Turn off your phone and find an activity to take your mind off this. You are doing well and the further you keep reiterating your feelings, the less chance he has to persuade you otherwise. Keep going!

Well done for telling him how you feel.

Well done, I know how hard you find it to make your own self heard to him, so that’s brave stuff indeed! You did a good job there. Now... do you know what you’d like to happen next? Or just wait and see?