To be absolutely furious

[awesmum]

A long one sorry

A bit of history, 'D'H and I have been together 8 years, have 1dd (2yrs) I have Dd (18). Dd18 and DH have always had a strained relationship. They don't get on at all.
DH and I are having councilling because he's relenting talking at me. He is kind and thoughtful but everything ends up his way as he talks so much at me I give in to stop him talking at me. I had a meeting with the councillor last week as she wanted to say how I am retreating into myself and no longer talking. Before the meeting, he sat me down and for half an hour explained what I must do and say in the meeting, or else it's pointless going. I got quite cross and unlike me turned around and said he was being patronising and I knew what the purpose was, he got cross and told me off. Anyway after the meeting this went on more, resulting in me going home with my daughter (the 2 year old).
He came home that evening telling me he was cross with my disrespectful behaviour.
The next day I had hospital appointment, after which he came home when I turned up, I had had a biopsy, wanted a cup of tea and a lay down. I went to the loo, he was in the sitting room hadn't said hello or anything, I put the kettle on, he walked in and said 'Are you not going to come and tell me what happened then?' In a real arsey way.
After the councillor telling me to stop being so wet (not her words) I actually laughed and he asked what I was laughing at, I said being told off again. To which he started ranting, to which I said 'I can't hear you (I couldn't) but I assume you're telling me off as you you seem to spend your life doing that.'
He shouted and stormed off. Comes back later when the 2 year is napping, I said i didn't want to talk, so he starts shouting and wakes her up then storms off again.

In the evening I was sorting DD birthday present she's 18, he summoned me into a room, he gave me some money for her present, I said it's fine I didn't want it right now.
I was making vouchers for driving lessons for her and putting them in a box, so it was a bit of something lovely to open rather than just an envelope with them in.
So he waited for me to go to bed, I had been up all night the previous night with a poorly 2 year old. He called DD to the sitting room gave her £300 in cash ( I had said we wouldn't do cash as that's crap for an 18 and she'd waste it and lessons would get booked). He said this is for you to have driving lessons. She was so happy thinking that he for once done something for her for her birthday.

But when she opened her present from me (and him) this morning the dawning realisation set in on her face and poor thing felt so awkward and apologised to me!

I am so angry he to that excitement from her and think he did it out of spite to me.

This is all since Wednesday by the way.

Aibu?

Sounds a right prick. I would show him the door quick smart.

Wow - your DD is more savvy than you are on this one.
No wonder she doesn't get one with him.
She sees her mother being bullied and controlled by him on a daily basis.
NOT a good example to bet setting her.
You've gone from one abusive relationship into another.
He sounds absolutely vile.
Please find your back bone.
You should never have stayed with him knowing he doesn't even get on with your DD, who was 10 at the time.
Poor girl.
You put a man over he well being!

Take back control of your own life.
This is an awful relationship.
An awful model of a relationship for your DD's
What would you do if they were with someone like your DH?
Who treated them the same way he treats you?
Because that is exactly what they are heading for if you don't do something about this and show them that women are strong and are NOT there to be controlled and abused.
Google 'the cycle of abuse'

Get in touch with Womens Aid.
Do their Freedom Programme quick sharp, and ask them to help you with an exit plan.
Also get the Lundy Bancroft book - Why does he do that!?' and you will no doubt find you hideously abuse 'D'H in there.

It's not too late to set your DD's a good example.
Do not delay. This will never improve.
If you need more practical advice and support then please post on the 'relationships' board.

And NEVER EVER EVER have joint counselling with an abuser.
Find your own private sessions but do NOT go with him again!
Sounds like this counsellor has the measure of him but she/he should have said straight away that they can no longer counsel you together!

Basically.
RUN - GET OUT GET OUT GET OUT - FAST!!!!!!!!

Thanks everyone for your thoughts advice and support, even criticism, even that's been kind.

I know I have been weak, I know I am afraid, terrified in fact. But I have been here before with him and keep coming here. I even said in one of the councilling sessions that I want a divorce, some how even that got twisted into me saying I meant it I don't want to be here but then I am sorry!

Small steps so far - I have written a list of all the things which are wrong - it's still growing. A list of the nice stuff he does (significantly shorter if I look at it critically) and what my fears are as to why I haven't left. This is a small in my pocket reminder when he starts going into one and manipulating my thoughts to keep me strong.

@ohfourfoxache thank you for those links, they have made me realise my situation won't be quite as horrendous as I thought they would be.

@Ennirem I have no advice for you my brain is mush at the moment. But try 2 sentences and that's it. Not great rambling sentences either one fact per sentence. He'll hear. Don't turn into the adults in Snoppy.

@PocketsForMe that's about right, ok for a few weeks but then something happens, which is something I have done wrong.

I am no saint I know I have got things wrong, but I have right to be happy, and I don't need his permission to be happy. If I am happy my kids will be too and thrive, they won't if I continue like this.

I'm sorry OP but for someone to watch you cutting up and creating special vouchers for your daughter and then to purposely pre-empt the surprise by just handing over the cash simply to spite you and rob you of the joy of giving a present to your DD.... this person you're living with doesn't even like you, let alone love you.

This man is controlling and emotionally abusive and you need to have a serious think about your life and your relationship with this man.

@awesmum yes you do deserve to be happy, you and your girls. I hope you find the strength to do this.

I honestly cant tell you how happy I am to be free of this and when I look back I honestly can’t believe how bad it got

I think the moment he started telling what you should and should not say in counselling has to be the moment you say 'enough'. This man is a controlling bastard. Get rid.

I don't understand why you married a man who didn't like your DD and forced her to tolerate an adult who doesn't like her throughout her formative years. It sounds like it was miserable for her and still is.

You see post after post here about adults who grew up with a step parent who didn't like them and how many issues it caused them.

I've also noticed a growing trend in posts from stepmums who hate their DSD and try and disguise it as legitimate grievance/concern on here lately

I guess I just don't understand why anyone would marry someone who not only didn't love their child but clearly never would even like them.

I know this is judgy and rubbish advice because the horse has very much bolted here.

And people generally post on "MN Posts I Hate Threads" the "Why did you marry this guy" posts as pointless and superior and I'm not trying to be either but it just BAFFLES me that the child's happiness wasn't more important

In the here and now it doesn't seem like this relationship works for anyone including him and everyone is miserable

Please end it, particularly if you hope to have a close relationship with your DGC - your daughter will be posting here about how she can't take her children to see her DM because her DMs husband, who she refuses to call stepdad hated her all their marriage and she doesn't want to expose her kids to him

Pointythings it was a 'Wow' moment for sure, and the rest of this has come off the back of that. The councillor had used the excuse to see me alone to discuss my relationship with my DD, when he said I had to be open so she could tell me where I was going wrong, was a cold bucket of sick tipped on me.
He's been saying I don't open up to him and tell him how I feel, to say I felt patronised to be then told I was disrespectful for saying how I felt, I can't win can I?

Two things jumped out at me.

Why does he know about
Wednesday's counselling appointment if it was only for you? Why would he question you about the biopsy when you had just got home?

It may be normal to discuss these things in a loving and supportive relationship, but it sounds that you're so beaten down and desperate for his attention that you've lost your boundaries.

He knows about councilling because normally it's couples councilling but she'd wanted to see me alone.
He questioned me about the biopsy when I got home because he wanted to know what happened, and if i was ok. But hadn't say hi or he'll when I walked it just expected me to come to him. Possibly petty on my part, but he always had to have me come to him. If he wants to speak it's there and then irrespective if I am doing ANYTHING else. He had already said as well he was cross with me for being disrespectful the day before.

Thank you for explaining that, OP. I hope things work out for you.

Possibly petty on my part, but he always had to have me come to him
No. You had the biopsy, he should be coming to you when you've got home, wondering how you are and wanting to be there for you.You should be the important one, he should be the support.
he said I had to be open so she could tell me where I was going wrong

LTB. That is definitely emotional abuse. I usually at most of the LTB, EA, controlling etc. comments on MN but this is definitely one where I'd say start the ball rolling. Get some single counselling to toughen yourself up for this, start sorting the finances & paperwork, and when you're ready do it. You'll have DD for support - you'll see each other through it. He's not going change, he's made that clear.

Now stop right there. You are NOT weak. If you were you wouldn’t have even got as far as counselling let alone getting to this point.

Terrified - yes. And that’s completely understandable. You’ve been ground down for so long that you don’t feel that you can trust yourself.

But you are not weak. You have immense strength. Recognise it, find it and use it. Because you’re going to need it.

Sounds like my ex. Manipulating, angry, self centred, gas lighting, emotional bully....hence why he is an ex. I got counselling and it made me realise what I was married to. It's emotionally exhausting being with someone like that. And honestly, you won't leave unless you find the strength, it doesn't matter what we say. You have to find it in you, you have to set up a home for you and your children. Because it's a long and tiring road leaving a narcissist.

I have spoken to my mum who was lost for words at how vindictive he was.
I did text him this morning not to come near nor text me, as I couldn't believe how vindictive, cruel and spiteful he'd been. I got 3 texts back, how I can't ban him from the house or children and how I need to get perspective as he's done nothing wrong - quite the opposite. All of which I have ignored, he has stayed away which is good, especially after yesterday and him ignoring my requests to leave me be and shouting at me. Now I have to deal with tomorrow and what he brings with that.

Well done op - keep going. Sometimes it's better to take one day at a time in these situations.

Please stay strong, don't let him use his words to alter your judgement! You can do this and you need to do this for your mental health and your family! Nobody deserves to be treated this way. He will try and charm you when he realises you mean it but look at the bigger picture. Your girls are the world to you and he shouldn't be bringing that down.

I would leave him. He sounds like a terrible person.

Dd18 and DH have always had a strained relationship. They don't get on at all

This jumped out at me more than anything.
Your poor DD being forced to live with someone who doesn't /didn't treat her properly. I would never in a million years enter into a relationship with someone who didn't treat my DC properly. Why did you marry this man when he quite clearly didn't like your child? I'm shocked.

You need to stop interacting with him OP. Texting and messaging is just poking the hornets nest. Stop hearing him now and diminish him in your mind. Get legal advice and get out. He's not your friend and he won't help you with this. This is a journey you make alone.

He treated your (then young) DD badly from the start and you still continued a relationship with him? And you're surprised he's treating you the same way?

I hope your DD has been offered some sort of counselling if she wants it.

Ironically I am laying in bed it's 3am doing the freedom course and he's turned up at the house, we leave the front door key in the door and he hasn't been able to get in. I am absolutely terrified, I don't think he'll get violent, I don't even think he'll talk at me, I just think I'll be horrible and I don't want him in here. It's been a lovely and peaceful evening, sitting in front of the tv with the kids- they aren't usually allowed/ encouraged / welcome in the sitting room (my other children) DD18 is out tonight as she's not allowed home if been drinking, yes on her birthday.
I am not saying this so much to tell you people but to write it down so I can see how truly shitty my life and my babies life's have become.
Anyway he didn't knock, and went away. I don't think he's been drinking, he isn't a big drinker. But I know there will be a repercussion, not entirely sure what form it will take, but I know I'll be in trouble.
What on earth have I let happen??

Dump the absolute shitkettle

*it'll be horrible

He is kind and thoughtful ... read what you wrote again, and really absorb it this time...

There is NOTHING "kind and thoughtful" about him.

Everything ends up his way as he talks so much at me I give in to stop him talking at me.

Before the meeting, he sat me down and for half an hour explained what I must do and say in the meeting, or else it's pointless going

He got cross and told me off … after the meeting this went on more, resulting in me going home with my daughter (the 2 year old).

He came home that evening telling me he was cross with my disrespectful behaviour.

The next day I had hospital appointment … was in the sitting room hadn't said hello or anything

He asked what I was laughing at, I said being told off again. To which he started ranting

He shouted and stormed off.

I said i didn't want to talk, so he starts shouting and wakes her up then storms off again

I am so angry he to that excitement from her and think he did it out of spite to me