To be absolutely furious

[awesmum]

A long one sorry

A bit of history, 'D'H and I have been together 8 years, have 1dd (2yrs) I have Dd (18). Dd18 and DH have always had a strained relationship. They don't get on at all.
DH and I are having councilling because he's relenting talking at me. He is kind and thoughtful but everything ends up his way as he talks so much at me I give in to stop him talking at me. I had a meeting with the councillor last week as she wanted to say how I am retreating into myself and no longer talking. Before the meeting, he sat me down and for half an hour explained what I must do and say in the meeting, or else it's pointless going. I got quite cross and unlike me turned around and said he was being patronising and I knew what the purpose was, he got cross and told me off. Anyway after the meeting this went on more, resulting in me going home with my daughter (the 2 year old).
He came home that evening telling me he was cross with my disrespectful behaviour.
The next day I had hospital appointment, after which he came home when I turned up, I had had a biopsy, wanted a cup of tea and a lay down. I went to the loo, he was in the sitting room hadn't said hello or anything, I put the kettle on, he walked in and said 'Are you not going to come and tell me what happened then?' In a real arsey way.
After the councillor telling me to stop being so wet (not her words) I actually laughed and he asked what I was laughing at, I said being told off again. To which he started ranting, to which I said 'I can't hear you (I couldn't) but I assume you're telling me off as you you seem to spend your life doing that.'
He shouted and stormed off. Comes back later when the 2 year is napping, I said i didn't want to talk, so he starts shouting and wakes her up then storms off again.

In the evening I was sorting DD birthday present she's 18, he summoned me into a room, he gave me some money for her present, I said it's fine I didn't want it right now.
I was making vouchers for driving lessons for her and putting them in a box, so it was a bit of something lovely to open rather than just an envelope with them in.
So he waited for me to go to bed, I had been up all night the previous night with a poorly 2 year old. He called DD to the sitting room gave her £300 in cash ( I had said we wouldn't do cash as that's crap for an 18 and she'd waste it and lessons would get booked). He said this is for you to have driving lessons. She was so happy thinking that he for once done something for her for her birthday.

But when she opened her present from me (and him) this morning the dawning realisation set in on her face and poor thing felt so awkward and apologised to me!

I am so angry he to that excitement from her and think he did it out of spite to me.

This is all since Wednesday by the way.

Aibu?

Dd18 and DH have always had a strained relationship. They don't get on at all. To be fair op, this should always have been a huge red flag for you.

I'm struggling to see where he's "kind and thoughtful" as described in your OP

OP, well done for standing your ground. It will make you stronger and it will take time, but you will be able to stand up to him further down the line. But you cannot reason with an emotional bully. He is kind and thoughtful - so that when he verbally strikes, you come off looking like the bad one and feeling like you are at fault, when you are not. Stay strong. As someone wisely said here, take one day at a time. It's exhausting but he is just hot air and empty threats. My ex husband was very sure of himself when we got divorced and nothing he threatened me with came to fruition. I'm not saying it will be that way for you, but just to show you that these type of people are just ugly and unsure of themselves and bring others down to make themselves feel better. The more time you spend away from him, the more you will see you have strength and you can stand on your own two feet and you can stand up to him. Good luck op, keep us posted?

Why are you with him? - @MrsMozart

This is just asking "why doesn't she leave" and is victim blaming.

There are many many reasons that women remain in abusive relationships, look up "why doesn't she leave" on google.

I don’t really understand why you didn’t take the money. - @Geraldine
Because it didn't fit in with her plan of what she wanted to do for her dd. She is under no obligation to take it from him when he demands she take it, just so he can feel superior over her.

Other than that, your entire post is focusing on op's behaviour, and not the abuse she is living with. Why are you so intent on op doing what "she is told" by him? Why should she be walking on egg shells to keep some kind of imaginary peace?

It sounds like you were both as bad as each other - @Geraldine
No, it actually doesn't.

"Dh" thus ensured that DD did not get anything new on her actual birthday, and that OP's present-giving was spoiled. - @ravenmum
Exactly! Nothing more than showing up her mum's effort. He was using dd to get at op, and proving he is in control.

And he always has the moral advantage because he wants what right for everyone.

Nope. He wants what is right for him.

You need to leave this man. Don't subject your children to his behaviour any longer.

“DD isn’t allowed Home if she’s been drinking”! Whose mental rule is this? It’s really cruel, and she could end up putting herself in risky situations if she isn’t allowed home. People are vulnerable when they’ve been drinking. Surely you’d want to know that she’s ok after a night out? This sounds seriously fucked up.

Who isn’t allowed in the sitting room?

“they aren't usually allowed/ encouraged / welcome in the sitting room (my other children) ”

I think it’s pointless to hammer st someone for staying with an awful partner for years except to blame them and make them feel bad... which isn’t very helpful or motivating to be honest.

I will say that it’s great you are realising how unpleasant this man is. He seems to control everything. Which is absolutely vile. Ugh!

I'm also confused about the sitting room situation. Which children do you mean?

differentnameforthis Nope. Not victim blaming. Asking a question, i.e. what is good about this man, what is it that has made you stay with him.

You're not being unreasonable. He's a spiteful bully.

I’m not going to try and make you feel like shit here because I’m sure you feel bad enough. But PLEASE allow your DD home when she has been drinking, it’s her home, it should be a safe place for her.

I’m glad you are starting to see the light and I know how horrible it can feel when the realisation dawns on you that you have been abused for many years. You feel lost at sea. You start questioning everything you thought was right and realised how much of your life was a lie.

It’s really scary but there is only one person who can change this situation and that is you. Leaving him will be the best thing you ever do.

There will be lots of MNers here to hold your hand and help you through the process. Many of us have unfortunately been through similar before.

That nice relaxed feeling you had last night watching TV with the kids, that can be your LIFE. The nasty, heavy, oppressive atmosphere won’t be there anymore.

But now is the difficult bit, planning to leave and actually doing it. He’s an absolute manipulative bully and will try every trick in the book to stop you and make the process as hard as possible. He will try and make you feel guilty, tell you that you are destroying the ‘family’ and ruining your children’s lives (even though you are doing the opposite).

But now you are seeing him for what he is. Interactions need to be short and factual, businesslike. Don’t get caught up in his mind games and control tactics.

You CAN do this

DD was staying at her best friends last night, but not the point would have loved her to get ready at home and have them all back here, but wasn't to be.
I am currently feeling an enormous amount of guilt, how did I let it get this far, I feel guilt for my kids, guilt for him, I don't doubt he doesn't understand what's going on. I am normally such a doormat and a yes man.
I am desperately nervous of saying anything or having any contact with him. I did say I wanted a divorce in a councilling session about 6 weeks ago and it got lost in the she's done this and that. The councillor even said don't say things you don't mean or can't take back I said 'I'm not!'.
I am going to have to deal with it I know, he's going to need his things, he'll want to see the children. Both little 2 are ill (one ours, one mine) but he views as his.

The sitting room thing - he likes his 'own space' toddler watch toddler rubbish on telly is fine, but once I put her to bed that's it. The bigger children disappear once he's home. And I go to bed when I put the Todd to bed, just to be out of the way. He does say he wants me to come and watch tv with him, but I tend to read rather than watch tv which he finds distracting and wants me to watch with him.

He and DD didn't always not get on but since she's become a teenager they've not, I think it's where she's developed her own thoughts and feelings and is making up her own mind.

What I like about him - he's great with the littlest 2, he's even good with DS but on his terms. He does want them to do well and achieve good things in their lives - but not allowed to make mistakes or express opinions or frustrations. He can be generous, and he can think in a direct and thoughtful manner, I can be scatter brained about things sometimes. We've had some good times. But it's never relaxed. I am always on edge, the kids too.

I used to really out going and have lots of friends over, go out etc, I have been out 2 times in the last 24 months. The friends have gone, the family has gone - he says it's because they aren't happy with me moving on and improving myself that they wanted to pigeonhole me as to what they thought I was.

On my birthday (months ago) we went out for dinner with 2 other couples- his friends. I'd had a glass or 2 of wine and let my hair down a bit, wasn't loud or rude but relaxed I would say, I said something, can't for the life of me remember what it was, didn't even know then, but he gave me a look. And I just shrank. We talked about it a while after, he acknowledged doing it, he even said he hated it happening - my reaction. But no apology. Retrospectively that wasn't right.

I really sound like a self serving cry baby don't I.

What jumped out at me was he seems to treat and talk down to you like you are he 18 year old that he doesn't get on with. That's not a relationship.

You don't sound like that OP. You sound like an unhappy woman who is being bullied.
You sound like a woman who is coming to terms with her reality and starting to process what she needs to do.

Your poor DD. Not allowed in her own home if she had a night out and he deliberately ruined her birthday. He did that to hurt you but the bonus was he got to destroy any joy she had over her gift too.

Of course he is better with the others they are his aren't they?

You need counselling which you don't tell him about to figure out how to get away from this man.

OP, you don’t sound like a self-serving cry baby. You sound like someone who is desperately unhappy and is coming to the realisation that this is caused by your H. There are so many things in your posts that you write as if they’re your fault, but they’re caused by him. The talking at you for hours, telling you what to say at counselling, deliberately spoiling your daughter’s birthday present, the living room rules, wanting you to watch tv (but you must watch what he wants, don’t read a book as it puts him off watching his programme), losing contact with your friends and friends, saying you have “improved” (has he encouraged you to do things to “improve” ie “you’re not quite good enough to be my wife...unless you do as I say”?), the always being tense when he’s around. Why could he get the £300 quickly but you couldn’t? Do you have shared finances? You mentioned that your previous relatoinship was abusive too. You don’t need to answer, but how was your parents’ relationship? It sounds like you might benefit from some counselling for just you, ie not marriage counselling but a re-tune for you emotionally so you can heal yourself. It sounds like you’ve decided what you’re going to do. If you need advice on leaving or support on leaving an abusive relationship then the Relationships Board is full of very knowledgeable ladies.

Definitely don't sound self serving. Sounds like you're coming into your own. It'll take a little while but you will get to a peaceful life.

I'd bet money he'll only be great with the youngest two until they get older. Once they start to develop their own free will, once he no longer has absolute control over them he will turn. You've already described how he did that with your eldest, there's no logical reason to think they'll fare any better.

"I really sound like a self serving cry baby don't I."

No, you sound like the victim of an abuser who hasn't yet realised just what a vile, controlling bastard you're living with.

Just checking in with you OP are you ok?

Thanks for asking. Doing ok, jumping every time a car pulls up. He's not been back since 3am and not heard anything from him. The calm before the storm I imagine.

I can't tell him over the phone nor in person. Is it wrong to say in a text that our marriage is over I want a divorce. It feels such a crap thing to do. But I don't seem to have a choice. Any thought people?

I would say do it whatever way works for you. It's the next step so do it however you need to.

He's an utter fucker op. Wishing you all the strength you need to get him out of your life.

He told you what you were to say to your counsellor? Seriously?

He sounds like a controlling twat who wants what he wants and will force everyone else to go along with it. No wonder your daughter doesn't get along with him.