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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

to ask my close friends to keep my secret from their husbands?

91 replies

MyKitchenIsATip · 20/09/2018 08:34

I have written a book, a fantasy novel, with some fairly graphic sex scenes in it.

My three friends really want to read it. I'm apprehensive, because of the sex (some people can be funny about it even when warned in advance). I'm hoping to get the book published one day, so don't mind people I don't know reading it (or beta readers, or other writers, etc). Having friends and family read it fills me with dread, though.

Whilst I can just about stomach the prospect of my three closest female friends reading it (I think - I'm still a bit unsure as to how they'll react), what I do know is that I DON'T want their husbands reading it. If nothing else, they'll take the piss (they are very funny people, but they do take the piss and they're not exactly sensitive). I just don't want to have to deal with that. Is it reasonable to ask that my friends keep both my novel and the fact that they have it from their husbands? My friends are starting to get a bit frustrated with me because I haven't given it to them yet.

Another reason I don't want the husbands reading it: the more people who have read it, the more likely it is that my work colleagues will find out (which would be a DISASTER). Unfortunately, my friendship group is a bit incestuous in that my close friends are good friends with some of my work colleagues. It's all a bit... risky.

In an ideal world, I'd just not give the novel to my friends, but writing is such a big part of my life now and I'm worried that they will get upset with me eventually (as it is, I can see that they are frustrated and a bit hurt that I haven't handed it over to them yet).

AIBU? WWYD?

OP posts:
sofato5miles · 20/09/2018 08:37

YABU. Just own it. The secret will out any way.

MilkTwoSugarsThanks · 20/09/2018 08:39

Well personally I wouldn't have written something that would embarrass me. I mean, seriously, why would you do that?

What I would do in your current situation is bin the whole lot and write something I could hold my head up about to my friends, their husbands, work colleagues, et al.

thecatsthecats · 20/09/2018 08:40

I write too - some sex, but nothing kinky really. I would do the following:

Explain exactly as you have here what you're worried about. Ask them to read the book, not ask them to lie about it (they could be brief about this - "What're you reading?" - "Oh, Kitchen's let me read her book, I'm just trying it out for her.", not to tell their husbands the details, or let them read it, and ask for the copies back once they've read them.

I think being frank, unashamed and clear about the dificulties you worry about is the way here. They won't think you're silly if you're clear about the risks.

NoSquirrels · 20/09/2018 08:41

Well, the aim of writing is to be read, so in a sense you need to get over this quickly because if you ARE published you’d need to know give a fuck pretty quickly (or publish u see a pseudonym).

On the other hand, unless your friends are all fantasy enthusiasts and usually choose that sort of book to read, I wouldn’t give it to then. Friends and family are often TERRIBLE choices for an objective opinion.

It doesn’t matter if they want to read it now. Just tell them you’d like to keep it under wraps until you have a publisher. They’ll get over it. I certainly wouldn’t hand it over with any conditions or making them promise - it’s bound to go wrong somehow and spoil a friendship.

Flowers good luck!

ScoobyGangMember · 20/09/2018 08:43

Don't let any of them read it then, and publish under a pseudonym.

thecatsthecats · 20/09/2018 08:44

Milk - have you ever written a book?

As I say, mine has little sex in it. None of the characters represent real people. But it is still a hugely personal piece of work. There is a piece of me in every character.

Am I embarrased by my books? No! I'm proud. But the idea of someone reading them still makes my skin crawl - what if they savaged my literary "baby"? Even if they didn't say so to my face?

I have tried writing a well written book that's impersonal - something I would have no problem with anyone reading, and the process is boring and the result on a different - poorer - level than my real works.

steppemum · 20/09/2018 08:46

once they read it, it is out, and the story will come out.

With regard to your work colleague, is this a disaster until it is published? or will continue to be disaster. becuase at some point they will find out.

So, choices are:

  1. accept you will get feedback for a while, but they will get over it, own what you have written, let them read it.
  2. Not allow anyone you know to read it until it is published. Then you have to own the story, or publish under a pseudonym, and not let anyone know.

Anything between the two is a time bomb waiting to explode.

Original poster
MyKitchenIsATip · 20/09/2018 08:46

MilkTwoSugarsThanks - I'm proud and happy with what I've written, but not everyone is cool / reacts well where sex is concerned. It's... complicated.

NoSquirrels - totally agree that friends and family are terrible for giving objective opinions.

thecatsthecats - I think you're onto something. Be honest, but ask they don't give it to the husband to read. I know if the shoe were on the other foot, I wouldn't bat an eyelid (and would be happy to comply).

I do absolutely plan on publishing under a pseudonym!!!!

OP posts:
MilkTwoSugarsThanks · 20/09/2018 08:48

thecats - no I haven't, why?

Would you write something you were so embarrassed about you didn't want people you knew reading it?

ShirleyPhallus · 20/09/2018 08:49

Get them to tell their husbands it’s some soppy historical romance set in the 1900s in south west England then they’ll have no desire to ask any other questions or read it or even mention it ever again

Original poster
MyKitchenIsATip · 20/09/2018 08:49

thecatsthecats - YES! This is exactly how I feel. I feel so understood! And writing something that is impersonal and not in any way vulnerable is boring.

OP posts:
MilkTwoSugarsThanks · 20/09/2018 08:50

MilkTwoSugarsThanks - I'm proud and happy with what I've written,

Then own it! Hold your head up high!

ImFreeToDoWhatIWant · 20/09/2018 08:52

You can ask and if they love and respect you and your friendship they should agree not to share it. But in the real world they almost certainly will. So either the risk is acceptable to you or it isn't. If it isn't your simply cannot allow them to read it, especially if it would adversely affect your professional working life.

dudsville · 20/09/2018 08:52

I don't think it's ok to ask one spouse to keep a secret from the other spouse. Even if it's harmless. Good relationships define the boundaries and conduct of that relationship for themselves. I think you can enquire about what their spouses will know but you can't ask.

Tawdrylocalbrouhaha · 20/09/2018 08:52

YANBU to ask them, but the reality is they will immediately tell theor husbands.

Original poster
MyKitchenIsATip · 20/09/2018 08:55

Tawdry - I did think that, but I almost don't mind if I don't know, and they keep it completely secret...

OP posts:
SoupDragon · 20/09/2018 08:55

If they’re good friends, be upfront and explain exactly why you don’t want them to let their husbands read it. I’m not sure I’d even want close friends to read it really though! (Not that I’ve ever written anything)

Original poster
MyKitchenIsATip · 20/09/2018 08:57

MilkTwoSugarsThanks - I appreciate the sentiment, I really do, but I don't think it's that simple. People are funny when it comes to sex. I mean, I could brazen it out. I'm not sure I'm there yet, though. It's a big ask.

OP posts:
Ragwort · 20/09/2018 09:00

There is no way they won't mention it to their husbands, it could be in a 'isn't this a great book that MyKitchen has written' sort of way or sniggering at the sex scenes (sorry, but be honest, isn't that what people do?).

I think all you can do is just backtrack, say your Publisher/creative writing adviser/whoever needs you to do more work on it or that you have decided not to finish it.

Seriously, I agree with others, if you really don't want anyone you know to read it why did you mention it to your friends Confused, just write your novel and publish under a pseudonym.

ShirleyPhallus · 20/09/2018 09:00

I don't think it's ok to ask one spouse to keep a secret from the other spouse. Even if it's harmless.

Really disagree with this

mummyhaschangedhername · 20/09/2018 09:00

So are you wanting them to read for feedback? Or wanting them to read because they are your closet friends?

If you want honest feedback just give it to a few Anonymous people. I'm sure people here would be willing to read it, I would, although it's not my usual genre.

The biggest factor is how well written it is? As in spelling, grammar and formatting. If that's fine than the content is going to appeal to some and not others.

Personally, I would not give it to friends, but more because I have been asked to proof read things for friends and it's awkward to say to someone it seems like a primary school child has written it. Which unfortunately many amazon published friend authors have come across like. If you want honest feedback, go anonymous.

Juells · 20/09/2018 09:07

HRTFT but I wouldn't let my friends read it. When doing anything creative you need a huge level of belief in yourself, and in the idea you're working on. If you get negative feedback from your friends, or if they laugh at it, it will kill your enjoyment in the writing. I'm sure there are online forums where writers give each other crits from a technical POV, it's worth seeking out one specifically for fantasy writers.

I'm a big fantasy fan, which writers do you like? I'm into Hobb (naturally!) but also read a lot of self-published books.

Threehoursfromhome · 20/09/2018 09:10

Can you do an expunged version for them? Or pick a couple of chapters which aren't graphic and go down the route of 'it's these parts I'd really like feedback on. I'm not sure if they work?'

ThanosSavedMe · 20/09/2018 09:14

Lie. Tell them you’ve reread it and it’s terrible so you destroyed it. Then carry on with trying to get it published. Once done, then you can say it’s yours!

TheMaddHugger · 20/09/2018 09:15

I'm so sorry OP, I read then LMAO.

And giggles

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