to ask my close friends to keep my secret from their husbands?

[MyKitchenIsATip]

I have written a book, a fantasy novel, with some fairly graphic sex scenes in it.

My three friends really want to read it. I'm apprehensive, because of the sex (some people can be funny about it even when warned in advance). I'm hoping to get the book published one day, so don't mind people I don't know reading it (or beta readers, or other writers, etc). Having friends and family read it fills me with dread, though.

Whilst I can just about stomach the prospect of my three closest female friends reading it (I think - I'm still a bit unsure as to how they'll react), what I do know is that I DON'T want their husbands reading it. If nothing else, they'll take the piss (they are very funny people, but they do take the piss and they're not exactly sensitive). I just don't want to have to deal with that. Is it reasonable to ask that my friends keep both my novel and the fact that they have it from their husbands? My friends are starting to get a bit frustrated with me because I haven't given it to them yet.

Another reason I don't want the husbands reading it: the more people who have read it, the more likely it is that my work colleagues will find out (which would be a DISASTER). Unfortunately, my friendship group is a bit incestuous in that my close friends are good friends with some of my work colleagues. It's all a bit... risky.

In an ideal world, I'd just not give the novel to my friends, but writing is such a big part of my life now and I'm worried that they will get upset with me eventually (as it is, I can see that they are frustrated and a bit hurt that I haven't handed it over to them yet).

AIBU? WWYD?

Op - I think it is important that you keep your writing private until you feel ready to share. Your friends might not understand that fully but they should recognise that on this topic your feelings take precedence over their curiosity.

Juells - you are probably right! I paid for a writing course and an informal writing group emerged when it finished. A few of them are very experienced writers with knowledge of the industry. I know they think carefully before reviewing and generally when they pick on an issue it will have already been on my mind. It has been invaluable.

I wouldn't let them have copies. You don't owe it to them.
And frankly, if the friendship founders over this, what the fuck was it actually based on?

I am a professional writer. My advice is:

1. If you want a second opinion/constructive criticism, pay a professional (not a friend) to read it for you and give their assessment.
2. Develop the habit of not talking about your writing to anyone apart from professional colleagues, before it's published. That way, you keep control of the material and you don't risk a half-baked opinion (or misleading trying-to-be-nice praise) influencing your view of your own work.
3. Publish under a pseudonym. Masses of professional writers do this. It doesn't mean you don't own/are not proud of your work. It just means you want a degree of privacy about what you do and you don't want to encourage your nearest and dearest to try to see themselves in your characters and thus get angry or fall victim to any other inappropriate emotions.

For this current situation, now that you've told your friends what you are working on and got them all worked up, I would agree with ThanosSavedMe: tell them you've decided to chuck it and don't say another word about it till published.

It's difficult if you can't just give them a chapter and keep them happy.
Like others, I am surprised they are being so insistent, however I think you have to fob them off and take the risk of annoying them. Not because of the possibility of their husband's piss-taking but beecause of the work angle.

But it does depend what you mean by disaster. If you mean 'embarassing and would get the mick taken out of me' that's one thing. If it's more on a level with - 'I'm a teacher/ social worker/other profession which has to fulfill certain 'good character' requirements and the sex scenes are of a nature where I could face formal censure if they were linked with me,' that's clearly another. I think that is more of a possibility if you are based in the US, but I have seen reports of it happening.

Once it's out there, it's gone. You can never be sure where it will end up.

Yeah I doubt they'd keep it secret. I probably wouldn't . I'd show it to my husband and make him promise not to let on!

Lie. Say you've changed your mind and scrapped the whole thing. You need to do a total rewrite. If there's any chance this is going to embarrass you - and from what you say there is every chance - don't expose yourself to it. Especially if you'd use a pseudonym anyway. There is something about their eagerness to read it and attitude toward you that suggests to me they know sex scenes are coming?

You say you don't need their input particularly, and I don't blame you. After my know-it-all ex insisted on reading what I'd written, I copied the first chapter of a Margaret Atwood novel into a notebook and gave it to him. He read it, then said unconvincingly "It might have potential..." I'm glad I didn't give him my writing! Keep it away from them.

I've had so many more replies to this than I thought I would, I can hardly keep up - thank you!! And how exciting to have other novelists on this thread.

Your replies have given me a lot to think about. Lying is an option (I don't know why I didn't think of it - brilliant idea!). Asking them to keep my secret is another (albeit riskier) option. I clearly have a way to go on the 'developing a thicker skin' front. I do think having the validation of a publisher (assuming I get one!) will help with the possible shame / terror of sharing something that feels so personal.

I write under a nom de plume and I don't tell anyone irl anything at all. I used disguised snippets from my life and anything I hear that grabs my attention. I do my very best to make the snippet anonymous but I just wouldn't give anyone irl any signposts.

@eniledam

That sounds like a wise move. A writer I follow - and whose books I love - has twice won big competitions with 'a publishing deal' as first prize, both times it was rubbish, they took his rights and didn't promote the books at all 😡

www.goodreads.com/author/show/5148268.Michael_McClung

After my know-it-all ex insisted on reading what I'd written, I copied the first chapter of a Margaret Atwood novel into a notebook and gave it to him. He read it, then said unconvincingly "It might have potential..."

Did you ever tell him?

I do think having the validation of a publisher (assuming I get one!) will help with the possible shame / terror of sharing something that feels so personal.

I entered the first short story I wrote for a radio competition, I was just divorced so it was all angst and brooding and absolutely identifiable as being autobiographical. Didn't expect to get anywhere, then to my horror I was asked to come in and read the story on air, as I was a finalist 😲😲😲 I had to pull the story from the competition, and learned a valuable lesson - don't write anything personal under your own name. I know some people are brave enough to not care about baring their souls, but my soul has never been bared since then.

Honestly, I think you are letting them bully you and you should be tougher with them.

Tell them you won't show them because you know they'll show their husbands. Tell them that when a publisher accepts it, you'll let them read it. They can't give you any useful advice and by showing their husbands they'll embarrass you and hinder your progress.

Like many on this thread, I'm a published writer and I've found nothing shuts people up like saying, "Well, the editor at Publishing House really liked it."

I want a nom de plume!

Lying does seem a good option here!

Sharing and them keeping a secret isn’t an option - they won’t.

You don’t owe them any explanation! Another option would be Assertiveness and broken record technique.

Keep pushing it forward. "I'm re-writing at the moment, I'll let you have it once it's finished." "No, still re-writing." "Sorry, got side-lined so not finished yet."

It's not fair to ask your friends to keep something secret from their husbands. You're only likely to be upset if you were to find out they had shared the book with their husbands (based on your previous posts).

So in my opinion you should let your friends know that you are too embarrassed for them to read it at that stage, but that you'll let them know if that changes.

Why lie?

Why lie?

Because her friends are pushy.