to ask my close friends to keep my secret from their husbands?

[MyKitchenIsATip]

I have written a book, a fantasy novel, with some fairly graphic sex scenes in it.

My three friends really want to read it. I'm apprehensive, because of the sex (some people can be funny about it even when warned in advance). I'm hoping to get the book published one day, so don't mind people I don't know reading it (or beta readers, or other writers, etc). Having friends and family read it fills me with dread, though.

Whilst I can just about stomach the prospect of my three closest female friends reading it (I think - I'm still a bit unsure as to how they'll react), what I do know is that I DON'T want their husbands reading it. If nothing else, they'll take the piss (they are very funny people, but they do take the piss and they're not exactly sensitive). I just don't want to have to deal with that. Is it reasonable to ask that my friends keep both my novel and the fact that they have it from their husbands? My friends are starting to get a bit frustrated with me because I haven't given it to them yet.

Another reason I don't want the husbands reading it: the more people who have read it, the more likely it is that my work colleagues will find out (which would be a DISASTER). Unfortunately, my friendship group is a bit incestuous in that my close friends are good friends with some of my work colleagues. It's all a bit... risky.

In an ideal world, I'd just not give the novel to my friends, but writing is such a big part of my life now and I'm worried that they will get upset with me eventually (as it is, I can see that they are frustrated and a bit hurt that I haven't handed it over to them yet).

AIBU? WWYD?

Ignore MilkTwoSugarsThanks - it shows a spectacular lack of imagination and understanding if she can’t understand that you can be simultaneously proud of a piece of work and terrified about the reactions of those around you. I’ve written a book and while I would have no issue with a stranger reading it, I haven’t even let my husband see it. It feels like baring too much of your soul.

I think it’s absolutely fine to tell your friends you don’t want their husbands to read it. Tell them why - that showing it to them takes a lot of trust, and you aren’t ready to extend it any further yet.

Congratulations - it takes a lot to write a book! Lots of people think they have a novel in them but very few get that novel out of them!

I think it's reasonable to ask your friends not to let their husbands read it and explain you're a bit embarrassed about the sex scenes. But you mustn't make them promise or anything like that - just ask as a favour.

I think it's very very likely that at least one friend will ignore your request and show their husband - but at least it she knows you didn't want him to see it, he won't be able to mention it and take the piss!

Either you have to own it, and be out and proud, or you have to publish under a pen-name and never, ever tell anyone you know what that is. If you use a pen-name, you could tell your friends and family that you have decided to stop writing, and never mention your writing to them again. If you go for a middle way, and try to get friends to keep it secret, it WILL get out.

I'm a writer, so I know how you feel (especially about sex scenes). Unfortunately there's only one way to get past this barrier, and that's to take a deep breath and share. Some things you can say if anyone gives you hassle about it:

• Sex is a part of life. It's not weird to write about it. Only children think "ha ha, you know about sex" is funny.
• Sex scenes are an expected part of the modern fantasy genre (thanks, George RR Martin). Writers are expected to include it.
• Writers make stuff up, ideally for a living. Not everything we write about is true. We also don't own dragons, have wings or kill people with swords.
• Hmmm, you seem to want to talk quite a lot about this one scene in particular...did you read it one-handed by any chance?

Also, work colleagues are far more likely to be impressed and envious that you've written a novel than bothered that some of the characters have sex. I'm speaking from personal experience in several workplaces.

Also also, if (or when) your book's published, I promise you'll go from "I can't stand anyone who knows me to read my book" to "why aren't all my friends supporting me by reading my book" pretty quickly! The awful truth is that people are hardly ever as interested as we want them to be.

Well done on finishing! That's an awesome achievement and already puts you in about the top 1% of everyone who ever starts. Best of luck for the next phase!

And when you're published, come back to this thread and let us know, because personally I really enjoy Fantasy novels, I think a well-written sex scene is a thing of beauty and a joy for ever, and I'd love to read it.

Reading this with lots of interest! I'm in a similar position OP - I've written a trilogy of fantasy books (with some sex scenes) and I didn't want anyone I knew to read them. Strangers on the internet and around the world - absolutely fine. But friends and family? -shudders-

Eventually, my boyfriend let slip to his family. And of course, they ALL ordered copies. I was lucky in that his mum and aunties are big readers, and they absolutely loved them. (They wanted to ask me about all the tiny details, plotlines and characters throughout all 3 books so I knew they weren't just pretending! His mum did ask me while laughing if the sex scenes were based on my own experiences though which was MORTIFYING.)

His other family members don't really read, but they were curious. Fantasy is definitely not their thing, so I didn't get offended when they told me they hadn't really read past the first few pages.

I'd take the plunge and give it to your friends. Even if their husbands take the piss, what have they achieved compared to you? You've created a whole new fantasy world! Finishing a book is a huge accomplishment in itself. Being a writer means opening yourself up to critique, even when it's scary. Your friends might not like it. They might love it. But the most important thing is that you believe in your writing.

I wouldn't give them the book right now.

I'd find out if they are likely to get published, if not, there's no reason for them to read it ever unless you really want their feedback, and I don't think they would be great critics anyway as friends rarely are.

I get asked to read stuff out of work and always say no now. Out of the 5 times I've read stuff for friends and acquaintances, not once was it publishable. I don't want to get into the tangles of explaining this to people so now I just decline.

OP, if your book does get published then doubtless everyone will read it anyway. Are you worried about the sex, or are you worried that people might laugh at it, or laugh at you? Is it that you want affirmation from other writers and a publisher that it’s good before friends read it? I know the feeling, I hate showing my writing to non-literary people first because they might say it’s great when it’s actually crap, or they might not get it and I’ll be disheartened, when it’s actually quite good. This of course is nonsense though, because when you hand over a text, it then becomes the property of the reader, and their interpretation is equally as valid as yours, and each reader will have a different reaction. I’d say let your friends read it, but ask them not to share at the moment if you’re uncomfortable about it. You’ll have to hand it over to other readers at some point, and people you trust are probably the best place to start.

Ooh fantasy writers in this thread!
eniledam did you self-publish or get published commercially? I really like the fact that the fantasy genre is so vibrant with self-published books. I follow the SPFBO every year, and buy quite a few of them (I devour fantasy books, about ten a month, so it's difficult to find new ones all the time).

I don't really like sex scenes in fantasy, but that's me, others may love them. I'm a Joe Abercrombie fan but his occasional sex scenes make me shudder 🤣

'Either you have to own it, and be out and proud, or you have to publish under a pen-name and never, ever tell anyone you know what that is.'

Yes and as it's causing you so much angst just do the latter. Change the subject if they keep asking about it or say you're redoing it. Repeat until they get bored of asking.

You know what they say - if you want to keep a secret - keep it to yourself. I too have written a book - a memoir. It's under a pseudonym but only close friends and family know about it, yet.

I wish you luck with getting it published - it's a very competitive world out there.

As one or two other people have mentioned, I'd be entirely transparent and honest with your female friends about your worries. Point out that writing a book is very personal for you, and something you're still sensitive about. Mention that you don't want it to affect your relationships with your coworkers or social circle. Indicate that letting them read the book is an act of trust on your part, and a show of how much you love them and value their opinions, and you hope they can reciprocate that love and trust by treating the book as you want it to be treated i.e. not distributed to all and sundry at this point in time.

Paraphrase that however you like, wrap it up in tea and pass it out with a smile.

Oh, and redact the title if you haven't told them it already. So people can't order copies of it or search for it until you want them to.

If you don't want it read by friends and family then dear god use a pen name

What’s the point of writing a book if you don’t want people reading it? Attention seeking perhaps?

I agree with Steppemum

If you share, you've lost all control. You need to be fully prepared for that before you let your genie out of its bottle. Genie release is not incremental.

It's like lending things to friends. You know they're good people. They really do intend to give it back. They'd be willing to replace it if damaged. The reality is you don't get things back, or they come back damaged with a passive 'of course I'll replace it if you want me to?'. Likewise, once this leaves your ownership, you cannot get it back.

To understand people's thinking on sharing or not sharing secrets (however trivial, or uncomfortable for a third party) with spouses, read the many threads here on that topic. It's a straight half / half split. Both types believe very deeply that they are right, honourable and the other lot are shocking.

Wendigowoman

What’s the point of writing a book if you don’t want people reading it? Attention seeking perhaps?

Horrible thing to say. Some humans have an urge to be creative, it isn't about seeking attention. Are potters attention seeking? What about painters? Sculptors? Musicians?

I have written some short books that I wouldn't want anyone to read because of the fantasy /erotica content. I published under a pseudonym and told NO ONE. It's just a little secret between me and Amazon I didn't tell my best friend who I normally confide everything in, because I knew she wouldn't be able to resist telling her dh. Once one person knows, the cat's out of the bag and there's no getting it back. I would be back-pedalling furiously and never speak of your book with them again. It WILL get back to your colleagues if you let these friends read it.

On the other hand, unless your friends are all fantasy enthusiasts and usually choose that sort of book to read, I wouldn’t give it to then. Friends and family are often TERRIBLE choices for an objective opinion.

It doesn’t matter if they want to read it now. Just tell them you’d like to keep it under wraps until you have a publisher. They’ll get over it. I certainly wouldn’t hand it over with any conditions or making them promise - it’s bound to go wrong somehow and spoil a friendship.

This. I'm a novelist, and I'm the first reader for a friend who is also a novelist -- I read her stuff before her agent and editor do, and vice versa, and it's a relationship which needs to include total trust in the other person's literary knowledge and judgement, AND a tricky combination of brute honesty and tact.

I have had to tell her that a novel she's spent a year writing simply doesn't work her agent insisted on seeing it, but agreed, and my friend junked it or that the fact that she wants the two main characters in another novel to split up at the end is only going not be a total gloomfest if the new life her heroine is committed to is made much more vivid for the reader.

She's had to say 'Those revisions you've just spent months on make the whole last 40,000 words overworked -- the earlier version was better'.

And we're still friends, and trust one another's judgement. This is because we know one another's work very well, we're both obsessive readers and very well-read in the genres we both write in, and we're able to explain clearly why something doesn't work, and sometimes make suggestions for solutions.

To come back to you, OP, I would be very careful who I let read work in progress, if you are serious about it. Unless these friends are experienced and articulate readers of fantasy, and you trust their judgement as readers,I wouldn't. If you're looking for a skilled and objective editorial read before submitting to agents, there are better ways of doing it.

Good luck!

Get it published/self publish first - rightly or wrongly it will legitimise what goes on in your head

If you want useful feedback you'd be better off joining a writing group as they will look at it with a dispassionate view.

If you really don't want your friends to read it, don't tell them you've written it.
Lie. Tell them you've changed your mind, its not a good book and you've deleted it. Then join a writers group.

Just self publish and be done with it . And move on to the next

@mummyhaschangedhername - I don't need beta readers (I have those, professional ones). I'd only be letting them read it because they've asked and it seems mean / unfair to not let them, given how I've talked about the writing process to them. And I honestly think it could become a bone of contention in our friendship.

I actually had EXACTLY the same thing happen and it culminated in someone sending a smutty extract to my boss on our work general contact email address available on our company website. I still don't know whether it was a prank that people didn't think through or a friend told a friend told someone who apparently REALLY doesn't like me.

For what it's worth I got through it at work and people were better about it than I thought they would be, but now I'm 'Gruff who writes the sexy stuff' and to be perfectly honest while I try and laugh it off and brazen it out in a 'there's nothing wrong with it' sort of a way, if I had my time again I think I just wouldn't have told anyone. I retired my pseudonym after the whole debacle and now write quietly under a different name and only my husband knows about it.

I totally get the urge to want to talk about it, not wanting to feel ashamed of doing it and yet being nervous about it.

Congratulations on getting the book to this stage!

Threehoursfromhone - they've had several chapters from me (none with sex in). They want the whole thing now.

“My friends are starting to get a bit frustrated with me because I haven't given it to them yet.”

It doesn’t sound like you particularly want their opinion on it. Just that they are pressuring you and feel they have a right to read it.

You don’t have to share it. You can tell them “no” and that there is a reason you publish under a pseudonym. You don’t feel comfortable with your friends unable to separate your private life with your professional writing and you sure as hell don’t want their husbands taking the piss, like they’re sure to do.

Notonthestairs

If you want useful feedback you'd be better off joining a writing group as they will look at it with a dispassionate view.

You may have had better luck with writing groups, but I found them useless. My experience was a bunch of people sitting around reading out endless self-indulgent rambling shite and everyone warned at the start of each meeting to offer only 'constructive criticism'. 'Constructive criticism' is useful only if those offering it know what they're talking about.