to ask my close friends to keep my secret from their husbands?

[MyKitchenIsATip]

I have written a book, a fantasy novel, with some fairly graphic sex scenes in it.

My three friends really want to read it. I'm apprehensive, because of the sex (some people can be funny about it even when warned in advance). I'm hoping to get the book published one day, so don't mind people I don't know reading it (or beta readers, or other writers, etc). Having friends and family read it fills me with dread, though.

Whilst I can just about stomach the prospect of my three closest female friends reading it (I think - I'm still a bit unsure as to how they'll react), what I do know is that I DON'T want their husbands reading it. If nothing else, they'll take the piss (they are very funny people, but they do take the piss and they're not exactly sensitive). I just don't want to have to deal with that. Is it reasonable to ask that my friends keep both my novel and the fact that they have it from their husbands? My friends are starting to get a bit frustrated with me because I haven't given it to them yet.

Another reason I don't want the husbands reading it: the more people who have read it, the more likely it is that my work colleagues will find out (which would be a DISASTER). Unfortunately, my friendship group is a bit incestuous in that my close friends are good friends with some of my work colleagues. It's all a bit... risky.

In an ideal world, I'd just not give the novel to my friends, but writing is such a big part of my life now and I'm worried that they will get upset with me eventually (as it is, I can see that they are frustrated and a bit hurt that I haven't handed it over to them yet).

AIBU? WWYD?

If you don't want them to tell their husbands or share it with them, then the only way to ensure that happens is to not give them the book. It will only become a big issue in your friendship if you make it one. Honestly, no-one is that interested that they'll ruin a friendship over it and I say that as a writer .
There's nothing to be gained from giving them the book and quite a lot to be lost since it has the potential to cause arguments with their DPs; and the potential to get back to their DPs and your colleagues which you seem to think will be a disaster.
Just tell them you've put that book away for now and are considering working on something else.

I definitely wouldn't want friends to critique

I'd find some other way of getting my book critiqued

I work in books - though not the area you are writing for at all - but I would suggest you don't let your friends read it if you are uncomfortable about it, and don't let them pressure you if you do say no, because I have a feeling you will regret it and you can't put the cat back in the bag once it's out.

What I would suggest is that you join a proper critique group for writers - I'm afraid I don't know what that would be for adult books as I work in children's but I'm a member of the SCBWI (society of children's book writers and illustrators) who offer masses of support and critique groups and meet ups so I would be pretty sure there will be something similar for authors who are writing books for adults. Take a look on google and see what comes up.

As a PP has said it's really no good anyway asking friends and family for feedback unless they are industry professionals themselves. II suspect your friends want to read it out of curiosity, but it sounds to me like you aren't comfortable with that.

When it comes to publishing, if you are worried about people you know reading your book then publish under a pseudonym, then nobody will know it's by you except the publisher.

Then there's no reason at all for you as a writer to show this novel to your friends. They're just pressuring you. And Gruffalo's story is very nasty, and a genuine risk, if you're showing something with sex scenes to a minimum of six people who are likely from what you say to flick straight to the sex scenes and snigger to one another.

I don't think it's ok to ask one spouse to keep a secret from the other spouse.

Agreed. The very thing that makes you want to share with someone makes them want to share with somone. Hence the saying "Three people can keep a secret, as long as two of them are dead."

An anology that might mean something to some of us is, would you be happy to share your MN username with your friends? With their husbands? With your colleagues?

Some people are completely open, 'take me as you find me' and share as much in real life as they do here. Others are not and share things here that we wouldn't discuss openly in everyday life, or certainly not with anybody and everybody we know or have ever met.

Creative writing can be just as intimate and personal.

Oh Gruffalo!!!!!! My immediate thought when I read your post was FUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUCKKKKK.....

My God. Hard to know if someone is just being spiteful or clueless. I agree that total anonymity is the safest option. The thing is (and this is going to sound ridiculous), I didn't realise I was writing a novel when I started it, and I never thought it would be good enough to publish but unfortunately I've had feedback from people (actual writers and proper beta readers) who've said they love it and that it's very marketable. I honestly wasn't expecting that.

So if I could do it all again, I might aim for complete anonymity. But now that I can't turn back time, I'm having to try and limit risk and think about what my reaction should be if someone does approach me about it and make inappropriate / insensitive remarks...

@Bardwell, that sounds like an awesome relationship you have!

I think you're jumping ahead of yourself a bit. I wouldn't show them just for the fun of it - at this stage you need critiquing, not casual readers. Tell them they can buy it when its published/out there.

Im afraid Im with those who think the idea of controlling who can and can't read your work is a bit ridiculous. I empathise - its cringey - but if you are putting things out there, you don't get to decide their responses. (I used to write for Black Lace, so I know how weird it is that people you know are reading the stuff in your head, but this is something writers do have to get over.)

Your friends don't sound very nice. I would never pressure someone to give over a book they didn't want to share.

A friend just wouldn't pressure you. Just say no, I'd rather share once the book is actually published.

If you think there's a chance of it going forward, spend your energy on that, esp as they are ganging up and that's not a very nice thing to do.

OP, publishing a novel is a different kettle of fish. It's been accepted and sold by an agent, it's been multiply-edited, proofed, given cover art, marketed etc, and the vast majority of your readers won't know you and will never meet you. For them, your characters will be having sex, not, as you suggest your friends will think, imagining 'Oh, Kitchen likes outdoor and doggy-style!'

Yes, when you publish a novel, people you know may also read it (and, especially if they are not readers in general, assume the narrator is you/ that various characters are based on your best friend and Great Auntie Julia), but it's a different situation, and you are distanced from your book somewhat by the fact that it's out there in bookshops, reviewed, (hopefully) selling.

If you take your writing seriously, and you've had positive feedback from credible people on whether your novel is publishable your friends are an irrelevance -- start looking for an agent, and tell them you'll send them a copy when it comes out/put them in the acknowledgements.

Kitchen, it is. I'm very lucky. But it has taken luck, and tact and negotiation over tricky conversations.

I can see that they are frustrated and a bit hurt that I haven't handed it over to them yet

Are you sure they're not just being being politely enthusiastic to encourage and support you? Lots of people write and it can be all-consuming and very enjoyable, but it can be a huge part of your life and still private.

The friends/husbands/work colleagues scenario sounds like a nightmare and completely unproductive in terms of valuable feedback.

Don't let them read it. Give the excellent reasons suggested upthread and stop talking about it. It's no different to anything else that crops up in life - writing a book, refusing a lift, lending money, whatever. Say No if you want to. If people don't listen, say No again.

Finish your book; polish it, perfect it and send it to a suitable agent or self-publish anonymously.

I wouldn’t let the friends read it if I felt like you do. It’s so hard with some groups to guarantee they won’t blab and / or take the piss. I couldn’t let some friends read sex scenes I’d written; I’m thinking of a particular group who are very fun, funny people and I know they’d laugh their arses off and may tell partners after a glass of wine for a laugh! If these are like that then don’t let them read it.

I also agree with those who advise publishing it and then getting them to buy a copy, but only publish what you're happy to own up to. If it's fantasy, it's a fantasy! Tell your friends that you're still working on it.

I'm an editor, and I've seen how hard it is for people to live with their story, in private, for months if not years and then have to hand it over to someone else - me - and on into the great wide world with no control over who reads it. You can't control what people will think about it. Writers have to develop a thick skin. I remember reading a review of a popular book by a well-known author which said ,"This is the worst book I've ever read". You have to not care. Hold your head up. People are envious, I think.

I don't think you can allow friends to read it and not share it with their OHs. Sorry. But congratulations :)

I'd only be letting them read it because they've asked and it seems mean / unfair to not let them, given how I've talked about the writing process to them. And I honestly think it could become a bone of contention in our friendship

Tell them you're doing a big re-write and currently have writer's block.
Then let their interest wane.

You have NO obligation whatsoever to let them read it at this stage or at any stage before publication.

If you give your book to your friends, their husbands are going to get wind of it one way or the other.

In any case, if you publish, people will read it. Including your friends and family.

I also think your friends are just being friendly and curious, taking an interest in you and your activities. That's nice but they won't have thought through the implications because they wouldn't have to live with them in the same way.

Would you ask to read stuff they do at work? Talking about the process, circumstances and social side of work is normal and quite different from sharing the content of the work itself; be that lesson plans, policy papers, patients' notes or novels.

@Juells The first novel in the series won a writers prize that used to be put on each year by an established mid-size London publishing house :) It was for unpublished writers. The prize was a hefty advance, but instead of publication, they offered me editorial consultation with the Editor-in-Chief. I went back and worked on my novel, then decided I wanted to self-publish after weighing up my options!

MN ran a competition a couple of years ago in partnership with a publisher. Submit first three chapters or something? I don't recall the details unfortunately - is that running again?

Might be something to look out for, OP?

You can't publish it surely if it embarrasses you to this level?

As to your original question I'd tell my friend that I'd say to my husband sorry but she doesn't want you to read it. I wouldn't keep it a secret in that sense.

Lastly that's fantastic you've written a graphic novel! I would love to be so creative.

I'd only be letting them read it because they've asked and it seems mean / unfair to not let them, given how I've talked about the writing process to them

Why is mean or unfair? It wasn't a transaction. They listened to you talk because they're friends.

And I honestly think it could become a bone of contention in our friendship

Sorry, but that sounds a bit odd! It doesn't make any sense for adult friends to act like that. If it does cause a problem, then to be all cliché about it, they really aren't particularly good friends.

It'll only be a bone of contention between your friends if you say, 'Sorry, Barbara, I'm not going to let you read it because Barry will take the piss out of my sex scenes and you know what a sarcastic pig he is.'

If you say, 'Actually, I'm doing a big re-write! No one's seeing it until I've sorted out this huge loophole,' then everyone will forget about it soon enough. Unless you go on and on and on about it.

I think you have to work out in your mind which is more important to you right now: the fear of family, friends and 'banter-happy' husbands reading your book, or talking about your book.

As some PPs have said, if you share it with them they are very likely to tell or share it with their H’s and word / juicy bits will get around! Including potentially to your work.

As you don’t want that to happen best not to share it.

They will definitely not keep it secret. Make your decision based on that.