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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Son's girlfriend living with us and becoming a burden

499 replies

womanofthesun · 19/09/2018 15:29

My son (20) seems to have moved his girlfriend into our house. From the day he introduced me to her back in April, she's spent every day and night here (with the exception of about 2). He works full-time and whilst he's at work, she'll spend the whole day in his room. That, alone, isn't the problem. The problem is that she's become a burden, both spatially and financially. She spends a lot of time in the bathroom doing her hair and make-up, which means that I'm often having to wait for her to finish before I can use my own bathroom. She's also been taking 2 showers a day - one in the morning and one in the evening (neither myself or my son have that many - we both have 1). Whilst she's having a shower, she often plays music from her phone too (which, to me, is an indication that she's gotten a little too cosy here). When my son returns from work, he'll cook an elaborate dinner for them both (he's a very good cook), and whilst he's sweating in the kitchen after a long day's work, she'll either be in his bedroom waiting to be handed a plate, or sat in the kitchen, watching him do all the work. In fact, this is the case with any household activity - he'll cook/clean/tidy whilst she'll just watch, usually whilst scrolling through her phone. She's also taken to swanning around the house in little shorts and belly tops. I've even see her put the heating and hot water on whilst my son is at work. She knows we're a family that struggles, financially, so to have her use our utilities this way is quite stressful. I've even caught her spitting in our garden whilst sat outside smoking. I just find that she's being quite disrespectful, now. AIBU to feel this way? His old girlfriend was really helpful and would always help him with household things. She was very respectful and kept her presence within the house quite small (she also spent most nights in her own home). This one doesn't seem to understand boundaries. One time she was ill with a cold and was coughing and sneezing quite freely around the house. As I have a young baby, I had to ask her to leave on that occasion and come back only when she is better - I didn't want my baby getting sick (he already has an autoimmune disorder which makes his immune system weak, which I explained to her). My son does give me a certain amount of his wage each month for his keep, but not enough to cover what's being used by the extra body to be honest. And, to be honest, no amount of money would make up for the inconvenience caused by her constant physical presence within the house.

Thing is, I'm afraid to bring this up to them because I know she's a nice girl who probably means well (although I do feel that she feels quite entitled to my son's treatment and the benefits of technically living with us - I think she feels she's a "catch" for my son). I just think she's young and naive to the impact of her presence.

AIBU to feel that my son's girlfriend's behaviour isn't really on?

OP posts:
Whattheheq · 19/09/2018 19:58

I didn't mention mental health problems. Another poster mentioned it but I don't know where they saw that because I made no mention of her having MH problems.

My mistake then, but if was definitely you that mentioned her having an injury which meant she left college, presuming that only happened within the last 6 months if she was still going while staying with you? She may intend to go back to college or start work once that’s got better.

Other posters may have, but I've not called her any names - when/where? I can accept responsibility for not tackling this a lot time ago!

Maybe you haven’t but other posters have.

She isn’t being a “cheeky fucker” if she thinks everything’s okay because no ones told her otherwise.

^^ THIS! I couldn’t agree more.

ButchyRestingFace · 19/09/2018 20:00

I think it's a little inappropriate to walk around somebody else's house with such little clothes on, especially as there is another man in the house (my partner) - is this not a common view?

Does your partner not have a tongue in his head either?

Sunkist12 · 19/09/2018 20:01

Have you spoken to your son yet, OP

Badtasteflump · 19/09/2018 20:02

Aw OP don't slate yourself. You're just a bit too much of a people pleaser, but you can decide to change that now. Take some time to think about what you want and what you are and are not happy with - people pleasers are so worried about keeping everybody else happy, they don't even know what they want sometimes.

Then set your boundaries to suit you, and make your rules around them. Remember, you are not telling anybody else what they can or cannot do, just what you will and won't allow in your own home.

You can do it!

womanofthesun · 19/09/2018 20:03

Ok, I appreciate everyone's responses but I think I'm going to stop responding now. It's reached that point in the thread where people are getting a bit pedantic and nitpicky. I appreciate all the helpful responses, though!

OP posts:
lexi727 · 19/09/2018 20:06

Speak to your son - if she stays she has to pay rent. Her personally, not him paying her rent. If she doesn't want to pay rent, she can't stay. There's also some house rules set regarding jobs around the house etc.

Motoko · 19/09/2018 20:08

Please let us know how it goes. Know that you're not being unreasonable, it's your house, and while your son lives under your roof, he has to abide by your rules.

Unfinishedkitchen · 19/09/2018 20:11

I can sort of see how this has escalated. Once it gets past a certain point it’s hard to say something but say something you must.

As an aside you really need to speak to your son about his choice of partner becuase he has extremely low standards. Every 18 year old girl would look like a ‘catch’ if they were lazy layabouts with nothing to do all day but practice putting make up on but most have some type of ambition. Why has he picked a scrounger? Her lack of ambition is highly unusual. Will be still find her a catch when she’s 40 and all she’s got to show for her life is that she’s good at putting on make-up?

icelollycraving · 19/09/2018 20:13

So her mum is happier that she’s with you?
Maybe she’s really happy living with you. Your son is happy. You are not and that is essentially the most important thing.
Tell your son that whilst she’s a nice girl, you didn’t agree to her actually moving in. You thought it would be very temporary but she’s got too comfortable and you want your home back.
Now that he knows he likes living with her, perhaps it’s time they moved out together or she went home and they saved for s deposit. I’d be reasonable and kind and tell them they have to have it sorted by the end of September. You don’t have to but if it’s taken you six months to speak up, another 10 days is workable.
Good luck!

eddielizzard · 19/09/2018 20:14

I think your plan is excellent - speaking to your DS, limit her time in the house and if he doesn't like it he moves into his own place. This would test me to the limit, so I don't blame you!

ivolunteers · 19/09/2018 20:14

if you pulled your back suddenly and asked your sone if she would mind to helping around the house a little she may come around to noticing what communication is it may also show your sone what he will get in the longrun if you were ill and could not look after everyone

Wildheartsease · 19/09/2018 20:15

You need the
'now you have been living together for 6 months you need to look into getting your own place. '

I've always thought it reasonable for my children to have people round to stay here ...but not when they are not around to host them. People who stay here are guests of someone (who looks after them when they are here) or family.

Your son cooking for her etc is his affair. Their relationship is theirs.

IdahoJones · 19/09/2018 20:17

Good luck, OP. You can use 'It's been coming up for six months' as a very strong opening gambit.

PermanentlyFrizzyHairBall · 19/09/2018 20:29

She isn’t being a “cheeky fucker” if she thinks everything’s okay because no ones told her otherwise.

I have to disagree with this. She should be more grateful and courteous without being told to be! If you basically move in to someone's home you should offer to contribute and should help with the chores and shouldn't take two showers a day. It is obvious good manners to do this and OP shouldn't have to point it out to a grown adult.

FrayedHem · 19/09/2018 20:31

I know parents who moved to a smaller house due to similar circumstances and not wanting to have a confrontation! Don't be them, have the conversation and reclaim some much needed boundaries.

Rebecca36 · 19/09/2018 20:35

womanofthesun Wed 19-Sep-18 17:35:50
re: her scanty clothes: ..... it bothers me because it shows a lack of respect/consideration. It's not that I'm actually concerned about my DPs reaction (we're long past that stage about feeling insecure about such things), but by the fact that it didn't occur to her that she may be making others uncomfortable with the excessive skin on show. It's more the lack of consideration than the actual fact of the matter. And, yes, the heating point also applies.
----
I don't think her clothes are inappropriate, most young people wear stuff like around the house or in the garden. However, it is your house.

Taking two showers a day is not unusual either, showers don't cost much. I'd be more concerned about her using the bathroom for a long time if someone else wanted to go in.

However it sounds as though you are going to talk seriously to them about this, it has gone on for too long and she is taking advantage of you.

So good luck with the conversation and please do come back and tell us how things go.

WhatAPandemonium · 19/09/2018 20:36

Fuck feeling guilty or sorry for her! I feel enraged on your behalf. She is a lazy, entitled, little madam who I suspect knows exactly what she's doing and sits around whilst your son runs around after her. This whole situation beggars belief.

Theg00dwife · 19/09/2018 20:37

Sigh... I think my daughter is living at your house... (apart from the smoking!)

MaAnandSheela · 19/09/2018 20:40

Im surprised you don't limit the number of overnight visits she's allowed. My BIL and SIL both paid rent to their Mum and were only allowed so many nights to have their significant others over because money was tight and it's rude to constantly stay over at your partner's place when it doesn't even belong to them.

Time to put your foot down.

Parisbun · 19/09/2018 20:45

Oh lord. I had a sudden flashback to when me and then partner moved into his grandparents house - both invited as a couple as we were between homes at the time.
There were definite rules laid down for both of us and we broke them at our peril. Tiny little GM would not put up with any cheek and immediately tackled misdemeanours so that we all knew where we stood.
Did it upset us or make us hate her ? Nope. Those were the rules of her house and meant that we lived rent free with meals prepared for use while we looked for our next home.

Just get him told OP . As a pp said just start the conversation and let him continue. That way you arent going to be accused of forcing decisions on him as hes making them himself.

Rudi44 · 19/09/2018 20:48

She sounds horrendous, smoking and spitting in your garden, urgh. She needs to go and soon she’s causing financial burden and stress.

Snappedandfarted2018 · 19/09/2018 20:51

Are you my neighbor she has the same problem with her sons gf constantly around especially during the day, she also doesn’t work. Personally I couldn’t have someone in my home that wasn’t family invading my home in this way.

kateandme · 19/09/2018 21:11

i don't agree completely with only two night.or showers.or not benig there when he isn't.but ithink that comes with time and respect and growing with eacohrer alongside eachother and getting to that point together.
my sis and bros gf and bf both shower every day when here eat what they want come in door without knocking.are here hanging around with us even when siblings have had to go on shift.but this comes with time and respect.as them becoming so part of our family we love them being there as that.and they will help out.they are polite and all other aspects of respecting us and mum and dads home.they pay for meal out.get take out and cook.they are pleasant and make so much effort with all of us.my parents love them and we couldn't now aimgine life without them in it.this is what makes this situation so sad.that its lovely to get to the point you love them as part of the family.but this behaviour has side swiped all of that natural progression.id hate an so would my parents hate having to make rules for showers.food and how often they can stay so im so sorry op this is happening for you.

wheatmint · 19/09/2018 21:13

Wheatmint 'off' as in what - that I'm making this up?”

No, you misunderstand me. I was agreeing with the previous poster

wheatmint · 19/09/2018 21:14

Please do come back and tell us why you waited 6 months, OP?

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