Meet the Other Phone. Child-safe in minutes.

Meet the Other Phone.
Child-safe in minutes.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

See all MNHQ comments on this thread

Son's girlfriend living with us and becoming a burden

499 replies

womanofthesun · 19/09/2018 15:29

My son (20) seems to have moved his girlfriend into our house. From the day he introduced me to her back in April, she's spent every day and night here (with the exception of about 2). He works full-time and whilst he's at work, she'll spend the whole day in his room. That, alone, isn't the problem. The problem is that she's become a burden, both spatially and financially. She spends a lot of time in the bathroom doing her hair and make-up, which means that I'm often having to wait for her to finish before I can use my own bathroom. She's also been taking 2 showers a day - one in the morning and one in the evening (neither myself or my son have that many - we both have 1). Whilst she's having a shower, she often plays music from her phone too (which, to me, is an indication that she's gotten a little too cosy here). When my son returns from work, he'll cook an elaborate dinner for them both (he's a very good cook), and whilst he's sweating in the kitchen after a long day's work, she'll either be in his bedroom waiting to be handed a plate, or sat in the kitchen, watching him do all the work. In fact, this is the case with any household activity - he'll cook/clean/tidy whilst she'll just watch, usually whilst scrolling through her phone. She's also taken to swanning around the house in little shorts and belly tops. I've even see her put the heating and hot water on whilst my son is at work. She knows we're a family that struggles, financially, so to have her use our utilities this way is quite stressful. I've even caught her spitting in our garden whilst sat outside smoking. I just find that she's being quite disrespectful, now. AIBU to feel this way? His old girlfriend was really helpful and would always help him with household things. She was very respectful and kept her presence within the house quite small (she also spent most nights in her own home). This one doesn't seem to understand boundaries. One time she was ill with a cold and was coughing and sneezing quite freely around the house. As I have a young baby, I had to ask her to leave on that occasion and come back only when she is better - I didn't want my baby getting sick (he already has an autoimmune disorder which makes his immune system weak, which I explained to her). My son does give me a certain amount of his wage each month for his keep, but not enough to cover what's being used by the extra body to be honest. And, to be honest, no amount of money would make up for the inconvenience caused by her constant physical presence within the house.

Thing is, I'm afraid to bring this up to them because I know she's a nice girl who probably means well (although I do feel that she feels quite entitled to my son's treatment and the benefits of technically living with us - I think she feels she's a "catch" for my son). I just think she's young and naive to the impact of her presence.

AIBU to feel that my son's girlfriend's behaviour isn't really on?

OP posts:
QuackPorridgeBacon · 19/09/2018 21:26

In the six months, did you not ask about her being there so often?

QuackPorridgeBacon · 19/09/2018 21:26

In fact, did he not even mention to you she would be staying so often?

Mummyoflittledragon · 19/09/2018 21:44

I can’t believe she thinks she’s a good catch. It sounds as though your ds is a good catch. Although he is taking the piss out of you to do it. Good luck with the talk.

Janus · 19/09/2018 21:49

Ok Woman, going to stick my neck out here and admit that I’m a total softie and can totally see how this happened. I want to keep everyone happy, it’s my bloody Achilles heel, so although it may seem ridiculous, I can see how you’ve got here. And, as I say, I know people will say I’m nuts but sometimes things just escalate.
Hope the chat goes well.

Roussette · 19/09/2018 22:07

I can't for the life of me imagine how it got to this point. Some PPs have said they can imagine this happening. How in gods name, how? You have a virtual stranger moved in and you don't question it? How? This stranger is in the shower every morning when you want to go in it, and yet you don't question it, or ask or say anything? How?

It would not have happened for 6 days, let alone 6 months, in my house.

After, let's say 6 days, I would be saying to DS... what's happening here... your GF who I barely know is poncing around the place like she's moved in, I don't want it.

TBH it would have been after 3 days for me.

daffodilbrain · 19/09/2018 22:31

Get rid! How have you allowed it so long. She stays in his room all day? And you allow it? She needs a job at least - what do her folks think! She's got to go

Frazzled2207 · 19/09/2018 22:43

She needs to go, tomorrow.
I'm also flabbergasted how it has got to this point. I would have been sending her home after two nights.
Hope chatting to your son goes well.
He needs to understand too that this ridiculous behaviour is not on!

KarmaStar · 19/09/2018 22:47

Flipping heck!!
Get rid of her up and change the locks.what a c.f.

Accountant222 · 19/09/2018 22:53

I feel your pain, get her out ASAP

Zerrin13 · 19/09/2018 23:02

This is one of the most incredulous and unbelievable things I have ever read on here.

Dollymixture22 · 19/09/2018 23:29

You sound very nice, i am sorry your son has taken advantage of you.

He will surely understand - most twenty year olds would not be allowed to move their girlfriend into the family home, particularly when there is a small baby in the house. You have been very generous and hospitable, but this rude young lady has over stayed her welcome.

jadeywadeyyox · 20/09/2018 07:39

Wow toward the end of this, a lot of people turned into nasty fuckers towards OP.
Although I'm not surprised.
There's more bloody Internet bullies on here than there is on instagram.
Speaking from experience, or wording a post wrong in the past and having hundreds of people being aggressive and abusive.
How about we just support each other instead, huh? 🤔

Roussette · 20/09/2018 07:46

I would not call it agressive and abusive. I think posters are incredulous, staggered, taken aback and gobsmacked. And I along with others are more than curious at how 6 months with a stranger living in your home can happen.

Zebra31 · 20/09/2018 09:27

Op it doesn’t matter if it’s taken you 6 months to get to this point. Your DS GF needs to go. she doesn’t work, shes not contributing in any way, she’s hanging around whilst your son is at work.

Tell your DS his GF needs to go home. She has outstayed her welcome. She can stay a couple nights a week but she has goes home if his not there and she can only come round whilst his there. What a nightmare.

CottonTailRabbit · 20/09/2018 09:59

How did the talk go @womanofthesun?

KarrisWhiteOak · 20/09/2018 10:07

It’s your home. She seems to have moved in without permission nor is she contributing to the household in anyway and she makes you uncomfortable.

But the two maybe three nights a week rule in place and explain to your son he may need to consider moving to his own pace and see his long he likes her free loading with him.

POPholditdown · 20/09/2018 10:18

She isn’t being a “cheeky fucker” if she thinks everything’s okay because no ones told her otherwise.

You don’t have to be a genius to work out it’s not ok to not lift a finger, act like you own the place, and don’t pay a penny towards anything.

Butterymuffin · 20/09/2018 10:38

Anyone with any manners or consideration would offer to make drinks, meals, help out around the house in the place where they were staying, even if Hmm they were under the misapprehension that no payment was required.

Cath2907 · 20/09/2018 10:42

I can imagine the expression on my mum's face if I'd moved in a boyfriend to sponge off her!!!! Even now when I am married, 40 with a kid we are still very tidy and helpful and courteous when staying at hers over Xmas. She'd do her nut if she thought we were taking advantage.

As my mum would say... "are you a doormat? do you have welcome stamped on your forehead?"

Tell your son if he wants to live with his gf then he needs to find them their own place together otherwise she isn't welcome in your house unless he is there and even then no more than 3 nights per week.

lloydee1983 · 20/09/2018 17:40

This is not on, she needs to go

Peniepie · 20/09/2018 17:40

I would honestly have set ground rules for my son before this ever came to fruition. No one is at fault here it is just miscommunication.

This is what I would do in this situation:

Sit them both down. Tell them you are struggling with a few things. Put your personal feelings about her aside.

Tell them both you're finding it difficult to use your own bathroom and would like her to take showers at her own home as aside from that it is costing an awful lot.

You would like to limit the the amount of nights she can stay over to 1 night week.

There is to be no stopping over if Ill.

This should make it clear she doesn't live with you. Do not leave it open for her to move in or offer to accept board. It doesn't sound like it is what you want. Suggest that if they want more you can help them search for their own place.

Iflyaway · 20/09/2018 17:45

Put your Big Girl Pants on and tell her to fuck off out of YOUR house!

Oh, and not before she has paid her share of the rent/utilities/food/council tax. Etc.

You need to strengthen your boundaries.

Lostandfound81 · 20/09/2018 17:49

She isn’t being a “cheeky fucker” if she thinks everything’s okay because no ones told her otherwise.

THIS! I couldn’t agree more.

WTF. Is this how you live?

You need to be told what is reasonable behaviour and what isn’t?

bluejeanjeannie · 20/09/2018 17:51

Op, do not change your mind because you feel sorry for either your son or GF. My OH's daughter fell into this very same trap. The outcome was that her DS became completely obssessed with his GF for years because of the sex on tap, and the fact that he wasn't very confident of himself although a lovely person. It took years for him to realise that she was playing him along, going out and sleeping with any other man/boy who took her fancy, but still living with firstly him within the family home and then when OH's daughter couldn't stand any more, in a flat together. Still she was doing just what she wanted. He has finally finished with her, but now almost 30 and still no other GF even though he would love to settle down, it really did him no favours at all. And it was all because OH's daughter felt sorry for the girl initially as her parents had split up and she was feeling unwanted!
Good luck with everything, hope you have a happy outcome.

Lalala2018 · 20/09/2018 18:01

Doesn't sound like you like this girl much. Just be direct with her and your son. Don't compare her to his ex as he obviously likes her and you don't want to alienate him. Good luck

Please create an account

To comment on this thread you need to create a Mumsnet account.

This thread is closed and is no longer accepting replies. Click here to start a new thread.