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AIBU?

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Son's girlfriend living with us and becoming a burden

499 replies

womanofthesun · 19/09/2018 15:29

My son (20) seems to have moved his girlfriend into our house. From the day he introduced me to her back in April, she's spent every day and night here (with the exception of about 2). He works full-time and whilst he's at work, she'll spend the whole day in his room. That, alone, isn't the problem. The problem is that she's become a burden, both spatially and financially. She spends a lot of time in the bathroom doing her hair and make-up, which means that I'm often having to wait for her to finish before I can use my own bathroom. She's also been taking 2 showers a day - one in the morning and one in the evening (neither myself or my son have that many - we both have 1). Whilst she's having a shower, she often plays music from her phone too (which, to me, is an indication that she's gotten a little too cosy here). When my son returns from work, he'll cook an elaborate dinner for them both (he's a very good cook), and whilst he's sweating in the kitchen after a long day's work, she'll either be in his bedroom waiting to be handed a plate, or sat in the kitchen, watching him do all the work. In fact, this is the case with any household activity - he'll cook/clean/tidy whilst she'll just watch, usually whilst scrolling through her phone. She's also taken to swanning around the house in little shorts and belly tops. I've even see her put the heating and hot water on whilst my son is at work. She knows we're a family that struggles, financially, so to have her use our utilities this way is quite stressful. I've even caught her spitting in our garden whilst sat outside smoking. I just find that she's being quite disrespectful, now. AIBU to feel this way? His old girlfriend was really helpful and would always help him with household things. She was very respectful and kept her presence within the house quite small (she also spent most nights in her own home). This one doesn't seem to understand boundaries. One time she was ill with a cold and was coughing and sneezing quite freely around the house. As I have a young baby, I had to ask her to leave on that occasion and come back only when she is better - I didn't want my baby getting sick (he already has an autoimmune disorder which makes his immune system weak, which I explained to her). My son does give me a certain amount of his wage each month for his keep, but not enough to cover what's being used by the extra body to be honest. And, to be honest, no amount of money would make up for the inconvenience caused by her constant physical presence within the house.

Thing is, I'm afraid to bring this up to them because I know she's a nice girl who probably means well (although I do feel that she feels quite entitled to my son's treatment and the benefits of technically living with us - I think she feels she's a "catch" for my son). I just think she's young and naive to the impact of her presence.

AIBU to feel that my son's girlfriend's behaviour isn't really on?

OP posts:
HavelockVetinari · 19/09/2018 18:37

Thinking back to when I was that age (13 years ago ShockSad) the done thing at that time was no boyfriend over for more than 1-2 nights a week, and certainly not in the house when I wasn't there (that really is bonkers).

Wendigowoman · 19/09/2018 18:40
Shock
BoneyBackJefferson · 19/09/2018 18:43

PositivelyPERF

Defensive much?

You have said that "he moved her in" did she have no say in this? Did you think about this before you dehumanised her to to point of furniture?

Did you miss the bits about her doing nothing in the house? Yet your response is that he is equally to blame for her actions.

I responded to your first post as posters can do on an opinion forum and responded to your post to me if you think that is creepy maybe you should lay off the kool-aid.

Holidayshopping · 19/09/2018 18:48

I can’t believe at no point over the last months six months you have said any of these things..

‘Who has turned the heating up?’
‘Why don’t you put a jumper on?’
‘DS, when is girlfriend going home/to get a job?’
‘I need to get in the shower now!’

Yet you’re suddenly really pissed off now?

ZenNudist · 19/09/2018 19:06

OP you are clearly a lovely person and so patient and kind. I would have been annoyed by this after a week. You need to be strong implementing your plan.

I think youd be best killing the gf with kindness in terms of your attitude to her when she is in the house (2 days max and I would add only when he is around not when he is out). Best not to disapprove too strongly as it could drive them closer.

wheatmint · 19/09/2018 19:09

Has OP answered why it’s taken 6 months to question her presence and her plans? I’d have been wondering after a few days... Did you think she’d be going to university?

areyoubeingserviced · 19/09/2018 19:13

Boundaries OP
You need to speak to your son about boundaries
It’s your son’s fault too for allowing his girlfriend to become a burden

Ellisandra · 19/09/2018 19:20

Your son is worse than his girlfriend.
He’s obviously signalled to her (either actual verbal confirmation or by his actions) that’s she’s welcome.
So she has reason to think it’s OK.
He, on the other hand KNOWS he hasn’t you.
He’s the CF.

wheatmint · 19/09/2018 19:25

The son definitely should share blame here, I agree.

Pollypocket090 · 19/09/2018 19:28

Think your plan is correct

womanofthesun · 19/09/2018 19:29

Ok, someone's gonna have to tell me what the abbreviation 'CF' stands for - I've been too embarrassed to ask until now!

OP posts:
Andylion · 19/09/2018 19:30

Your son is worse than his girlfriend.
He’s obviously signalled to her (either actual verbal confirmation or by his actions) that’s she’s welcome.

Hasn't the OP done the same by accepting this behaviour from both of them?

Andylion · 19/09/2018 19:30

Cheeky Fucker.

theworldistoosmall · 19/09/2018 19:31

cf = cheeky fucker

Whattheheq · 19/09/2018 19:31

DS, when is girlfriend going home/to get a job

Fair enough ask when she is going home but don’t ask when she’s going to get a job. You’ve already mentioned she isn’t working and couldn’t finished college due to an injury and metal health problems, you don’t know how that makes her feel so don’t make her feel worse about it.

Also agree that while she is partly at fault the main issue here is your son. He’s the one allowing her to stay and she probably thinks you’ve okayed it so has no idea you and 100 others are posting online and calling her names because you haven’t spoken up in six months and said it’s a problem.

wheatmint · 19/09/2018 19:40

Agree whatthe. It feels a bit off really. We’re still waiting for a response as to why a whole six months was waited before questioning her presence or plans.

stressedoutpa · 19/09/2018 19:43

Time to go!

In future, she can only stay if he agrees it with you first. One night a week max and one shower a day max.

You need to find your voice, op. It's your house not theirs!

Leftoverlasagna · 19/09/2018 19:44

She spends a lot of time in the bathroom doing her hair and make-up, which means that I'm often having to wait for her to finish before I can use my own bathroom.

Tell her you need to use the bathroom so could she do it somewhere else. Surely your son has a mirror?

She's also been taking 2 showers a day - one in the morning and one in the evening (neither myself or my son have that many - we both have 1).

That’s not unusual just because you don’t do it. Plenty of people will take 2 showers a day.

When my son returns from work, he'll cook an elaborate dinner for them both (he's a very good cook), and whilst he's sweating in the kitchen after a long day's work, she'll either be in his bedroom waiting to be handed a plate, or sat in the kitchen, watching him do all the work. In fact, this is the case with any household activity - he'll cook/clean/tidy whilst she'll just watch, usually whilst scrolling through her phone.

Surely if your son wants help he can ask for it. Do you actually know whether she offered and he kept telling her no? If you want her to help clean and tidy then you can use your words to ask her or ask your son to ask her.

His old girlfriend was really helpful and would always help him with household things.

Do not compare her to an ex, clearly she wasn’t that great or your son would still be with her and not this new girl.

You and your son are the problem, okay she’s being a bit cheeky with the music and turning the heating on but your son was the one who invited her to stay and you haven’t said anything IN SIX MONTHS to indicate that it wasn’t okay. She isn’t being a “cheeky fucker” if she thinks everything’s okay because no ones told her otherwise. I certainly wouldn’t know someone was taking an issue to me showering and the clothes I wore unless they told me and I wouldn’t know I wasn’t welcome somewhere if 6 months ago I was told I was and no ones said otherwise since.

You’re the adult, it’s your home. If you don’t want her there then use your words to tell her. Fgs.

womanofthesun · 19/09/2018 19:46

Whattheheq I didn't mention mental health problems. Another poster mentioned it but I don't know where they saw that because I made no mention of her having MH problems.

Other posters may have, but I've not called her any names - when/where? I can accept responsibility for not tackling this a lot time ago!

OP posts:
Badtasteflump · 19/09/2018 19:49

OP what does your partner have to say about it all? Assuming he lives with you then surely he doesn't like it either? I'm just imagining if this was happening in my house and I hadn't dealt with it, DH would be flipping out (understandably)

womanofthesun · 19/09/2018 19:51

Wheatmint 'off' as in what - that I'm making this up? I guess my reason is that I didn't know how to bring it up. As mentioned, I struggle with being assertive and always make excuses for people in my mind. Always trying not to upset people. However, I'm realising my error in being this way and want to do something about it. I don't know what else to say! Yes, I'm a foolish, passive, "weak" mum? I know that. I've been told that.

OP posts:
Disabrie22 · 19/09/2018 19:54

I get why people are blaming the OP for this but at 18 I would have been well aware that this kind of behaviour is unacceptable. I also thinking her clothing does sound inappropriate for the situation - again I had more sense at that age at what I wore in front of my boyfriends mother.
OP I would say you are going to be working from home and holding meetings in there and you can’t have her around. She needs to focus on her future? Or spend more time at her own house?

Disabrie22 · 19/09/2018 19:55

I agree your son is being paid in sexual favours! Hence why he’s letting her walk over you

womanofthesun · 19/09/2018 19:55

Thanks, everyone. I know what I have to do (always did really, was just feeling a bit guilty about my feelings towards the young woman).

OP posts:
Disabrie22 · 19/09/2018 19:56

Make a strong excuse and get rid while you can

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