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AIBU?

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Son's girlfriend living with us and becoming a burden

499 replies

womanofthesun · 19/09/2018 15:29

My son (20) seems to have moved his girlfriend into our house. From the day he introduced me to her back in April, she's spent every day and night here (with the exception of about 2). He works full-time and whilst he's at work, she'll spend the whole day in his room. That, alone, isn't the problem. The problem is that she's become a burden, both spatially and financially. She spends a lot of time in the bathroom doing her hair and make-up, which means that I'm often having to wait for her to finish before I can use my own bathroom. She's also been taking 2 showers a day - one in the morning and one in the evening (neither myself or my son have that many - we both have 1). Whilst she's having a shower, she often plays music from her phone too (which, to me, is an indication that she's gotten a little too cosy here). When my son returns from work, he'll cook an elaborate dinner for them both (he's a very good cook), and whilst he's sweating in the kitchen after a long day's work, she'll either be in his bedroom waiting to be handed a plate, or sat in the kitchen, watching him do all the work. In fact, this is the case with any household activity - he'll cook/clean/tidy whilst she'll just watch, usually whilst scrolling through her phone. She's also taken to swanning around the house in little shorts and belly tops. I've even see her put the heating and hot water on whilst my son is at work. She knows we're a family that struggles, financially, so to have her use our utilities this way is quite stressful. I've even caught her spitting in our garden whilst sat outside smoking. I just find that she's being quite disrespectful, now. AIBU to feel this way? His old girlfriend was really helpful and would always help him with household things. She was very respectful and kept her presence within the house quite small (she also spent most nights in her own home). This one doesn't seem to understand boundaries. One time she was ill with a cold and was coughing and sneezing quite freely around the house. As I have a young baby, I had to ask her to leave on that occasion and come back only when she is better - I didn't want my baby getting sick (he already has an autoimmune disorder which makes his immune system weak, which I explained to her). My son does give me a certain amount of his wage each month for his keep, but not enough to cover what's being used by the extra body to be honest. And, to be honest, no amount of money would make up for the inconvenience caused by her constant physical presence within the house.

Thing is, I'm afraid to bring this up to them because I know she's a nice girl who probably means well (although I do feel that she feels quite entitled to my son's treatment and the benefits of technically living with us - I think she feels she's a "catch" for my son). I just think she's young and naive to the impact of her presence.

AIBU to feel that my son's girlfriend's behaviour isn't really on?

OP posts:
InertPotato · 19/09/2018 17:44

What a clusterfuck.

I'd give this girl's mother a call and ask her what's up with her living situation.

PositivelyPERF · 19/09/2018 17:44

What a fantastic way to pass the blame not only absolving her of responsibility but making her a victim, well done.

Try reading my comment slowly, then you might pick up on the bit where I say Why are you putting ‘all’ the blame on her? Now, would you like to point out where I made her a victim or are you just annoyed that I’ve suggested the blame also lies with the man?

InertPotato · 19/09/2018 17:45

He needs to get rid of this loser.

Yes.

IsTheRainEverComingBack · 19/09/2018 17:46

OP your plan for talking to your son sounds perfect. I hope it goes well.

Badtasteflump · 19/09/2018 17:47

Op it's good you're getting angry about it - use that grrrr feeling to assert yourself!

Your plan sounds fine and I agree you need to talk to your son about it, not the GF. BUT I would seriously rethink the offer of her staying two nights a week. You know if you offer that, she will do that - and then be there those full two days too. Do you really want that? If so, fine, but if not, you don't have to 'give' anything.

Btw I think pp are being hard on the OP because she mentioned the swanning around in crop tops and shorts. I wouldn't want somebody I barely knew doing that in my house either because it suggests an overfamiliarity and treating it as your own home - which it isn't!

InertPotato · 19/09/2018 17:50

BUT I would seriously rethink the offer of her staying two nights a week. You know if you offer that, she will do that - and then be there those full two days too. Do you really want that? If so, fine, but if not, you don't have to 'give' anything.

I agree. Is it normal for 20 year olds to have their boyfriends/girlfriends spending the night when they still live at home? Back in my day.... pffft. Nope.

YeTalkShiteHen · 19/09/2018 17:54

She does nothing for me/my household/my son, but her mum expects a lot from my son?

Given her daughter’s attitude I am not surprised.

I have recently had a very frank (for which read, she got her arse handed to her) conversation with my nephew’s girlfriend. She declares herself a feminist and is scathing about my generation (I’m 36) as having ruined all their choices, knows it all because she read it online and blah blah fucking blah. Yet she told my nephew that he’ll have to move his apprenticeship when she goes to university so that he can pay for her to go through uni.

When challenged about why she wouldn’t be working she looked stunned and said “but I’m a girl? It’s not how it works.”

Aye, it is, get a fucking job and some self respect. Also, stop labelling yourself until you fucking know what a feminist is.

Your son's girlfriend sounds lazy and entitled. Your son sounds inconsiderate (of you) and entitled too.

Both of them need telling that their behaviour is not only ridiculous, it’s actually grossly disrespectful and rude.

BoneyBackJefferson · 19/09/2018 17:56

PositivelyPERF

Why do you paint her as so passive in all this? Why are you not picking fault with the OP for putting up with this and not saying something sooner?
Why is GF's behaviour anything to do with the BF?

Is it because you are trying to absolve them of the blame and are annoyed at being picked up on it?

SharedLife · 19/09/2018 17:57

Holidayshopping Where did OP say that that's the thing they're most bothered about? If you had someone you didn't really know walking around your house in not many clothes, it would add to the feeling of discomfort. It would for me at least! It would be the same if DS had a boyfriend who was wandering around in hot pants! Its just part of the big picture of intrusion and discomfort this person is causing.

YeTalkShiteHen · 19/09/2018 17:58

I wouldn’t want someone I barely knew walking around my home half naked, male or female. Especially not someone who was sponging off me!

RomanyRoots · 19/09/2018 17:59

If mine have gf's bf's over for more than one night a week they pay board, simple as that.
If they have a key it's proper rent between them.
Surprisingly enough, I've not been too bothered by them.

AmayaBuzzbee · 19/09/2018 18:03

OP, if she is living in your household, then you are fully entitled to present her with a chores list, especially if she is not working.

Perhaps she could earn her upkeep by cooking and cleaning (not just cooking for your son, but cooking for all). Just give her a to-do list to get on with every day to make your life easier. If she prefers to have easier life elsewhere, then she can move right back home.

Prettyvase · 19/09/2018 18:05

You don't say your partner is complaining op.

He must love it!! What red blooded man wouldn't?!

Does your partner contribute to the household expenses op?

Sorry but are you sure your partner and this young woman aren't having a relationship of their own?!

Would be strange her being so brazen otherwise.

May be she enjoys leading him on.

She'll be pregnant next and her mum won't want her back, just you wait!

YeTalkShiteHen · 19/09/2018 18:06

Prettyvase are you drunk?

Taylor22 · 19/09/2018 18:07

@Prettyvase are you on glue?

HotpointCrapness · 19/09/2018 18:09

I think as well as the one shower you need to put on a time limit. And things like no adjusting the heating, no helping herself from tge fridge (or your ds helping on her behalf!) etc.

RavenLG · 19/09/2018 18:09

Sorry but are you sure your partner and this young woman aren't having a relationship of their own?!
There's reaching and there is utter bullshit. Stop stirring the pot vase

EK36 · 19/09/2018 18:10

Yes I would have a problem with the belly tops and shorts too! Can't believe other say it's okay?! I wouldn't want my husband seeing a scantily clad woman around the house! I'm slim and look nice so it's nothing to do with low self esteem. Its more to do with respect! Why flash your skin around someone elses husband?!

womanofthesun · 19/09/2018 18:11

Prettyvase I must admit, amidst all the stress that this situation has caused me, that got a good laugh out of me ☺️

OP posts:
Moononthehill28 · 19/09/2018 18:13

There is no excuse for this. The girlfriend sounds like a lazy cow. Your son is a mug to be doing everything whilst she lies around. She should be cleaning your house and cooking all your meals if she’s living there for free. Give them both their marching orders. They need to get a reality check.

insideoutsider · 19/09/2018 18:25

Why 2 nights a week OR 1 shower a day? What if he chooses 1 shower a day for her to stay every day and keep spitting, swaning and generally being around using your electricity?

Tell him she can't live here anymore aside from staying 2 nights a week.

Don't back down!

whoaskedyou · 19/09/2018 18:30

Wake up and smell the coffee, OP! Your house, your rules.

Now take a deep breath and read the effing riot act before this ridiculous situation gets any worse. Do not negotiate with the CF cuckoo, she'll run rings round you, just lay down the expectations and alternatives with your son and he can tell her to shape up or ship out.

(sorry, lot of idioms there!)

PositivelyPERF · 19/09/2018 18:33

BoneyBackJefferson WTF are you on about? You’ve read a short comment from me and written a complete narrative about what you THINK I’ve said! I think you and Prettyvase must be drinking the same stuff! Age I annoyed you on another thread or something. I honestly can’t see why you’re obsessing over one paragraph. Getting slightly creepy.

AvonCallingBarksdale · 19/09/2018 18:35

I can imagine few things worse than having another adult foisted onto me, a stranger to boot! At 20 if she’s not at uni, she should be working - wtf else is she doing?? I know things are different now but when I was 18 I’d finished A-levels, was working to pay for 8 months travelling before uni. After uni I got a job straightaway and moved to London. IMVHO I don’t like the idea of adult children living at home. Your DS’s GF is an ultimate CF Shock

JosephineBucket · 19/09/2018 18:37

Maybe the gf's mum only has "high expectations" in comparison to the unbelievably low expectations OP has for her house guests - he hasn't moved in there and treated it like a hotel! Maybe these high expectations include, I don't know, leaving the house when gf isn't there and not buggering about with the heating!

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