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AIBU?

Son's girlfriend living with us and becoming a burden

499 replies

womanofthesun · 19/09/2018 15:29

My son (20) seems to have moved his girlfriend into our house. From the day he introduced me to her back in April, she's spent every day and night here (with the exception of about 2). He works full-time and whilst he's at work, she'll spend the whole day in his room. That, alone, isn't the problem. The problem is that she's become a burden, both spatially and financially. She spends a lot of time in the bathroom doing her hair and make-up, which means that I'm often having to wait for her to finish before I can use my own bathroom. She's also been taking 2 showers a day - one in the morning and one in the evening (neither myself or my son have that many - we both have 1). Whilst she's having a shower, she often plays music from her phone too (which, to me, is an indication that she's gotten a little too cosy here). When my son returns from work, he'll cook an elaborate dinner for them both (he's a very good cook), and whilst he's sweating in the kitchen after a long day's work, she'll either be in his bedroom waiting to be handed a plate, or sat in the kitchen, watching him do all the work. In fact, this is the case with any household activity - he'll cook/clean/tidy whilst she'll just watch, usually whilst scrolling through her phone. She's also taken to swanning around the house in little shorts and belly tops. I've even see her put the heating and hot water on whilst my son is at work. She knows we're a family that struggles, financially, so to have her use our utilities this way is quite stressful. I've even caught her spitting in our garden whilst sat outside smoking. I just find that she's being quite disrespectful, now. AIBU to feel this way? His old girlfriend was really helpful and would always help him with household things. She was very respectful and kept her presence within the house quite small (she also spent most nights in her own home). This one doesn't seem to understand boundaries. One time she was ill with a cold and was coughing and sneezing quite freely around the house. As I have a young baby, I had to ask her to leave on that occasion and come back only when she is better - I didn't want my baby getting sick (he already has an autoimmune disorder which makes his immune system weak, which I explained to her). My son does give me a certain amount of his wage each month for his keep, but not enough to cover what's being used by the extra body to be honest. And, to be honest, no amount of money would make up for the inconvenience caused by her constant physical presence within the house.

Thing is, I'm afraid to bring this up to them because I know she's a nice girl who probably means well (although I do feel that she feels quite entitled to my son's treatment and the benefits of technically living with us - I think she feels she's a "catch" for my son). I just think she's young and naive to the impact of her presence.

AIBU to feel that my son's girlfriend's behaviour isn't really on?

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GunpowderGelatine · 19/09/2018 17:18

I think this is possibly one of the most astounding accounts of cheeky fuckery I've ever read on MN! Your son needs a kick up the arse and needs to either move out or limit her staying to once a week and NEVER doss in his room while he's at work! How rude, OP you're a saint!

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Shadow1234 · 19/09/2018 17:18

Yes, great plan. do not back down though, mean what you
say and be firm

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EK36 · 19/09/2018 17:19

I would honestly talk to your son. Explain that his girlfriend cannot stay all of the time. You may want to offer one night a week. I cannot believe that you haven't said anything all this time? When the son went to work I would have said to his girlfriend, "sorry you're going to have to go now.. I got plans". If you don't say anything...she is going to stay...permanently. Tell your that its your house and you feel like you can't relax or do what you want because she is always there. If he disagrees then suggests that he finds somewhere to rent.

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HollowTalk · 19/09/2018 17:20

Doesn't she work or study? What does she live on?

And as a PP said, when he's not there, why the hell is she there? How did that happen? Honestly, the first time it happened you should've put a stop to it.

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ALongHardWinter · 19/09/2018 17:20

You say she's a nice girl who probably means well? She's practically taken over your bathroom,doesn't lift a finger to help around the house,spits in your garden and coughs and sneezes all over the place, Envy(not envy) and doesn't pay a penny towards her keep? Nope,I I don't think so.

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womanofthesun · 19/09/2018 17:21

MirriVan I chose 'swanning' due to the sense of entitlement that she walks around with!

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AwdBovril · 19/09/2018 17:21

The little shorts & belly tops would bother me. Not because she's showing herself off in front of the OP's DP, but because she's putting the heating on. If she's cold, she needs to put something warmer on instead of making unilateral decisions that adversely affect the rest of the houshold.

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Shadow1234 · 19/09/2018 17:24

Let us know how it all goes when you speak to your son.
Good luck 👍

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HollowTalk · 19/09/2018 17:25

I would be annoyed by the clothing, though. I think it's a bit disrespectful. Mind you, I find the whole thing disrespectful. There isn't one thing about her that's respectful of anyone.

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ilovesooty · 19/09/2018 17:26

"Struggle to be assertive" sounds like an understatement.
Tell your son she has to leave. Any staying over negotiations can take place once he's moved the freeloader out and shown you some respect.

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womanofthesun · 19/09/2018 17:28

To those asking where her mum is etc, her mum seems to be benefitting from having one less dependant in the house (the mum has a lot of children), which adds to how annoyed this whole situation makes me. While own mum is benefitting, another (me) is suffering! In addition, DS' girlfriend told me that her mum has "high expectations" of DS casually in conversation, once. I found that to be a real cheek. She does nothing for me/my household/my son, but her mum expects a lot from my son?

It's unlike me to get this annoyed but the responses here have really put into perspective the ridiculous nature of this situation!

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ChasedByBees · 19/09/2018 17:28

She absolutely shouldn’t be there when your DS isn’t. She’s a guest - guests don’t just stay when their host is out.

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LyingWitchInTheWardrobe2726 · 19/09/2018 17:29

womanofthesun I thought the belly tops/little shorts comment was because she was putting the heating on rather than actually wearing some more clothes?

From a utilities point of view you wouldn't be unreasonable. For wearing this stuff in front of your partner, well it's just clothes, isn't it?

I do think that people should be dressed in front of others but that is 'dressed', isn't it?

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LyingWitchInTheWardrobe2726 · 19/09/2018 17:30

I also agree that she shouldn't be there when your son isn't - and there's no reason for her to be there every day either. She's not family.

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Butterymuffin · 19/09/2018 17:32

Your plan sounds reasonable OP. Stick to your guns.

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Andylion · 19/09/2018 17:35

DS' girlfriend told me that her mum has "high expectations" of DS

Geez, what does that mean? GF's DM expects your DS to support her/wait on her for the rest of her life?

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Ragwort · 19/09/2018 17:35

How on earth did it get to this situationHmm. Are you frightened of upsetting your DS, do you feel bullied by him? I have a teenage DS and there is just no way that I would be allowing a GF to 'move in'. And I know this isn't a popular opinion on Mumsnet but I wouldn't even allow a GF to stay the night, unless in the guest room. It just becomes far too cosy when GFs/BFs start sleeping over - and if that means my DS leaves home then so be it.

You really have been a complete softie mug to allow this situation to happen.

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womanofthesun · 19/09/2018 17:35

LyingWichInTheWardrobe it bothers me because it shows a lack of respect/consideration. It's not that I'm actually concerned about my DPs reaction (we're long past that stage about feeling insecure about such things), but by the fact that it didn't occur to her that she may be making others uncomfortable with the excessive skin on show. It's more the lack of consideration than the actual fact of the matter. And, yes, the heating point also applies.

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mummymeister · 19/09/2018 17:36

Op that sounds like a good plan. be really clear about the time limits make him understand that you mean this and will write it on the calendar so you all know what the score is.

I really think you need to speak to this girl as well but quite understand if you feel that you cant. What I imagine will happen is that they will stick to it for a few weeks then it will drift. its at this point you have to be absolutely on it - no "one offs" no "she has missed the bus" no "its a special occasion" 2 nights in 7 is 2 nights in 7. I think because of this likelihood of drift I would be now moving your son towards moving out. the trouble is when they do she will either bleed him dry or be off straightaway. but that's his lesson to learn and not yours. so start looking together on rightmove or flat rental sites and make him go out and start looking.

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BoneyBackJefferson · 19/09/2018 17:37

PositivelyPERF
Why are you putting all the blame on her? Your son is the one that’s moved her in. Why aren’t you speaking to him? He sounds very disrespectful, moving a woman in, without asking.

What a fantastic way to pass the blame not only absolving her of responsibility but making her a victim, well done.

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ENormaSnob · 19/09/2018 17:37

He needs to get rid of this loser.

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womanofthesun · 19/09/2018 17:38

A few typos/grammatical errors in my last comment.

LyingWitchInTheWardrobe


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Justanotheruser01 · 19/09/2018 17:40

Im not saying shes in anyway at all right in doing this however my sister moved her boyfriend in mum and dad got them to move out They ended up on their arses sister was on verge of dropping out of uni they had nothing and some other scary stuff, eventually they moved back in but they was put in a frightening situation please see if theres anyway you can work with them to save a grotty bedsit and a baby happening

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bakingdemon · 19/09/2018 17:40

I am slightly fixated on the heating and hot water point. No way would a guest in my house get away with changing those settings! They'd get a very stern "in this house the hot water only goes on at these times and the heating doesn't go on until jumpers alone aren't enough to keep us warm - usually the end of October"!

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Deadringer · 19/09/2018 17:41

They are both cheeky fuckers. Sling her and him out

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