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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Son's girlfriend living with us and becoming a burden

499 replies

womanofthesun · 19/09/2018 15:29

My son (20) seems to have moved his girlfriend into our house. From the day he introduced me to her back in April, she's spent every day and night here (with the exception of about 2). He works full-time and whilst he's at work, she'll spend the whole day in his room. That, alone, isn't the problem. The problem is that she's become a burden, both spatially and financially. She spends a lot of time in the bathroom doing her hair and make-up, which means that I'm often having to wait for her to finish before I can use my own bathroom. She's also been taking 2 showers a day - one in the morning and one in the evening (neither myself or my son have that many - we both have 1). Whilst she's having a shower, she often plays music from her phone too (which, to me, is an indication that she's gotten a little too cosy here). When my son returns from work, he'll cook an elaborate dinner for them both (he's a very good cook), and whilst he's sweating in the kitchen after a long day's work, she'll either be in his bedroom waiting to be handed a plate, or sat in the kitchen, watching him do all the work. In fact, this is the case with any household activity - he'll cook/clean/tidy whilst she'll just watch, usually whilst scrolling through her phone. She's also taken to swanning around the house in little shorts and belly tops. I've even see her put the heating and hot water on whilst my son is at work. She knows we're a family that struggles, financially, so to have her use our utilities this way is quite stressful. I've even caught her spitting in our garden whilst sat outside smoking. I just find that she's being quite disrespectful, now. AIBU to feel this way? His old girlfriend was really helpful and would always help him with household things. She was very respectful and kept her presence within the house quite small (she also spent most nights in her own home). This one doesn't seem to understand boundaries. One time she was ill with a cold and was coughing and sneezing quite freely around the house. As I have a young baby, I had to ask her to leave on that occasion and come back only when she is better - I didn't want my baby getting sick (he already has an autoimmune disorder which makes his immune system weak, which I explained to her). My son does give me a certain amount of his wage each month for his keep, but not enough to cover what's being used by the extra body to be honest. And, to be honest, no amount of money would make up for the inconvenience caused by her constant physical presence within the house.

Thing is, I'm afraid to bring this up to them because I know she's a nice girl who probably means well (although I do feel that she feels quite entitled to my son's treatment and the benefits of technically living with us - I think she feels she's a "catch" for my son). I just think she's young and naive to the impact of her presence.

AIBU to feel that my son's girlfriend's behaviour isn't really on?

OP posts:
jadeywadeyyox · 19/09/2018 16:39

You sound like a very soft parent OP 😂 bless you.
You obviously have to say something, to BOTH of them.
He moved her in without even asking, and she sounds like an entitled spoilt brat who thinks cause she's a looker she should be waited in hand and foot.

My gosh, I'd go mental if someone came into my home and went on like that.
How disrespectful.

And I feel so sorry for YOU because she's there all bloody day and you have absolutely no time to yourself to just relax with your baby. I'm assuming you can always feel her presence and it must made you anxious and uncomfortable.

Shadow1234 · 19/09/2018 16:40

As another poster said, if she does start paying rent, it
would then give her more reason to think she has the right
to do what she wants in your house.

If it were me, I would have tell my son that she only comes
round when you are here (evenings), and if you are not happy
about that, then you will both have to find somewhere to live
together. (As a compromise, she could stay at weekends -
but no more cooking big dinners and eating all our food).

My son used to moan about paying house-keeping, until he did
move out, and couldnt believe how much everything cost. He
moved back home 6 months later and kindly offered me more
housekeeping. 😁

IsTheRainEverComingBack · 19/09/2018 16:40

I grew up in an overcrowded house, I spent a lot of time with boyfriends and then moved out at 19. I wouldn’t have moved myself into someone else’s house fulltime! You need to take a deep breath, pull on your big girl pants and tell them everything you’ve said to us here.

3luckystars · 19/09/2018 16:42

Just say ‘so what’s the plan with the living arrangements, as this can’t go on’ and shut your mouth then. Don’t say another word just see what they say.
Silence.

Open your eyes really wide, it’s called ‘the stare’ and just keep doing this at them.

TriptychTwins · 19/09/2018 16:42

Thing is, I'm afraid to bring this up to them because I know she's a nice girl who probably means well

No she isn't and no she doesn't. Ask her to leave. She's not your responsibility and she's being incredibly entitled and ungrateful. She also sounds like a total leech.

If your son doesn't like it, tough. It's your home, and your priority is your baby's well-being. Why isn't the girl working?

TomHardysNextWife · 19/09/2018 16:43

OP she's moved in.

I'm not sure what you think you can do about it 6 months down the line Hmm

fittedwardrobes · 19/09/2018 16:43

mirrivan I did a double take at that too. But then wondered if the reference to skimpy shorts and belly tops was linked to the fact that she then puts the heating on without asking.

BeigeExpo · 19/09/2018 16:44

Yep, sit them down together and exp-lain the realities of life, which in fairness may be news to them.
You can't afford another dependent
You're entitled to your privacy in your own home
You're entitled to first dibs on your bathroom facilities
Time to move out

CottonTailRabbit · 19/09/2018 16:44

Be careful how you do the chat with them. Be clear on what you want and why.

Personally, I would not sit her down for a chat at all. You don't have a relationship with her: you are not her mum and not her landlord. I'd tell DS you don't want a lodger. She is to stay over no more than 2 nights a week and must be out of the house when he is out of the house. You can be firmer with him than with her. Let him talk to her. You shouldn't have to.

Don't go through a list of how annoying she is. Simply stick to not wanting a lodger / second adult child.

bridgetreilly · 19/09/2018 16:45

"Son and gf, now that you're both living here, we need to agree on everyone's contribution to the household expenses and the household chores. This is the rent you each need to pay and these are the chores you need to do between you. I realise that in the longer term you'll be looking for your own place, shall we say by Christmas?"

trulybadlydeeply · 19/09/2018 16:47

You have to decide what would be acceptable to you. Would you find 1 or 2 nights ok? If so, tell them that. If you don't want her staying at all, tell them. Just tell them that it's not possible any longer, and you cannot afford to continue with this arrangement. It's YOUR hose, you decide what you want. If she does stay one or two nights a week, explain the rules you want in place, eg, no hogging the bathroom until you've gone to work etc. I don't think it's at all acceptable that she's in the house all day while he's at work.

FabulousTomatoes · 19/09/2018 16:47

I don’t know what’s been going on with mn recently but there has been a deluge of posts where dilemmas are enabled by spineless parents who tiptoe around their adult children, worrying about upsetting them should they have the temerity to stand up for their own bloody rights.

For the love of god op, put your foot down and stop enabling this nonsense! These young adults are the future of our country and they are growing up to be the most entitled bunch of so and sos ever!

Sorry, rant over. As someone who was brought up to stand on my own two feet and be respectful of my parents and those around me, these stories boil my piss.

Annandale · 19/09/2018 16:48

I would put money on the response to you being something about anxiety or a poorly defined health problem meaning she can't work.

Practise saying 'Mmhmm. Sorry to hear that. However...' and returning to the same message again about moving out separately or together. If they state she can't get a job, ask in an interested way how they are going to manage when she moves out. Dont offer help/lifts to tge Mind centre/help with gp registration etc etc.

This is not about dissing mh problems - it's about cf behaviour by someone who probably can't see their way forward to adult life. Sitting around your house is not going to help her.

womanofthesun · 19/09/2018 16:48

I mentioned the shorts and belly tops thing because I think it's a little inappropriate to walk around somebody else's house with such little clothes on, especially as there is another man in the house (my partner) - is this not a common view?

OP posts:
Aeroflotgirl · 19/09/2018 16:48

Tell your son, she has to go. This situation is unacceptable. Even if she pays rent, it sounds like you don't want her living with you.

DaysOfOld · 19/09/2018 16:48

I am not the most assertive person, but no way in HELL would I be tolerating this.

Sit them down TONIGHT, and tell them you want them to get a place together within a month.

@womanofthesun You're being mugged off!

Badtasteflump · 19/09/2018 16:51

Also wondering how she can be at your house all day without him? Please say she doesn't have a key?

And btw I wouldn't say anything about her staying 'two nights a week max'. There's no need. Sounds like they'll take the piss any chance they can so don't go giving them the option on a plate.

IsTheRainEverComingBack · 19/09/2018 16:51

Shorts and belly tops are fine for being in the house, they’re compfy. Are you concerned about your DP looking at her scantily dressed? Because if so that’s an issue with him not her.

Cheesenacho123 · 19/09/2018 16:52

I have been with my bf for around 10yrs, only moving in with him when pregnant to his parents house. I felt like a total burden for the 5 months I lived there because nobody said anything about what I was expected to do around the house (I was pregnant and then had a tiny baby but I don’t feel like that is an excuse not to do anything), In the end I moved out and got a place for us to be a family without his family. His mum would charge us rent like £200 each per month for food and house utility bills (no mortgage due to it being already paid up). Sit down and tell her straight she either pitches in, stays full time and gets a job or goes to college or leaves and only visits for a few days at a time.

Holidayshopping · 19/09/2018 16:53

I mentioned the shorts and belly tops thing because I think it's a little inappropriate to walk around somebody else's house with such little clothes on, especially as there is another man in the house (my partner) - is this not a common view?

Of all the things that are wrong with this situation, THAT is what you’re most bothered by?!

Shadow1234 · 19/09/2018 16:53

CottonTailrabbit, Im with you on this one.

No need to speak to girlfriend, you set the rules
with your son, then its up to him to tell the girlfriend
how its going to work out from here. If he doesnt
like what you say, then he has the option to leave.

Roussette · 19/09/2018 16:54

I wouldn't give a stuff about her wandering round in shorts and tops. I'd be more concerned about why she's there 24/7 in the first place.

I don’t know what’s been going on with mn recently but there has been a deluge of posts where dilemmas are enabled by spineless parents who tiptoe around their adult children, worrying about upsetting them should they have the temerity to stand up for their own bloody rights

^^ This.
I think I'll move into my friend's house up the road. I'll swan about not contributing any money, using all her water, sleep in her spare room and wait to be fed. I'll save a fortune!

OP do you ever stand up to your DS?

Rudgie47 · 19/09/2018 16:55

You don't need to give her any explanation at all OP, just tell her she will have to move out and go back home now. Tonight.
Tell you son, if he wants to live with her they will have to get a place together. Its really is that simple. Shes not nice at all shes a piss taker.

CuriousaboutSamphire · 19/09/2018 16:55

Shorts and belly tops are fine for being in the house, they’re compfy. Are you concerned about your DP looking at her scantily dressed? Because if so that’s an issue with him not her. Not entirely sure you have that right in this circumstance!

Being comfy in your own home, yes, wear what the hell you like.

But camp out in someone elses house and make them feel uncomfortable. Nope! T'aint OPs OH that has the problem, His safe space has been invaded by an uninvited visitor!

She is being thoughtless and rude in more ways than one and needs to be reminded that OPs house is not her home - and any invitation by OPs son is not a gold plated ticket to remain!

Andylion · 19/09/2018 16:57

Shorts and belly tops are fine for being in the house, they’re compfy

I think this level of comfy indicates how much she feels at home. I understand the OP's discomfort with it.

If they state she can't get a job, ask in an interested way how they are going to manage when she moves out

Don't use the phrase "move out", say "go home" as she doesn't officially live there. "Move out" gives her leeway to hang around until she "finds" a place. .

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