Son's girlfriend living with us and becoming a burden

[womanofthesun]

My son (20) seems to have moved his girlfriend into our house. From the day he introduced me to her back in April, she's spent every day and night here (with the exception of about 2). He works full-time and whilst he's at work, she'll spend the whole day in his room. That, alone, isn't the problem. The problem is that she's become a burden, both spatially and financially. She spends a lot of time in the bathroom doing her hair and make-up, which means that I'm often having to wait for her to finish before I can use my own bathroom. She's also been taking 2 showers a day - one in the morning and one in the evening (neither myself or my son have that many - we both have 1). Whilst she's having a shower, she often plays music from her phone too (which, to me, is an indication that she's gotten a little too cosy here). When my son returns from work, he'll cook an elaborate dinner for them both (he's a very good cook), and whilst he's sweating in the kitchen after a long day's work, she'll either be in his bedroom waiting to be handed a plate, or sat in the kitchen, watching him do all the work. In fact, this is the case with any household activity - he'll cook/clean/tidy whilst she'll just watch, usually whilst scrolling through her phone. She's also taken to swanning around the house in little shorts and belly tops. I've even see her put the heating and hot water on whilst my son is at work. She knows we're a family that struggles, financially, so to have her use our utilities this way is quite stressful. I've even caught her spitting in our garden whilst sat outside smoking. I just find that she's being quite disrespectful, now. AIBU to feel this way? His old girlfriend was really helpful and would always help him with household things. She was very respectful and kept her presence within the house quite small (she also spent most nights in her own home). This one doesn't seem to understand boundaries. One time she was ill with a cold and was coughing and sneezing quite freely around the house. As I have a young baby, I had to ask her to leave on that occasion and come back only when she is better - I didn't want my baby getting sick (he already has an autoimmune disorder which makes his immune system weak, which I explained to her). My son does give me a certain amount of his wage each month for his keep, but not enough to cover what's being used by the extra body to be honest. And, to be honest, no amount of money would make up for the inconvenience caused by her constant physical presence within the house.

Thing is, I'm afraid to bring this up to them because I know she's a nice girl who probably means well (although I do feel that she feels quite entitled to my son's treatment and the benefits of technically living with us - I think she feels she's a "catch" for my son). I just think she's young and naive to the impact of her presence.

AIBU to feel that my son's girlfriend's behaviour isn't really on?

[InertPotato]

She's also taken to swanning around the house in little shorts and belly tops.
What's that ^ doing in your list? Saying that makes you look like a dick when it's her that's the dick.

Ignore that - my husband would be fucking mortified to have an 18 year old swanning around as such and it's not because he'd find it hard to resist, it's because he's old-fashioned and entitled to it in his own home.

You need to have a chat pronto, I have no idea how you've let it get this far. They obviously need to find a place of their own.

[GetOffTheTableMabel]

I find it so hard to imagine this.
Dd1 is 18 in a couple of weeks. She’s welcome to live with me for as long as she wants. She’s welcome to invite people to visit/stay with her but, they’re visiting her, not me. When she leaves, they leave. If she’s not here, why would they be? I’m starting to wonder if that’s really weird of me but it wouldn’t occur to me (or her, I think) that her guests would be in our house if she was not.

[Roussette]

Yes, this girl is a problem and a she's a pisstaker but it seems to me as if the main crux of the matter is the fact that OP's DS has zero respect for his DM and just moves in his GF without even having the decency to ask his DM or discuss it.

[Dychmygol]

My MIL has this problem but with her daughter and boyfriend. She's been far too passive and now the boyfriend virtually lives there. He even has a key!

She now feels that it's gone on so long 4 fucking years that if she puts her foot down now it'll damage her relationship with SIL. DH wants to tell them to sling their hook because he feels that his mother is being taken advantage of. It's like the elephant in the room every time we visit.

Put your foot down now and stick to it before you have her living with you officially and all her mail comes to you!

[ApolloandDaphne]

Time for a frank chat with DS and his CF GF. They need to find their own place or she needs to make a contribution to the household and adhere to your house rules.

[1981fishgut]

wizzywig

If you don't need his rent, spell it out clearly that the behaviour isn't on




Taking rent from young adults is not about needing the money it’s about teaching them nothing now comes from free as they are adults it’s gets them in the habit of having to spend their money on things other than Glastonbury tickets and fucking yezzeys

[Fairylea]

She has to go. There’s no way I would put up with this. The odd weekend here and there, sure. But she’s moved in!

[Gitfeatures]

You don't sit 'them' down - you're clearly a soft touch and will fold at the slightest argument. You speak to your son and tell him that the good times are over and she now needs to go home. You then set some very clear ground rules:

• no more than 2 non-consecutive nights over per week (ie she needs to go home in-between)
  
• she doesn't arrive before he gets home from work
  

-she leaves when he leaves in the morning

• 20mins bathroom time in the morning. Max. If she wants to take a leisurely shower, she does it at home.
  

Honestly OP, have a word with yourself, this situation is beyond ridiculous.

[Roussette]

What is up with people that they don't guard or relish their privacy in their own homes? They let some stranger just move in and take advantage... why???

I know my DC's boyfriends and girlfriend but no way are they just going to move into OUR house!

[womanofthesun]

HolidayShopping who said I'm most bothered by it? I listed it amongst other things. Not sure where you got 'most' from. It was a passing statement.

[Roussette]

Because womanofthesun it's the one thing you came back about. Nothing else

[Angrybird345]

They both need to grow up, and you need to help your son to stop being taken for a mug/easy ride.

[IWannaSeeHowItEnds]

That's a little unfair Rain. If someone was walking around my house half dressed, I wouldn't be able to help looking - it's a normal reaction. OP and her partner shouldn't have to avert their eyes or feel uncomfortable in their own house.

[Roussette]

They both need to grow up, and you need to help your son to stop being taken for a mug/easy ride

I'm not sure it's the son who's the mug here....

[nomilknosugarplease]

Completely agree this is a piss take OP - you’re well within your right to say something. I’d just double check that your DS doesn’t play a bigger part in this before you speak to her as I’ve been there and made a fool of myself. DS’s old girlfriend sounds very very similar and I ended up having a stern chat with her about it... I found out that she’d actually been constantly anxiously asking DS if it was ok for her to always be here and to use the shower/food/etc and DS had been saying yes it’s 100% fine make yourself at home I’ve spoken to my mum about it loads and she doesn’t mind

[womanofthesun]

Roussette I came back about it because it's the one thing I felt was misunderstood/misinterpreted.

[CottonTailRabbit]

What do you plan to say? Which one of them will you say it to? Will you cave if they make sad puppy faces?

[Roussette]

OP the shorts and tops are the least of your worries to be honest. I'd be concerned about why she's there in the first place and has been for six whole months taking advantage of you.

[AlexaAmbidextra]

How on earth have you let this carry on for months? I’d have been saying something after she’d stayed in my house for three nights.

[Jamjarmama]

Does she not have a job? I would be telling them in no uncertain terms the time has come to get their own place

[SirVixofVixHall]

Blimey op you are a very tolerant and kind person, I wouldn’t have lasted two weeks with this. She is absolutely taking advantage of your kindness and that makes me really cross. Where are her parents in this ? Are they not pointing out that she’s taking the mick ?
Yes, tell her you don’t want anyone else living in your house and that she seems to have moved in. Ask her to stay at her own home from now on. I think two or three nights a week sleeping over might be ok, but even that seems a lot . Not staying in your house while your ds isn’t there, that is outrageous ! I am stunned by the cheek of this !

[Janus]

Where’s her mother in all this?? Hasn’t she wondered where her daughter is?!
I’d say the same as others, when your son leaves she leaves the house. In fact maybe just stay at the weekends but they can’t just stay under your feet all weekend.
I’d say time for a Frank but fair chat with just your son along the lines of ‘I’m not quite sure how we’ve got her but your gf is living with us. I don’t mind the odd night staying over but find it uncomfortable when she’s here when you’re not. I have a stranger in my house so I cannot relax and that’s not fair is it?’. I’m sure he’ll see your point.

[womanofthesun]

Ok, I have a plan.

I'll speak to DS about it, not the both of them (as some posters have suggested). I won't ask her to pay rent because I want her here less - not for longer. I'll tell DS that she has to either give us some space as a family and is allowed here a few times a week (2 nights max, as suggested, and with 1 shower privilege per day), or he needs to think about moving out with her!

[theworldistoosmall]

You are both being taken for mugs.
Him for putting up with the lazy scrounger (whats the female cocklodger?)
And op for allowing this to go on for so long. When mine were here as adults we had a chat about boundaries etc. Yes, they are adults and contributing, but they also have to consider others. Partners could stay but not every night and if my child wasn't in the house, neither was their partner. They have their own home to fuck off to.
She needs to start going home and you working out how many nights she can stay. And yes night. He's not there, neither is she. Not your problem that her parents are overcrowded. She is making yours overcrowded.