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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Son's girlfriend living with us and becoming a burden

499 replies

womanofthesun · 19/09/2018 15:29

My son (20) seems to have moved his girlfriend into our house. From the day he introduced me to her back in April, she's spent every day and night here (with the exception of about 2). He works full-time and whilst he's at work, she'll spend the whole day in his room. That, alone, isn't the problem. The problem is that she's become a burden, both spatially and financially. She spends a lot of time in the bathroom doing her hair and make-up, which means that I'm often having to wait for her to finish before I can use my own bathroom. She's also been taking 2 showers a day - one in the morning and one in the evening (neither myself or my son have that many - we both have 1). Whilst she's having a shower, she often plays music from her phone too (which, to me, is an indication that she's gotten a little too cosy here). When my son returns from work, he'll cook an elaborate dinner for them both (he's a very good cook), and whilst he's sweating in the kitchen after a long day's work, she'll either be in his bedroom waiting to be handed a plate, or sat in the kitchen, watching him do all the work. In fact, this is the case with any household activity - he'll cook/clean/tidy whilst she'll just watch, usually whilst scrolling through her phone. She's also taken to swanning around the house in little shorts and belly tops. I've even see her put the heating and hot water on whilst my son is at work. She knows we're a family that struggles, financially, so to have her use our utilities this way is quite stressful. I've even caught her spitting in our garden whilst sat outside smoking. I just find that she's being quite disrespectful, now. AIBU to feel this way? His old girlfriend was really helpful and would always help him with household things. She was very respectful and kept her presence within the house quite small (she also spent most nights in her own home). This one doesn't seem to understand boundaries. One time she was ill with a cold and was coughing and sneezing quite freely around the house. As I have a young baby, I had to ask her to leave on that occasion and come back only when she is better - I didn't want my baby getting sick (he already has an autoimmune disorder which makes his immune system weak, which I explained to her). My son does give me a certain amount of his wage each month for his keep, but not enough to cover what's being used by the extra body to be honest. And, to be honest, no amount of money would make up for the inconvenience caused by her constant physical presence within the house.

Thing is, I'm afraid to bring this up to them because I know she's a nice girl who probably means well (although I do feel that she feels quite entitled to my son's treatment and the benefits of technically living with us - I think she feels she's a "catch" for my son). I just think she's young and naive to the impact of her presence.

AIBU to feel that my son's girlfriend's behaviour isn't really on?

OP posts:
Popc0rn · 22/09/2018 00:46

@Wispaismyfave

You're not serious?! You stayed half the week in your boyfriends parents house for FIVE YEARS while you were saving for a house, and never offered to help around the house, cook a meal, or contribute in any way?! But that was okay to you, cos they had a cleaner, LOL. Wow. One of the biggest CF I've seen on mumsnet Grin

Zebra31 · 22/09/2018 07:21

Wispaismydave you fell out with your in laws for over stepping boundaries even though you had overstepped boundaries by living in their home rent free, eating their food for free, not helping out round the house or offering to pay for the cleaner for 5 years? If I have that right then that is behaving like CF.

ferntwist · 22/09/2018 07:43

Wispa you sound unbelievably CF. I feel sorry for your MIL and am not surprised it all came out in a letter. Hope you can find the humility to make it up to her one day.

ButchyRestingFace · 22/09/2018 09:30

I didn't ever want to stay at their house, it was just my boyfriend refused to stay at mine.

Unless there is some backstory about your home being modelled on The Old Woman who lived in a shoe, that would have suggested to me your boyfriend was a bit of a prat.

Gemini69 · 22/09/2018 14:42

Wispaismydave you fell out with your in laws for over stepping boundaries even though you had overstepped boundaries by living in their home rent free, eating their food for free, not helping out round the house or offering to pay for the cleaner for 5 years? If I have that right then that is behaving like CF.

I have to agree...

VimFuego101 · 22/09/2018 20:33

Wispa sounds like a bit of a piss taker. I really hate it when people trot out 'if they'd told me they didn't like it, I'd have stopped doing it'. Why put the onus on others to tell you you're behaving badly?

Canary123 · 22/09/2018 21:31

Did you have it out with them op? Flowers

QueenDoria · 22/09/2018 21:39

Please please can all parents of adult children NOT allow boyfriend/girlfriends to stay overnight. Not on any moral grounds (who cares about premarital sex these days) but on CFuckery grounds...

Beautifullymixed · 23/09/2018 11:27

Also, parents of younger children, need to bring their offspring up to offer to help around the house.
To cook a meal, to clear up after meals, to shop, tidy up or run a hoover around.
Or maybe, to chip in towards fuel/food/essentials - then these situations need not arise!

silvercuckoo · 24/09/2018 15:40

Why is turning the heating on unreasonable if she's cold? Escapes me.

Chocolatecoffeeaddict · 24/09/2018 15:51

Silvercuckoo, because she isn't paying the bills and it's rude and entitled.

YeTalkShiteHen · 24/09/2018 16:01

Why is turning the heating on unreasonable if she's cold? (my return key is broken so I can’t do paragraphs) eh because she doesn’t pay the bill? If she’s cold she could put a jumper on.

Rebecca36 · 24/09/2018 16:49

I can't do paragraphs either YeTalkShiteHen, it started a little earlier today. A real pain! It didn't occur to me that my return key was broken - I thought maybe I'd pressed something in error that prevented returns. Ah well, now I shall investigate further. Back to thread I wish the op would - return - and give us an update.

silvercuckoo · 24/09/2018 16:58

Ah ok, I see, I thought it is some sort of a control issue. I remember when I first came to the UK I rented a room, and the owner lady went absolutely ballistic and threw me out immediately after I turned the heating on in December. Grin If an extra shower a day or keeping an extra person warm is unaffordable then, of course, something has to be done re the living arrangements.

Rebecca36 · 24/09/2018 17:06

silvercuckoo, what a horrible experience for you on arrival in the UK. Most landlords would not be like that, honestly. .......................YeTalkshiteHen - it's not your return key that's broken, it's a Mumsnet problem. A thread has been started with several people complaining about the same issue. Mine works fine everywhere else.

YeTalkShiteHen · 24/09/2018 17:21

Rebecca36 I smashed my phone this morning Sad

mantlepiece · 24/09/2018 19:57

We had a policy that girlfriends were very welcome to stay but they slept in the guest bedroom. We have a large family and I felt I did not want copulating one night stands or fly by night girlfriends taking over my home. It has worked very well to be honest, we have accommodated girlfriends who are now wives, no hard feelings about the spare room. They now come and sleep in double beds and bring the travel cot haha.

BelindaTheBadger · 24/09/2018 20:06

Jesus wispa, your poor in-laws. You took advantage when you needed them (and their big house) by the sounds of things. Now you’re sitting pretty in your own home you don’t want them around “overstepping boundaries” Hmm. Your husband should be utterly ashamed of himself and of you tbh.

hettie · 24/09/2018 20:51

Why are all these adults living with their mums/boyfriends mums? It's so fucking entitled..... Why not flat share... The cheek of sponging off another adult.... I'm flabagasted tbh

hazeydays14 · 24/09/2018 21:14

We lived with DPs parents for a year whilst we saved for a deposit on our house. DPs mum charged us a small amount each (£150 compared to £500 plus for a house share before bills in our area). I don’t think it’s that uncommon for adult children to live at home these days. Doesn’t give them the excuse to take over and not contribute anything meaningful, of course, but I don’t think it made us CFs! Confused

ShellieEllie · 24/09/2018 21:20

Udate op?

ShellieEllie · 24/09/2018 21:21

*Update

Ragwort · 25/09/2018 18:45

I agree Hettie - I don't understand why so many parents seem to put up with their adult children living at home and moving their partners in; fine, if you want to live at home and save a deposit - but don't assume that you can bring your GF/BF to live with you as well Confused. I would have been mortified to have shared a bedroom with my boyfriend in my parents' home.

I think some parents want to appear 'cool' and let it be far too cosy for their grown up children to have a cushy life at home.

MustShowDH · 25/09/2018 23:24

Saw all the new posts and hoped there was an update.

NameChangeJustThisOnce1 · 25/09/2018 23:39

Tell her to get a fucking job

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