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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Son's girlfriend living with us and becoming a burden

499 replies

womanofthesun · 19/09/2018 15:29

My son (20) seems to have moved his girlfriend into our house. From the day he introduced me to her back in April, she's spent every day and night here (with the exception of about 2). He works full-time and whilst he's at work, she'll spend the whole day in his room. That, alone, isn't the problem. The problem is that she's become a burden, both spatially and financially. She spends a lot of time in the bathroom doing her hair and make-up, which means that I'm often having to wait for her to finish before I can use my own bathroom. She's also been taking 2 showers a day - one in the morning and one in the evening (neither myself or my son have that many - we both have 1). Whilst she's having a shower, she often plays music from her phone too (which, to me, is an indication that she's gotten a little too cosy here). When my son returns from work, he'll cook an elaborate dinner for them both (he's a very good cook), and whilst he's sweating in the kitchen after a long day's work, she'll either be in his bedroom waiting to be handed a plate, or sat in the kitchen, watching him do all the work. In fact, this is the case with any household activity - he'll cook/clean/tidy whilst she'll just watch, usually whilst scrolling through her phone. She's also taken to swanning around the house in little shorts and belly tops. I've even see her put the heating and hot water on whilst my son is at work. She knows we're a family that struggles, financially, so to have her use our utilities this way is quite stressful. I've even caught her spitting in our garden whilst sat outside smoking. I just find that she's being quite disrespectful, now. AIBU to feel this way? His old girlfriend was really helpful and would always help him with household things. She was very respectful and kept her presence within the house quite small (she also spent most nights in her own home). This one doesn't seem to understand boundaries. One time she was ill with a cold and was coughing and sneezing quite freely around the house. As I have a young baby, I had to ask her to leave on that occasion and come back only when she is better - I didn't want my baby getting sick (he already has an autoimmune disorder which makes his immune system weak, which I explained to her). My son does give me a certain amount of his wage each month for his keep, but not enough to cover what's being used by the extra body to be honest. And, to be honest, no amount of money would make up for the inconvenience caused by her constant physical presence within the house.

Thing is, I'm afraid to bring this up to them because I know she's a nice girl who probably means well (although I do feel that she feels quite entitled to my son's treatment and the benefits of technically living with us - I think she feels she's a "catch" for my son). I just think she's young and naive to the impact of her presence.

AIBU to feel that my son's girlfriend's behaviour isn't really on?

OP posts:
fieryginger · 21/09/2018 08:15

I could have written this! Snap!

I really, really like DS's gf though. She does help around the house too. They're hoping to move out soon but I do like my space and that's been the difficult bit.

I'm hoping, when I look back on this time, that I look at it as a chance for us to have gotten to know each other. Also, in a house full of males, it's nice to have another female to talk too.

It is hard work though, it's hard to totally relax in your own home.

MumsTheWordYouKnow · 21/09/2018 08:30

It sounds like very odd behaviour for someone of her age and why haven’t you asked her about her never going home to visit her family. It sounds like she’s been kicked out or fallen out with them.

JuJu2017 · 21/09/2018 08:32

You need to set some ground rules. You can do it nicely by just sitting everyone down and saying that everyone needs to help more around the house. There are three people and a baby (not counting a partner of yours if there is one) and given that you need to look after baby, you need some help. She’ll either say oh yes I will help out or get the huff and stay at her house a little longer. You could try speaking to your son directly but he could take that as you slagging her off? With regards to the smoking just put your foot down and say this is my house and I do not tolerate smoking. It does sound like she’s using you but she could also just be a bit ditzy. I’d like to see it she gets away with this at home.
One thing though is try not to compare her to your son’s ex. They’re different people and your son will not like you doing that.

Roussette · 21/09/2018 09:16

Op, just state some ground rules. 2 to 3 nights max

I wouldn't even want this... week in week out 2 to 3 nights a week, someone living with you. No, not for me.

Wispaismyfave · 21/09/2018 09:47

I was the girlfriend staying at my then boyfriends parents house once, although granted it was a few times a week and I literally only arrived at 9pm when he finished work and left in the morning for work myself, I didn't really eat there much either. This went on for 5 years though whilst we saved for a house. We'd moved back after uni, so they'd had their house to themselves for a few years, so that probably made things more difficult.

I never wanted to stay there but my boyfriend refused to stay at mine as my parents house was smaller than his parents huge 5 bed house. We had an entire floor to ourselves! His parents never said anything to me in the 5 years I stayed and would cook me Sunday dinner, they were very kind. I don't cook either so sometimes if I did have a meal other than Sunday dinner it would be my boyfriend cooking for me, often an elaborate meal whilst I sat and chatted to him. I could never relax in their house though and felt like I shouldn't be there but my boyfriend would tell me they don't mind at all.

Fast forward 8 years later, we are married with 2 children and bought our own home over 3 years ago. We had a big fallout with my in laws over them trying to be too over involved in our lives, blurred boundaries from my now husband living at home so long. The fallout ended up with my mil writing a letter to me (we live 2 miles away and have phones FYI) in her ranty letter she wrote how I had lived in her house for 5 years and never paid rent, never did the housework (she had a cleaner lol) and ate her food. I didn't "live" in her house I stayed over 3 times a week when he was there! She said she had been very generous to not charge me rent!! Now the thing is in all the time I was there she never once mentioned me staying over, never once asked for money (my boyfriend paid rent though) and more often than not offered me food, which 9 times out of 10 I refused as I ate at home. I didn't ever want to stay at their house, it was just my boyfriend refused to stay at mine.

Had my now mother in law mentioned at the time how she wasn't happy i'd have stopped staying over. I asked her 8 years later if she'd like the rent back paid? There isn't a lot you can do about such a situation 8 years later.

So yes I'd say something now if I was you. The chances are your son has said to his girlfriend that you don't mind her being there and that he prefers to stay around yours as they have more space. She more than likely feels awkward but he'll be telling her it's fine. So tell her it's not, otherwise you'll still be pissed off in 8 years time and penning her an angry letter wanting 8 years rent arrears!

LyingWitchInTheWardrobe2726 · 21/09/2018 09:54

I'm sorry, Wispa but you don't sound very cognisant. You stayed over three times a week - and you were there all day on Sunday (to have Sunday dinner?). Your husband doesn't sound that respectful either to be honest and just because his parents had the bigger house didn't mean that he didn't need to be aware of the encroachment.

Also, the fact that they had a cleaner is IRRELEVANT... unless you were paying the cleaner now and again?

You were in their space for five years and neither you or your husband acknowledge his parents for that. I agree with you that the OP should nip this in the bud now but from her perspective rather than yours which seems a bit 'hard done by'.

Whattheheq · 21/09/2018 10:16

WTF. Is this how you live?
You need to be told what is reasonable behaviour and what isn’t?

Of course not 🙄 But this is an 18 year old girl who was probably told, by her boyfriend and then the op not saying otherwise, that she’s okay to stay over. Other than the turning the heating on she isn't really doing anything unreasonable, plenty of people have 2 showers a day and if that’s what you’ve done all your life you wouldn’t think about it being unreasonable and for all we know she may have offered to help cook and with housework but was always told no by her boyfriend.

Obviously if the OP wants her to leave then she should and if she doesn’t then she is being unreasonable but right now she has no idea she isn’t welcome, as no one said a peep in the half a year she’s been there, therefore doesn’t know she’s being a cf.

Helenisat29 · 21/09/2018 10:29

Hello Womanofthesun
I think you're great, you are obviously caring and loving. I totally get how this has got this far, you want to please everybody. You clearly love your DS and maybe you're worried he will take offence

However, YOU MATTER TOO, you and your DP, and the baby (that everybody seems to have forgotten). With a young baby with his/her own health probs you're probably rushed off your feet, and anxious. The extra work, the worry about money, and the extra pressure of someone invading your house must make this worse which can cause health probs too and that won't help the baby.

I understand how this got this far, but you owe it to yourself, your DP, (who probably isn't too pleased about the situation either) and the baby to do something about it.

Unfortunately you don't know the circumstances of her own home, there may controlling or abuse issues not just overcrowding. That might be why your son let her stay. You might need to ask quietly why she's not gone home? It might be better to ask your DS on his own, she would probably dissolve in tears and make you feel a heel. If this is the case you might have to rethink her moving out, but it's not fair to have a freeloading lodger hoisted on your family.

I'd be inclined to give your DS and/or his GF this thread to read, it would open their eyes and make them realise how unreasonable their behaviour is. They may not even have thought it. Get your DS/GF in a room, hand DS?/GF the tablet and say, "Read this" and don't let him out till they have!

You do need to make some very firm ground rules. But work them out first, because YOU NEED TO STICK STICK WITH THEM. And don't let them slip, however reasonable it sounds. If you want her to move out just make sure you can live with any consequences, BUT the situation is impossible for you and you certainly need to sort it. Be careful you don't compromise with your DS, you do like to please everyone. There'll be all sort of reasons, STICK with it! and don't be put off by tears.

Perhaps your DP should be there to help you|? if only as a silent back stiffener! I assume he isn't the DF of your DS, or he would surely have stepped in, but he has to live with the situation too. Steel yourself for the (inevitable?) tears, or be prepared for a row. Either way it need only happen once and you'll feel so much better when you've had your say.

Best of luck. Please let us know what happens.

SnorkFavour · 21/09/2018 10:29

OP, you should have known not to mention the belly tops etc on Mumsnet, most of the posters here are sanctimonious pricks whose partners would NEVER look at a young girl inappropriately and nor would they ever feel the slightest pang of jealousy if they did HAHA!!

I can admit that I'd absolutely hate that, it'd make me feel really awful having that in my face 24/7, I completely understand.

When you've dealt with getting rid of her can you please promise to update me? It's really annoying me now! Two showers a day and even when your son isn't present? Unbelievable how entitled people are!

SpiritedLondon · 21/09/2018 10:34

She doesn’t think she’s doing anything wrong? Well clearly not. How shallow and self absorbed do you have to be to move yourself into a house where there is a young baby and not lift a finger to help. To effectively leech off them. To switch on the heating when you’re a bit nippy ( while sitting in some skimpy outfit) - to let other people provide your meals - to not offer to clear the table, load the dishwasher / wash up etc etc etc This girl is in the house for long periods of time with the OP when the son is not there and it’s ridiculous to suggest that she’s not being unreasonable. She has plenty of opportunity to speak to the OP and ask if she’s ok with her staying. I would be mortified to raise a child who thought this was OK.

Motoko · 21/09/2018 10:35

SummerIsEasy

Why on earth are you still doing your 27 years old daughter's washing? I taught my kids how to use the washing machine at 14.

Someone else asked what OP's partner thinks about this, that question's been asked a few times, and OP hasn't answered. I'm sure he must have said something about the situation. I suspect he's not the son's dad, and maybe he moved into OP's house, so feels he can't speak to the son about this himself.

Wispa I hope you offered to help when you were there for dinner. And just because someone has a cleaner, it doesn't mean that no cleaning needs doing in between the cleaner's visits.

You shouldn't have relied on your husband's reassurances that his parents didn't mind you staying over, you should have checked with them. And also, he "refused" to stay over at yours? I'd have put my foot down about that. It wasn't fair on his parents, or you, that you always stayed at his.

DaniC18 · 21/09/2018 10:47

I agree with PP. YANBU, i would speak to your son and explain that you don't feel comfortable having her in the house so much and that the bills have increased a lot since she began staying there. She should get a job and they can begin saving for a place of their own. Surely at 20 with a full time job he is ready to move out?x

Mummblebee · 21/09/2018 11:10

I thought this was a joke. I read this entire post with my mouth gawping open lol. Liberty after liberty. You sound like a lovely person but please don't let people take advantage of your kind nature. I would suggest writing a notice listing terms and conditions / House rules to get your point across without the awkwardness of actually having the conversation. Let them read it with their mouths gawping open and get their acts together or get out! Your house. Your rules. Simple. Don't like it? Door. That way! :')

LyingWitchInTheWardrobe2726 · 21/09/2018 11:22

Snork, I'd be more bothered about the heating bills and that doesn't make me a 'sanctimonious prick'.

I did smile to myself about your 'entitlement' rant and in the same breath urging the OP to promise to respond to YOU! Ironic and a bit pathetic, but funny. Grin

Hodge00079 · 21/09/2018 11:45

I was thinking that may be she feels uncomfortable doing chores etc as not her house. People doing things different way. However you said she watches son. If she wanted to help this would be time to do so.

Sounds like she has gone the other way at your home. Or may be her mother isn’t strict and she is just lazy.

You mentioned a baby. No sure if you have other kids at home. Her not lifting a finger wouldn’t be a good example to them.

I would probably say she can only stay one night a week and there will be ground rules. If that goes well may be increase to two. May be she might appreciate staying and be a bit more considerate. If she doesn’t follow rules she doesn’t stay.

The colder weather is on the way so no way can you be putting up with her turning up the heating etc.

If you haven’t had the chat with son hope it goes ok.

BunnyCarr · 21/09/2018 12:05

Fucking hell - I cannot believe what some people put up with on here.
I'd have slung her out after one night.

Gemini69 · 21/09/2018 14:46

Fucking hell - I cannot believe what some people put up with on here.
I'd have slung her out after one night.

finally.. someone after my own heart hahahaaaaa Grin

Touchmybum · 21/09/2018 14:49

Your son needs rid. She is a lazy sponger who is just taking the piss. Get her and let him go too if he wants - I'd think it wouldn't be too long before he comes crawling back.

I don't know why she needs 2 showers a day - it's not like she is breaking out in a sweat doing anything (apart from the obvious!!)

Confusedbeetle · 21/09/2018 14:52

You did not invite this girl to live with you. Conversation needed

TantricTwist · 21/09/2018 15:17

It's your house you are the adult so quite honestly you should have said something ages ago. The girl probably has no idea how you feel because you've never said anything.

That said you have a baby, so I would use this fact very much to my advantage and tell her that she has to leave asap and go back to her own house where her parents live because you want your own house to yourself because you are tired and that's that.

Plumbuddle · 21/09/2018 23:04

Why does it make the op look like a dick to object to a young woman swanning round the house in shorts and belly tops? It's not dickish to want women not to wander round in your own home if you personally think they look underdressed.

PurpleTigerLove · 21/09/2018 23:21

Why did you let her stay in the first place . Does she not have a home to go to ? Send her packing , if they want to live together let them both work and save and then save some more and get their own house . He’s taking he piss but youvelet him . Good luck !

PurpleTigerLove · 21/09/2018 23:23

Also as soon as young people start going out together they have to practically live together . What the hell is that all about ? What happened to dating and going home at night to your own home .

Tistheseason17 · 21/09/2018 23:44

YANBU, OP.

Rebecca36 · 21/09/2018 23:55

PurpleTigerLove Fri 21-Sep-18 23:23:20
Also as soon as young people start going out together they have to practically live together . What the hell is that all about ? What happened to dating and going home at night to your own home .
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Quite agree.

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