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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Son's girlfriend living with us and becoming a burden

499 replies

womanofthesun · 19/09/2018 15:29

My son (20) seems to have moved his girlfriend into our house. From the day he introduced me to her back in April, she's spent every day and night here (with the exception of about 2). He works full-time and whilst he's at work, she'll spend the whole day in his room. That, alone, isn't the problem. The problem is that she's become a burden, both spatially and financially. She spends a lot of time in the bathroom doing her hair and make-up, which means that I'm often having to wait for her to finish before I can use my own bathroom. She's also been taking 2 showers a day - one in the morning and one in the evening (neither myself or my son have that many - we both have 1). Whilst she's having a shower, she often plays music from her phone too (which, to me, is an indication that she's gotten a little too cosy here). When my son returns from work, he'll cook an elaborate dinner for them both (he's a very good cook), and whilst he's sweating in the kitchen after a long day's work, she'll either be in his bedroom waiting to be handed a plate, or sat in the kitchen, watching him do all the work. In fact, this is the case with any household activity - he'll cook/clean/tidy whilst she'll just watch, usually whilst scrolling through her phone. She's also taken to swanning around the house in little shorts and belly tops. I've even see her put the heating and hot water on whilst my son is at work. She knows we're a family that struggles, financially, so to have her use our utilities this way is quite stressful. I've even caught her spitting in our garden whilst sat outside smoking. I just find that she's being quite disrespectful, now. AIBU to feel this way? His old girlfriend was really helpful and would always help him with household things. She was very respectful and kept her presence within the house quite small (she also spent most nights in her own home). This one doesn't seem to understand boundaries. One time she was ill with a cold and was coughing and sneezing quite freely around the house. As I have a young baby, I had to ask her to leave on that occasion and come back only when she is better - I didn't want my baby getting sick (he already has an autoimmune disorder which makes his immune system weak, which I explained to her). My son does give me a certain amount of his wage each month for his keep, but not enough to cover what's being used by the extra body to be honest. And, to be honest, no amount of money would make up for the inconvenience caused by her constant physical presence within the house.

Thing is, I'm afraid to bring this up to them because I know she's a nice girl who probably means well (although I do feel that she feels quite entitled to my son's treatment and the benefits of technically living with us - I think she feels she's a "catch" for my son). I just think she's young and naive to the impact of her presence.

AIBU to feel that my son's girlfriend's behaviour isn't really on?

OP posts:
Annette69 · 20/09/2018 20:20

Hi, just want to say you sound a lovely, kind person and i wish I had some of your patience and understanding as I would have flipped after the first week. You sound like you have a plan and hopefully things will get sorted quickly. 🌼🌼

Motoko · 20/09/2018 20:35

@womanofthesun did you speak to your son last night? How did it go?

Strongmummy · 20/09/2018 20:42

Why isn’t your son living elsewhere with his girlfriend? Why aren’t you telling your son that he is being disrespectful for allowing someone into your home who is being so Rude? To be honest your issue should be with your son. Tell him to move out or tell him to kick her out

browneyes77 · 20/09/2018 20:49

@wheatmint

Please do come back and tell us why you waited 6 months, OP?

The OP has already answered this twice. She said she has problems being assertive and didn’t know how to broach the subject.

OP I think you’re right to talk to your son first. He invited her, therefore she is his responsibility whilst in your home. She’s either really naive and dim about boundaries and lacks a basic understanding of respect or she’s being a CF.

She needs to be told though as she’s taking the piss.

Hope the convo with your son goes ok. Let us know how you got on!

Loreleigh · 20/09/2018 21:04

I don't think you are being unreasonable. The unreasonable parts of all this are your son for taking the piss in assuming he can move his girlfriend into your home, in paying less in 'keep' than it costs to keep him living there etc, and his girlfriend who is a freeloading, lazy, workshy, self-centered young woman in severe need of a reality check and a good kick up the arse to learn how the real world works. It is also inconsiderate to cost you extra money on your household bills - just tell her to leave controls etc the fuck alone. You should be able to use the facilities in your own home without having to wait for her to finish preening, and anyone who spends time constantly staring at their phone when in company is just plain ignorant and I find this rude and unacceptable behaviour that you should not have to tolerate. Maybe you need to sit your son, or the pair of them, down and tell them she needs to move out and if he doesn't like it he is welcome to look for a place for the two of them ASAP (she may have to get a bloody job then) - time to be more assertive and get your home and life back. They may well be a young couple so wrapped up in themselves that they haven't even considering the cost, the emotional roller-coaster, the space-invader type of implications having her there is causing, but that is no excuse and if they are unaware make them aware! I think you need to tackle this before the growing resentment builds further. Good luck Flowers

DiWoo · 20/09/2018 21:08

@Gemini69 yes I may be giving her too much of the benefit of the doubt but I'd prefer to know the full story before making assumptions. That said, the GF's story is irrelevant and the OP has to do something if she wants the situation to change and you can see by my suggestion of what to do, that my kindness doesn't extend to there!

fiona25 · 20/09/2018 21:14

just as a side note: don't tar us all with the same brush. my ex was physically and emotionally abusive and I was kept in his mum's house whilst he worked. he was a known pillar of the community yet no 1 believed me. the mental control was uunbelievable and went on for years. so much so that after being released from hospital (severe self harming and ovrdose) I went home. then to his. obviously this isn't the case here but please be thoughtful x

Gemini69 · 20/09/2018 21:44

OP... I hope you are able to express your need for this Lassie to move out Flowers

SummerIsEasy · 20/09/2018 22:13

OP, I hope you have managed to set some boundaries by now.

We knew of other parents who found themselves in similar situations, so when ours were young adults, we made it clear that partners were welcome only if it was arranged beforehand. They were guests and expected to behave as such.

It sounds old fashioned but we both worked full-time with very early morning starts. We explained that during the week no-one could ever stay. We said “guests” had to leave before we went to bed, as we didn’t want to be kept awake by late night tv or chattering.

As others have said GF may get pregnant and would not be a priority for social housing if living with you.

My daughter is still at home as a mature student of 27. This is her choice entirely, but she has enjoyed living rent free, all food and laundry done for years and plans to move out with her BF in the new year. He is always polite and although he arrives most Fridays and stays all weekend, he leaves on Sunday night before we go to bed.

We happily cook for them and enjoy their company, but his own parents are still together and I think they would be upset if he didn’t spend time at home as well.

Esspee · 20/09/2018 22:21

Just checking in to see whether the OP has solved her problem yet.

pinkstripeycat · 20/09/2018 22:33

I’m afraid I would not be able to keep quiet. I wouldn’t expect my own children to behave this way so certainly wouldn’t allow my sons GF to. The spitting in the garden - disgusting! she’d be scrubbing that away with hot soapy water.

kateryan · 20/09/2018 22:34

Well as one of the "older" generation I take it that your son and his girlfriend share a room and are in a serious relationship (at least from one side). Do you know anything about this young lady and her family where do they live does she have a relationship with them what about siblings why the move to your home and not her parents???? Does she not have any type of relationship outside of you and your son.

Does she work? if not why not
Are you frightened that if you alienate her she will leave and maybe your son will follow are you scared of losing him?, or do you think he will be hurt if you say something and she leaves.

Lots of questions to ask yourself.

I guess you are pretty close to your son you don't mention a partner of your own to support you.

Personally I would speak firstly in confidence with your son, is he happy with the relationship, is he happy with doing all the input and hard work. You know sex is a powerful pull to someone young. Explain you understand this.

Then tell him that whilst you support him he cannot expect her to live permanently without contributing financially and working within the home. Explain that you thought this was a very short term thing and she would just be staying a couple of nights a week once their relationship settled.

I'm so sorry you have found yourself in this situation personally I think she taking advantage of you both and she knows she can get away with it. Good luck

cheval · 20/09/2018 22:35

I had son and girlfriend living here for a few months. They could not have been lovelier or more helpful. I miss them!
Yours sounds very immature. Needs to get a job and contribute. You also need to tell your son situation is not acceptable

anniegranny · 20/09/2018 22:37

OP, where’s your partner when all this is going on? What’s his opinion and why can’t he back you up when you speak to your son about his girlfriend?

Ladybird1271 · 20/09/2018 22:37

I am having the same problem, it’s been going on for two years! His girlfriend is paying rent but is going from one job to another after getting the sack. It’s her terrible attitude that is losing her jobs. She doesn’t offer to help round the house and only cleans their room when things are growing on her bedside table. I’ve fallen out with my son as I have given them till Christmas to find a place. I am sure she will end up pregnant.

My son feels like I’m pushing him out of the door and cannot understand why. She is completely toxic due to her upbringing. She doesn’t get on with her mother’s boyfriend. The usual story. She did the same thing with her last boyfriend. Moved herself in and sponged off of him. I have now seen my sons credit card bill as he keeps taking her out to wine and dine her. It’s driven me crackers and has divided my whole family. I’ve tried to help her but she just takes , takes and doesn’t give anything in return. I fear when they move out I will not see my son again. It’s awful!

Gemini69 · 20/09/2018 22:41

I am sure she will end up pregnant

yip... and OP should consider this a next move for the unwanted guest too Flowers

saffyBoo · 20/09/2018 22:50

Suggest they look for somewhere to rent as you can't keep two people. She will be gone soon

SummerIsEasy · 20/09/2018 23:10

ladybird

Such a difficult situation for you. My husband has been very forceful in helping to set the rules in our house.

On one occasion a boyfriend arrived and seemed to be settling in for the night. We had to be up early for work, they were making a noise. DH simply opened the bedroom door and told BF that there was a taxi on the way, then escorted him to the front door. Maybe it is harder for parents to evict a young woman late at night and this is taken advantage of.

We told our daughter that her BF couldn’t stay at weekends unless she tidied her room and did some housework to contribute to the free food and lodging for both of them every weekend. No such thing as a free lunch.

Her room is now spotless and both our cars have been cleaned as well.

Tattygran14 · 20/09/2018 23:10

Give her something to read. Just show her this.

LyingWitchInTheWardrobe2726 · 20/09/2018 23:32

Ladybird, that sounds horrendous. I suppose nothing will resolve itself until your son realises that he's been taken for a mug... and in the meantime, you just have to watch it unfold.

Could you say that you expect them both to be out of the house during working hours? Your son already is - no reason for her not to be working as well.

BlackberryandNettle · 20/09/2018 23:33

I'd be fuming on several counts and can't believe you've let this go on for so long.

  1. why isn't she out doing something useful during the day?
  2. why haven't you asked her for rent?
  3. why are you accomodating your son's relationship with someone who is obviously a bit lazy/useless plus disrespectful
Fullofregrets33 · 20/09/2018 23:47

This sounds like my worst nightmare. My home is my safe bubble where I can truly relax and be me. I would be in a permanent state of anxiety if my kids moved their partners in.

Twinmombambi · 21/09/2018 05:21

Seriously you are really patient I won't be tolerating such to be honest. It sounds so wrong for your son to live in same as with you and his girlfriend. Shouldn't he be at his own place ? I think you let this happen so you need to fix it.

Damsel · 21/09/2018 06:54

Leaving aside how ridiculous it is that this situation has been allowed to get to this point, if she does nothing whatsoever to contribute either financially or by cooking or helping out & your son seems to wait on her hand & foot, have you considered that he’s emulating your doormat behaviour? I’d be just as concerned about that learned behaviour & how it manifests itself in this relationship & his future ones.

Icanttakemuchmore · 21/09/2018 07:55

Op, just state some ground rules. 2 to 3 nights max staying and she goes when your son isn't there. She's not an invited guest of yours but a cf who is taking liberties. She can go home when your son is at work and they can go to hers to give you a break. The fact that her house is crowded is not for you to deal with. Some posters are saying you can't like this girl much, well I'm sorry, I wouldn't like her very much with her taking the Piss either!

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