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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Son's girlfriend living with us and becoming a burden

499 replies

womanofthesun · 19/09/2018 15:29

My son (20) seems to have moved his girlfriend into our house. From the day he introduced me to her back in April, she's spent every day and night here (with the exception of about 2). He works full-time and whilst he's at work, she'll spend the whole day in his room. That, alone, isn't the problem. The problem is that she's become a burden, both spatially and financially. She spends a lot of time in the bathroom doing her hair and make-up, which means that I'm often having to wait for her to finish before I can use my own bathroom. She's also been taking 2 showers a day - one in the morning and one in the evening (neither myself or my son have that many - we both have 1). Whilst she's having a shower, she often plays music from her phone too (which, to me, is an indication that she's gotten a little too cosy here). When my son returns from work, he'll cook an elaborate dinner for them both (he's a very good cook), and whilst he's sweating in the kitchen after a long day's work, she'll either be in his bedroom waiting to be handed a plate, or sat in the kitchen, watching him do all the work. In fact, this is the case with any household activity - he'll cook/clean/tidy whilst she'll just watch, usually whilst scrolling through her phone. She's also taken to swanning around the house in little shorts and belly tops. I've even see her put the heating and hot water on whilst my son is at work. She knows we're a family that struggles, financially, so to have her use our utilities this way is quite stressful. I've even caught her spitting in our garden whilst sat outside smoking. I just find that she's being quite disrespectful, now. AIBU to feel this way? His old girlfriend was really helpful and would always help him with household things. She was very respectful and kept her presence within the house quite small (she also spent most nights in her own home). This one doesn't seem to understand boundaries. One time she was ill with a cold and was coughing and sneezing quite freely around the house. As I have a young baby, I had to ask her to leave on that occasion and come back only when she is better - I didn't want my baby getting sick (he already has an autoimmune disorder which makes his immune system weak, which I explained to her). My son does give me a certain amount of his wage each month for his keep, but not enough to cover what's being used by the extra body to be honest. And, to be honest, no amount of money would make up for the inconvenience caused by her constant physical presence within the house.

Thing is, I'm afraid to bring this up to them because I know she's a nice girl who probably means well (although I do feel that she feels quite entitled to my son's treatment and the benefits of technically living with us - I think she feels she's a "catch" for my son). I just think she's young and naive to the impact of her presence.

AIBU to feel that my son's girlfriend's behaviour isn't really on?

OP posts:
teal125 · 20/09/2018 18:05

OP, ignore any posts that are not helpful and please come back and tell us how you got on with the talk with tour DS

Shambu · 20/09/2018 18:09

Aside from chucking her out telling her nicely she has to go, I think you need to talk to your son about his expectioans of women.

He very clearly has low expectations of any kind of motivation or achievement or considerate behaviour in a gf. He's happy run himself ragged looking after his gf. Guys generally do this when they're so grateful the girl fancies them they will do anything. I think he needs to know this is not a healthy model for a relationship, that he doesn't need to be a servant to get girl to go out with him, and that with his work ethic, he can do way, way better than this girl.

Gemini69 · 20/09/2018 18:13

this is awful OP... and the ridiculous focus on the 'swanning' comment is rather embarrassing tbh... there's is a much larger issue.. she's taking the piss regards living in your home whilst using heating hot water and food and not giving anything toward that home .. it's just wrong and she shouldn't need to be told as such... Ask her to move out.. don't offer a compromise.. it's not what you want Flowers

Katherine2626 · 20/09/2018 18:20

She is not 'staying' in your home, she has moved in and without your permission. Not only that she has taken over some of the facilities - you should NEVER be waiting outside your own bathroom while a non family member, whoever she is, is taking all the hot water and playing music. This is outrageous, but I do know how it can creep up on you until you suddenly realise that you are being taken for a ride. Do not waste a second - have that talk with your son the minute he comes in. You should not be subsidising a lazy individual with a sense of entitlement.

Oddcat · 20/09/2018 18:22

A pp said that it sounds as if the Op doesn't like this young woman very much - I'm not surprised if the op doesn't like her , she hasn't got many likeable attributes.

Gemini69 · 20/09/2018 18:24

I agree.. likable or not.. she sounds very entitled Flowers

HollowTalk · 20/09/2018 18:28

What is there to like about someone who comes to your house, stays uninvited for six months, eats all your food, costs you extra on electricity when she must know you can't afford it, AND walks round in her knickers?

Earthakitty · 20/09/2018 18:30

I actually can't believe I'm reading this.
Take your son to one side and tell him in no uncertain terms to remove his lazy entitled girlfriend from your home. And if he wants to continue seeing her then to find his own place.
Then reclaim your home.
The End.

Jessewaltskylar · 20/09/2018 18:32

Don’t know how this has carried on for so long without nothing being said OP? No way should she be living with you, maybe stay once a week if you wouldn’t mind that but full time and Scott free?? Not on. And your son is bang out of order as well it can’t all be put on the girl.

Devilishpyjamas · 20/09/2018 18:35

I wouldn’t let my own adult kids sit around the house for 6 months doing nothing. YANBU to tell her to sling her hook or start paying rent

PussGirl · 20/09/2018 18:43

I'd object to the shorts & skimpy tops because it's nearly October & bloody chilly in the north east & I'd not want a CF having the heating on all bloody day get a jumper on luv

Holidayshopping · 20/09/2018 18:44

Have you had the chat, OP? Will you come back and tell us how it went?

DiWoo · 20/09/2018 18:44

Young people, especially ones who’ve never had to pay their own way properly, are often self absorbed and don’t realise they’re imposing on others. Your son’s GF may not have considered herself moved in and therefore may not feel she needs to/be comfortable doing chores/cooking in someone else’s house. Now don’t get me wrong, I’m not defending her, I totally disagree with what’s she’s doing but we don’t necessarily know the full picture. That said, it’s up to you OP, to spell it out to her, either directly or via your son. You don’t want her moved in properly so no idea why people are suggesting you give her paying rent as an option. My suggestion it that you say, she can stay, when and only when your son has asked beforehand and you’ve agreed, which I would only allow on a Saturday night, maybe once a month (to start) (to make it clear what was happening was unacceptable), no shower and definitely she’s to leave when he does, if not before. I would also present her with a bill (not rent) of what she has used so far —and you never know, you may never see her again—
Good luck

AllTakenSoRubbishUsername · 20/09/2018 18:52

Why isn't she spending time in her own home? I would say to your son that she hasn't actually moved in, so please could he make sure she only visits while he is home. Maybe worth speaking to her parents too, as they are probably peeved she's never home!

Esther00 · 20/09/2018 18:53

I would love to hear how this has all worked out....

TommyJoesMummy · 20/09/2018 18:53

Hi OP, just ignore the derailed stuff that picks out and questions one comment you made in ten...
If your son has one day moved her in and she's been non-stop there since, then she's outstayed her welcome and used up all of her time in your home.
So, just say "Goodnight Ds's gf, you're going home tonight."
Get all her shit together and sent over tomorrow, and make sure she doesn't have keys.

Then, sit your son down: explain that he was out of order, it won't happen again and the main parts to your OP...

His next gf can be over a max of 2 nights a week, but he can meet this one out of the house and go on dates, cuz she's not setting foot inside again.
(Hoping she doesn't get pregnant and your son does better than a layabout Flowers)

Good luck

Belina · 20/09/2018 18:54

Talk to her about paying rent and bill cost say 300 a month I bet she would be on her merry way
Shes a bum

HmmGrey · 20/09/2018 18:54

@womanofthesun

Will you update when you’ve spoken to your son?

orangetriangle · 20/09/2018 18:56

this whole situatiin completely astounds me on every level

MustShowDH · 20/09/2018 18:58

Hope the chat goes well. Let us know how he responds.

CaroBB · 20/09/2018 19:44

Gosh, im feeling abit put on with my own Daughter whos living at home without contributing cash. Shes just Graduated and only earning about £100 a week at the mo, but has plans for next academic year!
This is my own child.....and isnt taking the mick like your uninvited housetick!
Id be having serious words...If shes not working she should be doing everything to help in the house! Next thing she will be Pregnant and youl be really stuck!
Good luck!

onegiftedgal · 20/09/2018 19:56

Firstly op YANBU. This has to stop, she is behaving very disrespectful.
That said I feel that she will wield a lot of power over your son and he will more likely take her side leaving upset between the two of you.
It is always a slippery slope when the BF comes to 'stay' and it is always best to not allow this at the beginning.
That said, she is with you so you have to speak to them - both of them at the same time so that nothing can be hidden
She has to go back to her parents or wherever during the daytime, they have to pay a decent rent. You can set the water and heating controls and not get as much food in.
I realise it sounds a bit petty but they don't have responsibilities and they need to learn. At the moment you are providing them with a very comfortable life.

Boobsarenotloadbearing · 20/09/2018 20:08

You do have the patience of a saint.

Agree with the others who said if she pays rent she will take the proverbial even more.

She's been taking the Mick for 6 months so cosy chats will likely not get far. Sit them down and say that she can only stay 2 (or 1 if you are that sick of her) nights a week, 1 shower a day and she cannot be in the house when he is not there and needs to pull her bloody weight. I also like the suggestion of charging your son a bit more to help with the added cost - it will help teach him the value of money

Br1256 · 20/09/2018 20:08

Are you worried that if gf moves out so will your son ....what is your relationship like with him....
Given a choice in a similar situation my daughter decided to move out with boyfriend and it did damage our relationship....
Good luck

Gemini69 · 20/09/2018 20:10

Young people, especially ones who’ve never had to pay their own way properly, are often self absorbed and don’t realise they’re imposing on others. Your son’s GF may not have considered herself moved in and therefore may not feel she needs to/be comfortable doing chores/cooking in someone else’s house.

I think your being way too kind .. OP already explained she comes from a very overcrowded child dominated home and her Mum was glad had moved out. Flowers

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