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Original poster

Maintenance

113 replies

Doughnut123 · 19/09/2018 13:05

Hello everyone. I agreed to less maintenance for a few months when my ex husband was made redundant. It was an amicable verbal agreement. But, stupidly, I didn’t get him to promise to give the arrears to me once he was working.
I am trying to get him to pay me now, but he says that we didn’t agree for him to repay me the money, so he’s not going to give it to me. Is there anything that I can do? I have had some free advice from a solicitor and he said that it’s obvious to anyone that he should give me the money and has just advised me to stick to my guns, which I have. The amount that was cut from my maintenance was almost £4,000. I cannot afford to pay for legal advice.
Thank you.

OP posts:
Notacluewhatthisis · 19/09/2018 14:48

You are just making stuff up again.

No one is defending him the ex for not paying. They are using common sense that says when someone loses their job, maintenance will go down. That doesn't always mean the difference will be paid.

He did pay, he paid less. That's how it works. The OP didn't agree with him would pay the difference. So little point in spending the money pursuing it.

YOU decided that the OP now couldn't feed or clothe her kids anymore.

AngelsSins · 19/09/2018 14:52

Not relevant because I wasn’t even making a point as to if she should make up the difference or not, plus I don’t have kids (so much for projection), but yes, of course I think the other parent should make up the difference if they can. Does that mean I think i wouldn’t have to pay that money back? Absolutely not - I would owe my ex that money, especially if he’s also the one doing the majority of the child care, leaving me to work more hours.

Now stop demanding I answer your questions when you can’t even manage basic politeness towards me.

flamingofridays · 19/09/2018 14:54

its entirely relevant, you see him losing his job as neglecting his children! its not about owing one another money its about give and take.

basic politeness? oh give over.

AngelsSins · 19/09/2018 14:56

YOU decided that the OP now couldn't feed or clothe her kids anymore

AGAIN, and please try really hard this time to follow, I DID NOT.

I ASKED what her exs expectations were.

flamingofridays · 19/09/2018 15:00

angel you're being ridiculous though, what do you think his expectations were? he lost his job he couldn't pay.

yeah, i would expect the other parent to step up if i lost my job, but then i would do the same for them. I wouldn't detail exactly how much it had cost me to bring up my own kids and demand it back.

The kids belong to both parents and i really do believe there has to be give and take. I think this is why so many co parenting relationships turn sour because of attitudes like yours.

AngelsSins · 19/09/2018 15:05

its entirely relevant, you see him losing his job as neglecting his children! its not about owing one another money its about give and take.

Whilst I love being told what I think by strangers on the internet who have never met, you are wrong.

You have misunderstood my first post, which I can accept I didn’t word clearly, but then have continued to wilfully misunderstand me just to validate yourself.

I’m not going to continue to explain or justify myself to you because it’s clear that you have no intention of even trying to understand.

flamingofridays · 19/09/2018 15:10

i am trying to understand.

you said thi

It’s bullshit. PARENTS (not just mothers) are responsible for financing their children, that is their responsibility, no one else. If he can’t feed his kids, he should be in court for neglect. A responsible father would have savings to fall back on in situations like this because they actually care about their kids well being, rather than shrugging and saying “well I can’t afford their school dinners this week - not my problem

you said, because he is not paying maintenance, he should be in court for neglect.

Should all parents who lose their jobs or are not well paid be in court for neglect? or do you now realise that your statement was utterly ridiculous?

you said, a responsible father would have savings for this occasion. Should op also have savings, as a responsible mother? or are women allowed to be unprepared for such things happening?

angel you're very obviously getting deep into a subject that you know next to nothing about, you don't have kids, you aren't in this situation and have never been. Its easy from an outside point of view to say everything should be totally equal and that you'd want your money back, but over here in real life, it doesn't work like that and realistically i don't think many people expect it to.

AngelsSins · 19/09/2018 15:14

The kids belong to both parents and i really do believe there has to be give and take. I think this is why so many co parenting relationships turn sour because of attitudes like yours.

Yes it’s childless people like me that make it so hard for co parenting relationships Hmm

Look, I agree with you that the other parent steps in, I said that above already. What I don’t agree with you on is that he shouldn’t pay that money back. He can afford to, it would seem, so why shouldn’t he?

That is my point summed up, if he expected OP to make up the difference (as most people would), then why shouldn’t he pay her back if he can’t afford to? It may not be legally required, but morally I believe it to be the right thing to do

AmIRightOrAMeringue · 19/09/2018 15:15

It sounds more like mis communication than anything else

When I read your post I assumed it meant he would pick it up again when he gt a job but didn't think about backdating. I wouldn't assume it was malicious that he is now refusing - I think it's reasonable that he didn't expect to. Though that doesn't mean it's unreasonable that you expected it!

If it was through the cms and he had been made redundant and was out of work for a long time I'm guessing they would reduce the payments? Would they then expect him to backdate if he got work again? What if he took a lower paying job and then a higher one at a later date?

I'd probably apologise if you've been pushy with him and demanding the money and say you both clearly had different expectations. If you're struggling you could ask for a contribution but I wouldn't ask for all of it

AngelsSins · 19/09/2018 15:17

Should all parents who lose their jobs or are not well paid be in court for neglect? or do you now realise that your statement was utterly ridiculous?

Ok, if you’re trying to understand, a mother who lost her job and so didn’t feed her kids, absolutely would be facing charges for neglect, assuming she’s the primary career, which most are. I don’t see why it should be different for none resident parents. Can you explain why it should be different?

flamingofridays · 19/09/2018 15:17

i said attitudes like yours not you personally! maybe you are hard of reading.

he doesn't need to pay her back because he doesn't owe her anything imo.

flamingofridays · 19/09/2018 15:19

Ok, if you’re trying to understand, a mother who lost her job and so didn’t feed her kids, absolutely would be facing charges for neglect, assuming she’s the primary career, which most are. I don’t see why it should be different for none resident parents. Can you explain why it should be different?

because losing your job doesn't = not feeding your kids. Obviously.

if a parent physically starves their children, yes they should be in court for neglect. That is NOT what is happening here, and probably in most other cases of non payment of maintenance.

if i lost my job tomorrow, dp would cover bills and vice versa. No children in the making of this entirely fabricated scenario would get starved. i assume the same can be said of the Op.

AngelsSins · 19/09/2018 15:26

Seriously' can you stop putting words in my mouth? I haven’t suggested that’s what’s happening here, that doesn’t mean he shouldn’t have to pay it back though.

So you’re basically saying the resident parent is always the one who should take responsibility? Is that right? By that I mean, if the none resident parent loses their job and stops paying maintenance, but the resident parent doesn’t have the money to make up the difference, and so the kids go without, it’s the resident parent that should face court?

If you lose you’re job and so pay no maintenance, how are you ensuring your kids are fed? How are you providing? We’re not talking about a couple in a relationship here.

Itsatravesty · 19/09/2018 15:27

YABVU he clearly paid more while unemployed than he would have been asked to by CMS

A few people have said this but it's irrelevant here as OP doesn't use CMS and let's face it, CMS is next to useless anyway and do not count savings etc when it comes to payments. My ex bought a house cash but apparently only earns minimum wage, CMS accept this Hmm.

Honestly it depends imo. If he's in a very well paid job now and was also previously is a well paid job then I'd expect him to have savings of some sort he could have used to support his dc during a period of unemployment. If I as a RP suddenly lost my job I would have to use savings/sell my car or anything else of value to support my dc in the short-term. Either way it sounds like it should have gone back to court if the maintenance is court ordered.

Notacluewhatthisis · 19/09/2018 15:36

So you want peoplento go to court for losing their job. Fuck me. I am a single parent. If I lost my job and couldn't pay for basics you would see me up in court?

Jesus Christ!

flamingofridays · 19/09/2018 15:48

you’re basically saying the resident parent is always the one who should take responsibility? Is that right? By that I mean, if the none resident parent loses their job and stops paying maintenance, but the resident parent doesn’t have the money to make up the difference, and so the kids go without, it’s the resident parent that should face court?

no love, i'm saying its give an take. You help each other out like civil, sensible adults.

Nobody should face court in my opinion, it was you that said they should.

AngelsSins · 19/09/2018 15:53

So you want peoplento go to court for losing their job. Fuck me. I am a single parent. If I lost my job and couldn't pay for basics you would see me up in court?

You seem to have a real problem understanding my posts. You previously stated that in my original post I made a statement, not a question, about the kids being staved and in rags. You insisted I made this as a statement, ignoring the very clear question mark at the end of my sentence. So I suggest you try reading my posts a little more carefully if you really want to start telling me what I believe.

I believe that people who do not provide for their children in any way, should face charges.

flamingofridays · 19/09/2018 15:55

so everyone who's ever been unemployed, or used a foodbank for example should be pulled up in front of a judge on neglect charges?

Notacluewhatthisis · 19/09/2018 15:56

And if they can't?

What about people to I'll to work? Or their partner died and they couldn't afford insurance so they are financially fucked?

You think nrp should go to court for losing their job. If that's the case it would be the case for RP too.

AamdC · 19/09/2018 15:56

If the resident parent lost their job they would get certain benefits tp feed their children ie JSA child tax credits etc , the none resident parent would only get the minimum. depending on circumstances of course ,

Notacluewhatthisis · 19/09/2018 15:56

Besides which, this man DID provide for his children in 'anyway'. He just paid less til he got another job

Notacluewhatthisis · 19/09/2018 15:58

AamdC buts it's often not enough. I have a mortgaged house. So wouldn't get HB. I could get a loan to help me out, but would have to pay that back.

AngelsSins · 19/09/2018 16:00

*no love, i'm saying its give an take. You help each other out like civil, sensible adults.

Nobody should face court in my opinion, it was you that said they should.*

Oh we’re in “love” territory now are we?

Yes I believe people who neglect their children should face court. Pretty sure that’s not a controversial opinion

Now I suspect your reply will be to tell me what I think neglect is, so let me be clear - I believe neglect is not providing for your kids, be that financially or with care.

I also need to clarify that I do not necessarily think that this is what her ex is doing.

flamingofridays · 19/09/2018 16:05

Yes I believe people who neglect their children should face court. Pretty sure that’s not a controversial opinion

paying reduced maintenance for a couple of months IS NOT NEGLECT

In fact I am not entirely sure you even know what child neglect is.

flamingofridays · 19/09/2018 16:05

a bit ago you said that's exactly what he was doing so make your mind up!

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