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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Maintenance

113 replies

Doughnut123 · 19/09/2018 13:05

Hello everyone. I agreed to less maintenance for a few months when my ex husband was made redundant. It was an amicable verbal agreement. But, stupidly, I didn’t get him to promise to give the arrears to me once he was working.
I am trying to get him to pay me now, but he says that we didn’t agree for him to repay me the money, so he’s not going to give it to me. Is there anything that I can do? I have had some free advice from a solicitor and he said that it’s obvious to anyone that he should give me the money and has just advised me to stick to my guns, which I have. The amount that was cut from my maintenance was almost £4,000. I cannot afford to pay for legal advice.
Thank you.

OP posts:
Notacluewhatthisis · 19/09/2018 14:00

I’m sick of men getting a pat on the back for paying the absolute minimum for their kids

He didn't pay the minimum. He wasn't working so the minimum was zero. He paid more than that.

flamingofridays · 19/09/2018 14:01

I’m sick of men getting a pat on the back for paying the absolute minimum for their kids whilst the mothers to pay the lions share and then even cover their short comings because they’d haven’t prioritised their kids, and think it’s a “bill” they can cut back on when it suits them

a) how do you know he was paying the absolute minimum

b) how do you know op is paying the lions share

c) he hasn't fucking cut back on it he's lost his job

oh, and there are some women who are shit heads who don't pay enough for their kids too, you know.

AngelsSins · 19/09/2018 14:01

Do you undetstand how maontemance works Angel? Its based on a pecentage of earnings , op isnt subbing him as he wasent working, if op wasent working he wouldnt have to give her more money

Yes I do thanks. Do you know how morals work?

If a man only pays £7 a week because he’s out of work for example, are you seriously suggesting the mother isn’t subbing him by having to pay EVERYTHING else?!

My mum didn’t eat properly for weeks because she went through a time of being extremely poor when my dad left her. She cared more about feeding us, than feeding herself. Seems to me like these men don’t feel the same way, or they think it’s just not their problem.

Babyroobs · 19/09/2018 14:02

If he wasn't earning for a period of time, there is no obligation for him to pay you arrears for that period of time.

Original poster
Doughnut123 · 19/09/2018 14:03

Thank you for your opinions.
The thing is, he got an extremely well paid job a few months later. He definitely had enough money to pay the maintenance he had cut. If he really was struggling,it would be totally different.I’m not a money grabber. The maintenance was decided by the court. So if he was really struggling to pay, he should have applied to the court.

OP posts:
flamingofridays · 19/09/2018 14:03

angel but that's how life works, isn't it. Shit happens, people lose their jobs, their income changes, their benefits change. We don't expect it, we don't enjoy it but we deal with it because that's all you can do.

its not a fucking game. its not about who pays the most and who contributes the most and "im a better parent than you" its pathetic.

that's shit that happened to your mum, but fucking hell don't tar everyone with the same brush because of your childhood.

Brazenhussy0 · 19/09/2018 14:04

AngelSins Confused

I suspect you are projecting massively here. I'm sorry that maintenance issues are a trigger point for you, but when a NRP is made redundant and physically does not have the money to pay, what do you expect them to do?
It would be the same if the parents were still together. You adjust to the situation until a new job is found and income improves again.

Not everyone can afford to have savings set aside for the unexpected.

AamdC · 19/09/2018 14:04

Agree with otjers Angel you need to stop projecting , your mums circumstances are completley irrelevant to the thread.

PatriciaHolm · 19/09/2018 14:05

Ah, if his maintenance was actually determined by court, things may be different.

You would need to read the wording of the court document to see how the maintenance is phrased; if it simply sets out a set amount per month then legally he would have had to go to court to vary it.

AngelsSins · 19/09/2018 14:05

a) how do you know he was paying the absolute minimum - didn’t say he wasn’t, I said “men”, meaning in general.

b) how do you know op is paying the lions share - again, wasn’t talking about OP

c) he hasn't fucking cut back on it he's lost his job - No, he got made REDUNDANT, which normally comes with a payout.

oh, and there are some women who are shit heads who don't pay enough for their kids too, you know sure sure, how much of the 4 billion owed in unpaid child support is owed by women do you think?

PermanentlyFrizzyHairBall · 19/09/2018 14:05

To be honest if there was no agreement my assumption would be that he wasn't going to pay you back the amount he missed while unemployed. Presumably he used up quite a bit of his own savings during that time and may not have a lot extra now to give you.

How well off is he? If he's very well off and doesn't pay much child support I can see your point but if he doesn't have much to spare I don't see where he would suddenly get £4000 from.

AngelsSins · 19/09/2018 14:06

Projecting?! Jesus Christ, someone disagrees and it must be because they’re projecting. I’m not the one being aggressive here.

flamingofridays · 19/09/2018 14:06

redundancy doesn't always come with a payout and when it does its not always that much you know.

I don't know angel but take it from me, dss mum wont even pay his fucking bus fair to get home from school to her house on one of the 1.5 days a week she has him. Some women are shit parents too.

Accept it.

flamingofridays · 19/09/2018 14:07

i'm not being aggressive, i'm just suggesting you take your own personal situation out of your mind because your feelings towards your dad are obvious, but because your dad was a shit, it doesn't mean all men are.

Notacluewhatthisis · 19/09/2018 14:07

The court thing may change it. However you can't make him pay it.

Is it CMS our spousal maintaince. He should pay it, if he can afford it. But if h3 had to court and got reduced, it would take you a while for the payments to go back up.

Don't allow any changes again, with clarifying things

PermanentlyFrizzyHairBall · 19/09/2018 14:07

Sorry missed your update. In that case I do think it would be fair for him to repay the maintenance but legally I imagine you don't have a leg to stand on. If a parent loses their job obviously you expect to spend less on the children but if he's actually got plenty of spare money I don't see why the children should have to lose out.

Oneinthegrave · 19/09/2018 14:08

YABVU he clearly paid more while unemployed than he would have been asked to by CMS proving he cares about his kids so everyone saying he’s an irresponsible parent clearly have issues themselves.

If he isn’t paying the right % now for his highly paid job take him to CMS but I don’t think that’s the issue is it?

AngelsSins · 19/09/2018 14:09

Oh god seriously, a “not all men” post. Yes let’s ignore the 4 billion child maintenance debt, and assume I’m just projecting about my own dad, rather then being fairly annoyed by how many men in this country don’t support their kids properly.

Notacluewhatthisis · 19/09/2018 14:10

Every other man has no impact on this individual situation though.

flamingofridays · 19/09/2018 14:12

angel you're projecting. everyone can see it.

AngelsSins · 19/09/2018 14:13

Oh fuck off flaming, you have no idea what I’m thinking.

flamingofridays · 19/09/2018 14:16

well I do because you've written it all over this thread!

Notacluewhatthisis · 19/09/2018 14:17

You are projecting. You have said the kids will have to starve, gave holes in their shoes etc.

You have added in loads of stuff that is simply made up.

Brazenhussy0 · 19/09/2018 14:18

The thing is, he got an extremely well paid job a few months later.

OP, presumably when he got the new job, his payments went back up again?

The maintenance was decided by the court. So if he was really struggling to pay, he should have applied to the court.

Yes, he should have done. But apparently he thought an agreement could be made without having to go to court - it's fairly obvious that when someone is made redundant they no longer have the same income as previously.

AngelsSins · 19/09/2018 14:19

Ok, then you think he must have got no pay out, had zero money and that’s why he couldn’t possibly pay the full amount of maintenance, so poor poor menz, women stop being bitches and complaining about covering for them.

Is that fair? Or would that be projection?

Clue, yes it would, and it’s exactly what you’re doing to me.

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