To think our parents were all negligent?

[hooveringhamabeads]

(Lighthearted)

By today’s standards at least?

Inspired by some of the threads I’ve read this week, about 7 year olds playing out alone, or a baby being left for 5 mins while the Mum goes to the shop, I’ve been thinking about my own childhood and some of the (perfectly normal for then) stuff that happened. For context, I was born in the early 80s.

As babies, car seats weren’t a thing, so we’d be put in the carrycot on the back seat. My DM says that if we were asleep when we got to town, she’d leave us in the car, lock it and go and do her shopping.

We had a Subaru van with no seats in the back, and my brother and I would sit in the back, each on a wheel arch, and we’d love it because we’d get flung around the back as we were travelling along, which we found hilarious.

If we were on holiday at Butlins my parents would use the ‘baby listening service’ while they went out of an evening, which consisted of one person patrolling the massive site and putting their ear to the relevant doors to see if anyone was crying. What they did if there was I have no idea as no one had mobiles then.

My friend who’s DCs are now 24 and 28 used to leave her kids alone when holidaying abroad when they went out at night. But they’d leave a shoe in the door so that the kids weren’t shut in if there was a fire .

It’s a miracle we all survived

I forgot my son (born 1975) in his pram outside a shop once. I got halfway home before I remembered him. I'm not very proud of this, incidentally.

I'm trying to give my DD as much of the freedom I had. She's almost 7 and last weekend spent all day outside and around the street with the kids from the bottom of the cul de sac. It was the first time I've had the kids from the street wandering in and out of my house and let her do it in return. It reminded me so much of my childhood in the 80's

I think it's sensible to be cautious but if we don't teach them any independence how're they going to learn to make any of their own decisions?

I suppose the major myth is ' the things you could do ' back in the day, as if paedophiles only existed from 1996 onward or something.

I'm 49, and whilst my parents did parenting in the style of the time so I won't really accuse them of anything, I will not accept them saying now that I'm being too cautious, and that they know better than me .

I could point to several things where their parenting left a lot to be desired, and it follows the general theme on here :

• Putting their enjoyment above mine and my sisters safety when on holiday.

• Not knowing where I was all day in the weekends and school holidays from about 7 years old onward

• Not really caring about how I was doing at school ( despite my mother being a teacher )

• Not encouraging any after school activities or clubs

• Completely obvious to me being bullied at school and by other kids on our road.

I'd like to think I do and will do in the future, the complete opposite of this with my daughter.

I know you’ve declared this a light hearted thread OP, but it’s a bit disingenuous to say it’s a miracle we all survived, because thousands more people per year were killed in road accidents in the era everyone’s reminiscing about. I remember the days before seat belts and car seats too, I remember travelling in the boot of estate cars, I’m sure I was a passenger of a drunk driver many times. So I survived, but thousands of people did die unnecessarily every year.

In a similar vein, infant mortality rates have fallen significantly over the decades, as neo-natal care has progressed and guidelines based on data enable parents to make decisions about their baby’s safety and health, e.g the reduction in cot death figures. Obviously some tragedies which are absolutely nobody’s fault still occur.

Rates of deaths and accidents at work have also plummeted, and it’s worth bearing in mind that governments ‘cutting red tape’ related to ‘health and safety gone mad’ generally means proposals to cut processes which keep people safe.

The hearkening back to some imaginary golden age of of kids being toughened up by a bit of jeopardy is annoying, because so many more thousands of people died compared to today. Obviously nobody could use technology which hadn’t been developed, but that didn’t mean life was better. It’s like looking back nostalgically on the days before antibiotics and antiseptics, and how we all chuckled when our wounds became gangrenous, not like those softies nowadays. The best thing we can do for our children is not to expose them to pointless risk out of some misplaced sense of nostalgia, but to teach them how to assess risk vs benefit for themselves, and to be aware of where dangers lie and how to guard against them.

Thinking about it I think I am more protective than more parents were due to my childhood experiences. I can’t tell you how many time I was flashed at or wanked at by perverts in subways/ bushes during my free range adventures.

I was born in 1981 and definitely rode in the back of the car as a kid with no car seat or seatbelt - there were no seatbelts to wear! I can remember when we got our first car with seat belts in the back - it was a blue Ford Escort and it also had head rests in the back which I thought was the poshest thing ever. Must have been late 80s. Also regularly rode in the boot if we were giving lifts to friends/family members. I considered this a massive treat. I grew up in the countryside and my older brother and I spent our summers biking to a village about 6 miles away and swimming in the river with our friends, no adults anywhere. Or we'd spend hours playing on the local building site, which was the best playground ever. Or climbing around on the massive hay bales which were stacked down a lane in the village. I would have been about 8-9+. My childhood was great.

Hoovering. 1) that they'd get run over. Term time?
Were there more lollipop ladies /men in those days? There were no roads to cross without lollipop ladies for my eldest DS in the 7O's. Even the road a distance away from the school had a lollipop lady. 2) that someone will interfere with them This does seem to be something we all worry about more. I definitely remember being told to knock on the nearest door if I thought someone was following me. Yet obviously, knocking on a strangers door is a risk in itself 3) that they'll hurt themselves I don't know why/if this is more of a worry nowadays. Kids (or friends) used to just run home if there were any incidents. 4) what other people think I do think many parents today worry about being reported to the social services. I can't remember this ever being a worry in the 70's.

I was getting bus home from school (I’m major city, hour journey, change of bus and wait in bus station of rough town) from age 8 . taking me and my sister on bus to local swimming pool in school hols from age 10. No mobiles no dramas. Pearls would be clutched today.

1980s

Our mother was very protective and got very anxious but she override her feelings to give us independence from an early age as she knew it was a good thing.

My parents left their much tried for baby in it's own room as a newborn. The baby had had a birth defect and was tube fed until 6 months and had it's little arms in casts to stop it touching or pulling it's face. That baby was me. I couldn't believe it when she said. No monitor, door shut, no night waking, not that they'd hear.
She didn't like the tubes so she took them out and gave me a bottle. But I couldn't take it so ended up back in hospital with dehydration.
She still doesn't understand sleep deprivation, and why babies need comfort in the night.

We lived on a main road in the 60s. Not as busy as today's main roads obviously, but there were always groups of children about...and dogs!.... people would let their dogs out in the morning and the dog would come back when it was hungry. There was a LOT of dog mess on the streets and grass verges.

We all played down near the stream, making rope swings to swing across or would catch sticklebacks.
I would hear of boys breaking an arm but don't think I ever heard of anyone getting killed.
We learned to be 'street wise' which probably made us safer when it came to strangers than kids would be today. We could spot a 'weird' adult.
I've heard children are more at risk of danger or accidents in the home.
I think the increase in fear for our children has come from media coverage of things.

In 1988 I was in holiday abroad and my family were going out for the day, leaving in the morning, returning around teatime. I insisted on watching the Wimbledon final and was allowed! I was 9! A while day alone in another country and no one knew I was there! I was quite comfortable tho a bit bored after the 5 set match.

Strippervicar, did it effect your bond?

@mikado1 You could say that. She is and has always been very cold. I am forever trying and failing to be good enough. I never remember her coming to me as a young child. It was always my dad. He used to put me to bed , read to me and stay with me too.

I was born in 1969 and my Mom would walk me to infant school in a morning and then do some shopping but I went home for lunch and would walk home alone or with friends who lived nearby, it was a mile or so along a busy road, then back to school on my own and occasionally she'd be there to collect me at the end of the day if she'd been to visit my Nan and was therefore walking past the school but otherwise I'd make my own way home.

She started working for a few hours a day when I was 9 and made a thing of me going to my Nan's for her to keep an eye on me during the holidays, I had to walk over 2 miles and through a very rough area on my own to get there though.

It's just how things were done back then.

Yes, but kids had a sense of responsibility back then, bearing in mind the 80s were before I was born, but even my daughter doesn’t manage to enjoy the same freedoms that we could when I was a child. It’s sad really.

I have similar memories Strippervicar but I think it's because she was home with 4 all day doing the meals, school stuff, doctors etc so bed time and breakfast was dad's domain, but sadly, that's where relationships were made.. you can't say for sure though if the early months alone caused it if she was cold overall. Hard to understand isn't it, when you were so longed for?

I grew up with very a similar background of lax safety and more freedom, and yeah it was just different and it was fun. But thinking about it some more I’ve realized the kids who didn’t survive this era, they aren’t here to tell their stories. Anyone know of someone who didn’t survive those times - any cousins, friends or neighbors child etc??

I was born early 70's and the main things I remember are vehicle related. So yes no seatbelts and no car seats but they have now obviously been enforced as then are proven to save lives.

We used to think it a real treat to sit in the boot or back of a van, and I can remember being left in a car outside a pub car park while, I assume, my Dad had a couple of pints then drove us home. Yes, we came to no harm but not something that would be anyway advisable!

I used to take my theee little sisters and nephew and niece into town when I was 11.

@mikado1
Eight years they tried for a baby. I read my medical notes and she rejected me for a week so I assume it was shock at not having a perfect baby and maybe PND. I do know she used to hide upstairs when relatives came to visit when I was a baby because she was embarrassed.

I actually think this generation of parents will look back and think that the negligence comes from raising children in a risk averse, cotton wool wrapped, ego centric ‘child led manner that misleads children into thinking they should be happy at all times, they shouldn’t have to learn to deal with any unpleasantness, that their parents are there as servants.

That coupled with a number of people not giving any consideration as to whether they are ready to raise children and thinking unplanned pregnancies are just one of those things thereby throwing whole families into a life of poverty. Madness!
The negligence is not building resilience. and not teaching children to do perfectly normal things like eat what there is, be potty trained before school, sleep at night and be considerate of the needs of others.
We’ve stopped letting children assume any responsibility and make constant excuses with no consequences. I think we’ll rue the day!

I can relate to all this, being left to play out for hours on end, wandering around with pals etc.

Another thing which struck me the other day was that we weren't taken to the docs for every little ailment and cough. I remember bashing my knee in pretty bad (fell off a tyre swing) and my mum putting baking soda on it to get the muck out! It stung like fuck. Probably should have had it patched at the hospital but no way would we have considered doing that.

I think we'll rue the day too, cherry