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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Massive Life Change

79 replies

ZeroToleranceLeft · 19/09/2018 07:53

I'm after some advice and opinions on what is looking like a very tricky decision for me. This is a little long so apologies in advance.

Following the break-down of my relationship (8 years, no kids) I'm considering moving back to England to be closer to friends and family.

I've talked this through with a few people and mentioned it to my mother a couple of weeks ago. We lost my Dad last year and to be honest, my mum (75 with some mobility issues) isn't coping all that well being on her own. She's never lived alone before and a year down the line she's hating it and seems quite miserable.

She's now talking about getting a large house between us and splitting it so it's essentially two smaller houses (she's done the research and found a few suitable for this that are within our combined budget). The property would be big enough that we would have our own kitchens, bathrooms, living space etc and would have separate entrances so it would appear we were more like neighbours.

The problem I can see is that being a male approaching 40 it's going to have an impact on my social life (hosting friends etc) and dating as I'm concerned that from the outside it would look like I was still living with my mum. Despite her promises, she's not very good at sticking to boundaries and keeping to herself so I can see the potential for quite a bit of interference from her.

I'm torn between looking after her or living my own life. How would you feel dating a man of my age with that living situation? Having seen quite a few MIL threads on here I'm sure it would be a deal breaker for some. On the other hand some people I've spoken to have said that it'd be a plus as it shows a caring side.

AIBU in not having a bloody clue what to do?

OP posts:
NotAllIndividuals · 19/09/2018 07:58

Honestly I would give a rat's ass what other people might think, that's on them. But... If you've been away for a while it's going to be a strange experience moving back. You might find you need your space. Your mum might not feel quite the same and that would be really hard if you share a house. Why not rent for a bit near by where she lives now and ease into things whilst maintaining a little breathing room? Presumably you're going to need some time to sort out work etc so don't rush into things.

RayRayBidet · 19/09/2018 08:01

I think it could work.
I think you need to have a serious conversation with your mum about your reservations. I think if she is a reasonable person she will understand. If you explain that you do want to meet someone and settle down but that there would need to be clear boundaries and you think she gets it then go for it.
It wouldn't necessarily put me off.

MumW · 19/09/2018 08:23

I think you'd be better just living nearby.

Would your mum consider some kind of sheltered accomodation? (I don't mean care home) Own house/flat but with similar aged people as neighbours? There are a number of new builds around here advertised for over 55s only.

Blondebakingmumma · 19/09/2018 08:27

Buy a smaller place close to your mum. I think living that close could damage your relationship if she doesn’t have boundaries

Caselgarcia · 19/09/2018 08:28

What happens if you meet a partner and want to live together and they don't want to move in with you? I think it would be workable as long as you're single but if you meet another partner it may prove tricky.

longwayoff · 19/09/2018 08:33

As you're returning anyway, why don't you rent near your mother for starters. People change, youve been away for years. You may find yourself in an untenable situation if you buy together etc. Don't commit beforehand as potential for unhappiness is high.

Jigglyjugs · 19/09/2018 08:34

A property with an annex, or the permission and space to build one? As long as it had a separate entrance and little to no access to the main property, it would be on its own but not too far away. I had my grandparents live with my family like this and it worked out well; they had some independence, but should they need anything we were only next door, so no need for them to be constantly around in the main house or asking us to pop round.

AnnabelleLecter · 19/09/2018 08:36

I wouldn't do It and would avoid someone who did tbh.
I know someone who did this and the sweet mother turned more and more controlling and demanding. The mother had to be included in every trip out, guilt tripped my friend to stay in, when they had arranged nights/dates because the mother was feeling a bit poorly. The minute friend came home the mother was there with urgent requests. And on and on until they ended up being almost full time carer to the mother, mother's needs were met and friend had zero independent life. It was bloody miserable.
Personally I would buy my own home.

cinammonrollsnotgenderroles · 19/09/2018 08:36

I agree - near, but not with. A walk or bike ride away for you. No matter how much we live our family it's so much healthier to be able to get away, and it'll give you more freedom in the future if you want to move and she doesn't.

Best of luck with your move.

treezylover · 19/09/2018 08:40

I think it’s likely that a lot more men would be understanding of a woman living in close proximity to their mum to support them in their old age than vice versa, which is disappointing. I think it’s admirable that you want to be there for her, and any decent woman looking for a decent bloke would see that. (With the caveat that she doesn’t take over your life and you’re not someone who defers to their mum constantly, of course!)

Bubba1234 · 19/09/2018 08:44

It sounds good.
It will be nice to know that when your mum passes you spent that time with her that people always regret not spending that time.
How many people really host dinner parties etc?
Maybe twice a year?
You could book your mum into a hotel those nights.
These days people don’t judge no situation is ideal

Disfordarkchocolate · 19/09/2018 08:47

It wouldn't work for me at all, I feel like with an arrangement like this I would end up with more caring responsibilities than I would be able to do. If you want to marry and have children there will be some people who will not be comfortable with virtually living with their MIL. I think you need to separate the location decision from the house decision. Also bear in mind that it's still relatively early days for your Mum and that there are a wide range of living options that should be considered ie assistant living, carers/cleaners etc.

Moononthehill28 · 19/09/2018 08:48

Agee with others who say rent. Rent nearby for a year or so and then think about buying near your mother but not in the same building.

JellyBears · 19/09/2018 08:49

It wouldn’t put me off as long as Mum was respectful and respected boundary’s etc

Eatsleepworkrepeat · 19/09/2018 08:49

As someone who also has a mother with boundary issues I wouldn't do this. As much as you both might mean well the chances are it will impinge on your life and get in the way of you moving on and starting a new relationship. Live in the same area but not the same house.

Padparadscha · 19/09/2018 08:50

my mum (75 with some mobility issues) isn't coping all that well being on her own.

This alone says don’t do it. Sounds like she needs a bungalow (unless you mean splitting a house upstairs/downstairs) and is going to a lot of care and support sooner rather than later. Either move near by, or consider an elderly community/sheltered accommodation for your mum. She would keep much of her independence, without you losing yours.

Original poster
ZeroToleranceLeft · 19/09/2018 08:50

Thanks for the replies so far.

Just to clarify the house would have two entrances, the building is a U shape and we'd have one half each. There would be a connecting through-door that would be lockable from either side.

I've been coming over for a few days a month since last year to see her so I'm going into this with my eyes wide open.

She refuses to move to any kind of retirement/elderly living complex, we've had that discussion in the past.

I've done a list of pros and cons and they are pretty evenly balanced.

OP posts:
Doidontimmm · 19/09/2018 08:51

But what if you met someone with kids (which is a huge possibility at your age) and wanted to move in together? She may not be able to move due to schools or such. You therefore then cannot move forward with your life as selling means turfing your mum out too. It wouldn’t put me off but resentment would build if you could not commit to a future or if she does not adhere to any boundaries put in place.

numptynuts · 19/09/2018 08:53

Buy two separate properties close to each other.

Simpler for now and in the long term.

Pigglesworth · 19/09/2018 08:55

I advise that you don’t do it - it'd be a relationship dealbreaker for me if you are 35+ years old! It's basically a commitment to that living situation for the remainder of her entire life, potentially? At the moment she is both hating living alone, and missing you - why not take one step at a time and see how she responds to you being closer by, first?

longwayoff · 19/09/2018 08:55

I'm pretty sure that at least 60 per cent or more of potential partners would be put off by this arrangement.

WheelOfMisfortune · 19/09/2018 08:57

I think the key thing here, as a PP mentioned, is that you need to consider your future partner moving in.

I would not be put off dating a man in this scenario, however the idea of moving in with my mother in law at 40+ is rather less enticing.

I agree that properties nearby is your best bet.

eddielizzard · 19/09/2018 09:00

I think it's a good plan. But boundaries have to be very clear from the outset. I think there would be a period of adjustment as she realises she's not invited to your social life, but if you're prepared to be tough on that from the outset it sounds like a good plan.

As for looking like you're living with your mum, you're not. You have bought houses next to each other with a view to keeping an eye out for her. As long as she sticks to the boundaries I don't think it would be a problem. If you bring someone home it'll become very clear quite quickly whether there's a problem ie. your mum knocking on the door at 7am asking for milk. That's a problem. Mum texting if the coast is clear and accepting a 'no' is not a problem in my book.

Would you feel comfortable setting out the situation now, before you buy? If not, then I'd be rethinking the whole thing.

PollyFlinderz · 19/09/2018 09:01

OP, I think its a really good idea and would work well.

Talith · 19/09/2018 09:02

You've a lot of life left to live and that may well include a partner and kids, theirs or yours to come and lots of noisy sex potentially (hope the interconnecting door is a solid one)... You may even find love abroad with the internet being what it is.

I think it's a lovely idea but ties you down. You deserve to have the flexibility to find happiness.

It is lovely that you're thinking of your mum though. This is always a big plus for me.