Massive Life Change

[ZeroToleranceLeft]

I'm after some advice and opinions on what is looking like a very tricky decision for me. This is a little long so apologies in advance.

Following the break-down of my relationship (8 years, no kids) I'm considering moving back to England to be closer to friends and family.

I've talked this through with a few people and mentioned it to my mother a couple of weeks ago. We lost my Dad last year and to be honest, my mum (75 with some mobility issues) isn't coping all that well being on her own. She's never lived alone before and a year down the line she's hating it and seems quite miserable.

She's now talking about getting a large house between us and splitting it so it's essentially two smaller houses (she's done the research and found a few suitable for this that are within our combined budget). The property would be big enough that we would have our own kitchens, bathrooms, living space etc and would have separate entrances so it would appear we were more like neighbours.

The problem I can see is that being a male approaching 40 it's going to have an impact on my social life (hosting friends etc) and dating as I'm concerned that from the outside it would look like I was still living with my mum. Despite her promises, she's not very good at sticking to boundaries and keeping to herself so I can see the potential for quite a bit of interference from her.

I'm torn between looking after her or living my own life. How would you feel dating a man of my age with that living situation? Having seen quite a few MIL threads on here I'm sure it would be a deal breaker for some. On the other hand some people I've spoken to have said that it'd be a plus as it shows a caring side.

AIBU in not having a bloody clue what to do?

I think this is a brilliant plan and can work really well.

No. No matter how your mother may imagine she will behave, she’s very likely to view the arrangement as you being on hand 24/7 to help her and that can only get worse as she ages.

If she deteriorates then she won’t even have the option of moving into sheltered accommodation if the properties are linked. Not that she will want to. If you want to make an excuse to not do something she will know broadly if it’s true.

You sound kind but this way madness lies. Live close by and have boundaries.

I agree with all the PPs saying near but separate.

You DM will hopefully live another 15 years, and you should not lock yourself into a situation that many women (including myself) would view with horror.

I think it will inevitably limit your love life as any other location-dependent commitment would. For me, that would be an acceptable condition. I agree with those suggesting that you live nearby, but not attached. This isn't because of the social stigma, but because it sounds like you will have problems with boundaries.

I wouldn't be put off by a man taking care of his mother and living nearby. I'd be put off if it became evident that our home and lives weren't entirely our own.

Are you an only child? I ask because what happens when your mum dies or does have to go into a nursing home. You might be facing having to sell the property. It would be worth seeking some specialists advice before buying.

God no do not do this.

A man living near by his mum and popping in to see her a few times a week for a cup of tea? Lovely.

A man living in a house with his mother (albeit a divided on) and expecting me to move in with him and his mother if we got serious? No fucking way!

It would put me right off.

Just get two properties near by. A nice level access flat for her.

Hi Zerotolerance - I have some experience of this. My Mum bought the house next door to mine when she was 79 and we lived quite happily next to each other until she died 5 years later. Our houses were separate and self-contained but I could pop in on her and she could pop in on me whenever necessary. Sometimes we would see each other every day, sometimes we'd both be busy and not see each other for a few days or just say hello over the garden fence. I loved having my Mum next door, but we got on very well. Yes, she could sometimes pop in at inconvenient times (Sunday morning while in bed with my partner???!) but overall I wish we had had longer living together like this. It was reassuring for me that I was right there if she needed me for anything; she was able to live independently until her death. The big BUT is: how well do you get on with your Mum? I think trying to plan ahead about any possible future relationships is a red herring. You don't know what will happen in the future. I would be planning for what is the right thing for YOU at this moment in time. If you feel you would be happy living next door to your Mum, you've found a nice home for both of you and you think you can make it work, go for it. If you have some doubts about how YOU and your Mum get along together then you need to pause for thought. Trying to imagine how someone you haven't even met yet might feel about a decision you're making now isn't a way to plan your life, I would say. But I'm sure there are lots who will disagree with me!

“You can tell a lot about a man by the way he treats his mother” my gran always said this.
I would admire any friend of mine that did this.

Listen to your gut. She's unlikely to respect your boundaries, which means you won't be able to live your own life.

House with a granny annex?

It probably means I'm a terrible person but I would hesitate to date a man who had this living situation. I really like my MiL but I wouldn't want her to be in an adjoining property! But maybe you could move nearby? Like, in the next street? That wouldn't really bother me at all.

My mum did a similar thing only not with me - more than ten years ago she divided her 3 bed semi into two flats - she has the side entrance and her lodger has the front door entrance and the upstairs apartment - there is a connecting door in the downstairs hallway but its always kept locked. It's worked really well.

With regard to your situation - although no decision will cater for every possible outcome - what might your mum feel about any future children living in your part?

If any friends you have refuse to see past your caring nature and consider you too close to your mum then perhaps they're not the right sort of friends.

I'm not sure I'd make a big decision based on the estimated preferences of a hypothetical future partner! You have to do what's best for you, and your mum.

Living next door to her sounds best.

I’d agree with PP’s saying close by but not together. Mainly as you’ve said she has trouble respecting boundaries.

Forget about dating for a bit.

If you move with your mum like this, even with two entrances, you are basically setting up the situation where you are her carer. Esp if the reason why you do that is because ‘she is struggling on her own’.
So befire accepting that, you need to be sure that you are happy to become a full time carer at some point (as he is going to get older, she is going to be more and more dependant on you).
This is even more so if she isn’t good with boundaries.

Then dating life...
I wouod say don’t choose your life style according to what a POTENTIAL gf will say. Choose your life, your liste style, the way you want to live your life (same house as your mum or not, you been a strong support for your mum or not etc...). People who don’t like that arrangement won’t be happy dating you. And the ones who will will have similar outlook on life/values that you so will be more likely to be a good match for you.

The first step there is to be true to yourself.

Now a on PERSONAL basis, as your mum is still able to live on her own, I wouod chose a house close by but not one where you live together, separate entrances or not.
Your mum needs to learn to live independently wo her husband. You need to learn to live your life back to England, new friends etc etc.
Muddling the two together is more likely to create resentment in both sides. You take the risk of your mum wanting you to fill the gao her DH left and be ressentful you can’t do that. You take the risk of growing ressentful of the time you spend with her when you wouod want your own time, learning to be you as a single person again.

I had to temporarily move back home after the breakdown of my relationship. It was only for just under a year but it was hard and my relationship with my parents did suffer. Thankfully, now I’ve moved out we are back to normal. I actually live across the road from them which I feel is much better. You’re close enough to visit but not in each other’s pockets. When we lived together we just got on top of each other and the boundary lines were being blurred. It’s hard for parents not to baby you and that was with both my parents working full time. If your mum is at home and also lonely she may end up being more involved that you want

Btw if your mum really has issues with boundaries, i wouodnt be living next door either (as in two houses down the street).
You are more likely to find yourself either opting down all the time or her been there.
If your mum had strong boundaries, the situation wouod be different.
So I wouod be very close by but nit literally next door iyswim

I think living close but not actually next door would be best, allowing you a bit of an escape and better boundaries. You could also then sell if she became very ill or needed nursing care in a home, which she might, despite her protestations (in fact, her protestations make me convinced you shouldn't live with her as she's simply not going to put your needs first).

If you wanted to sell, and she didn't, it would be a nightmare. Stay flexible and as an independent man. For your own sake really.

You have said your mum is struggling with living on her own and has mobility issues. She has been on her own for a year and doesn't like it. She basically wants you to replace your dad.

If she is lonely she won't want you to pop by and say hello before work, she will want you to come home and have dinner with her every evening, probably will want you to take her shopping, and go to the garden centre with her at the weekend etc. Just like a husband not a son.

I would also advise moving to a house maybe a mile or so away. Close enough to pop in when needed but not too close that she is always at your house.

Do you have any siblings?

I think you would be better off living close by rather than in the same place. To be honest it would put me off.

I really wouldn’t do it.
Even next door would be too close to me.
10 to 15 minute walk, perfect.
Me ex was always trying to include his mother in everything, holidays etc, to the extent that I would be walking on my own with a pushchair and he and mum would be strolling along like the couple...

My mum was very stubborn about moving out of the family home, it was my dad who insisted they downsized.
Now they have a brand new flat in the town centre, walking distance from everything and my mum has adjusted.

Do not put yourself in the position where you basically slot in to replace your late father.
Your mum needs help adapting to her new circumstances.
You don’t want to end up being a single 50 year old running round after an increasingly frail mum.

I think you need to accept the 2 doors, 2 kitchens thing will then just be pointless, you can either live separately (so can be in 2 properties) or she needs to live with someone, so why waste money 'converting' a property into 2 for appearances? In practice you'll live together.

To start with, go for suggesting she moves to a flat near you. It doesn't need to be a retirement one. Suggest a luxury appartment type block. You move nearby, can pop round regularly. If that's not enough, then you need to think about living together, but then don't go through the dance of the fake separate properties.

But re dating, if you had lived separately and now had moved your Mum in with you, in your 40s I'd assume you were your Mum's carer. That would impact on some people's desire to date you, not because you were unable to live independently, but because being a carer to an elderly person is a big commitment.

Surely the reasons being given 'against' doing this (and how it would limit your love life), such as the commitment of free time, lack of space etc are all of the reasons that certain men of the same age give for not dating women with children?

For this reason alone I will admit that I stopped reading responses after a certain point.

I'm a mid-thirties lone parent, and would not be put off by this. Indeed, I looked at doing similar for my own (younger) mother.

The property set-up sounds ideal, and instead of worrying whether this would be off-putting to potential partners, I would perhaps encourage you to consider what you may be wanting from your own life in the next twenty years.

Doew the potential property have space for a partner/children/pets (for example), and could you find the time to accommodate those things, plus any hobbies, and caring commitments.

You also need to consider the financial implications of those choices, alongside the financial impact of potentially providing carers for your mother in the future as her care needs increase, without the expectation that a partner would provide this level of care (whilst you are at work and they are at home with a baby, for example).

Apologies for spelling errors etc.

What if you need to move to the other side of the country for work? Or you meet someone and want to move closer to them?
If you do this you are basically agreeing to continue this arrangement until your mother's death.
It might seem like a good idea on paper but once you agree to this sort of arrangement it's impossible to change it without causing great distress.
My parents had my dad's father live with them for the first 7 years of their marriage and then later, my Mum's mum came to live in a granny flat for 12 years. They have made us promise that we will never have them to live with us, under any circumstances.

No no no no no!
Do not do this.
Of course she will not move into a retirement apartment (which would be ideal for her to be supported by others apart from you and new friends to make) because she wants you to be her replacement partner and responsible for everything. Happiness, practical repairs, mental load, companionship.
And she will want that companionship a lot if you are in the same property and will resent anyone who takes your time away from her,.
It is possible to be supportive without throwing yourself under the bus. You only have to read threads on here about parents demanding too much and interfering.
Get yourself somewhere small to live.
Get her into grief counselling, joining the WI, U3A and some exercise groups or community physio from the GP to improve her mobility. Visit when you can, and be supportive, but do not throw your future happiness under the bus. She could be around for another 20 years, getting more infirm if she relies on you to do everything.

With boundaries in place, this seems like a good set up to me, and I wouldn’t be put off dating someone who had made this life change for his mum as long as it was obvious that she wasn’t cooking for him every night, or doing his laundry abd woundnt be an imposition on his love life. If it was obvious he’d done it for the right reasons (to look after family in old age) this would be ‘tick’ for me.

However, as PPs have pointed out, if the boundaries were a bit slack and the family member needed a lot of attention and care (especially in the early days of a relationship) I could see myself ducking out.