Massive Life Change

[ZeroToleranceLeft]

I'm after some advice and opinions on what is looking like a very tricky decision for me. This is a little long so apologies in advance.

Following the break-down of my relationship (8 years, no kids) I'm considering moving back to England to be closer to friends and family.

I've talked this through with a few people and mentioned it to my mother a couple of weeks ago. We lost my Dad last year and to be honest, my mum (75 with some mobility issues) isn't coping all that well being on her own. She's never lived alone before and a year down the line she's hating it and seems quite miserable.

She's now talking about getting a large house between us and splitting it so it's essentially two smaller houses (she's done the research and found a few suitable for this that are within our combined budget). The property would be big enough that we would have our own kitchens, bathrooms, living space etc and would have separate entrances so it would appear we were more like neighbours.

The problem I can see is that being a male approaching 40 it's going to have an impact on my social life (hosting friends etc) and dating as I'm concerned that from the outside it would look like I was still living with my mum. Despite her promises, she's not very good at sticking to boundaries and keeping to herself so I can see the potential for quite a bit of interference from her.

I'm torn between looking after her or living my own life. How would you feel dating a man of my age with that living situation? Having seen quite a few MIL threads on here I'm sure it would be a deal breaker for some. On the other hand some people I've spoken to have said that it'd be a plus as it shows a caring side.

AIBU in not having a bloody clue what to do?

It sounds like she is investing considerable energy into this idea ... Energy she should be using to build herself an independent social life instead, and thinking of/planning her future living arrangements that do not involve you

Another excellent point right there. I also agree it might be wise to put the brakes on this, before the suggestion becomes an expectation and the "but you promised ..." starts

I have an unmarried cousin in his sixties like this. His DM's demands, and her animosity to girlfriends, grew and grew until he just couldn't break away, and now he lives a largely wasted life with little human contact except her

It can happen only too easily, OP, and creeps up on you before you know it ... please don't let this be you

Thanks to everyone that has replied to this thread so far.

I think I'm going to follow the advice of the majority and look at moving close by rather than the current plan. My gut is telling me that it's the right thing to do. I can see the potential for the chronic deterioration of our relationship and that's the last thing I want.

I think you're being very wise, OP; your "gut instinct" is there for a reason

However, wherever you move to I'd make arrangements asap for your mum to have some outside help - maybe a gardener, cleaner, local odd job man or whatever. Of course you'd see plenty of her, but at all costs I'd want to avoid her getting the impression that you'll be available for every last thing from now on (in other words, as PPs have said, becoming a substitute husband)

Good idea!