Massive Life Change

[ZeroToleranceLeft]

I'm after some advice and opinions on what is looking like a very tricky decision for me. This is a little long so apologies in advance.

Following the break-down of my relationship (8 years, no kids) I'm considering moving back to England to be closer to friends and family.

I've talked this through with a few people and mentioned it to my mother a couple of weeks ago. We lost my Dad last year and to be honest, my mum (75 with some mobility issues) isn't coping all that well being on her own. She's never lived alone before and a year down the line she's hating it and seems quite miserable.

She's now talking about getting a large house between us and splitting it so it's essentially two smaller houses (she's done the research and found a few suitable for this that are within our combined budget). The property would be big enough that we would have our own kitchens, bathrooms, living space etc and would have separate entrances so it would appear we were more like neighbours.

The problem I can see is that being a male approaching 40 it's going to have an impact on my social life (hosting friends etc) and dating as I'm concerned that from the outside it would look like I was still living with my mum. Despite her promises, she's not very good at sticking to boundaries and keeping to herself so I can see the potential for quite a bit of interference from her.

I'm torn between looking after her or living my own life. How would you feel dating a man of my age with that living situation? Having seen quite a few MIL threads on here I'm sure it would be a deal breaker for some. On the other hand some people I've spoken to have said that it'd be a plus as it shows a caring side.

AIBU in not having a bloody clue what to do?

I would say it could be an issue when dating. When I met my DH he was living with his mum, which wasn’t a problem for me, but he said it was a huge problem for most of the women he met. What would put me off in your situation wouldn’t be your mum, but more the restriction. You would be stuck there so no moving for work or schools or even just if the house doesn’t suit anymore. I would be thinking, could we holiday alone together? Would we have to share a garden as I love gardening etc etc. All of this could be a problem and boundary issues will just make it impossible.

If you do go with this plan, look for somewhere with potential for extension in the future and with good transport links and schools etc. All of those things may help a bit.

An awful idea. As someone who has cared for elderly people for 20 plus years I say DON'T DO IT. I also suggest posting on the eldercare board here for advice from people who have actually been involved in care.

One thing to ponder - there will possibly (likely) come a time when you will be virtually looking after your Mum full time - this will sap your life. It will be easier to get her the appropriate care if there is some distance between you, particularly if she has boundary issues. In other words, being 'on tap' will make it harder to say 'no' when you need to (when she required more than you can give).

Plus, if you meet someone will she want to live there. I'd run a mile. However, you moving in and then moving out would cause more disruption for your Mum than you not moving in in the first place.

Jeez, you've not even met this "potential partner" yet and your mum is 75 !
Agree with pencilpot99 .

I know two lovely men who live with their mothers.
As long as the middle door is locked at all times, so to visit you need to go through the front doors. Are the front doors at the end of the "u" or in the middle bit?
Do you have separate outdoor spaces?
Can she see you come & go?

It depends how much you prize your freedom and privacy. Your mother may become increasingly dependent on you (which you may be fine with) and it will be hard to change this arrangement later. It could put off some potential romantic partners also.

I need my own personal space so wouldn't live next door or for that matter within view of parents - no twitching curtains, thanks. Live a short walk away so you can visit each other easily and help out but have more sense of separation. It will also be better should you decide to move in with someone.

The issue with buying a joint asset is if she needs care later on and they could insist that it is sold for that

I thought it sounded fine up to the point where you said your mother has a problem with boundaries.

If you are practically living in the same house her lack of boundaries could get much worse and you would have a real struggle on your hands to reinforce them and have any kind of private life of your own - that's without taking into account any future relationships you have.

I would say the best course of action is to live separately in different houses, close enough to be on hand but far enough to have your own life and space - ie in the same town but not the same street, for example.

I'd think you sounded noble and kind and very giving but that wouldn't necessarily mean I'd like to be in a relationship with you.

I was you ten years ago. I 'moved back' to help my frail parents and had endless calls from social services, the doctor, the hospital, the police, it was endless and I lived a few miles away, imagine what it would be like to be next door. You'd really have no separate life to call your own as everyone would know you were 'on-site' so to speak. You'd be put upon and expected to do everything which I know sounds decent and the honourable thing to do but after years it becomes wearing and you do become resentful.

I couldn't hold down a relationship or even socialise for the ten years I was caring for my parents and now I'm single and childless which is fine if that's what you want but be careful that you don't back yourself into a corner you can't get out of.

My advice would be to move to somewhere you can build a life for YOURSELF firstly and then help out when and where you can. Don't become a martyr to societies expectations.

I'd do as others have suggested and get a house separately, rent preferably and see how the land lies first. I'd recommend joining some Meet Up groups when you get back or you'll have to fall back on on-line dating and that's a situation nobody wants to be in (have you read the dating thread?)

DHs uncle lived like this with his mother, he had a section of the house, with a separate entrance, and a lockable connecting passageway. He lived there with his partner, now his wife, and when his mother died he opened the house up and they now live in it as a whole. It worked very well, mainly because DHs Grandma was considerate and self reliant, and didn’t really go into his space unless invited. He would pop in for drinks with her, or to chat. She also had other help around the house , and her mobility was good, so that helped too. Also the house is large.
I think uncle’s wife found it slightly more of a strain ,in that she didn’t have a garden that was “hers” etc, but not so much of a strain that it caused conflict.

You sound like a lovely, caring son to even be considering this.

My advice is don’t do it. Your mum needs to move into a bungalow or retirement flat. She will make new friends and be able to cope with losing your dad once she has adjusted. You need to live nearby but not in the same property. You’ve already said she has a problem with boundaries so it’s really important that you have your own space to socialise and live your own life.

This arrangement was done in my family. It ruined my uncle's life.

Like a pp suggested, he became the her surrogate "husband" so his mum didn't have to accept she needed to move into a retirement flat and "be old".

He died unmarried, childless, I never met any girlfriend of his. DGM had issues with boundaries too.

It is the refusing to move into a retirement flat you really need to tackle. She is old, she does need additional support, it is only going to get worse, retirement flats are not the devil's work. This is a case of the truth will set you free but first it will piss you off She's hiding from the uncomfortable truth.

My grandfather moved into a retirement complex on his own. He loved it. Said he should have done it five years earlier.

Just another thought, by practically moving in with your mother you may not being doing her any favors in the long run. She could live another 20 years or so, and once she has made the adjustment to being on her own, living in the right environment (ie in a bungalow or sheltered housing) she could make new friends in the same situation as her and join some community groups, etc. In other words she could build a new life of her own.

If she starts to rely on you now she is much less likely to do that.

I wouldn’t do it, nor would I suggest you do.
Please rent for a while after you move home and test the waters, so to speak.
I moved home after living in a different country re elderly parent and she has proved demanding, the demands escalated and if I had been unlucky enough to be living beside her, I’d have absolutely no life by now. This is my situation, your mother may be fine but it’s easy to get sucked into the role of full time carer if the relative’s boundaries are poor.
Give yourself time to think about things, moving is already emotionally and physically hard so I wouldn’t be putting a game changer like that in the mix just now.
All the best !

Despite her promises, she's not very good at sticking to boundaries and keeping to herself so I can see the potential for quite a bit of interference from her

On that basis I wouldn't even consider it. I also admit I'd run a mile from any man in this position, for fear of becoming the "nice little wife" who'd be expected to do the caring

If your mum wants this to happen there's an obvious motive to downplay expectations - also to push it along by refusing any other options - but I wonder how long she'd be happy with that connecting door being locked once it was a reality

Overall I'm with so many PPs ... a house fairly nearby if you must, but certainly not next door

I would go seperate - partly because of the boundaries issue but also because if you are not careful you will become the 24/7 carer. It is not up to you to enable full dependence by your Mum cos she doesn't like the idea of accom for the over 60s etc. There are plenty of options bar a home for the elderly these days

@CottonTailRabbit you reminded me, and sorry OP but it is slightly relevant, I know of an ongoing situation fairly like this. Son had divorced and his mother practically lived in his house and demanded he visit her house if she wasn’t in his. His life is effectively over at 48.
She is known as his ‘wife’ where he lives and acts as one.
He doesn’t stand a hope in hades of getting a partner with her around, it’s all quite sad.

Badtasteflump also makes a very valid point about actually harming your mum by encouraging her to depend on your for everything ... something worth considering perhaps?

My mum and dad live in a granny annexe attached to our house. In your position I'd live separately.

Dh's job has changed so at the moment he has a horrible commute 1.5 hours each way, and we have very little family time. We're in the process of moving but it's hard because of the emotional betrayal felt by my dps (who really are lovely) but it's not working for DH at all.

I think it would put me off a long term relationship. While I would expect any potential partner to consider older relatives, I would not want my future - and my financial future - tied up with that of a partners parent.

There are ways of meeting your Mum’s needs without entwining your lives.

I would be very wary of a man living in this situation, tbh. Maybe not for the first few dates, but this could be very limiting for a long term relationship. What if you wanted to move house and start a family elsewhere? It would be very difficult to sell off half of the house where your mother is living. Living there is pretty much tying yourself and potentially someone else to that place for many years to come.

Also, the lack of boundaries and your mum wanted you to fill an empty space would concern me. At first, you won't know people in the are so you will be very available for her. But after a while you will build a network and want to go out more. Except by then your mother will be used to you being around all the time and won't be happy when you are busy. I have seen this happen in my own family.

I think the best thing to do is buy somewhere close by. Then you have your privacy and freedom in place from the start and if you should want to move in future, it will be a lot easier to do.

My SIL & her husband and kids live in the same house as her MIL (separate flats). It works well for them.
Difference being, the MIL is fairly healthy and uncomplicated and does a lot of impromptu childcare, enabling SIL & her husband to both work. She has a busy social life though and e.g. will make it clear to SIL that she can't have the kids that day as she will be going to the theatre with a friend... So it is more the MIL having to draw the boundaries, to avoid becoming the always-available Granny.
And, crucially, my SIL&her husband moved into that house AFTER they got together, it was a joint decision.
Also, and this is also crucial, they are economically completely separate. SIL's MIL owns HER flat, SIL & her husband own THEIR flat. This means that SIL and her husband can move on if they choose to do so. It means that SIL's MIL can move as well, e.g. to some sort of retirement living or care home, if needed, without it impinging too much on SIL & her husband. SIL & husband don't risk losing their home if the MIL stops paying bills for whatever reason. Nor if MIL's assets are taken to pay for caring costs or some such.

In your situation, OP, I wouldn't do it. Once you co-own a house, you will be fully committed, she will be able to 'blackmail' you, there will be NO getting out.

I feel you need to let her know this very clearly. It sounds like she is investing considerable energy into this idea (searching out houses, making building/alteration plans, discussing budgets with you). Energy she should be using to build herself an independent social life instead, and thinking of/planning her future living arrangements that do not involve you.

Tell her that yes, when you move back you will look for something near her. You will help her 'downsize' if that is appropriate and move somewhere near her new place, if that is better. But you won't buy something jointly. Just no.

Regarding the dating. Some women are looking for someone not just willing, but able, to commit fully to them (and possibly their children). For these women, you being already committed for the next 15 years or so, could be a deal-breaker. You could never say 'whatever happens, we will make it work' but instead would have to say things such as 'Yes let's move in together, I really want to live with you, but only as long as you move in with me, as I can't afford to move in with you'.

So yes to moving close by. No to tying yourself up economically.

The only way it could work is if from the outset the joint door was locked constantly except for agreed times

Another don’t do it from me. We built an annex for my father-in-law, a similar set up as you have described, all was well at first but as his health further deteriorated there was pressure on us not to leave him (holidays, days out) even though he had another son and grandson within a few miles. My brother and mother lived together too (I could write a book on that alone), no chance of my brother having his own life, as people have said he became a surrogate husband in many respects. She’s now in a nursing home, but still tries to control his life. Your mum could live another 20 years, my mother didn’t do so many things because ‘she didn’t think she would live this long’. Your mum hasn’t been a widow all that long really, I would find her a future proof flat (preferably one already adapted for the elderly) and move close by. Encourage her to see her friends and make new ones. You can be a good son without sacrificing your life.

You can be a good son without sacrificing your life.

Dozens of PP have eloquently said why they wouldn't do it. I'm with them. Pop over to the Elderly Parent thread if you are still swithering and see what may lie ahead...
Take a fresh sheet of paper and write your options based on you and you alone. Then after you've got that down, work out how you can achieve what you've written but continue to be a good son...