AIBU in believing that *generally*, men commit infidelity at a higher percentage than women?

[WhereTheFuckIsMyFuckingCoat]

I'm arguing with DH about this. Every single survey/paper etc that I can find, except for one possibly slightly unreliable one state that men are statistically considerably more likely to commit adultery/be unfaithful than women.

DH states that this is untrue in the current digital climate. He says in his experience, women are every bit as likely to cheat in this day and age.

I just can't agree with this. Anecdotally (which I know doesn't count statistically), men are hugely more likely to stray, from what I've seen.

Am I wrong? This is causing ructions between DH and I.

Why are you having a row about this?

I don't know really. DH thinks I'm a bitter feminist who wants to put men in a bad light no matter what. I want him to understand that I'm just a realist. Yes I'm a feminist but that doesn't make me a misandrist too.

YANBU. There's been loads of social science research done on this.

...no stats but I would guess that historically you are right. Currently I would guess it's 50/50 for childless couples, then (male first) 90:10 until kids aged 10 then on a sliding scale until the kids are over 20. Thereafter I think it would be more women than men having affairs- kids have gone, no other reason to stay, bored and bad sex life.

Would be interested to see if there's any research

I would be raising an eyebrow at his attitude toward you and his portrayal of you.

No stats but this feels right to me too!

Currently I would guess it's 50/50 for childless couples, then (male first) 90:10 until kids aged 10 then on a sliding scale until the kids are over 20. Thereafter I think it would be more women than men having affairs- kids have gone, no other reason to stay, bored and bad sex life.

In my little group of friends it's all been men so far. Stupid cliches around 40 who lose their minds (and largely, their families).

Yanbu just a few years ago wasn't there a thing about a website that was for 'married people to have affairs' but it turned out all the women on there were 'models' or 'escorts' and not actually wives looking to cheat? In my friends and family for all of my life (30s) I've known one woman to cheat and I've known many men to cheat. Also as you say as much as we can all give our anecdotes and they will all be different (some will know only men who cheat some only women and some people will know no cheaters) there have been studies done about it and they show men are overwhelmingly the cheaters. Not all men/some women should go without saying really in the face of data which is everywhere and that I remember first reading when I was about 13 and was reading stuff like cosmo/more magazine with my friends in the playground to laugh at position of the fortnight or whatever

I also second JingsMahBucket!

Oh I do roll my eyes. In fact this is what partly causes these rows. I so desperately want him to understand feminism and he bloody doesn't!! It's fucking infuriating. I can't even put into words how much it angers me. Then when the discussion gets heated, I'm the aggressive bitter man hater. Even though he's the one who aggression has been an issue for his whole life, but I so much as raise my voice in exasperation and I'm a hypocrite etc. Gah, this is depressing.

Presumably all these unfaithful men are having affairs with women so surely it's going to be about 50/50 or do you think there are some really promiscuous women about who have multiple affairs.

Whilst I agree with @Slapbetcommissioner in general it depends when the survey was done.
I am early 50s and have seen a BIG turn around. For context I work in a male dominated industry and the majority of my friends are male. Historically I saw guys leaving their wives for younger models but now I am seeing women being bored senseless after spending years with the same man 'for the sake of the children'. To be honest most of the males seem a little bemused and have no idea how it happened. Aaarrrrrggghhh

Presumably all these unfaithful men are having affairs with women so surely it's going to be about 50/50 or do you think there are some really promiscuous women about who have multiple affairs.

Sorry for double post

I read a study that accounted for the differences in promiscuity - it said that generally men tend to have affairs with younger women. In a lot of cases these women will be single, and therefore not committing adultery. Paid for sex was also counted as infidelity, therefore in these cases also the females won't be committing adultery.

Well there are next to no male prostitutes who solely work with women and there are gazillions of female who solely work with men. On that alone, I'd say you were right.

He sounds like a right nob.

Women are just clever enough not to get caught

Presumably all these unfaithful men are having affairs with women so surely it's going to be about 50/50 or do you think there are some really promiscuous women about who have multiple affairs.

I was about to say the same thing, TownHall - although that is a good point, MrsTP.

What a strange thing to argue so angrily about, though - "More of your lot are worse than more of my lot!"

Would the feminist cause not be better served in demonstrating ways in which women are ACTIVELY discriminated against and treated as inferior? Although the betrayed spouses are clearly being treated appallingly when they're cheated on, he could easily argue that, as far as feminism is concerned, his deliberate act of commission is with a woman who is (presumably) a willing accomplice, whether she's single or married and/or a prostitute - and the woman (unless single and unaware of his marital status) is therefore betraying womanhood as a whole just as much as he is.

I think opportunity may also have something to do with it, as statistically women do more of the childcare. So to take my parents as an example:

DM - up at 6.30, get ready, give children breakfast, take children to childminder, drive to school (teacher), teach, drive back to childminder, take children home, cook dinner, evening at home with family

DF - leave house at 7 for work, return home for dinner at about 7

Which had more time and opportunity to cheat (neither did as far as I know!!!)? Even allowing for the fact that other jobs would perhaps allow more opportunity than teaching, it’s still a big difference.

Whether this will change as time has moved on and as more men do more childcare, we’ll see!

Presumably all these unfaithful men are having affairs with women so surely it's going to be about 50/50 or do you think there are some really promiscuous women about who have multiple affairs.

Er no, the (married/committed) men are sleeping with single (often younger) women. Not other married/committed women.

In general, men are more likely than women to cheat, but the gender gap in infidelity varies by age.

Infidelity statistics.

Hint - men cheat more than women.

Also - I had a boyfriend like this who just didn't get or even want to try and understand feminism, and he would just moan about how mean we all were to men etc.

I threw him out eventually. Get yourself a bloke who's not a wanksock.

Thinking about the potential risks involved for each party-women bear the brunt of risk (pregnancy, lower incomes meaning they are less able to support themselves in divorce, partner becoming violent on discovery, cultural blame/shame tending to be worse for women, potentially fewer opportunities for meeting partners due to working from the home/childcare).
Female sex workers, again count for a huge proportion.

No, these days I think its equal. Going off my circle its more women to be honest.

I only know women who have cheated.

Taking into account paid for sex then it is most likely men.