AIBU in believing that *generally*, men commit infidelity at a higher percentage than women?

[WhereTheFuckIsMyFuckingCoat]

I'm arguing with DH about this. Every single survey/paper etc that I can find, except for one possibly slightly unreliable one state that men are statistically considerably more likely to commit adultery/be unfaithful than women.

DH states that this is untrue in the current digital climate. He says in his experience, women are every bit as likely to cheat in this day and age.

I just can't agree with this. Anecdotally (which I know doesn't count statistically), men are hugely more likely to stray, from what I've seen.

Am I wrong? This is causing ructions between DH and I.

Calling him a nob and a wanksock doesn't help. I know his failings, we've been together 18yrs. I can be a bit of a nob too tbh.

It's interesting to hear others POV on the subject. Most of the links on here I've read already. It seems that most of them back up my point that men cheat more, although possibly more women than I thought do too.

Is it purely opportunity? Fear of reprisals?

Hmm I am kind of the fence.

As I have got older I have discovered that of the women I know, quite a lot have cheated but got away with it. Women I have worked with for years, I knew them when they were having the affair but it's only something they have spoken about years later.

Women in my social circle and family circle as well.

I also believe the studies are correct and more men cheat. But I, imagine that less women would admit it. I also think the numbers will change a lot. More women work outside the home now and have more opportunity to cheat. Like men have always had the opportunity.

Why are you trying yourself up in knots to prove beyond all reasonable doubt that men cheat more? If he isn't going to be convinced, then he isn't going to be convinced. It's obviously not a subject he gives a stuff about. Is he generally socially aware and concerned about news, politics, ethics, etc? What's his particular beef in life?

Sometimes his refusal to accept things which are blatantly proven facts if they don't suit him drives me to distraction. He is socially aware, yes, probably more politically knowledgeable than me in some ways, but there are just some things that he seems to be wilfully ignorant about and it annoys me. I've let it drop now but it's obviously still niggling me.

I'm not sure you can believe stats. Where do they get their information and across what spectrum?

IME it's about 60% women

Op, your husband is allowed to disagree with you, and he’s allowed opinions of hs own. What you may regard as provable facts he may regard as contentious. For every report or stat “proving” one thing there are studies proving the opposite.

Yeah no I get that. I wasn't necessarily saying this particular subject is a proven fact. In fact it's not, but there are things which have been pretty much indisputable and this particular row just touched a nerve.

Surely they can only get information from surveys? As far as sex and relationships goes, those are far from reliable. I suspect that things have changed a lot over the years.

I definitely believe women are less likely to admit they cheated but men are still statistically more likely to cheat.

I agree with you there @safetyfreak

I really think you need to look at wether you are partly to blame.

If this, unproven subject caused an argument, then it's possible that you don't respect his opinion.

My mum work at believe some things that everyone accepts as facts. So what? Facts actually change all the time and often facts are proved wrong or something appears that changes those facts.

Some people don't believe what they read or studies. Mum is still entitled to her opinion.

Sorry forgot to say, you really need to think about why you are so worked up he won't agree with you, when you admit that it isn't provable.

These studies are usually self reported. Loads of people will lie. It's not a fact. Getting worked up that he won't accept a self reporting, unproven study is (in your opinion) 100% correct makes it look like you are the unreasonable one.

It's not so much his refusal to believe any/all of these things, I've already said that I get that my opinion isn't fact. It's more his attitude towards my views and his belief that my feminism is something bitter and nasty that's at the core of my annoyance. He thinks I believe this because I have a need for women to be superior or innocent, when it's actually because I feel that my beliefs are based on experience and truth.

My mum work at believe some things that everyone accepts as facts. So what? Facts actually change all the time and often facts are proved wrong or something appears that changes those facts.

Some people don't believe what they read or studies. Mum is still entitled to her opinion.

Bravo. This is pretty much the definition of 'underthinking'. An uninformed opinion has zero value. Any averagely intelligent literate adult should be able to distinguish between a report on a peer-reviewed study by a reputable researcher and some random, mis-spelt Incel/conspiracy theorist ramblings on an internet discussion forum.

I so desperately want him to understand feminism and he bloody doesn't!! It's fucking infuriating. I can't even put into words how much it angers me. Then when the discussion gets heated, I'm the aggressive bitter man hater. Even though he's the one who aggression has been an issue for his whole life, but I so much as raise my voice in exasperation and I'm a hypocrite etc.

There's your issue, OP. He sounds misogynistic. But forget infidelity, if your issue is that you are trying in vain to get him to understand the goals of feminism, talk to him about the pay gap or workplace discrimination.

There are no "facts" here. All these surveys are self reported and unreliable.

For example, men reportedly have double the number of sexual partners compared to women. This is because men over estimate and women under estimate. On average, women and men must have the same number of sexual partners (opposite sex).

Ive never ever heard of any women living a double life or lying and saying they have no children and are single whilst sleeping about. However, I have heard men saying this quite a lot of times.

But it's turning into, you not allowing him to disagree with you.

You are starting to come across as though these reports must be right, because the men come out looking worse.

I don't believe that you do think this. But that's how this issue is coming across.

Read your op. You talk studies and facts. Then back it up with your opinion. Your facts aren't facts and very flawed studies. If you simply said 'I know more men than women who have cheated, in my life and he denied that, I would agree with you.

But you are talking across the general population and trying to use studies to prove that you are right and his is wrong.

It is coming across as you have a need to be right, even when there is not right.

This is pretty much the definition of 'underthinking'. An uninformed opinion has zero value. Any averagely intelligent literate adult should be able to distinguish between a report on a peer-reviewed study by a reputable researcher and some random, mis-spelt Incel/conspiracy theorist ramblings on an internet discussion forum.

Wow you enjoy being so condescending, don't you.

It's not underthinking. She is just sceptical. And you know what, I will let her be. She doesn't believe it because it's in a report. Like she never believed Dr Wakefield and linking MMR to Autisim etc. She did believe Edwina Curry when she started on about salmonella, when lots of others were sceptical.

She is entitled to her opinion. Sometimes she turns out to be right. Sometimes she is wrong. It's not impacted my life, so no point getting angry with her. She believes in God, Jesus, the virgin birth etc. I don't. So what.

I don't think he's a misogynist but I do struggle to have conversations about feminism with him.

It's not underthinking. She is just sceptical.

She believes in God, Jesus, the virgin birth

I really don't think you could call her 'sceptical'.

Men are unfaithful. Women are unfaithful. If we're talking heterosexuals here, if more men than women are unfaithful, some women would have to be very unfaithful in order to accommodate all the men who want to stray.
People shag. They do it because they get the opportunity. End of. Perhaps the problem is that we have a concept of exclusivity in relationships.

Townhall they are generally having affairs with single women. Hence the term mistress. There are more women than men generally I think.Young men are more likely to die young due to their less risk averse nature. Men die younger in general of heart disease etc. Plus men can always order themselves a Thai bride. My dad had a particular fondness for much younger Russian women, ended up marrying one.

The research I read was that the numbers are around equal but the reasons are different in that men are more likely to cheat for sex and it be meaningless whereas women are more likely to cheat emotionally as wel as physically and are more likely to leave.

In my circles women cheating have far far exceeded men by about three to one so if the circles I had moved in were a part of the study then women would have come out on top whereas someone else might move in a circle where more men have cheated in which case the men would have come out on top iyswim.

IME women are just as likely to cheat as men but A, women don’t want to admit that they do, B, it serves women well to believe that all men are at it, and C, women are more forgiving of each other than of men. So a woman who knows that her friend/sister/husband’s partner/de has cheated is more likely to be understanding of and even inventing reasons why they might have, whereas when it’s a man who cheated no reasoning is ever acceptable and nothing short of going nc is

Feminism doesn't really have a set definition anyway does it, so it can be hard to explain it to someone.

If he just reads some of the hate filled misandry in the Guardian, he's not going to think very highly of it. Maybe find a good book on the subject and agree that if he reads it, then the discussion is closed.

As for the cheating stats..it would make sense that men do it more with the prevalence of sex workers, but I think it's a pointless discussion..what point are you trying prove anyway?

If a single woman sleeps with a married man, she doesn't get off on a technicality for me..she is a s bad as the man.

This may come across as goady or dumb or just a man being a man.. but..

Why are you trying to explain and convert him if he doesn't care or isn't interested? Especially if it's leading to arguments etc?
Agree to disagree and move on.

As for then cheating..
I'm.biased.. I've never cheated in my life and every woman I've had a long term relationship with has cheated.
I've worked wothany men over the years and none have been cheats as far as I know, many have split due to their ex cheating.

Bit we'll never know the real figures. It is likely.more.men cheat, but the margin would be much smaller than imagined because fewer women get caught or admit it.