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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

AIBU to sometime be extremely jealous of parents with NT kids

290 replies

Studyinghell · 18/09/2018 21:28

Just tht really, not that I’d wish his personality away or anything like that. But when things are hard Im so jealous of parents with NT kids and kids with no medical conditions

OP posts:
BrioLover · 18/09/2018 23:04

I get this feeling. My DS1 has just been diagnosed with autism, albeit with the current label of 'high-functioning', and it's made me feel sad and relieved at the same time.

He's in a mainstream primary at the moment but I do worry about him in later years. And I struggle to see all the other kids happily chatting away to their parents on the way home when I am racing to get DS back so he can chill out after trying to act normal for a school day...

MorningsEleven · 18/09/2018 23:06

I agree that it's isolating. Also I said something to someone about how we get DLA and their reaction was along the lines of you should only get DLA if your kid is in a wheelchair. Those of you who get DLA will know how hard it is to claim and how much proof you need.

I also get the grief. In our case things seemed normal until my child was six and then it was like an avalanche. Sometimes I feel like the body snatches came.

Sugarformyhoney · 18/09/2018 23:06

Yasnbu. It’s hard. So fucking hard at times... and I have two NT kids as well as one with a disability. They are so easy in comparison. I love all my dc equally but every day is s challenge

TheNoodlesIncident · 18/09/2018 23:12

@Onlyhappywhenitrains1 - that sounds very difficult as well, I wouldn't minimise that particular anguish either.

We don't mean to torture ourselves with these issues, it's never going to help us achieve any kind of acceptance. It's just so hard not to! As if we didn't have enough to keep us awake at night...

And thanks Studyinghell, DS is doing better than I did for sure, and things are much easier than they were then. As SinkGirl says, it's the not-knowing what the future holds for your children that is so difficult, it makes it harder to prepare yourself I think.

BrickByBrick · 18/09/2018 23:13

I am probably a huge factor in ds having asd. I try not to think about it too much. But in moments I feel a huge sense of blame.

Tortoisecharlie · 18/09/2018 23:13

I guess the only thing to watch out for is that natural jealousy turning into long term resentment. We are more vulnerable than most parents to sinking ourselves. Becoming all consumed. And missing the joy of their childhoods.

It’s a tricky mix isn’t it. We’ve got to vent, it IS so so tough. But somehow find the strength to see the stars as it were some of the time. A friend of mine cannot even see other ‘normal’ children now without being enraged, has become desperate and her marriage is breaking down. She feels angry a lot.

speakingwoman · 18/09/2018 23:14

Yanbu

CuntyMcFuckerson · 18/09/2018 23:16

Springer, is there any need for your "identikit, samey, boring NT child," comment? There we no need for it as well as it being utter bollocks.

toxic44 · 18/09/2018 23:17

Not at all unreasonable. ND children become ND adults and their lives can be dogged with difficult issues NT people don't even suspect exist. My DP is on the spectrum and dearly as I love him, his condition can be hard work, 24/7. I love him as he is but what a different life he would have had as NT.

passwordfailure · 18/09/2018 23:20

There's clearly a few of us here but the SN boards are soooo quiet. Shall we all try and make more of an effort to swing by there and check the unanswered threads?

speakingwoman · 18/09/2018 23:22

I have known the feeling springer describes. Don’t see the problem.

speakingwoman · 18/09/2018 23:23

Why are the SN boards quiet? God I absolutely lived there for years..... :(

Squidgee · 18/09/2018 23:26

I've never really bothered with the SN boards.

Either no-one answered my questions or the threads moved too quickly and I felt lost.

MorningsEleven · 18/09/2018 23:27

@passwordfailure

I think it's a great idea.

GreyBird84 · 18/09/2018 23:28

100% With you OP.
My DS has just started special nursery. I’m delighted he’s got into a setting that can meet his needs but it breaks my heart too. I worry about his future so much. I’m now his full time carer as could find no suitable childcare....good job, pension etc....I’ve been on antidepressants almost a year now. It’s a fucking cruel life for a family.

MrsHoodwink · 18/09/2018 23:33

I feel jealous on behalf of my DD (it’s DS on the spectrum)

Everything is always about her brother, waiting for her brother, soothing her brother, needing her to “just wait a moment”. Absolutely breaks my heart, I make time for just me and her of course but it’s not the same

Squidgee · 18/09/2018 23:36

I had to quit my job, am now DS's carer, claiming carers allowance and everything.

ExH used to complain about me not working, but you find me a job that will accept me calling in saying 'going to be late/not coming in, DS wont get dressed/is refusing to go to school' or having to leave early because the schools phoned to tell me I need to come get him, or he's been suspended.

I used to get called 3-4 times a week, every week, it was just impossible.

CuntyMcFuckerson · 18/09/2018 23:39

Was that in reply to me, Speaking?

You don't see the problem about making sweeping, pretty unkind comments about NT children?

You'd sure have a problem if someone did that about ND children and rightly ducking so!

MorningsEleven · 18/09/2018 23:50

@MrsHoodwink We try to take a day or an evening each alone with DS. I am so aware that too much revolves around DD and I don't want him to feel that he's not important.

slkk · 18/09/2018 23:52

I sometimes stare at other families and their compliant loving children reacting normally to chidhood experiences. I’m sad for us but I’m more sad for my son..

zen1 · 18/09/2018 23:58

YANBU. 9 years ago I thought I had 3 NT children. Turns out I don’t have any (all have ASD plus other co-morbids). It can be lonely and isolating. People don’t ‘get it’ unless they are also living it.

RonniePickering · 18/09/2018 23:59

YANBU.

I have a son with autism, my two sisters each have a child the same age as him, it hurts to see the many differences when they’re all together.

BrioLover · 19/09/2018 00:08

@passwordfailure yes. I've been avoiding them tbh but it's time to stop being an ostrich.

Leavesorange · 19/09/2018 00:13

@BrickByBrick

I am probably a huge factor in ds having asd. I try not to think about it too much. But in moments I feel a huge sense of blame

Why is that? How do you feel you caused your ds asd?

AornisHades · 19/09/2018 00:30

I've got one NT and one with ASD. I adore them but it's hard. I have to micromanage things for the dc with ASD and they control our lives. The NT child has to compromise in a myriad of ways for the other. My heart breaks when I watch my dc with ASD with their peers. My heart swells when I see my NT dc be kind because they do 'kind' routinely but I know their childhood is compromised so there's a guilt. We'll never have a family outing to X because one dc won't cope and the other won't get the same life as their peers.