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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

AIBU to sometime be extremely jealous of parents with NT kids

290 replies

Studyinghell · 18/09/2018 21:28

Just tht really, not that I’d wish his personality away or anything like that. But when things are hard Im so jealous of parents with NT kids and kids with no medical conditions

OP posts:

SandunesAndRainclouds · 18/09/2018 21:59

I remember clearly the first time I felt like this...

Had been out with a friend and her 2 DCs for a while. It had been pretty stressful for me, perhaps not so much.

It really hit me when it came time to go home. Her two were in the car, safely belted in, buggy loaded, snacks handed out, children grateful etc etc

All that happened while I was still persuading DD to get into her seat, while she was kicking off at the unfairness of it all (despite asking to go home for most of the activity...).

SinkGirl · 18/09/2018 22:01

Also about to apply for DLA, which we desperately need mainly to get nursery funding so I can afford to send both boys as I think it will be good for their development. Based on the criteria we should be fine... but I know what they’re like.

MrsMaisel · 18/09/2018 22:01

Not jealous. But a twinge of regret for my son that things which 'everyone else' takes for granted, he can't. He's beyond amazing though. If this is him, then I'm lucky to have him.

SandunesAndRainclouds · 18/09/2018 22:01

Oops, *perhaps not for her so much

MNetting in the dark trying to convince DD to sleep.

Crunchymum · 18/09/2018 22:01

Some very insightful posts here and I want to tell you all that you do a wonderful job.

Our baby has a rare genetic condition and will face a multitude of learning and emotional difficulties as well as having global development delay. We don't know where she will fall on the spectrum for her condition and that makes it all the more scary.

We face a lot of uncertainty as we know she will be affected, just not to what degree.

AmIRightOrAMeringue · 18/09/2018 22:03

Not at all, you can't help how you feel. It feels like struggle enough sometimes with NT kids even with knowing how lucky you are. And seems like the current system of school etc puts a lot of obstacles in your way.

SinkGirl · 18/09/2018 22:05

Crunchy in a similar boat here - I find the not knowing the hardest part. If I could have a crystal ball and see the reality of the future, no matter how bad, I feel I’d be more able to tackle it.

We have so much uncertainty. My son had a big regression about 18 months and honestly it feels like part of him just went away. I can’t even look at old videos of him as it breaks my heart to see how he was and how he is now.

I hope things work out well for you x

NiamhNaomh · 18/09/2018 22:05

I feel very lucky. I have 2 NT (1 has dyslexia) children and 1 autistic child. I wouldn’t change a hair on the head of any of them. The child with ASD is absolutely adored in our house, obviously all of the kids are but because he is developmentally delayed he is minded like a much smaller child by his siblings. His 2 siblings spend their time telling him how great they think he is. It makes dealing with the difficulties he faces so much easier because there is such a strong bond between them.

Squidgee · 18/09/2018 22:07

I think the 'i couldn't do it' is natural.

I hear 'i dont know how you do it' and 'i couldn't do what you do' quite a bit when I bemoan I've had 3hrs sleep and been attacked by my DS because his sister caused a meltdown by poking him.

Or when they've seen me having to restrain him on the playground while he's screaming and swearing (among the 'bad parent' judging)

So I KNOW what its like to think... you just do it, you have to, this is your child, you parent them however they need and you learn to step up to it.

but then I look at parents with severely physically disabled children, and I think 'i dont know how you do it' and 'i couldn't do what you do' all the same.. even though I know they'd give the same answer I give!

drspouse · 18/09/2018 22:08

We wished we had a child at all, then adopted our two, and now we have two children with additional needs.
And yes I wish we could just do normal stuff, I wish DS could have friends, and learn what he's capable of.

notgivingin789 · 18/09/2018 22:08

OP, I get it. I use to feel like you - but not anymore. I don’t know if it’s because DS is still young-ish and maybe I will feel different once he reaches teenage hood /adulthood.

Though, in all honesty, feeling like this was a total waste of time. I wished I spent DS’s early years on just enjoying him. We only have one life and I don’t want to waste it on being sad or comparing my lives to others and so forth.

My DS has Autism and language difficulties. Two years ago we thought he had an illness which would have compromised his life. Thankfully, it wasn’t anything like that. But that experience taught me... having previously thought that Autism was the worst thing that can every happen to my son. I realised him not being here any longer is the worst thing that could happen and I’ve cherished him ever since.

Neurotypical children/ adults lives may seem ok for now. However, I’ve met some that their lives have taken a drastic turn. A child falling sick/ had a life changing accident, turning to gangs, premature death, a death of a close loved one etc. The list is endless.

What I’m trying to get at, is, life is so unpredictable and we don’t know what’s going to happen 10 years on from now. It’s better to accept the life you have, enhance it as best as you can and keep going forward.

sunsunsunsunsun · 18/09/2018 22:12

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

StealthPolarBear · 18/09/2018 22:12

Surely the main difference when parenting an nt child is whatever the issue or problem of the moment, in a month or two it will have passed. Things usually can be counted on to improve and get easier.

BrickByBrick · 18/09/2018 22:12

I'm jealous of how easy their lives seem to be - I know deep down they probably aren't always easy but just that they seem to be able to do so much.

I had my 12 yr old (nt) sobbing the other day as she is finding things so tough. I worry that she doesn't want to invite her friends round because of him, I worry that she will struggle next year when they are likely to be at the same school together.

My ds (asd) and youngest dd (nt) fight all the time, and if they aren't fighting we are just waiting for them to start to do so.

I am jealous that no one else gets calls at work from their dh (sahp) almost in tears because he doesn't know what to do with what is being thrown at him.

I am jealous that everything has to take thought, everything is a mental minefield all of the time, I constantly have to be 10 steps ahead of myself.

I find it absolutely draining.

NiamhNaomh · 18/09/2018 22:14

Two years ago we thought he had an illness which would have compromised his life.

Notgiving that is the same as us and like you it gave us a different perspective. DS nearly lost his life after an epileptic seizure and there was a suspicion that he might have had some kind of tumour. It turned out not to be the case and suddenly ASD was nothing by comparison for us.

Tortoisecharlie · 18/09/2018 22:14

Yanbu it’s very very tough, isolating and exhausting. Of course both my kids are amazing however my oldest is healthy, independent and will fly the nest. My youngest is non of these things and never will be, there’s a huge worry about that.

Annabel7 · 18/09/2018 22:15

I totally understand it. My son has developmental delay and I'm envious too sometimes. However the school he's at has kids who will never walk and talk and that helps me gain perspective. No-one wants their kid to struggle and sometimes it's hard. It's ok to acknowledge that...

widget2015 · 18/09/2018 22:16

I feel the same. Sometimes it breaks my heart to watch my ds's peers progress while he can't.

MorningsEleven · 18/09/2018 22:17

Sorry, I've just realised how odd my post looks, I'm missing half of it. I have one NT (total dote)and one with additional needs and every day is like pushing an elephant up the stairs. And things ebb and flow so we'll be on an even keel for a week then the tics start up again along with the meltdowns and self harm and mysphonia and huge panic attacks and sleep walking. It's exhausting.

Original poster

Studyinghell · 18/09/2018 22:20

I think the developmental delay is a big thing for me/him right now too, it just seems like such a big gap again. he’s just gone from a lovely small primary school with a friendship group to a massive high school and honestly it’s like déjà vu, the issues I thought we’d mastered are back. With hormones

OP posts:

Strippervicar · 18/09/2018 22:20

@kaytee87 This was my DD. She's 18 months older now and getting to tolerate stay and play. It was demoralising.

blackvelvetband · 18/09/2018 22:20

Yanbu