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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

AIBU to sometime be extremely jealous of parents with NT kids

290 replies

Studyinghell · 18/09/2018 21:28

Just tht really, not that I’d wish his personality away or anything like that. But when things are hard Im so jealous of parents with NT kids and kids with no medical conditions

OP posts:
Mamabearx4 · 18/09/2018 22:23

I have 1 sen, 1 medical condition and 2 nt. Its bloody hard work. But i see the adults they are becoming, Nd how the pushing themselfs to understand their conditions and where they fit in the world. I dont sleep, eat little, senses on highted aleart waiting for the next crisis. Dodging the comments and judgements from those that dont know the full picture. (Hard not to be made to feel like a shit parent) form filling, appoinment ferrying. Tutoring. Making special meals. Phone calls. All whilst looking after 2 nt and that intails. Sometimes i want out, usally when sat in a and e again close to tears. Sometimes you crack,its human. You have to cherish the moments of peace. Because they are so few.

Squidgee · 18/09/2018 22:25

I have one of each.

My eldest has Autism, ADHD, Dyspraxia, SPD, Anxiety and a sleep disorder...

my youngest is (so far) NT, but she does have some things going on that I suspect she is also dyspraxic.

TBH, I think parenting her is just as difficult, because stuff I do and did for DS, I have to NOT do for her, because she doesn't need that level of input and support. I had to re-learn how to parent.. its crazy.

passwordfailure · 18/09/2018 22:27

Little wave at OP and everyone else here.

I have 2 YAs with SN - of course I love them to bits and celebrate their small (in NT world) accomplishments. DS2 stood in the garden recently after being unable to leave the house for a year. DS1 has finally got his own flat (I see him for long periods every day) - I feel like we are getting there...very, very slowly....

I feel really, really jealous and angry when people moan about seating arrangements at their NT DC's weddings etc. It makes me want to howl with anger and sadness.

The other thing that gets my goat is the forms, oh the forms. And benefits - yep that's us - big old drain on society. I'm getting older and meaner though, benefits woman recently tried to shame me and said "OTHER people with disabled children work" I said "don't worry, maybe he'll die then I will pay tax again too" - I said this with a very sweet smile.

LittleMy77 · 18/09/2018 22:28

I don't think you're BU at all. I've found parenting a child with additional needs has been isolating and difficult at lots of points, and I've had to step away for a time from people I know with NT kids as I felt so bitter about their successes (when I didn't want to feel like that at all, I should be happy for them, and I know lots of people have different issues going on that aren't always apparent)

I find the daily grind the hardest - trying to find and implement tactics / solutions to do the simplest of things (shoes on, get in the car etc, go shopping etc) which won't result in a 30 minute meltdown; the endless bureaucracy and form filling in for the Drs, the school, the therapists etc; always having to be the fecking squeaky wheel to get any sort of help / provision and accepting that you're likely labeled as mum as a result; dealing with the 'looks' and not helpful comments when we're out or with family.

I know all kids have their ups and downs, but what really gets me is the things I long for (making and playing with friends, grasping social constructs easily, being invited to playdates and parties etc, being able to cope with wider family and building relationships ) is unlikely to happen the older they get. I try not to wallow / think about it, but fml, sometimes its just HARD.

KitKat1985 · 18/09/2018 22:30

YANBU OP. DD1 (aged 4) is likely to be diagnosed as being on the ASD spectrum. Her language skills are about half that of a typical child her age, and she hates contact with other children her age, and lots of noises / food types. Her 'parent chat' page for her nursery is just full of other Mums talking about how much fun their kids at nursery that day and how she couldn't stop talking about x today, and arranging playdates with their friends, and I just read those messages and feel twinges of sadness that I'm not part of that world really.

Lalliella · 18/09/2018 22:30

There will be millions of people wishing they had a child at all.

Huggybear that is a vile and judgemental thing to say. Just because there are people with a worse situation than OP doesn’t mean that OP isn’t justified in the way she feels. Not a day goes by without me looking at my children and thinking how grateful and lucky I am, and one of the things I’m grateful for is that they are NT. I am very mindful of the struggles of others and count my blessings daily. OP YADNBU, Flowers for you.

SinkGirl · 18/09/2018 22:32

Thank you sun

It’s hard seeing his twin progressing and him not, although it’s a lot more dramatic when I see singletons who tend to progress quicker in many areas.

I thought at least they’d always have each other, but they completely ignore each other. Seeing other twins being so close is something I really struggle with too. I just want them to be okay.

Original poster
Studyinghell · 18/09/2018 22:33

Sooo hard, sometimes need a wallow, start fresh the next day @LittleMy77

OP posts:
Onlyhappywhenitrains1 · 18/09/2018 22:37

I'm massively jealous of everyone else and their "normal" children. I still can't get over the, why me/us.

I love my ds very much but if I could wave a wand and magic all his problems away, I would.

PurpleDaisies · 18/09/2018 22:37

Read the thread Lalliella, huggy has explained what they meant.

passwordfailure · 18/09/2018 22:38

OP - you are right re having a little wallow from time to time. But today was a very, very good day for us, I am actually buzzing about it. DS1 cooked spag bol for all 3 of us (kitchen bombed but don't care) DS2 came out of his room and watched TV and joined DS1 and me and the dogs in the living room and chatted for 2 whole hours. He even hugged us both. I feel I can see light at the end of the tunnel, it may still be years away, but the light exists.

megletthesecond · 18/09/2018 22:38

Yanbu.
When it's just my DS around it's a doddle. He won't run off, have a meltdown in a shop or trash anything.
Totally different ballgame with my dd. I'm permanently being vigilant and on edge. It's exhausting.

MozzieMagnet · 18/09/2018 22:39

Brew Cake Brew Cake

Kay2705 · 18/09/2018 22:44

I'm jealous of people with kids 😢

tootiredtospeak · 18/09/2018 22:50

I have both 1 autistic DS with a variety of issues and 2 NT children. Its definately much harder but sometimes I realise that actually all kids do things I thought was just him and his autism/difficulties. Its getting easier hes nearly 17 and just finished school thanks god. I am keeping my fingers crossed it all gets easier from here. I doubt it

TheNoodlesIncident · 18/09/2018 22:52

Onlyhappywhenitrains1 I have the opposite to you: I know exactly where ds's autism has come from, and it's ME. I live with the guilt of this every day. If I had known my difficulties were due to my being autistic, and that there was a very strong chance that I would pass it on to any dc, I wouldn't have had any - I'd have got dogs instead. I wouldn't wish it on anyone, and I say that as someone whose autism is "mild" enough to be able to mask their struggles.

I remember my son's teachers in F1 exclaiming horrified, "But you mustn't compare!" when I told them how I wept after hearing a younger child than mine having a proper conversation with adults. But how can you not compare? How, when other children understand what you say; get simple jokes; follow instructions; understand that when you cry, you are unhappy...? Things have improved for me, as DS has made progress; but I remember those early days of his being in a bubble and not knowing whether he would ever come out of it and join the real world.

I still remember the utter terror of that, and I totally sympathise with other parents' struggles, even if they're different from mine. Because it's all so hard. Sad

Original poster
Studyinghell · 18/09/2018 22:55

@passwordfailure you’re not wrong!! Those good days are what keep every1 going I think.

OP posts:
user838383 · 18/09/2018 22:56

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

mumsastudent · 18/09/2018 22:56

when studying I can across a well named journal paper "walk a mile in my shoes" about parents with dc within the spectrum and the judgement they get in this case by social workers doing courses on behaviour management ...

Original poster
Studyinghell · 18/09/2018 22:57

@TheNoodlesIncident I’m sure you’re doing great Flowers

OP posts:
AmIthatbloodycold · 18/09/2018 22:58

YADNBU

I get flashes of "grieving " for the child I thought I might have. Especially when I see young people the same age

It's normal to feel the way you do.Thanks

Onlyhappywhenitrains1 · 18/09/2018 23:01

@TheNoodlesIncident

I'm sorry to hear that. It must add another dynamic knowing you passed it on. But you didn't know and couldn't have forseen it, so don't be too hard on yourself. Flowers

My sons problems are due to a random genetic mutation. So it's litrially just a cruel twist of fate. Sometimes I obsess over what if we'd got married on a different date (he's a honeymoon baby) my life and child would be so different.

Original poster
Studyinghell · 18/09/2018 23:01

@AmIthatbloodycold it’s not so much grieving for the child I didn’t have for me. It’s the heartache and worry

OP posts:
AlexaAmbidextra · 18/09/2018 23:02

There will be millions of people wishing they had a child at all.

Not helpful in the least. 🙄

Original poster
Studyinghell · 18/09/2018 23:03

@Onlyhappywhenitrains1 my ds has a generic mutation too, a balanced translocation. I also spent years thinking “what if”

OP posts: