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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

to take photos at DD's birthday

87 replies

relissa · 18/09/2018 20:01

It is DD's birthday party on Saturday and we invited the whole class to her party (Just a hall, bouncy castle etc.).

A girl in her class has had major problems with her father, he hasn't been in her life for a few years but he comes from another country and has been violent and abusive to her mother. There is a court order in place preventing him contact, for this reason her mother asks the school not to take photos of her, and she is not included in events when photos may be taken (sports days, nativities etc). The mother has genuine concerns that him getting a hold of photos/knowing her whereabouts would be awful.

She is a good friend of DDs and we were pleased she is coming to the party, however her DM has messaged me today after school and asked I take no photos at the party and ask everyone else to do the same.

I'd like to have photos of her birthday for our personal use, and memories of the day as it is her main birthday celebration. I would not post any on social media and would not take any photos of this child. I really understand her worries and want to make her feel comfortable but I think I'd feel sad to have no photos of the day and uncomfortable askinf everyone to do the same (We also have some family visiting that may want to take photos of her with cake etc)

OP posts:

chocolateworshipper · 18/09/2018 20:23

There has to be a compromise here. You have to protect this child, but that shouldn't mean you can't take any photos at all. You can certainly take a photo of her blowing out her candles - just make sure that little girl isn't in the photo. Reassure the Mum that you won't post any photos on social media. I personally wouldn't let anyone else take photos though - it's much more manageable if it's just you taking photos and the Mum is less likely to panic.

justpoppingby · 18/09/2018 20:36

I would tell her I would be taking photos, however I'd assure her that i will try to keep her child out of them and if she is captured in any then I would delete them. If she isn't happy with that then she can choose to let her dd come or not.

Bobbiepin · 18/09/2018 20:40

Maybe ask other parents not to take photos, and have the mum there so she can look through the photos you take to reassure her. She must be terrified of this guy if she's being that specific about it. Even if you wait until child is with mum and behind you before you take pictures. It wouldn't be fair to exclude the poor girl just because her father is a piece of work.

Charm23 · 18/09/2018 20:44

I would say to her that you will be taking photos but you will make an effort to not include her DD. You could mention to people not to include her DD in any photos but ultimately as a parent she is responsible for her daughter and so will need to be there to assure people are not including her in photos as you will have other things to think about on the day. I think its kinda selfish for her to try to prevent anyone from taking photos of a birthday party altogether - photos are memories!

Angie169 · 18/09/2018 20:50

I agree with Bobbypin invite the child and her mum and allow the mum to see all the photos, and even the ones she does not mind do not put them on social media or perhaps you could agree to just 3/4 been put on SM.
Also I presume the DCs will not be wearing school uniform of any sort so they can be identified but make sure the hall that you are having it in does not have anything that can make it easy to identify , including the name of the company that you higher the bouncy castle from .

All that said , it will be very hard for you to stop other DM & DDs taking photos esp if they see you taking them .

Returnofthesmileybar · 18/09/2018 20:55

I would just say "I totally understand but I will be taking photos on the day, I'll do my best to not include your dd in these and assure you that I will post none on any social media. I'll try keep an eye on other parents with cameras but imagine I'll be up to my eyes, you are welcome to pop along and stay for a cuppa if you feel more comfortable"

Original poster

relissa · 18/09/2018 21:03

Didn't think of identifying details in the hall will keep that in mind too!

The message she sent was more of a request than a "will you be taking photos" if that makes sense, so I'm worried to reply to say I will take photos incase that scares her into not bring her daughter which would be sad for everyone.

At the same time though the party will be stressful as it is and going round stopping photos or making sure I tell everyone that arrives not to take any would be quite a lot. I genuinely wouldn't put any on SM anyway and would not include her DD in photos even before she mentioned it.

OP posts:

user1238544334565 · 19/09/2018 06:09

This.

Nobody is going to stop me taking photos of my child at their own event. I sympathise with this lady, but ultimately it's her responsibility to make sure her child isn't in the photos.

Bobbiepin · 19/09/2018 06:12

It doesnt really sound like she's stopping you taking pictures but she's scared and concerned for her daughter. I think the proviso you are making not to include her daughter in photos is kind and doesn't stand in the way of memories.

AjasLipstick · 19/09/2018 06:14

Tell her you will but won't get her DD in any AND you wouldn't be putting them on social media anyway.

Because unless you get the permission of all the kids' parents, that wouldn't be on anyway.

Redken24 · 19/09/2018 06:20

If your uploading them online you can set it up so only family and people at the party see the photos?

Pollypocket090 · 19/09/2018 06:32

I would let her know that we would be taking phones, and although a reasonable effort would be made not to include her dd, she should feel welcome to stay during the party to oversee her daughters safety

junebirthdaygirl · 19/09/2018 06:35

I don't think any other family members should take photos of any other children except your dd. I never do at my gds parties as l don't want pictures on my phone of other children.
But you will want your dd and her friends as a memory and thats important. Reassure her you will not put any on social media and make sure she comes to the party herself to keep an eye on her dd as you won't have time to police that all the time.

EdithWeston · 19/09/2018 06:42

If she's considering not bringing her DD then the reason must be serious. I would not exclude this child for the sake of a few pix.

Yes, you must request no photos, and consider going without them yourself. Because if you're taking photos, it's harder to stop others. You could get other good birthday snaps not at the party, or just one staged one of your DD only eg candles.

MyOtherProfile · 19/09/2018 06:48

When we take photos of our dc parties we don't post ones with other children in on SM unless I know the parents don't mind. I do however usually set up a group of all the parents in a chat and send them photos in that.

Mitsufishi · 19/09/2018 06:49

Is it really that important to have photos? Think what this poor woman has been through and everything she has to go through constantly to keep herself safe. If it were me tbh I’d be thrilled to have an opportunity to make someone feel comfortable by volunteering to just not take photos. She probably has this constantly, always dreading birthday parties and events, wracked with guilt for stopping her DD from taking part in things etc.

Ultimately I don’t YABU to say some of the things up thread but I think for me wanting to be nice to the mum who’s had a hard time would trump having a couple a of photos of my kid with a cake.

Pinkprincess1978 · 19/09/2018 06:53

I couldn't not have photos of my child's birthday and I want to feel free to post them on SM as that is how our distant family keep up with us.

I would let her know that you will do your best to not take any of her dd and of course won't post any that include her dd but she must try and distract dd during the important bits ie cutting of that cake to ensure her DD isn't right next to your dd or the cake otherwise she will be in the pictures.

EdisonLightBulb · 19/09/2018 06:56

Tbh this lady should simply be asking that you exclude her DD from any photographs not stopping you faking any of your own child.

Surely the school haven't stopped doing all photographs of every child at every event or school play for one?

I have every sympathy with her situation but there has to be a compromise.

yetanothernane · 19/09/2018 06:57

Either say your the only one permitted to take photos, and any photos of the child will be blurred/her face covered up. Then ask people who came if anyone would like photo's and then just send an email link containing the photos. If your going to tell this child's mother that your going to be careful with pictures and her daughter you need to make sure other parents understand the situation. I can guarantee someone will still try and take photo's bloody mobiles. It's not enough to say 'oh we will only send pictures to family', what if they upload the photos?
On the other hand, is this girl in question a genuine friend of your daughters? If she didn't arrive because you allowed everyone to take photo's would your daughter be upset?

DukeOfSussex · 19/09/2018 07:02

f she's considering not bringing her DD then the reason must be serious. I would not exclude this child for the sake of a few pix.

That's how I feel. Poor kid. If you are desperate maybe tell family and friends no taking photos, BUT ask the girl's mum to take photos for you? This way she will only take pictures she is comfortable with.

Petalflowers · 19/09/2018 07:02

Maybe she meant no,photos,of her daughter. I think it’s unreasonable,of her to,say no photos full stop.

I think,you need to send a reply saying that you appreciate her situation, and will ensure that no photos,are taken of her daughter, but photographs will be taken during the event. She can then decide whether she wants her dd to,go to the party or not.

Tbh, it’s a little bit unfair to expect you not to take photographs altogether.

TestingTestingWonTooFree · 19/09/2018 07:05

Have there been any other whole class parties she’s been at? Might be worth asking hosts how they resolved this

Bellabutterfly2016 · 19/09/2018 07:14

I'd message her and say that you appreciate her concerns and that although you plan on taking some photos of your daughter you'll make sure her daughter isn't on them.

Or phone her and ask her if she'd like to come and stay at the party (perhaps she could help you out with drinks/ games etc...) and then she'll be re-assured that her daughter won't be in the photos.

What a sad situation for the mother and daughter but I think it's important to keep the little girl included in things and be part of friendship groups etc

GruciusMalfoy · 19/09/2018 07:17

From your update it seems she hasn't asked you not to take photos. So I'd probably go with, "We're really glad X can come to Y's party, looking forward to seeing you. If you're more comfortable with it, you're welcome to stay? I'll be taking photos, but won't include X, and they won't be going on SM. I'll ask other parents not to take any."

YANBU to want photos of your child's party, neither is the other mum in being cautious.

Tartsamazeballs · 19/09/2018 07:19

Why not hire a face painter if you can afford it? That'd help obscure her face for photos if she's in the background?

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