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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

to take photos at DD's birthday

87 replies

relissa · 18/09/2018 20:01

It is DD's birthday party on Saturday and we invited the whole class to her party (Just a hall, bouncy castle etc.).

A girl in her class has had major problems with her father, he hasn't been in her life for a few years but he comes from another country and has been violent and abusive to her mother. There is a court order in place preventing him contact, for this reason her mother asks the school not to take photos of her, and she is not included in events when photos may be taken (sports days, nativities etc). The mother has genuine concerns that him getting a hold of photos/knowing her whereabouts would be awful.

She is a good friend of DDs and we were pleased she is coming to the party, however her DM has messaged me today after school and asked I take no photos at the party and ask everyone else to do the same.

I'd like to have photos of her birthday for our personal use, and memories of the day as it is her main birthday celebration. I would not post any on social media and would not take any photos of this child. I really understand her worries and want to make her feel comfortable but I think I'd feel sad to have no photos of the day and uncomfortable askinf everyone to do the same (We also have some family visiting that may want to take photos of her with cake etc)

OP posts:

SilverLining10 · 19/09/2018 10:43

MissLingos it seems to currently be done at school so the child is aware of her situation. I dont think it's ok at all to not take any photos of her childs birthday. The mother needs to be the one making more of a compromise. She needs to take her dd aside when photos are being taken. How is she managing this at school events then? Her child is excluded from the activity itself which is far worse.

Redglitter · 19/09/2018 14:09

Apart from the fact that it will ease the mind of a traumatised woman who lives in fear of losing her child

And as most people have suggested there are other options to reassure her while still getting photos.

Pinkprincess1978 · 19/09/2018 15:30

My kids school have a blanket ban on parents taking photos at any event due to this situation. As a parent it is sometimes incredibly sad especially as my DH and I have to share so one might get to see one dc assembly/play/sports day and the other gets the other DC and a little video or photo would be lovely but it is what it is and we don't have control of that and keeping children safe is important.

The school are great in that they send home a free picture of the child in costume/PE kit after each event but it's not quite the same.

The only one I'm really disappointed at it my dd who is incredibly shy had a small part in the school play. At the last moment it was decided she would sing a verse solo - I cried and was so proud of her doing this. I'm sad we don't have a video to remind us of it (we filmed her at home singing the song so it's not totally lost).

StealthPolarBear · 19/09/2018 15:34

" put a notice up and tell all parents that because of child safety reasons, there will be a designated photographer at the party and ask that no-one else take any photos."
Half the guests won't see or read it. And some of the ones who do will decide it doesn't apply to them/this party.

Original poster

relissa · 19/09/2018 15:44

I responded to the mum and asked if she would be comfortable if I just took one or two of DD (and DD alone) with her cake or something similar. I told her I would ensure her DD isn't in it and that it wouldn't be shared on SM. I did add that if not I wouldn't take any, in terms of telling parents I don't have every single parents contact details so would have to tell them at the party, along with a few other friends from outside school/family.

In terms of how she deals with it at school, her DD sadly does often miss out, she doesn't take part in sports day as the school can't 100% ensure that she isn't caught in the background of someone's photo and although we all sign agreement to say no photos other than our own children on SM a few parents have ignored it in the past. I have seen my DD in the background of other peoples videos in the past.

OP posts:

shakeyourcaboose · 19/09/2018 19:42

Has she responded to that relissa

Original poster

relissa · 19/09/2018 20:21

No response as of yet. She has read it so I'm worried now I have put her in an awkward situation

If I don't hear back I will try to catch her on the school drop off/pick up and have a chat face to face to try and come to a solution.

Yes they have other lots of birthdays but only one for a particular age and I love looking back on how we celebrated each year and want DD to be able to do that as an adult. Ultimatley this child comes first but would love to find a way as it will make me feel quite sad to effectively miss that year in photo albums.

OP posts:

Petalflowers · 19/09/2018 21:28

Although the child’s safety is important, it’s DD’s birthday so she should come first and the other mum should respect your wishes to take photos. You’ve sensibly suggested a compromise, ie. ensuring you only take photos of your dd (and close friends). If child’s mum can/won’t accept this, then maybe the child shouldn’t go.

BertrandRussell · 19/09/2018 23:14

"Although the child’s safety is important, it’s DD’s birthday so she should come first"

I honestly don't understand how people can say things like this.

SpikyCactus · 19/09/2018 23:23

Ultimatley this child comes first
Why? It’s your DD’s party and you’re paying for it. Tbh I think she’s unreasonable to ask that nobody takes photos. It’s fair enough to ask that nobody photographs her child but she can’t ask them not to photograph their own kids, or ask you not to photograph your DD. She can’t expect everyone to bend over backwards to accommodate her. If she’s that worried about her DC being photographed then she shouldn’t attend.

BertrandRussell · 19/09/2018 23:26

God, I hate mean spiritedness.

garethsouthgatesmrs · 19/09/2018 23:31

You have been more than generous with this. If she responds negatively then she is being unreasonable.

I totally get why she is concerned but If you take some pictures of your DD without her DD in them I don't see how this is a problem. As for telling all the other parents could you stand at the door to greet them and mention it as they come through.

Obviously don't share any on social media. You can share the traditional way!

StressedToTheMaxx · 19/09/2018 23:35

I would be saying to her you can't agree to this and you understand if her and dd cannot attend.
You could ask every single parent there not to take photos. But unless you confiscate/ seriously police everyone there, you cannot fully guarantee there will be no photos.
I see it from the mum's point of view but I think it is a really unreasonable ask of her.

StealthPolarBear · 20/09/2018 06:17

"Ultimatley this child comes first
Why? It’s your DD’s party and you’re paying for it"
Because she's in physical danger

moredoll · 20/09/2018 06:29

it's her responsibility to make sure her child isn't in the photos.

Anfd she's discharging that responsibility by asking that photos are not taken.
I think the only way round this is to have a designated photographer who will share photos to the parents that want them after the party. Ask that the child wears something easily seen (a red dress for instance) and delete all the photos she's in. Ban all other photos.

RedHelenB · 20/09/2018 06:38

Photos without her child in them can't cause any harm even if they are plastered all over social media.i think it would be hard to police no photos so if I were the parent I wouldn't risk it. Could you invite the child to play at yours instead?

BertrandRussell · 20/09/2018 07:07

This thread is really shocking. We can have no idea the level of trauma that little girl must have gone through to reach this situation-and now she should miss a party because -what was it? - photographs are memories"? I think some people should be ashamed of themselves.

SpikyCactus · 20/09/2018 08:08

Ultimatley this child comes first
Why? It’s your DD’s party and you’re paying for it
Because she's in physical danger
She doesn’t have to attend. Invited guests don’t dictate the terms of the event. They either accept or decline. Why should the birthday child and parents be inconvenienced and have their party ruined because of issues that have nothing to do with them?

SuburbanRhonda · 20/09/2018 08:19

Why should the birthday child and parents be inconvenienced and have their party ruined because of issues that have nothing to do with them?

I actually can’t find the words to express my revulsion at this post.

BertrandRussell · 20/09/2018 08:21

"Why should the birthday child and parents be inconvenienced and have their party ruined because of issues that have nothing to do with them?"
Because a) not being able to take picture will not "ruin" a party and b) because they are not utter, utter arseholes.

JamPasty · 20/09/2018 08:22

Why should the birthday child and parents be inconvenienced and have their party ruined because of issues that have nothing to do with them?

Good god! Because protecting a little girl is something we should all care about. Because if we don't care about others because they're nothing to do with us, the world would be a really shitty place. Because for the cost of a little inconvenience we can help keep a child safe. Your attitude makes me despair

StepBackNow · 20/09/2018 08:23

You can't speak for other parents. It isn't your responsibility to ensure they don't take photos and she cannot expect you to.

Also, take as many photos as you like. It's your DC's birthday and you want a record of the party just don't take any with the girl in.

BertrandRussell · 20/09/2018 08:28

"You can't speak for other parents"

You know, yesterday I would have said that I could, on a subject like this. But obviously not. This thread has really shaken me.

StepBackNow · 20/09/2018 08:36

I've seen such parents in action, Bertrand. Happens all the time at school concerts. It would be wrong of OP to pretend she has any influence on "those" type of parents.

moredoll · 20/09/2018 09:49

This is a bit mad. Photos are not memories and having them taken or not will not make the party better or worse. It's really not necessary for every event to be photographed for it to be real. The party will be remembered until it's forgotten. On the other hand if something did happen to the little girl because her father tracked her down through a photograph that would never be forgotten.

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