Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. A phone that grows with your child.

Meet the Other Phone.
A phone that grows with your child.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

to take photos at DD's birthday

87 replies

relissa · 18/09/2018 20:01

It is DD's birthday party on Saturday and we invited the whole class to her party (Just a hall, bouncy castle etc.).

A girl in her class has had major problems with her father, he hasn't been in her life for a few years but he comes from another country and has been violent and abusive to her mother. There is a court order in place preventing him contact, for this reason her mother asks the school not to take photos of her, and she is not included in events when photos may be taken (sports days, nativities etc). The mother has genuine concerns that him getting a hold of photos/knowing her whereabouts would be awful.

She is a good friend of DDs and we were pleased she is coming to the party, however her DM has messaged me today after school and asked I take no photos at the party and ask everyone else to do the same.

I'd like to have photos of her birthday for our personal use, and memories of the day as it is her main birthday celebration. I would not post any on social media and would not take any photos of this child. I really understand her worries and want to make her feel comfortable but I think I'd feel sad to have no photos of the day and uncomfortable askinf everyone to do the same (We also have some family visiting that may want to take photos of her with cake etc)

OP posts:
GorgonLondon · 20/09/2018 09:54

Agree 100% @BertrandRussell

I was starting to think I'd slipped into a parallel universe reading the selfish, entitled, social-media-obsessed posts on this thread.

StealthPolarBear · 20/09/2018 09:57

Yes, Im now thinking the little girls should not attend, not because of the op but because no matter what they say or do, some parents will ignore them and take photos anyway. Maybe a metal detector on the way in Hmm

GoneWithTheTurd · 20/09/2018 10:00

Op taking a pic with her dd and the cake seems reasonable and should not cause any issues with her friend and her dd.
If she doesn’t agree.
Why not make another day out with your dd and her friend alone op?

Sleeplikeasloth · 20/09/2018 10:14

It seems the mum wants the op to be stricter then the school is - ie the girl isn't in class group photos, but the photos still get taken.

I'm struggling to see the risk of some careful photos taken (by one person, maybe the child's mum) which do not include the girl, and are not uploaded to SM.

Even if they were splashed on the front page of a newspaper, the wouldn't show the girl, or her mum, it's just a random group of children. So I don't see the risk from that.

I can understand why the mum is very worried, if people haven't stuck to restrictions in the past, but a blanket ban on all photos at the event is do draconian, it can only really be justified surely if it's the only way to keep the girl safe. In this case, a more limited approach is surely perfectly safe.

StealthPolarBear · 20/09/2018 10:15

How do you stop everyone including that child? What if she's stood near their own precious darling as they make memories that must be documented?

Sleeplikeasloth · 20/09/2018 10:26

StealthPolarBear, you do what loads of people are suggesting. Ask parents not to take photos, have one person take them, delete any with the girl in them, then send on using a link.

If they aren't going to comply with that, then they aren't going to comply with a blanket ban either.

StealthPolarBear · 20/09/2018 10:27

No but it'll be easier to see anyone whip out a phone or camera and ask them to stop. Trying to work out which angle they're pointing it in and where the girl is standing will be harder.

Sleeplikeasloth · 20/09/2018 10:40

StealthPolarBear, um no...

Ad I said, one photographer. No more, no less.

Anyone else seen whipping out a camera phone gets asked to put it away irrespective of angles.

elliejjtiny · 20/09/2018 11:17

The child's safety is more important than taking photos. Just take a few of her with the cake, on the bouncy castle etc before the guests arrive.

Original poster
relissa · 20/09/2018 11:58

I think the mum is (rightly) worried that her DD will accidently get caught in one of the photos or someone will forget. Ultimatley she is having to trust me that I will not take any photos/not share/notice her daughter in the background and I can understand why she would be anxious. I just really want to come to a solution that suits everyone, if she isn't happy with my suggestions I won't take any.

In regards to the other parents though standing at the door wpuld be difficult as they tend to trickle in any time from 5 mins before to 15 mins after party has started and in that time I'm having to keep an eye on the children whos parents have left and sort out food/cake etc. I'm hoping most of the parents will just drop off children and I can mention it. Her mum will stay so would hopefully be able to stop anyone taking photos near her DD.

OP posts:
reddressblueshoes · 20/09/2018 12:33

The three year old who was recently attacked with acid in a supermarket was apparently found by their father due to a picture posted online- obviously not by the mother, who was in hiding.

People have NO idea how easy it is for things to spread. A good few years ago I used to read a beauty blog that had quite an active community of people who would post and chat about things. One mentioned they had employment law issues and another poster gave a really detailed account of a similar case her boyfriend, a barrister, had had. I was curious about this, advance searched her username and there was a picture of her at a meet-up - not linked to her real life name, but as it happened I know her boyfriend (the reason I searched was I have a lot of lawyer friends in the city most of these blog users were based).

The point of that being - there's no way you'd expect someone to think having a photo taken at a meet-up linked to your online user name, and an anonymous post you make a year later, to have an effect on your partners career. But making the level of detail she made public about a client could have had serious professional impacts for him, and if I could link them, so could other people. We're talking about a child's life and safety. I think what OP is suggesting makes sense, but I do think some of the comments here are pretty shocking.

ShowerOfMonsters · 20/09/2018 12:38

I really think you're making this far too complicated.

Her mum to act as helper.

She stands at the door and says "no photos please, there is a child here who is under threat. I'm helping relissa and am the official photographer for the day. We'll let you know the link to the photos [in the same way you sent invites]"

(She doesn't have to specify it's her child, but surely if it's the whole class it's better long term if all are aware)
You get on with party stuff.
She/you take photos.
Week later invite over for play date.
Edit/delete as necessary.
Send out link.

New posts on this thread. Refresh page