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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

to take photos at DD's birthday

87 replies

relissa · 18/09/2018 20:01

It is DD's birthday party on Saturday and we invited the whole class to her party (Just a hall, bouncy castle etc.).

A girl in her class has had major problems with her father, he hasn't been in her life for a few years but he comes from another country and has been violent and abusive to her mother. There is a court order in place preventing him contact, for this reason her mother asks the school not to take photos of her, and she is not included in events when photos may be taken (sports days, nativities etc). The mother has genuine concerns that him getting a hold of photos/knowing her whereabouts would be awful.

She is a good friend of DDs and we were pleased she is coming to the party, however her DM has messaged me today after school and asked I take no photos at the party and ask everyone else to do the same.

I'd like to have photos of her birthday for our personal use, and memories of the day as it is her main birthday celebration. I would not post any on social media and would not take any photos of this child. I really understand her worries and want to make her feel comfortable but I think I'd feel sad to have no photos of the day and uncomfortable askinf everyone to do the same (We also have some family visiting that may want to take photos of her with cake etc)

OP posts:
ThrowThoseCurtainsWide · 19/09/2018 07:32

tell all guests no photos to be taken and that you will be the sole photographer. Try not to get her DD in any photos, and show all of the photos to the mum before sharing them

BertrandRussell · 19/09/2018 07:37

"I think its kinda selfish for her to try to prevent anyone from taking photos of a birthday party altogether - photos are memories!"
I seriously can't believe anyone could think this. How awful.

Original poster
relissa · 19/09/2018 07:53

A face painter is an excellent idea. Having spoken to the mum before about her DD and her father, I truly understand her concerns and do feel for her as her DD misses out on a lot. In terms of school photos because it is basically impossible to get every single parent at a sports day not to take photos, her DD can't take part. For some school events she will be taken out before photo opportunities, she also isn't in the class photos.

I don't want to exclude her or want her to feel uncomfortable, I will reply today saying would she be comfortable if I took a few of my DD just for our memories, show her the photos (excluding her DD of course), and ask others not to take photos. I suppose it is a bit of give and take but I would genuinely feel quite sad if I had no photos of my DD's party as she is of the age photos will be her main memory.

I have days as a child I have only really remembered once looking at photos and we have done a number of things to make the day special for her so I would like to document. Just trying to work out how to word it without coming across rude or frightening her mother into not letting her come Sad

OP posts:
Original poster
relissa · 19/09/2018 07:58

And to confirm none of the photos would be on social media, even before her DD was attending as the other children aren't mine so I wouldn't know which parents would be happy with me posting etc.

OP posts:
Mitsufishi · 19/09/2018 08:01

Agree with *Burtrand how depressing! DCs have zillions of birthdays!!!

babyboyHarrison · 19/09/2018 08:02

Ask the mum to take the photos so she is in control and tell the other parents not to take pictures. Say you understand her concerns but it is important to you that you have pictures of the party so maybe she would take pictures for you. Make sure to be specific about any pictures you want and tell her during the party what you want photos of. You'll be busy so handy to have someone else doing them anyway.

StealthPolarBear · 19/09/2018 08:11

Excellent idea whoever said ask her to be in charge of taking photos.
I couldn't believe some of the replies to this thread. Some people get hung up about other people taking photos and sharing them, I usually roll my eyes a bit. But in this case there is a specific threat. I will be taking photos, suck it up is acn awful attitude. And you ant ask other people not to take photos of that child, somrone is bound to forget, or not realise, or think it s all in her mind.

Blondebakingmumma · 19/09/2018 08:14

Can you compromise and ask the girl to stand with her mother while you do the rounds taking photos? Ask the child to stand with Mum while you take photos of He cake being cut. Just keep the Mum informed of what you are doing

SuburbanRhonda · 19/09/2018 08:19

I sympathise with this lady, but ultimately it's her responsibility to make sure her child isn't in the photos.

You clearly don’t understand the meaning of the phrase “sympathise with”.

I can’t believe how many people think that suggesting ways to get round the inconvenience of keeping a child safe is in any way the right thing to do.

thegreylady · 19/09/2018 08:36

My grandson’s class mate had a ‘face fancy dress’ party so they had hats and wigs, masks, face paint whatever they wanted and one of the games was to guess who was which character. I believe the rationale was similar to the OP.

SuburbanRhonda · 19/09/2018 08:43

You seriously think a child couldn’t be recognised by its own parent if it’s wearing a wig and face paint?

No photos means no photos. How hard can that be to understand?

BookMeOnTheSudExpress · 19/09/2018 08:43

For those unconcerned about this mother's concerns, the problem with them going on SM is that it becomes a domino effect that you can't stop. You share them with Aunt Gladys, who shows them to her niece who simply by commenting how lovely shares them onto her profile and before you know it, they've reached New Mexico.

The OP is being reasonable to obviously want photos of her daughter's party. The mother is being reasonable in possibly fearing for her child's safety if a photo of her is published.

Strategies that have been suggested are excellent. Hope your dd has a great party, and that the other girl enjoys it too, OP!

BertrandRussell · 19/09/2018 08:53

I wonder how many of the people thinking that this mother's request is unreasonable also think that their own children are likely to be "snatched" if they go to the park unsupervised.

StealthPolarBear · 19/09/2018 08:55

Exactly. Most people are unnecessarily paranoid imo and are a bit ridiculous about other people taking pictures of them or their children. But in this case there s a genuine risk and yet people are saying the child's safety doesn't trump the ops right to get some photos..
In reality I think it would be very difficult to prevent people. Not sure how best to do it without upsetting the girl and her mum.

BertrandRussell · 19/09/2018 09:01

"In reality I think it would be very difficult to prevent people"

Before reading this thread I would have thought sending out a text to all parents saying There is a child at the party who for legal reasons cannot be photographed- can I ask you not to take any pictures, please" would have been enough. But sadly, it seems not.

SilverLining10 · 19/09/2018 09:10

I'm sorry but is something thats really up to the mother to manage. Instead of asking other people to not take photos of their own child she should ask you to remove the child when photos are being taken. So you should have none with your child blowing out her cake or with her friends? The child is already aware of the situation because of school so she would know what this means.

BertrandRussell · 19/09/2018 09:19

"So you should have none with your child blowing out her cake or with her friends? "
If that means there is the slightest risk of one of her friends being tracked down by her violent abusive father then yep.

apostropheuse · 19/09/2018 09:25

The poor woman could be left only with memories of her child, or worse. I would do everything possible to try to keep the child safe. This could be the difference between her never seeing her daughter again or even life and death. She's trying to protect her child whike giving her a happy normal childhood. So, so sad.

You could tell others not to take photographs and only you take them. It would be simple enough to take some pictures at the beginning of the party, five minutes in the middle and then when cutting the cake at the end. Tell the mum how you plan to do it. Ask her to stay at the party and to take the girl aside while you do it.

ShowerOfMonsters · 19/09/2018 09:39

How sad that this girl will never have photos of herself with her friends.

I think the way forward is to put a notice up and tell all parents that because of child safety reasons, there will be a designated photographer at the party and ask that no-one else take any photos. A selection of photos will be available afterwards. Then ask the mum to take the photos. She can then take photos of her daughter with her friends, which she alone can keep. The rest, without her daughter in it can be offered to the other families. You get photos of the party.

Redglitter · 19/09/2018 09:45

There's plenty room for compromise. Take photos as usual but exclude her daughter. If you're posting on SM only post photos of your daughter. If you have general photos of the party and they're not online but just for you then that's more than reasonable.

I don't see any need to take no photos at all

BertrandRussell · 19/09/2018 09:51

"I don't see any need to take no photos at all"

Apart from the fact that it will ease the mind of a traumatised woman who lives in fear of losing her child?

MissLingoss · 19/09/2018 09:56

I'm sorry but is something thats really up to the mother to manage. Instead of asking other people to not take photos of their own child she should ask you to remove the child when photos are being taken

'OK everyone, we're going to sing Happy Birthday and DD is going to blow out the candles now. But you can't be in this, Maria, you have to go and stand over there.'

JayoftheRed · 19/09/2018 10:33

I think asking the mum to take pictures is a great idea. She gets lots of pictures of her DD with her friends, which it sounds like doesn't happen very often, and you still get pictures of your DD at her party. A sign requesting that no one else take pictures is fair, and let as many people know in advance as possible.

I think an absolute blanket ban is a little harsh - that kind of behaviour will lead to the girl not being invited to anyone else's party over time, which would be even worse. But a controlled situation with the mum in charge of pictures sounds like the best of both worlds. What an awful situation for that poor woman and her DD to be in.

DukeOfSussex · 19/09/2018 10:38

My grandson’s class mate had a ‘face fancy dress’ party so they had hats and wigs, masks, face paint whatever they wanted and one of the games was to guess who was which character. I believe the rationale was similar to the OP.

God it's depressing that it has to be a thing that we hide children from their violent fathers.

Zippetydoodahzippetyay · 19/09/2018 10:38

I think it is unreasonable of her to expect you not to take any photos at all, and i would not agree to that as I like to have at least a couple of photos of my daughters at each of their birthdays, on their own and with each other/me/my husband.

However she is not being unreasonable to wany to protect her daughter and it would be sad for all if she were to be excluded. No reason for other parents to take photos at your child's party so why not send the message suggested above by BertrandRussell.