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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To do the MIL admin?

85 replies

Davespecifico · 18/09/2018 12:25

Like many people, I do the presents and cards for MIL. I check with her whether she wants to come for Christmas. I make sure she has contact with DD. I do this because dp wouldn’t do any of this whether I dropped it or whether I had strong words with him. He just wouldn’t.

I’ve gone backwards and forwards with this over the years but I’ve decided I’m going to stick with this, the reason being that she is 82. I have it within my power to make her feel wanted, it reduces her anxiety and she is elderly.
Knowing the above, would you still say, not your mum, leave it to him?

OP posts:
StepBackNow · 18/09/2018 12:27

I've always done it and happily. I'm much better at it than he is.

Notacluewhatthisis · 18/09/2018 12:27

There's no right or wrong in this.

If you are happy to do it. It's fine.

If you are not happy to do it but you expected to do it anyway, that's a different story.

I never did exhs family cards presents etc. I wouldn't mind do current dps as his family are close friends of mine.

Whatever works for you is right.

PermanentlyFrizzyHairBall · 18/09/2018 12:31

If the choice is between you doing this stuff and no one doing it then definitely do it.

Bluelady · 18/09/2018 12:34

It would never occur to me not to do it. Mine can barely remember the dates of his kids' birthdays, I've accepted that I have to buy their cards and make him sign them for the last 20 years. It's way easier than nagging him.

UrsulaPandress · 18/09/2018 12:35

For the past few years I've left it up to DH to deal with his family's birthdays and Christmas cards.

Original poster
Davespecifico · 18/09/2018 12:37

If my MIL had been 20 years younger, I think I’d do less.
I don’t like the fact that these things are important to her and not to him, meaning that I step in to avoid upset.

OP posts:
AlwaysWantedToBeATenenbaum · 18/09/2018 12:38

I also do all the admin - remembering anniversaries and buying cards, sending presents and good wishes, reminding him to phone MIL and FIL and his wife.
I've just come to accept that I need to do it all or things would never get done!

JustJoinedRightNow · 18/09/2018 12:40

This is a genuine query - to those of you who are now leaving it to their husbands to sort it, what are your reasons for doing that now, as in the last few years?

I’m getting so fed up with my DH’s family and no longer want to do the cards/gifts, but surely they’ll notice and I don’t want to just start anything or make anything uncomfortable.

AdoraBell · 18/09/2018 12:41

If you are happy doing it then it’s okay.

I tried helping DH with this when we first met. It didn’t work because we have different ideas about presents and costs. So for approximately 20 years either he has sent the cards and made the calls, or not. It’s his choice.

GreatDuckCookery6211 · 18/09/2018 12:42

You do it because you're a decent human being and your H is a lazy shit. I'm sure you MIL appreciates all the fuss you've made of her over the years.

ThomasShelbysBunnet · 18/09/2018 12:46

I've stopped doing all of this in the last 18 months. The reason being my MIL showed me exactly where my children and I are on her level of priorities, and it's barely registering.

I detached massively, and feel better for it. Although apparently it's caused WW3 in the extended family, but I don't need to deal with it. DH barely bothers, and they've all realised now that no effort is being made from my little family unit. However it doesn't seem to have gotten through to them all that it's because of their behaviour.

I don't buy cards, gifts etc, it's up to dh, if he remembers.

Bluelady · 18/09/2018 12:47

I don't really buy the lazy shit argument. I think women understand that it matters and most men don't. Mine pulls his weight, just not in this department.

Pumpkinpie2018 · 18/09/2018 12:47

The MIL admin- interesting phrase!

I don’t have any direct contact with IL’s- all goes through my husband. I would like to have a closer relationship with them but they seem to prefer to talk to him so I just leave them to it.

Whatever works for you, although as she is getting older he will have to step up at some point.

cheesefield · 18/09/2018 12:49

Ive never done it. DP deals with his side, I deal with mine.

CynsterBitch · 18/09/2018 12:49

My MIL sadly passed a few years ago, but before then and now i’m The one who keeps in touch with the in-laws, DH is useless at it. I’m more in touch with my in-laws than I am with my family. we live far away from both sides of the family, but when we meet up we’re all one big happy family

POPholditdown · 18/09/2018 12:49

your H is a lazy shit

How can you possibly know that? I must be a right lazy shit too as my OH has picked up gifts for my mum, my nan, my brother. Even more shocking he speaks to my relatives more than I do sometimes. I must be the worst.

Lostandfound81 · 18/09/2018 12:50

Your DP wouldn’t do it under any circumstances. He has made that clear. Whilst at face value it appears unpleasant, there must be a reason why he cares so little.

As for you continuing, it’s nice of you, sure.

possumgoddess · 18/09/2018 12:53

I remind my husband but he actually does the work, if you know what I mean. So I remind him when his siblings birthdays are due, his daughters birthdays, his grandchildren's birthdays (my steps), I used to remind him about his Mum's birthday, but he chooses, buys and send the presents and cards (sometimes with a little helpful suggestion from me). I do wrap them though because I am better at it than him and I like things to look pretty! He knows it matters but find it difficult to remember and I love all my steps so I don't mind and he does loads of other stuff for me. I do all my own side of the family.

Bighouseinthesticks · 18/09/2018 12:53

I'm only married a few years and am definitely not getting sucked into doing that wifework. If Dh doesn't buy cards/presents then thats his look out. We also get small Christmas presents from his aunts/uncles which he does not reciprocate, but I'm not getting involved.

Deliphant · 18/09/2018 12:57

Given she's 82 it would be sad to give up on her - better to be the better person.

In my case DH does do all the 'admin' for his side, he seems strangely reluctant to take onboard my present suggestions for his parents so I leave him to it.

I do wonder if he'd keep in contact with my parents if I dropped dead tomorrow - I suspect not.

IABURQO · 18/09/2018 12:58

I remind him because he genuinely wouldn't know what date today is and his family see cards as optional whereas I like to make sure his parents get something because they do appreciate it. He'll decide on / buy gifts when he's told to do so. We all sign all cards ourselves rather than signing for the family.

Original poster
Davespecifico · 18/09/2018 12:58

Lostandfound- I’ve thought about whether or not he cares/why he seems not to care.
I believe he cares about his mum, in that he believes he does. But he doesn’t care well enough to
my mind, in that his care doesn’t take account of what she clearly wants which is to see practical demonstrations of care.

OP posts:
IABURQO · 18/09/2018 12:59

So no, YANBU to keep doing it. We all bring different skills to relationships.

Deliphant · 18/09/2018 13:02

Your DP wouldn’t do it under any circumstances. He has made that clear. Whilst at face value it appears unpleasant, there must be a reason why he cares so little.

Not necessarily - a lot of men are just really apathetic where it comes to that sort of thing. My brother rarely goes out of his way to see our parents, ditto BIL.

There was someone on here who made all the effort including visiting her MIL without her husband - that did seem beyond the call of duty.

MsHomeSlice · 18/09/2018 13:03

I think as long as someone appreciates what you are doing then fair enough. In your case MIL presumably appreciates it, and realises the efforts you make.

I generally only get involved with dh's side on a very superficial level....odd reminders and suggestions, help out if requested but he does the donkey work on his side, as I do for mine.

The first couple of years we were together I did the lot, birthdays/christmas/visits really resented this "Entertainments Officer" job and swiftly realised I cba.
After one fateful question...he asked "Have we done the Christmas Cards?" as he sat drink in hand contemplating the wonder of Christmas we had a few harsh words.

Again in your case I would wonder why your DH is so careless of his mother, and I wonder if it translates into your relationship, his relationship with his daughter.